Author Archives: Polar Coug (twitter @PolarCoug)

The Gospel according to Barry

  1. Obama HaloIn the beginning Barry created Organizing for America and the art of the scam.
  2. And the scam was without suckers, and void in New York, East St. Louis, and Miami; and Maxine Waters was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Barry moved upon the uptight face of the Maxine Waters.
  3. And Barry said, Let there be blight: and there was Chicago.
  4. And Barry saw the blight, that it was good: and Barry divided the blight from the African colonial socialist.
  5. And Barry called the blight Mommy, and the African colonial socialist he called Daddy. And the evening and the morning were the first day in Kenya.
  6. And Barry said, Let there be a scandal in the midst of the Maxine Waters, and let it divide the suckers from their cash.
  7. And Barry voted present, and divided the Maxine Waters which were under congressional investigation from the Congressional Black Caucus which was rightly above suspicion and it was so.
  8. And Barry called the scandal inconsequential. And the charges and the pending congressional indictment were the second day.
  9. And Barry said, Let the Maxine Waters under investigation be gathered together unto one Ethics Committee hearing, and let the Charlie Rangel appear: and it was so.
  10. And Barry called the Charlie “Rangel”; and the gathering together of the Maxine Waters called he about time: and Barry saw that it was all about acting stupidly.
  11. And Barry said, Let the earth bring forth ACORNs, the Unions yielding SEIU, and the fruit tree yielding David Plouffe after his kind, whose demon seed is in itself, upon the Democratic National Committee: and it was so.
  12. And the Plouffe brought forth funny smelling grass, and wild weed yielding seeds after his kind, and San Francisco yielding fruits, whose seed was in Larry Sinclair, after his kind: and Barry saw that it was pastel.
  13. And the Plouffe and the ACORNs were the third day.
    Obama Messiah
  14. And Barry said, Let there be Pelosi in the face of the Botox to divide the cheek bone from the nose; and let them be for signs, and even Barry saw that it was a stretch:
  15. And let Pelosi be for leadership in the halls of Congress to give guidance to my agenda, that it might get rammed down the people’s throats: and it was so.
  16. And Barry made two great blights; the greater Reid blight to rule the Senate, and the lesser Pelosi blight to rule the House of Representatives: he made the Kagan also.
  17. And Barry propped them up in Congress and the courts to shove his blight upon the sucker citizens,
  18. And to rule over the Senate and over the House of Representatives, and to divide the blight from the golf course: and Barry saw that it was 18 holes and required another vacation.
  19. And the Hairy Reed and the Nancy Botox were the fourth day.
  20. And Barry said, Let the Maxine Waters bring forth abundantly the Alan Grayson that hath no sense, and an exceedingly small brain that we may think outside the Boxer in the land of fruits and nuts.
  21. And Barry created great whales like unto Jerold Nadler and Barney Frank, and every lying moonbat creature that demanded a handout, which the Maxine Waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every whining socialist after his kind which got paid off from Obama’s stash: and Barry saw that it cost trillions of dollars – not that it mattereth one whit.
  22. And Barry blessed Barney, saying, Be fruitful, and bankrupt Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and fill the Maxine Waters in her husband’s bank director’s job, and let thy foulness multiply in the earth.
  23. And the Axelrod and the Van Jones were the fifth day.
  24. And Barry said, Let the earth bring forth Rahm Emanuel after his kind, ballerinas, and dead fish heads, and Steny Hoyer, the Beast of the East after his kind: and it was so.
  25. And Barry made the Beast of the East after his kind, and ballerinas after their kind, and every thing that creepeth through the halls of Congress after their kind: and Barry saw that it was pervasive.
  26. And Barry said, Let us make Baghdad Bob in our image, after our likeness: and let him have dominion over the Lame Stream Media, and over MSNBC in the air, and over the Olbermann, and over all Rachel Maddows, and over every Chris Matthews with a tingle up his leg.
  27. So Barry created community organizers in his own image, in the image of Barry created he him; Tony Rezko and Valerie Jarrett created he them.
  28. And Barry blessed them, and Barry said unto them, Be fruits, and multiply, and lord over the slums, and subdue them: and have dominion over the useful idiots, and over Baghdad Bob, the foulness of the air, and over every living or dead thing that registerith to vote in Chicago and beyond..
  29. And Barry said, Behold, I have given you every Czar that you needeth, which is upon the face of all federal agencies, and every regulatory body, in the which are the executive orders yielding redistributive change; to you it shall be for tofu and Kool-aid.
  30. And to every Unicorn of the earth, and to every skittle in its bag, and to environmentalist whackos that hug the trees upon the earth, wherein there is Hopeenchange, I have given every illegal green herb for good times: and it was so.
  31. And Barry saw everything that he had destroyed, and, behold, he had been very thorough. And the George Soros and the ACLU were the sixth day.

