Hey, Barry! Does your Beano Cook? Huh? You don’t understand the question? Well, let me put it to you another way. Why does Barney get unlimited Franking privileges? And why doesn’t he have to give up the cheap satisfaction of the radical pose for the deep satisfaction of the radical ends? Is that why you kept voting pleasant all those years? And how come you light up your Hairy Reid but consistently end up burning the Bush? Think you’re Moses? Well, of course, your Pharaohness, there certainly are similarities. Moses floated down the Nile and you most certainly are also in denial. And then there’s the money thing, too. Egyptus? Hell, you gyptus! Crap, you plan to keep on gypting us From Here To Eternity (which explains your obsession with Hawaii, doesn’t it!)
But, I digress. I think I have you figured out. As far as your perverted quest for power is concerned, if Genghis Kahn, yes, you most certainly Kahn too! Kenya see it now? Yeah, I know, I know. The pain in Spain flies mainly on your plane. But now you’re the one who’s digressing. Let’s get back to the point. You’re hurting us. What? Well of course it hurts! We’re getting screwed by a Jackass! Oh right, we’ll all just take two pain pills and call you in the morning. Yes, it’s true. You are a cereal killer. Thanks to you, we’re the only banana republic that has to import its bananas. So, you see, we don’t want to call you in the morning. We’re all staring at a leveraged bowl of Captain Kickass, minus the bananas, and just can’t get all excited about picking up the phone and giving you a ring. My apologies to your nose, but rings cost money, don’t cha’ know? At least Carter knew whose ass to kick – poor rabbit.
So, here we find ourselves, 19 months into the making of the Foundation of your Empire, and what are the major news items of the day? Well, let’s see…there’s your unbridled enthusiasm for building a mosque at Ground Zero (Go figure, the site is named after you.). And, of course, Blago’s jury is well-hung – unlike you, according to Sarah Palin. But who needs to ask Palin’s opinion when Jesse Jackson already offered a while back to help you sing a couple of octaves higher? Yeah, I heard about the squirrel too. But, you know? It never would have starved to death if you hadn’t let it run up your leg. Your alleged manhoodlessness is a national joke, Barry. Wasn’t it about two years ago when we all heard the rumor that if Hillary Clinton gave you one of her acorns, you’d both have two? Which brings us to the mom jeans – whose mom? And who’s genes? And that tingle Chris Matthews had down his leg? Don’t worry about it. It dried up. On the bright side, Vera Baker notwithstanding, at least you seem to have learned from Bill Clinton to keep your rod out of your staff…which brings us right back to David Axelrod. Not a bad name for a cheesy little squirt who gives us the entire shaft. Well-oiled? 10-40, Good Buddy!
Anyway, back to the news. Seems Charlie Wrangle and Maxipad Waters have no ethics. “Ethics? We don’t need no stinkin’ ethics! Besides, it’s Bush’s fault, that friggin’ Cracka”. Would you like some cheese on that Cracka, Maxine? Or, are you on a diet and want to cut the cheese? Either way, Maxine stinks, Barry, and you know it. Reminds me of a song I learned as a young Cracka, Barry. Listen up while I sing you the tune…
Well, I stuck my head in a little skunk’s hole.
And that little skunk said, “Well, bless my soul!”
“Take it out, take it out, take it out, take it out…
Well, I didn’t take it out, and I didn’t take it out.
And that little skunk said, “If you don’t take it out…
You’ll wish you had, take it out, take it out…
Pshhhhhhhhh….I removed it!
Pshhhhhhhhh, Barry. That’s the sound of November 2nd, 2010. You stink. The nation is going to collectively pull your head out of the hole. I won’t water it down for you. To tell you the truth, Maxine stinks. So does Barney’s Frank. And Axel’s rod. And he ain’t heavy, he’s my Hairy Reid.
Believe it or not, I sympathize with your situation. Let’s look at it objectively. You’ve really got it bad. Your Chief of Staff has a history of sending dead fish to people in the mail. Gives a whole new meaning to snail mail – it just might be! And then there’s your personal assistant, Valerie Jarrett, the local slum lord. And Baghdad Bob…geez, what were you drinking the day you hired that gas bag? I bet his Beano doesn’t Cook, either. And let’s not forget your love child, Nancy Pelosi. You can read about her in the Bible – in Genesis, to be precise. God took a rib from Adam and made the first loudspeaker. That’s why her face is so tight – loudspeakers don’t work unless the woofer is uptight, out-of-sight, and in the groove.
So what’s your plan to get out of this mess, Barry? Go on vacation? Golf? Spend other people’s money? I gotta tell you, buddy. You’re in it too deep. George Sore Ass can’t save you this time. You are such a shallow thinker that your mental masturbation ain’t going to buy you love. I admit it was a stroke of genius to redirect NASA to kiss up to Islam, but really, all you are going to do is end up with a bad case of peegret. That’s what happens when you split the bar without first dumping the lemonade. Next time try vodka – an Absolut Zero. That’s your only hope. You’re not THE ONE. All you are is the Zero. Absolut Zero. Cheers.
This article is the opinion of the author, our favorite penguin you can enjoy on twitter @PolarCoug.Wake up Right! Subscribe to our Morning Briefing and get the news delivered to your inbox before breakfast!