Tag Archives: Humor/Satire

President Obama Decrees 19 Laws of Economics

President Obama decreed the following 19 laws of economics:

  1. Everyone should get everything for free without paying for it.
  2. Anyone should be able to demand that other people work to pay for his wants and needs.
  3. Making people work to support their own lives is mean and is therefore unnecessary.
  4. If someone forces others to work for him, it shall be known as slavery. If citizens force others to work for them through democratic government, it shall be called “social justice.”
  5. If someone wants to keep his own money, it shall be labeled “greed.” If some with less money want to take away from those with more money, that shall be called “fairness.”
  6. Politicians know more than the people themselves what are their wants and needs.
  7. Healthcare is a right, so anyone can demand that another citizen provide him free medical treatment on the spot and it is illegal to refuse.
  8. Housing is a right, so if you don’t have a home, force your neighbor to build one for you.
  9. Wages are arbitrary, and therefore, everyone deserves a raise.
  10. Debt is irrelevant, so we’re just going to pretend it’s not there.
  11. If you don’t feel like working, just retire, because it doesn’t matter how many people are supporting your needs.
  12. It doesn’t matter what country you’re from, we will give you money, whether or not you put anything into the economy.
  13. A job is a right, so everyone is now officially working for the government.
  14. All monopolies are outlawed, except for the government, which has a monopoly of coercion.
  15. If a citizen takes something by force, it shall be known as theft. If the government takes something by force, it shall be called “redistributive justice.”
  16. Taxing the rich will pay for all of our wants and needs forever.
  17. Success shall be punished, and failure rewarded.
  18. Hard work and talent shall be compensated with higher taxes, and mediocre work and idleness shall be compensated with government handouts.
  19. The only thing one must do to sustain these laws of economics is to continue voting Democrat.

BREAKING: Mainstream Media Uncovers Looming “Fiscal Cliff,” Overlooks “Fiscal Abyss”

Mainstream media outlets are now warning of the United States’ impending “fiscal cliff” after months of vigorous investigative journalism and heated legal battles forced the Obama administration to grant a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request for documents detailing federal budget projections.

The subject documents, which have been publicly available through the Congressional Budget Office’s (CBO) website, like, forever, show that the federal government’s financial outlook has been Wile E. Coyote-ing over a “fiscal abyss” long before President Obama was re-elected on November 6th, 2012.

Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary and communications director for the Guild of Mainstream Media Outlets, explained during a November 14th press conference, “We are facing an unprecedented fiscal state of affairs and the President is ready to address this very important issue. We applaud the media for bringing the issue into Americans’ homes.”

In response to an inquiry from a reporter with The Laissez Faire regarding the timing of media’s coordinated announcement of the newly discovered “fiscal cliff,” Carney responded by growing a mischievous smirk, covering his mouth with both hands, and squeaking “Tee-Hee, Tee-Hee!” before gleefully frolicking off the press stage.

The looming “fiscal cliff” refers to the short-term projected economic impact of 1) allowing the Bush-era tax cuts and payroll tax cuts to expire and 2) the imposition of automatic spending cuts under the Budget Control Act of 2011 (i.e., the “sequestration” cuts that trim federal spending across the board resulting from an indecisive super-committee), both set to occur on January 1st, 2013, which the CBO predicts would result in a short-term drop of 0.5% in gross domestic product and an increase in unemployment to 9.1% by the end of 2013.

However, reasonable economists across the country warn that the long-term federal budget outlook is far more dire than both CBO budget projections and the short-term impacts of the media’s newly discovered “fiscal cliff” might suggest.

A group of renowned economists have expressed greater concern over a longer-term “fiscal abyss” in a recent white paper titled, “Holy Shit! Federal Government owes Nearly $100 Trillion!” The white paper cites a study by the non-partisan National Center for Policy Analysis which calculates an estimated $84 Trillion of unfunded federal liabilities (the study notes the $84 Trillion is a “conservative estimate”), a dismal outlook that far dwarfs the media’s conveniently timed announcement of the headline-hoarding “fiscal cliff.”