Liberal Brats are the Wurst

It must have been the spinning disco ball – or perhaps the flashing lights, or even the pulsating rhythm of the Bee Gees grinding out “Staying Alive.” Whatever it was, it was strong enough to send the hip 20-something crashing to the dance floor, knocked out like a crazed sex poodle. Someone dialed 9-1-1. Paramedics arrived shortly thereafter, and began life support procedures, but were unable to revive the young man. Fearing the worst (or perhaps the wurst, you’ll see what I mean), an ambulance crew rushed the comatose disco dancer to the nearest emergency room. Upon arrival at the hospital, a close inspection revealed that the man was wearing a pair of leather pants that were so tight-fitting that it may as well have been painted on. Try as they might, the nursing staff couldn’t get those pants off – it was obvious to all concerned that the pants were restricting blood flow – those trousers had to be removed – and quick. In desperation, a member of the medical team pulled out a pair of surgical scissors and literally cut the cowhide off the patient’s groinal (I’ve been waiting all my life for an opportunity to use that word!) region. With blood flow restored, the patient began to revive. Meanwhile, the nursing staff continued cutting leather – proceeding down the thighs. It was then that this obscure emergency room visit made local medical history. The pants removal procedure revealed a giant, and delicious, salami had been stuffed down the patient’s leg – in an obvious attempt to enhance the appearance of the guy’s supposed virility. Like I said before, it was the wurst thing that could have possibly happened to the poor fellow. Now that he’s lost his sausage, I would venture a guess he’s lost a couple of dates, too.

It’s the perfect analogy to the situation the congressional Democrats find themselves in today. Having pranced around in pubic…uh, I mean public, showing off their new-found manhood after the 2008 elections, the Democrats, by all appearances, were destined for stardom. Talk of a 4th Reich abounded, with progressives planning for another crack at a 1,000 year rule. The Democrats held a devastating advantage in the U.S. Senate. There were only 41 Republicans still breathing, and some of those, like Olympia Snowe (R-ME), and Susan Collins (R-ME), were dedicated RINOs. Over on the House side, Queen Pelosi presided over a huge majority. It was the day the Democrats had lusted after for decades. They had just won the Triple Crown of politics: control of the House, control of the Senate, and had a liberal Democratic Administration to boot!  Those were the days, my friend; we thought they’d never end. We’d sing and dance forever and a day. La-La-La-La-La.

And then the bubble burst. Once impressed by the gigantic bulge in the Democrats’ pants, the public has finally cut away the leathers and seen for themselves that what they thought was the complete package, pun intended, was nothing more than a Harry Reid. Average Americans lost their infatuation with all things liberal. Perhaps it was ObamaCare – and seeing how sausages are really made, that turned the public off to the Democrats’ kielbasa. Or, perhaps it was the humongous stimulus package (pun intended), and the public decided pork sausage wasn’t for them. Maybe it was all the promised transparency that allowed the public to see that Democrats like Barney Frank weren’t exotic meats like chorizo riojano or lukanec. Rather, they finally figured out that Frank & Company were nothing more than common weenies. And they didn’t like what they saw. Pass the buns, please.

Milzwurst is a sausage made from spleens. And the Democrats sure have some major expleening to do. Like, how do they expleen their dramatic freefall in the polls? And what’s Pelosi’s expleenation for her failure to drain the swamp? And what’s with all the vacations? The Democrats are at a loss to convincingly expleen their failures. So they turn to the only thing they know. They blame Bush. They call us racists, and they denounce as homophobes all who question their moral authority.

