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Mr. Obama, Will You Help This 99%’er?

February 28, 2012

Mr. Obama,

I have a dilemma I think you and your staff at ACORN or SEIU could help me resolve. I have a prospective brand new Democrat voter,  but I am not quite sure about how to get this prospective voter registered due to some issues that are rather complex. I know you and your organizations specialize in overcoming the illegal and immoral rules designed by Republicans to keep the less fortunate out of the voting process so I appeal to you for help.

I know this one would be a loyal supporter you could count on to always stand with you when those evil Republicans try to force the less fortunate to suffer with less than they deserve to have. The candidate is female, which fits right in to charges of discrimination based on sex should that tactic be necessary. She is of mixed heritage, which fills another demographic important to your re-election. This fact can add another dagger to the hearts of Republican objections if needed. She will never go against the concept of handouts as she now lives her entire life depending on others to provide everything for her.

She has no way of providing for herself and isn’t likely to find a way any time soon. She isn’t disabled or anything but that is no reason she shouldn’t be cared for. It is simply a matter that she hasn’t been afforded the benefits life has to offer the more fortunate. My wife and I took her in off the street when she was homeless, helpless, and hopeless. We know of your compassion for the downtrodden and believe you will be more able than many to understand our desire to help her find herself and provide her with the life she deserves to have.

You don’t have to worry about her messing up the unemployment figures because you can count on her not going out and looking for a job, thereby unjustly jacking up the unemployment rates to make you look bad at election time. She will also never embarrass you by speaking in public and sounding like a moron. She is content to be in the shadows, being supported quietly with money that she deserves from those rich people who are currently not paying their fair share of taxes.

She has a very good heart, is kind, loving, and a joy to be around… well, most of the time (she is female though, and since you are married, I am sure you understand). She spends her days watching television mostly. She does clean up after herself some, but doesn’t really make much of a mess so it is acceptable that she does not do a lot.

My dilemma is multi level. First, I have no documentation as to the legal residency status of my house guest. I can’t prove where she was born, and am afraid to try to explain how she came to be living in our house, or even her exact age, though she is a young adult. She has been here almost 3 years now, and it is time for me to try to get her integrated into the political process, or at least for her to be able to enjoy the benefits of living in America. She doesn’t understand anything about the voting process, but I can tell her how to vote and I believe she will go along with my recommendations.

I can’t take her to get a state issued identification card as that might cause undue danger to her residency status and I can’t take that chance. Although voting is a right, we both might wind up losing more than a right to vote if I try to do things through the state agencies, especially those in Oklahoma, as they are staffed by Republicans.

What I need is a birth certified certificate that shows she was indeed born in the United States. She also needs a social security card for identification purposes. You don’t have to worry about her divulging where she got said documents because she doesn’t speak any English at all. We communicate by a lot of pointing and nodding. She is so fearful of leaving our house that she just stays inside all day long. Our home is apparently the only safe haven she has ever known.

I know you have sources that can get both a birth certificate and a social security card for her, which will enable her to register to vote. I doubt there will ever be any concern about the authenticity of said documents because she will keep a very low profile and no one will even know she exists other than me, my wife, you, and whoever you share this information with. I can get the registration forms from the local election board office and get them signed. I offer you my thanks, as I know you will do everything in your immense power to help get this situation resolved and see an end to an injustice being done to a future supporter of the Democrat Party.

I am doing all I can to help my house guest help you with your re-election- will you help my friend help you also?

Pertinent information of prospective voter:
Name: Precious T. El Gato
Aliases: Goofball, Goofy, That Stupid Cat
Heritage: Mixed/Unknown
Age: approx. 3 (21 human years)
Origin: Unknown, off the street

Sincerely,

Bob Russell
Claremore, Oklahoma

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