R. Runner, Ph.D,  a senior research fellow at the Acme Institute of Super Obvious Studies, explained that the federal government “…simply makes too many promises that it can’t keep in the interest of political expediency; many of which are far contrary to the principles and ideas transcribed in the documents that founded this great country. And quite frankly,” he added, “their actions are immoral.”

In a technicolorful analogy, Dr. Runner further noted that, “We’re not looking out toward some distant ‘fiscal cliff,’ or ‘fiscal abyss,’ whatever you want to call it. We’re beyond the land’s edge of any metaphorical ‘cliff.’ Much like the laws of physics would wait for Wile E. Coyote to process the fact that his chase led him over the edge of a canyon before applying the force of gravity, we’re now beginning to process the fact that the government’s promises are unsustainable and soon, like the ill-fated cartoon coyote, the laws of economics will catch up to us sending our economy plummeting to the bottom of our own fiscal canyon if drastic cuts in spending and vast reductions in scope of government do not happen soon.”

Despite the media’s paltry attempt to bring relevant economic information to the citizens’ attention (coincidentally at the heels of a major presidential election), they failed to discuss the dismal long-term outlook beyond the impending ‘fiscal cliff.’ They further failed to discuss the implications of an ever-growing federal government made up of elected (and unelected) officials who continue to make short-term promises for political gains, meanwhile bludgeoning the principles of individual rights into a gory pulp of federally-mandated collectivism whose end game will necessarily be a two-class society: the underclass, and the political class.

Crossposted at TruthInJest.

Top World Reactions to Obama’s Re-election

Celebrations spontaneously erupted in the Muslim World after learning the news that Obama will return to office.

The terrorist community was exuberant that Obama will be back to provide more weapons-trafficking in the Middle East. Above is a photo of a Libyan militia member flashing the victory signal to the president.

Russian strongman Vladimir Putin wept tears of joy that America’s most flexible president will be returning to compromise on missile defense, unilateral nuclear disarmament, and other international issues.

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez joined fellow Obama-endorser Vladimir Putin in giving a shout out to President Obama for his victory.

President Obama took a bow before the Saudi Prince for running a brilliant campaign based on Big Bird, Mitt hates cookies, binders full of women, and horses and bayonets.

African Americans for Obama proclaimed the end of racism by tweeting “f*ck white people.”

Key Obama campaigner Beyonce Knowles tweeted out “Take that Mitches.” There’s no word if Jay-Z celebrated with another rendition of “99 Problems and Mitt Ain’t One.”

Bits of protoplasm often mistaken for human beings partied at the idea of re-electing a president who supports their arbitrary termination.

Children cried with joy at the thought of their debt burden skyrocketing over $200,000 per person for their age group.

Mother Gaia gave an official press announcement thanking Obama for restoring rightful control over the earth’s climate to unelected bureaucrats in Washington.

The devil was ecstatic over the election of a party that voted twice to remove God from its platform (before being overruled, of course).

Baby vampire bats smiled approvingly at the Democrat voters who returned Obama to power.

Lab Test Finds Traces of “Date-Rape Drug,” GHB, on Lena Dunham’s 2008 Election Ballot

A recent Obama campaign ad featuring Lena Dunham, star and head writer of HBO’s hit series, Girls, likening her 2008 vote for Barack Obama to losing her virginity has come under fire as lab results uncovered traces of GHB, commonly referred to as the “date-rape drug,” on her 2008 presidential ballot.

The subject campaign ad features a bubbly Dunham recalling her 2008 cherry-poppin’ curtain-drawin’ ballot-castin’ “first time” voting, during which she cast her vote for current President Barack Obama. During the ad’s minute-long virginity-surrendering intimation, Dunham explains to viewers that, “your first time shouldn’t be with just anybody. You want to do it with a great guy…somebody who really cares about you and understands women…[a guy who cares about] whether you get birth control…” among other fractured likenesses, concluding with, “before I was a girl. Now I was a woman. I voted for Barack Obama.”