Meanwhile, Charlie Rangel and Maxine Waters face a slap on the wrist for their alleged misdeeds. But that’s nothing compared to Representative Eddie Bernice Johnson (D-TX). Seems the esteemed Johnson is being accused of violating the rules of the Congressional Black Caucus (once again, pun intended) by directing scholarship money to her relatives. Of course, being the upstanding citizen that she is, Ms. Johnson has denied any wrongdoing. In fact, she claims she wasn’t even involved in selecting the scholarship recipients. And then the roof caved in. The Dallas Morning News has revealed allegations that Johnson not only knew who was getting the scholarship funds, but that she channeled the funds to her relatives. Oh, wait, there’s more! Evidence presented by The Dallas Morning News suggests she may well have personally intervened when she learned that the funds had been sent to the schools educating these young minds full of mush. Who knows what went on behind the scenes, but, according to The Dallas Morning News, scholarship funds already mailed to Texas Christian University (TCU), somehow got retrieved and new checks were cut – this time the funds bypassed the schools (allegedly) and went straight to the students, once again, allegedly. Those students must really be thankful for sausage. Cuz’ you know, everybody needs a Johnson.

Speaking of Johnsons, has anybody heard from Al Gore lately? It seems that crazed little sex poodle has simply dropped out of sight. Or maybe he just moved to Greenland and is melting his Johnson as that big island gets globally warmed. Think of the possibilities! Instead of a crazed sex poodle, we could end up with a crazed sex puddle on our hands. Naw, that can’t be it. Reliable sources tell us that Greenland isn’t melting after all. It was just another liberal environmental wacko theory. The walruses are safe, guys. But, like Al Gore, are still a little horny. Tusk, Tusk. Perhaps Al Gore will surface next week for the dedication ceremonies of the brand spanking new Carson-Gore Academy. Being the dedicated tree hugger that he is, Gore must be awfully proud of the fact that this school, named after him, was built on what amounted to a toxic waste dump. The dirty dirt has since been removed, but the Gore lives on in infamy. From ABC News:

“It’s unconscionable that this is condoned by environmental leaders,” said Jane Williams, the executive director of the non-profit environmental group California Communities Against Toxics. “I’d like to hear from Mr. Gore.”

“I’d like to hear about what he thinks about sending children to a school that’s been built on contaminated soil,” Williams said. “Silence is a form of condoning something like that.”

You can read the complete story here.

The midterm elections may very well prove to be all that’s needed to turn the congressional Democrats into kippered snacks. Smelling victory close at hand, the GOP is rubbing salt in the Democrats’ wounds, while simultaneously; Obama is hanging them out to dry. Check it out for yourself, that’s the perfect recipe for kippering your congressman.

Back in 1989, the company I worked for at the time was awarded a contract to do some engineering work for Snap-On-Tools. It’s a good company that makes great tools. Fortunately, for them, this story isn’t about the tool industry – well, not their kind of tools. I’m just setting the stage here. My good friend, Ron, got the call to travel to Kenosha, Wisconsin for preliminary work on the contract. When he returned to the office after his trip, he was turning purple with laughter about the goings on in the Dairy state. We’ve been discussing salami and Johnsons, so I can’t resist sharing this with you. And I’m sure I will somehow relate this story to the Democrats’ plight.

It seems some poor guy, name not released for obvious reasons, decided to play shade tree mechanic with his riding lawn mower. He put the beast up on concrete blocks, and then scooted underneath the mechanical monster to do who-knows-what. Well, the mower apparently slipped off the blocks and came crashing down on his Johnson – sliced it off clean!  Luckily for him it wasn’t a mulcher. Both he and his Johnson were rushed to the hospital, where surgeons, in a desperate attempt to keep Johnson in office, grafted that LBJ onto the man’s forearm – must have cost him a fortune in shirt alterations. After Ron finished telling the story, spittle spewing from his mouth, the joke around the office was that the guy obviously had a Snap-Off-Tool. Don’t believe me? Just read about it!

Well, the Democrats sure have sliced their collective Johnsons off since Obama took office, haven’t they!  They put the economy up on blocks with their socialist agenda and yet that darn economy somehow slipped off the blocks and mulched their Johnsons off right at their Bush tax cuts. Now the Main Stream Media is working furiously to reattach said severed liberal Johnsons to their congressional districts. It’s going to cost them a fortune in television ads. And that small fortune in attack ads isn’t going to matter at all. They are all going to end up like Haggis – stuffed.

