Thanking the President: A Racist Conservative Finally Confesses That Obama is Pure Awesomeness

Throughout Barack Hussein Obama’s presidency, racist conservatives (an oxymoron) have suffered through the leadership of a man who is nothing but pure awesomeness. Unfortunately, some of us have been unable to come out of the closet and articulate our appreciation because, well — he’s black.

I know, I know. We’re trying to run a respectable establishment here. As long as we have segregated blog categories for white and black commentators, we should be safe. In any event, it’s been a real struggle to maintain a veneer of contempt for a president who is so damned admirable and whose list of accomplishments seem to go on forever.

Take the economy, for example. Without the president’s guidance, who knows where we’d be right now. Twenty, thirty percent unemployment? There can be no denying that the president single-handedly saved our economy from the abyss. If we assume capitalism would have completely collapsed, he saved at least 150 million jobs!

It would have been easier to admit this before, if one weren’t so blinded by the president’s melanin content. “Dark skin, bad. Light skin, good.” That’s the way we conservatives have been raised to think. But I’m starting to rethink this old saw and now the brilliant accomplishments of this president are so glaring, I don’t know how I’ve missed them before.

Think about the wars overseas. The president ran on a campaign pledge to end the wars in quick fashion. We conservatives, loving war and death and destruction, were naturally mortified. Four years later, only one war has ended. And if we measure Obama against Bush, our current president had three wars and numerous – overseas contingency operations? – going at the same time. Obama has beaten Bush in warmongering, hands down. But I couldn’t see this before and truly appreciate it because, well — he’s black.

We were all concerned going into 2009 that Obama was going to reverse Bush policies hostile to civil liberties. The fate of the simply magnificent Patriot Act hung in the balance. But Obama not only didn’t end such goodies as warrantless wiretapping and extraordinary rendition, he doubled the drone attacks on innocent women and children! President Obama even declared he had the power to detain and assassinate American citizens, but would refrain from doing so. What’s not to love about this guy?

One thing that conservatives feared was that America’s first post-racial president would heal the country’s racial divide. The right obviously needs the issue of racism to continue if we’re going to keep blacks from voting Republican. But Obama has not only refused to transcend race, he has stoked animosity by rubbing raw the wounds of resentment.  Being racist, a conservative might have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it is awesome. On the other hand, the man is black. Hence, the dilemma.

There’s universal healthcare. What conservative doesn’t like the idea of a nationwide healthcare system in principle? The only problem last time the program came up was we had a person with a vagina offering it to us. Vaginas are fine as long as those who have them stay in the bedrooms and keep their opinions to themselves. But now we have this man with undesirable skin tone come along and offer it to us, and all we can focus on is his race. We had this golden opportunity to get the socialist program of our dreams, and it had to be offered by a black man! Oh, God has a sense of humor!

As a part of his universal healthcare program, the president gave us a two-fer on a silver platter: an arbitrary reason to oppose a black man and a chance to carry out a war on women! What more could a racist, chauvinist conservative ask for? Obviously, we all agree that it is every woman’s right to have other people pay for her condoms and other sexual equipment. Hell, give them all $100 vouchers to Victoria’s Secret for all we care! And no doubt, we all love guilt-free sex, so throw in a taxpayer-subsidized abortion special while you’re at it. But to have a black man offer this to us, and as an added bonus, force the church to subsidize it – we should all be in hog heaven! Instead, we are so mesmerized by the fact that he is a shade of pigmentation darker than us, we just can’t get over it.

Conservatives, we need to get over this petty fascination with race and realize that President Obama is delivering us the national programs of our wildest dreams! This man doesn’t deserve our bile and hatred, he warrants our unbridled gratitude!

So let me just say it here. Mr. Obama, thank you so much for all the things you’ve done to advance the conservative cause. We conservatives have been so obsessed with race these past few years, we haven’t recognized your unblemished greatness! If there’s anything a good Christian like yourself knows, it’s that we all have a chance to change the error of our ways. We’ve seen the light, even if it has fallen on a face that is not white.

Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.

Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and Own the Narrative, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.