However, lab results just released by the Ohio State University Medical Center revealed that Dunham’s 2008 presidential ballot contained distinct traces of the date-rape drug, GHB. Dr. Keller Sterling, PhD., who led the test team at the Ohio State University lab, pre-refuted skeptics of his findings explaining that, “because the November 2008 ballot cannot urinate or otherwise extract any substances from itself whatsoever, the lapse of time between the administration of the drug and the testing date did not impair the purity of the sample.”

The test results have effectively rendered the promiscuous Obama campaign ad baseless and left political pundits perplexed.

Dunham’s 2008 election ballot is finally speaking out since being substantiated by the recently released lab results. The victimized ballot recalled his final memory from that fateful night, “I was relaxing in [Dunham’s] polling booth,” the ballot explained, “we were just talking over a casual drink…when, without warning, she turned around and snapped the polling booth curtains together in haste. She turned back and approched me with intent, grabbed me with both hands, flipped me over on my back and declaratively whispered, ‘tonight…I become a woman.’ I began shaking with fear, like a lonely loose-leaf in the trembling hands of a nervous orator; then, I felt the pressure of her pen making its uninvited contact with my body, which jolted me into a defensive fit and that’s when everything just went blank…I woke up the next day in the ballot-counting machine with a massive headache and dark black bruising in my ‘Barack Obama’ bubble…”

Dunham did not return requests for comment. Sources close to Dunham are reporting that she has locked herself in her Brooklyn Heights apartment and is not allowing visitors since obtaining her 2012 absentee ballot nearly a week ago.

Obama campaign manager and competitive ginger, Jim Messina, issued the following statement in response to the recent developments:

The Obama 2012 reelection campaign is deeply troubled by the recent developments related to Lena Dunham’s questionable interaction with her 2008 presidential ballot. While the Obama campaign does not condone this type of promiscuous behavior outright, it would like to take this opportunity to remind voters: Psst! Hey! Free birth control over here!!!

Ohio state prosecutors explained that they will not seek charges against Dunham because an inanimate election ballot cannot be a victim of a crime according to state statutes.

* The above is satire. Although Lena Dunham did seriously star in an Obama campaign ad comparing her first time voting for Barack Obama to losing her virginity. For real, that actually happened, and it’s even posted on the Barack Obama campaign website. Like…for real.

Crossposted at TruthInJest.

Bigoted, Racist, No-Good, Evil Conservatives and the Leftists Who Need Them

All those who dabble in the dark arts of conservatism are called bigots, racists, sexists, homophobes or just plain evil in the course of exchanging pleasantries with the left. So why not just own it?

Fine, I’m a bigot, a racist, a sexist and a homophobe, according to a warped left-wing worldview that casts all those who oppose government redistribution as oppressors of blacks, immigrants, gays and women.

Obviously, any wingnut’s confession of guilt for the litany of sins charged by his fork-tongued adversaries is tongue-in-cheek. The question is: do progressives who project such a nefarious psyche onto their ideological opponents really believe the nonsense they’re spouting? In other words, are lefties getting high on their own supply?

There are two kinds of people who believe the tripe that conservatives are racist misogynistic knuckle-draggers: the uncritical soft left, who suckle at the sour teats of MSNBC and CBS News, Huffington Post or Yahoo News; and the Marxist, Castroite left, whose ideological framework necessarily casts their opponents in the mold of bigots, racists and women-oppressors.

But let’s leave aside the flotsam and jetsam who float idly on the neomarxist cultural tide and concentrate on the ideological leadership. Why do the Ivy league set say the right is full of closet Klan members aching for a return to the ‘good old days’ when a fella could whimsically rape and abuse women in public, force them to carry babies to term, and then burn any as witches who so much think about asking for child support?

The left needs the right. In a zero-sum world where the poor are necessarily impoverished by the rich, the minority are necessarily oppressed by the majority, and physically weaker women are the prey of physically stronger men, then there is no other explanation for someone opposing the left’s equalization of life’s injustice than being prejudiced.