So here we are post-Labor Day, when Obama announced he wanted another $50 billion stimulus so he can buy more porkulus sausage. Nobody knows yet if it will be maple-flavored. And guess what? Seems the Democrats don’t want any more of his doubled-down pig grindings. Doesn’t Obama get it? Voters don’t want his Johnson. They don’t want Harry’s Reid. And they don’t want Barney’s Frank. They want Johnsonville – now that’s some fine pork!

Obama is a one trick pony. All he knows is tax and spend. Congressional Democrats are just as dedicated as Obama to stupid economic theories, but they also know they’ve got first class tickets on the next train out of town. Their only chance of survival is for Obama to actually pass a conservative jobs bill by lowering taxes. Otherwise, they’re next for the sausage grinder – coming their way on November 2nd. But Obama, that one trick pony, will never deviate from his Porkulus II ghetto economics plan. It’s tantamount to throwing the congressional Democrats under the bus. There is no honor among thieves. Obama used the congressional Democrats for his own agenda. Now they’ve become expendable. Obama’s the Jackass and the congressional Democrats are his bung fodder. No matter how they grind it, the congressional Democrats know they are history – pawns in Obama’s tragic theater. Expect the wailing and gnashing of teeth to get louder and louder – reaching a crescendo on November 1st. They won’t go down without a sound. Pigs scream, too, when they’re butchered. November 2nd will be much quieter. Salami goes down smooth, any way you slice it.

The midterm elections should be delightful. The congressional Democrats are going to get their Johnsons sliced off. And, unlike that poor fellow back in Wisconsin, there won’t be skilled surgeons on hand to graft their Johnsons to another 2-year term. Would you believe it? There’s a graft shortage! Get over it already, Barney Frank. Turn the other cheek.

By the way, progressives, how do you like your Johnson? Grilled? Fried? Scorched? Fine. Do your wurst, congressional Democrats. You’re fired.

Sleaze – The Chicago Way

“So, what do you know about protocols?” asked the Vice President of Engineering for a network engineering company. It was the mid-1980s, and I wanted a job. I was clueless – it sounded Greek to me. I was so clueless that I didn’t even realize it was Geek, not Greek. So I answered his question the only way I could. I looked the man straight in the eye, opened my mouth and removed all doubt. “I can be nice to anybody,” I replied. He hired me anyway.

Decades later America needed a president. “So, what do you know about running a country?” asked the voters. It was 2008 and he wanted a job. He was so clueless that it sounded foreign to him. He was so utterly clueless that he didn’t even realize it was representative government the voters were talking about – not tyranny. So he answered the question the only way he could. He looked America straight in the eye, opened his mouth, and removed all doubt. “I’ve been a Community Organizer,” he answered proudly. We hired him anyway.

In Washington, where Congress rules,

Are few brave men, and countless fools.

The laws we live by, and each new bill,

Are decreed to us by the fools on The Hill.

Back in the 1970s, I was studying print journalism at a large university. PCs hadn’t yet been invented; even the Osbourne 1 wasn’t introduced until 1981. The student newspaper’s computer system consisted of a PDP-8/PDP-11 cluster and a fine assortment of VDT-100 dumb terminals. I was the newspaper’s Sports Editor. The school’s basketball coach and I didn’t get along. Officially, we hated each other, but had kept our feud at a simmer. That was about to change.

One day I wrote a glowing, wonderful, sickeningly sweet story about the basketball coach. I gushed in my praise of the man. If the story had arms, it would have thrown rose pedals at the coach’s feet when he read it. But I made the mistake of letting my true feelings about the man show through in the name I gave the story’s file on that computer system. I laid out the story on the front page of the sports section and went home to bed. During the evening, the Night Editor needed another story for the front page. He swiped my article about the basketball coach and plopped it right at the top of the front page. The only problem was that the story was too long for the space allotted to it on the front page. So he had to “jump” the story to another page. Unfortunately for me, he didn’t notice the filename. Even later that night, the newspaper’s typesetter began his work on the front page. At the end of the text that fit on Page 1 he referred to my filename and used it as the reference for the page jump – “See Sleaze on Page 14.” Then on Page 14, in nice huge 48-point type, the story continued with the headline “Sleaze”. The coach and I never spoke to each other again.