That’s why if you oppose Barack Obama’s quixotic brand of value redistribution, then you must be a heartless racist! That’s why if you think the Lily Ledbetter act is a condescending piece of legislation that neglects the market’s punishment of idiots who don’t recompense for value because of anti-vagina bias, then you sir, are a mysogynist. And that’s why if you believe that immigrants must at least pay tributary acknowledgment of our rule of law and our system of government, then you must be a xenophobe.

In order to cast themselves as heroes of their own passion play righting the wrongs of cosmic injustice, progressives need villains. It’s not enough to yell, Lieutenant-Danlike, in front of an ungodly hurricane, “Come and get me, you son of a bitch!” — one has to cast other human beings as somehow responsible for the gargantuan storm.

Never mind that any hurricane possesses the combined force of several million nuclear bombs; in order to stop these catastrophic acts of Nature, people just need to stop breathing. It’s the progressive version of “original sin,” born of a post-religious worldview that takes all the worst aspects of Christianic faith and throws in the non-redeeming value of eschewing God.

But underlying this point-of-view is the true irony: it casts all members of a given class of people (sound familiar?) as inherently needing of progressives’ help. Women truly are needing of all sorts of government protections; lest the marketplace would have them all in sweatshops. Blacks need housing projects or even better, redlining legislation; or else greedy bankers would win out (by not making money on mortgages, apparently). If humans are allowed to go about their business making stuff without progressives putting a halt to it, the planet will be poisoned and all life on earth will end as we know it.

Not to mention that according to taxpayer-funded NPR, if you plan on voting for the mildly pro-market Romney/Ryan, then just put your check on the “white supremacist ticket“…

The conservative’s answer to the left on matters of economic justice is that consumers, laborers and businesses are held accountable for their decisions every day, as voted on in dollars. People don’t need biased, self-interested progressives rigging the system for themselves or for crony corporations or for unions. Right-wingers would rather have the maximum amount of economic power in their own hands; and no, they don’t believe working for or buying products from corporations is an act of exploitation. On the other side of the “corporate exploitation” equation are the consumers that derive benefit from their goods and services.

The progressive worldview is a paternalistic breed of racism and sexism that projects its biases onto those who oppose them on principled grounds. Conservatives don’t believe in ever-expansive, redistributive government, period. They don’t think people need it, in general, because there is enough equality in society among the great majority that if the marketplace is unleashed, people will have more than enough opportunities to triumph over adversity, making themselves and their country better in the process.

The conservative, therefore, is decidedly unbiased. Individuals can make it if the government’s big black boots of taxation, regulation, and redistribution are taken off their throats. Welfare and unemployment suppress human development; they represent the opposite of the kind of self-empowerment conservatives want to see for all citizens.

The conservative worldview is one where people are potential winners and not all tragedies in life can be prevented, only tempered through personally given charity and love; lest we empower a government that will cause more systematic and widespread tragedy through tyranny.

White House Dog, Bo: “I’m Voting for Romney/Ryan,” An Exclusive Interview with the First Dog

“Look, I know, I know…I’m a dog, and I’m supposed to be ‘loyal’ and all that…I get that all the time, but if you’d heard what I heard, and saw what I saw, you could break from some genetically-predispositioned loyalty to your owner too!” – Bo on the 2012 Election

October 9, 2012 – Washington, District of Collusion

Bo, the lovable White House canine and registered Democrat, came out harshly against his owner and current President of the United States, Barack Obama, during a recent interview with a street reporter from The Laissez Faire. The account from the young Portie offers an intimate look into the inner happenings of the White House, the President’s policy positions, and why one dog is breaking from his instinctual loyalty to support the candidate who is running against his owner in the 2012 U.S. Presidential election.