During 1985 Barack Hussein Obama moved to Chicago. It didn’t take him long to become associated with black militants and other assorted leftists in the Windy City. He found work as a Community Organizer for the “Industrial Areas Foundation” (IAF), which had been founded by the Marxist radical Saul Alinsky. Obama also worked with several other radical groups in Chicago including Alinsky’s “Developing Communities Project” (DCP), of which he was named Director; the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN); and Project Vote. Acorn was founded by Wade Rathke, who was an associate of the Weather Underground’s William Ayers. Obama made yet another connection to William Ayers when he received funding from the Woods Fund of Chicago – a group to which Ayers reportedly had connections.

Obama’s connections to the radical Chicago scene were further strengthened in 1989 when he became acquainted with Michelle Robinson, who worked at the Chicago law firm of Sidley Austin. Reportedly, the owner of that law firm was a friend of…drum roll please…William Ayers. Another drum roll…also working at Sidley Austin was Bernadine Dohrn, who had planted a bomb at a police station in San Francisco in 1970 that killed a policeman and partially blinded another police officer, according to an FBI Report. Of course, we are all familiar with the affinity Ayers and Dohrn have for explosives. Their targets included the U.S. Capital Building, the Pentagon, and New York City Police Headquarters, among others.

In 1992 Obama and Michelle Robinson were married by their spiritual mentor – the Rev. Jeremiah Wright – still another connection to a Chicago radical. Rimshot!

In 1995 Ayers launched yet another radical organization, an education foundation named the Chicago Annenberg Challenge. One of the grants awarded by the foundation went to an organization run by Mike Klonsky, a former head of the Marxist-Leninist Community Party of America. Obama was named the first Chairman of the Chicago Annenberg Challenge, a position he held until 1999. The Obama campaign issued a statement in response to a query from Stanley Kurtz of the National Review Online in which, the campaign claimed, Ayers was not involved with the recruitment of Obama to the board of the Chicago Annenberg Challenge. And in April of 2008, Obama attempted to distance himself from Ayers, claiming that Ayers was just “a guy who lives in my neighborhood,” and “not somebody who I exchange ideas with on a regular basis.” Yeah, sure, and the sun doesn’t rise in the East. Does the word “Sleaze” ring a bell?

Now we have seen Obama’s Chicago-style politics play out at the national level for more than a year and a half. We have been exposed to the sleazy way health-care reform was legislated. We have witnessed extravagant vacations on the taxpayers’ dime. We have watched takeovers of major corporations, and the creation of a gigantic slush fund, the magnitude of which has never before been seen in American politics. We get the uneasy feeling that just possibly, people with connections to the administration are personally profiting from all the sleaze.

The retirement plan for Tammy Faye,

Bears no resemblance to a 401K.

And then there is the case of Vera Baker, who allegedly engaged in an affair with Barack Obama. Baker has a professional background in political fundraising. With a business partner, Muthoni Wambu, Baker founded Baker Wambu & Associates during 2000. This fundraising firm signed on as a fundraiser for the Congressional Black Caucus. Baker developed a professional relationship, no pun intended, with Obama and joined his 2004 campaign staff for his Illinois Senate campaign as Finance Director. The National Enquirer later ran a story claiming evidence of an affair between Baker and Obama had been caught on a security video. Hill Buzz, though, expressed doubt that the affair ever took place. “We never believed Obama had an affair with a woman, because Obama does not appear to like women,” reported Hill Buzz. Continuing on, the Hill Buzz story further noted “As American Standard recently wondered, there are no former girlfriends, either on the scene or noted in any of the books William Ayers or Jon Favreau wrote for Obama. No high school girlfriends. No college sweethearts. But, there sure are plenty of men he’s spent an odd amount of time with.” Now, I am certainly not accusing Obama and Baker of having an affair. And I am not accusing Obama of being homosexual. I do not possess information to support contentions such as those. But the National Enquirer raised the question about a potential affair, and as far as I know, Vera Baker has denied that an affair ever took place, but Obama has not commented on the subject. Regardless, rumors swirled around the Obama campaign on this subject and you can easily dredge up information on this topic by Googling it.