Bo is a black and white Portuguese Water Dog, who was taken from his previous owner, who had three dogs, and redistributed to the President and his family, who had zero dogs, when he was just a young pup in mid-April of 2009. Generally mild-tempered, Bo is quick to correct anyone who suggests he might share his owner’s qualities, explaining “…my similarities with my owner stop [at the color of my fur].” Bo turned four today, October 9, 2012, and respectfully corrects any “human-year” measurement with his “dog-year” equivalent accepting the simple conversion method of multiplying by a factor of 7, thereby tracking to turn 28 per his calculation. “It’s weird; I can’t believe I’m almost 30,” Bo explains, “Although living here has probably added a decade or two from having to suffer through all of my owner’s policy advisors.”

The following is an uncensored, exclusive interview with the “first dog” conducted during a morning walk down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C.

LF: What is it like being “first dog” and getting to live at the White House with President Obama?

Bo [pausing to gather his response]: Hmm…I guess I’d compare it to a non-stop vet appointment where Paul Krugman, DVS, repeatedly takes a rectal temp with a freezing-cold candy thermometer while discussing his economic ‘visions’ through a dog whistle…

LF [chuckling]: Wow, really that bad?

Bo: Worse, the whole time [former President George W. Bush’s late cat] India is instagramming the whole thing and tweeting play-by-plays to the AKC!

LF [guffawing]: Well that was a colorful metaphor. So who will you be supporting in the November elections?

Bo [sighs]: I’m voting for Romney and Ryan.

LF: ‘Voting’? But you’re a dog; you mean ‘supporting’, right?

Bo: Oh no, I’ll be voting…yep, ACORN registered me to vote in the 2008 election. Bastards strapped on a high-voltage shock collar and had a goon hold his thumb over the zap button while he watched me fill out an entirely Democratic ticket. It was demoralizing to say the least.

LF: Wow! Did he ever actually shock you?

Bo: No, but he had a crazy look in his eye after I submitted my ballot. He wanted to do it just for kicks. I could sense it. So as soon as they removed the shock collar I bit him in the…well, let’s just say, if I can’t have ‘em, then he can’t either…

LF: Yikes…so, as a dog, whose species is known for their loyalty to their owners, why will you be voting for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan in November?

Bo: Look, I know, I know, I’m a dog, and I’m supposed to be ‘loyal’ and all that…I get that all the time, but if you’d heard what I heard, and saw what I saw, you could break from some genetically-predispositioned loyalty to your owner too!

LF: Interesting, so what specifically would you tell voters about their decision this fall?

Bo: Well first, I would remind them that 28 dog-years is a long time for our country to be under his leadership again. I mean, just look at how much our national debt increased during the first 28 dog-years…it’s up something like $5 Trillion dollars since he took office! Why our $16 Trillion of national debt isn’t causing more people to start hoarding food and amassing firearms is beyond my simple canine-mind. It’s a really big deal, and he’s chosen to simply make fun of it in his private life while ignoring it in his professional life.

LF: What do you mean when you say he ‘makes fun’ of it in his personal life?

Bo: He actually started this disgusting National Debt-themed drinking game that he plays with his “college buddies” when they all get together.

LF: That’s…interesting? Can you recall any of the specific rules to this game?

Bo: It’s awful…let’s see…umm…Oh! Ok, for example, if the National Debt rolls to a new “trillion” while they all happen to be together, they divide the new number by one trillion, and have to take that many drinks. And if they’re not together when it hits a new trillion, they will sit and text or Facebook each other all night about it. Like when it hit $16 trillion, appropriately on the same day that the Democratic National Convention kicked off might I add, I saw him send a text to his buddies that read something along the lines of “16 DRINKS, B****EZ!!!!” with some cartoon icon of a beer mug followed by a fist-bump or something. [pauses] I know…it’s sick, seriously. Most of the other rules are just buzz-word drinking cues, you know, like they’ll take a drink every time they hear someone say “the National Debt,” “deficit spending,” “future generations,” and some others that are escaping me at the moment.

LF: Well your account is very insightful, to say the least. So you think the out-of-control National Debt should be a contributing factor for voters this fall?