The problem here may have nothing to do with impropriety, but the perception of impropriety has given the Vera Baker story legs, so to speak.

“Is nothing sacred?” asked the Hart.

Who read the Bible, but skipped one part.

A little verse regarding vice,

That admonished restraint with Donna Rice.

Now we are approaching the 2010 midterm elections. All indications are that the Democrats are going to suffer a defeat for the ages in November. Rumors and political analyses abound about the possibility of the Republicans taking control of the House of Representatives, and perhaps, even the United States Senate. What’s more, political pundits are beginning to speculate that Obama could even resign before the end of his first term – a theory I don’t believe for a heartbeat. Obama finagled his way to the highest political office of the land. I can’t believe he isn’t going to see it through. Power is intoxicating and he’s drinking it up from the public trough.

There are more rumors that he will be impeached. If the Republicans win back Congress, that certainly becomes a possibility. But, I predict, that even if an attempt is made in that direction, that it will fail. I suppose it all depends on what the definition of the word “sleaze” is. Shades of Clinton come to find.

Finally, the rumor mill is grinding away at the possibility that Obama won’t run for a second term. Once again, I don’t believe it. Yes, Obama uttered words to the effect that he would rather be a great one-term president than a mediocre two-term president. But honesty, do you believe him. I mean, it’s not like, allegedly, he has ever been caught in a lie before – note the legal disclaimer.

Now, why would the main stream media and the blogosphere both be discussing a) Obama quitting before his first term is over, b) impeachment, and c) pulling an LBJ and declining to run for a second term? The answer is that the majority of Americans can now clearly see the failure of the Obama presidency. The sleaze and corruption are shining through. The incompetence is inescapable. The arrogance is as obvious as his upturned nose. Obama’s lack of personal ethics is stunningly apparent. The corruption of Congress is plain to see – the most ethical Congress ever. The deliberate attempts to cut America down to size are infuriating patriots from sea to shining sea. Unlike me, Obama apparently doesn’t have the ability to be nice to everybody. He is a fraud. He is clueless. And his arrogance doesn’t allow him to see himself for what he really is. Therefore, I believe that Obama will indeed run for a second term. And just like the 2010 midterms, the Democrats are going to suffer a second rousing defeat in 2012 because of Obama. In the meantime, Obama will put America through Hell. Heaven help us until the day he leaves office, voluntarily or otherwise.

So back to Denver in his shame,

A candidate now, but just in name.

A lesson learned. A battle fought.

What fun he had, but he got caught!

In the interest of clarity, I must disclose that I wrote all of the poetry in this column during the 1980s. I started tinkering around with political satire poetry in 1986 and the verses in this column are extracted from unpublished poems I wrote surrounding events from that era including the Jim and Tammy Faye Baker PTL business empire collapse, Gary Hart’s alleged affair with Donna Rice, and a generic poem about Congress. Other than these extracts, the balance of those poems will never see the light of day – though I grin every time I recite them in my mind.

Franking Privileges

Polar CougHey, Barry! Does your Beano Cook? Huh? You don’t understand the question? Well, let me put it to you another way. Why does Barney get unlimited Franking privileges? And why doesn’t he have to give up the cheap satisfaction of the radical pose for the deep satisfaction of the radical ends? Is that why you kept voting pleasant all those years? And how come you light up your Hairy Reid but consistently end up burning the Bush? Think you’re Moses? Well, of course, your Pharaohness, there certainly are similarities. Moses floated down the Nile and you most certainly are also in denial. And then there’s the money thing, too. Egyptus? Hell, you gyptus! Crap, you plan to keep on gypting us From Here To Eternity (which explains your obsession with Hawaii, doesn’t it!)