Bo: Look, if Democrats gain power and win the White House, our National Debt will just keep compounding and we’ll be launched into the fast lane of the Road to Serfdom Express…and once you’ve started down that road it will take a near-miracle to safely exit back onto the Freedom Freeway…pardon the silly wordplay, but the Democrats in Washington notoriously bite the hand of the private sector that feeds their leviathan gluttonous government. I mean at some point, these successful business owners, the private sector producers, are going to be asked to foot more this enormous bill, and then…well just go read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, that should fill in the rest.

LF: Excellent suggestion. So besides the National Debt, what other issues would you like to highlight for voters this fall?

Bo: Obamacare, or as they deceitfully titled it, the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.” What a crock! That’s like calling me, the “Fuzzy Little Kitten who Lives in a Salt-Water Aquarium Dog!”

LF: Interesting analogy. So you’re saying the President’s trademark legislation won’t actually protect patients nor promote affordable care, despite it being called the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act?

Bo: No! Are you kidding me? Look at the plethora of taxes and fees they jammed into those 2,000+ pages of used toilet paper. I would challenge anyone to explain to me, within the constraints of real-life mathematics, how increasing the cost of doing business will make the underlying product or service more “affordable” to the consumer. And the “patient protection” thing? How does the inevitable decrease in supply of physician services and increase in government bureaucracies possibly protect patients!?

LF: Fair point on the “affordable” part, but can you expand on why the supply of physician services will decrease and how that will impact patient care?

Bo: Well sure. Look, the burdensome regulations and ever-growing costs of running a practice (including reimbursement cuts from government payers) are encouraging current physicians to start exploring exit strategies and discouraging potential future students from entering the field at all. And when those services become scarce in supply the costs will skyrocket and services will necessarily be rationed. In fact, only the super-rich will have any choice in the type and quality of care they receive because they’ll be able to pay out of pocket for their services, or will be able to afford a lavish insurance policy. But consider your average middle class patient in this near-certain outcome of my owner’s daft-thought legislation: after the docs inevitably break into two camps, those being “Cash Only/Super Insurance Docs” and “Government Reimbursed Docs,” those providers in the Government Reimbursed camp, who will be seeing the vast majority of patients, will have to ration care to only patients who are in greatest need…or you know, those deemed deserving of care by some unelected Health and Human Services panel of bureaucrats. So to your average middle-class readers: fast forward 10 years, maybe 20 on the high end, and you’ll be finding yourself on long waiting lists for the most basic of services with little to no choice in the care you ultimately receive. But then again, what do I know? I’m just a dog after all…

LF: You seem very informed in the health care issue. Why did you take such an interest in this topic?

Bo: Well it was one of my owner’s babies, it was a big deal, just ask Olympic gaffe-lete, Joe Biden [referring to one of Biden’s many gaffes where the Vice President was caught on a live microphone describing the magnitude of the Obamacare signing ceremony using a particularly untoward expletive].

LF: So as President Obama’s “best friend,” were you privy to anything during the Obamacare legislative or pre-legislative process that may be of interest to voters?

Bo: I do recall a particular morning walk with my owner and some of the legislators on the Obamacare team…it was just after they had to concede the universal payer option…they were despondent, and the morning’s cloudy skies, cool drizzle and a panhandling B.B. King saxophonist added to their blues that morning. Suddenly the President stopped walking and commanded his posse’s attention. When they turned to face him he dropped his head and admitted the bill’s shortcomings in its current form, but then he shot up as if he had been revived by some emotional defibrillator and said, ‘It just sounds so cool, though, man!’ He then scanned the donkey-gray sky and found the one ray of sunshine piercing the atmospheric gloom and spread his hands like a frame around that one lone solar soldier, squinted his eyes and passionately whispered, ‘Obamacare…’ And so it was settled in that moment, they went ahead and jammed the treachery through congress without even allowing anyone to read it and digest the vast consequences! What an awful moment for this country. Oh! And I’ll never forget Nancy Pelosi explaining to the American people that, ‘we have to pass it first to see what’s in it, duh!’

LF: Wow, you have a very vivid memory of that moment; it must have been very impactful for you.

Bo: Yeah well, I remember it so well because as he was standing there whispering ‘Obamacare…’ with more passion than Michelle [Obama] has ever heard, I posted up over his drizzle-spattered black wingtip shoe, lifted my leg, and let him know what I really thought of his idea right in front of his friends! It was magical!

LF: I can see where that would be memorable. So we’ve touched on the national debt, and now health care. Is there anything else you would like to speak to that has swayed you to the Republican ticket?

Bo: Well first, let’s remember that I’m a dog and technically I’m not able to speak at all. That being said… Two more things: The Supreme Court and potential United Nations gun control treaties.

LF: Well let’s take them one at a time. Let’s start with the Supreme Court. What about the Supreme Court is pushing you to the Republican ticket in 2012?

Bo: Well four of the current Supreme Court justices are in their seventies, and if my owner gets the opportunity to appoint more Kagan’s and Sotomayor’s to the bench, you bet he’ll be on top of that! Can you imagine such a young, liberal-leaning bench, digesting future cases and crapping out more and more activist rulings until they eventually just decide our Constitution itself needs to be re-written to ‘conform to the times,’ and task Elizabeth Warren with that project?! I’m outta here if that happens; I’ll be on a one-way flight to any country where my species isn’t a featured item on a dining menu!

LF: That’s a fair point. So what about the United Nations gun control treaties you mentioned?

Bo: The U.N. is always pushing for this Arms Trade Treaty, which effectively aims to impose worldwide controls on small arms. My owner has supported banning hand guns and semi-automatic weapons even before becoming President. Why wouldn’t he support signing over our sovereignty and second amendment rights to this international body once reelection is no longer a concern? While our current congress likely won’t ratify such a treaty, after he greases those wheels it’s only a matter of time before we have a congress that is supportive and, BANG! The U.N. will be able to track civilian owned firearms and further advance efforts to disarm American citizens from their global perch. I don’t know about you, but something just doesn’t smell right about that…

LF: Great points and excellent information all around. For a dog, your words have been very insightful. You really put a lot of time and thought into this election. But to end on some lighter questions, what types of activities do you and the President engage in together at the White House?

Bo: When he does find some time for me, that is, when he’s not out golfing, vacationing, campaigning, and signing overreaching legislation…he actually does take me out in the White House lawn for some play time.

LF: Oh, what kinds of games do you play together?

Bo: Well the typical games that dogs and their owners play…except that when we play the games, they’re always a little different than what I hear from my friends at the dog park.

LF: In what ways are they different?

Bo: Well, for example: fetch. If we’re out playing fetch together, you know, we’re having a great time, he’s throwing and I’m fetching, and then out of nowhere some of the 47% of dogs who don’t play fetch walk over to our game, and all of the sudden my owner will take the stick after I return it to him, break it into small, even pieces, and just walk over and give the pieces to the other dogs!

LF: That doesn’t sound like much fun at all. Has he taught you any tricks?

Bo: Ha! Oh yeah, I can do tricks. But we only get to do tricks when he has guests visiting the White House, and even then he just pays a staffer to follow me around the whole night with a taxpayer-funded iPad loaded with a single PowerPoint presentation that he uses as an improvised teleprompter so he knows what to say when it’s time to show off my tricks. It’s true! Seriously, it’s a PowerPoint he had someone throw together that’s like 10 slides. Each slide is just a blue background with a large word in white text, “Sit,” or “Shake,” or “Rollover,” and so on. So whenever we run into him schmoozing with his guests the staffer will hold the iPad up so the president can read it, and advance the slides while the president reads each word and I perform each trick. For real, it happens every time we have guests. And I literally cannot say no to the tricks, I have zero control when it’s trick time…it’s like I’m trained or something. But what’s more, the last slide in the presentation isn’t a trick at all but some closing joke that really freaks me out! It says, “Thanks Bo, and whatever you read about me eating a dog when I was a boy, it ain’t true! *chuckle and acknowledge guests*” Any idea what that’s all about?

LF [chuckling]: Well, if you haven’t read his book yet, check that out sometime, I think you’ll find your answer.