But, I digress. I think I have you figured out. As far as your perverted quest for power is concerned, if Genghis Kahn, yes, you most certainly Kahn too! Kenya see it now? Yeah, I know, I know. The pain in Spain flies mainly on your plane. But now you’re the one who’s digressing. Let’s get back to the point. You’re hurting us. What? Well of course it hurts! We’re getting screwed by a Jackass! Oh right, we’ll all just take two pain pills and call you in the morning. Yes, it’s true. You are a cereal killer. Thanks to you, we’re the only banana republic that has to import its bananas. So, you see, we don’t want to call you in the morning. We’re all staring at a leveraged bowl of Captain Kickass, minus the bananas, and just can’t get all excited about picking up the phone and giving you a ring. My apologies to your nose, but rings cost money, don’t cha’ know? At least Carter knew whose ass to kick – poor rabbit.

So, here we find ourselves, 19 months into the making of the Foundation of your Empire, and what are the major news items of the day? Well, let’s see…there’s your unbridled enthusiasm for building a mosque at Ground Zero (Go figure, the site is named after you.). And, of course, Blago’s jury is well-hung – unlike you, according to Sarah Palin. But who needs to ask Palin’s opinion when Jesse Jackson already offered a while back to help you sing a couple of octaves higher?  Yeah, I heard about the squirrel too. But, you know? It never would have starved to death if you hadn’t let it run up your leg. Your alleged manhoodlessness is a national joke, Barry. Wasn’t it about two years ago when we all heard the rumor that if Hillary Clinton gave you one of her acorns, you’d both have two? Which brings us to the mom jeans – whose mom? And who’s genes? And that tingle Chris Matthews had down his leg? Don’t worry about it. It dried up. On the bright side, Vera Baker notwithstanding, at least you seem to have learned from Bill Clinton to keep your rod out of your staff…which brings us right back to David Axelrod. Not a bad name for a cheesy little squirt who gives us the entire shaft. Well-oiled? 10-40, Good Buddy!

Anyway, back to the news. Seems Charlie Wrangle and Maxipad Waters have no ethics. “Ethics? We don’t need no stinkin’ ethics!  Besides, it’s Bush’s fault, that friggin’ Cracka”. Would you like some cheese on that Cracka, Maxine? Or, are you on a diet and want to cut the cheese? Either way, Maxine stinks, Barry, and you know it. Reminds me of a song I learned as a young Cracka, Barry. Listen up while I sing you the tune…

Well, I stuck my head in a little skunk’s hole.
And that little skunk said, “Well, bless my soul!”
“Take it out, take it out, take it out, take it out…
Remove it!”

Well, I didn’t take it out, and I didn’t take it out.
And that little skunk said, “If you don’t take it out…
You’ll wish you had, take it out, take it out…
remove it!”

Pshhhhhhhhh….I removed it!

Pshhhhhhhhh, Barry. That’s the sound of November 2nd, 2010.  You stink. The nation is going to collectively pull your head out of the hole. I won’t water it down for you. To tell you the truth, Maxine stinks. So does Barney’s Frank. And Axel’s rod. And he ain’t heavy, he’s my Hairy Reid.

Believe it or not, I sympathize with your situation. Let’s look at it objectively. You’ve really got it bad. Your Chief of Staff has a history of sending dead fish to people in the mail. Gives a whole new meaning to snail mail – it just might be! And then there’s your personal assistant, Valerie Jarrett, the local slum lord. And Baghdad Bob…geez, what were you drinking the day you hired that gas bag? I bet his Beano doesn’t Cook, either. And let’s not forget your love child, Nancy Pelosi. You can read about her in the Bible – in Genesis, to be precise. God took a rib from Adam and made the first loudspeaker.  That’s why her face is so tight – loudspeakers don’t work unless the woofer is uptight, out-of-sight, and in the groove.

So what’s your plan to get out of this mess, Barry? Go on vacation? Golf? Spend other people’s money? I gotta tell you, buddy. You’re in it too deep.  George Sore Ass can’t save you this time. You are such a shallow thinker that your mental masturbation ain’t going to buy you love. I admit it was a stroke of genius to redirect NASA to kiss up to Islam, but really, all you are going to do is end up with a bad case of peegret. That’s what happens when you split the bar without first dumping the lemonade. Next time try vodka – an Absolut Zero. That’s your only hope. You’re not THE ONE. All you are is the Zero. Absolut Zero.  Cheers.

This article is the opinion of the author, our favorite penguin you can enjoy on twitter @PolarCoug.