Bo: Well, I’ll have to download the podcast or something since I can’t read, but I’ll get on that after this interview.

LF: Well this has been very insightful and informative. But I would like to leave the readers on a happier note, and maybe there isn’t one, but is there anything you do like about being “first dog” and living in the White House?

Bo: The girls, I love ‘em! We actually have a lot of fun together. They give me a lot of attention and we play together often. Seriously, were it not for those two sweethearts, I would have surely locked myself in the bathroom with a box of king-size Hershey chocolate bars by now.

Crossposted at TruthInJest

Klobuchar Eager to Return to Washington to Advance Teen Sci-Fi Romance Debate

Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar

Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar

“My main motivation this election cycle is winning the hearts of Minnesota voters so that I may return to the Senate chambers and push the key debate that is dividing this nation: Werewolf versus Vampire,” – Amy Klobuchar on 2012 Senate Race.

September 19, 2012 – Minneapoleft, Minnesota

Incumbent U.S. Senator and teen sci-fi romance aficionado, Amy Klobuchar (dyed-in-the-wool D-MN), revealed her motivation behind her 2012 reelection campaign in a recent press release: furthering the debate of werewolf versus vampire, referring to the ongoing debate of ‘Jacob versus Edward’ from the wildly popular teen sci-fi series, Twilight. The first-term Senator, whose nose pinocchioed during a December 2009 interview with Fox News’ Chris Wallace when she described the Obamacare legislative process as “fairly transparent,” recently issued a press release detailing her inspiration this election cycle. The release noted, in part, “The biggest issue facing American voters today is one of monstrous proportions: Team Jacob or Team Edward. If elected to a second term, I will fight for you to bring this issue to the Senate floor so the American people can hear an honest debate. Who should reign supreme: Jacob, a chiseled, principled, and yummy werewolf, or Edward, a soft-spoken, romantic, and scrumptious vampire?”

The announcement comes as no surprise to the politically-tuned electorate. Klobuchar, who left a career of lawyering to try an even less favorably-perceived career of legislating, was poised to be a key contributor during current Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan’s senate confirmation hearings. However, during the June 30th, 2010 confirmation hearing, which is meant to be a serious inquiry into potential Justice’s qualifications, Klobuchar cornered Kagan asking her to comment on “the famous case of Edward vs. Jacob, or the Vampire vs. the Werewolf.” Kagan, known to colleagues as ‘the Kaganator’ and rumored to have once squashed a neighbor’s trespassing puppy with her bare foot, shot back sharply at Klobuchar with a piercing “I wish you wouldn’t!” before rushing to catch a flight to Los Angeles where she was scheduled to play Kevin James in his self-directed auto-biographical documentary.

Following the vampire versus werewolf inquiry during Kagan’s confirmation hearings, Klobuchar’s inner monster came out again during an October 31st, 2011 interview with MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. Klobuchar explained to Maddow that, “…as you know there are a lot of ghosts and goblins running around Washington, but not a witch on a broom. That was the last election,” further substantiating her fascination with make-believe monsters and taking a personal jab at former U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell of Delaware.

Klobuchar’s press release refers to her exchange with Kagan as “the debate that got away,” and promises voters that “[Klobuchar] will work across the aisle to petition the Supreme Court to hear the case of Werewolf versus Vampire,” emphasizing one of the Senator’s key 2012 campaign themes of bipartisanship. However, despite her oft-touted record of perceived bipartisanship, the “approximately two-thirds [of Klobuchar’s] authored bills that received Republican co-sponsorship” represent a collection of largely negligible, low-priority ‘campaign bills’ (i.e., bills drafted for the main purpose featuring during reelection ads and promotions) that either did nothing to help ease the economic malaise overshadowing the U.S. business climate, or should be left to the states.

Additionally, Klobuchar’s campaign message of ‘working across the aisle,’ which is intended to win over independents, moderate Republicans, and freedom-haters who want a bigger federal government, contradicts her glaringly transparent record of voting lock-step with her big-government, don’t-worry-just-give-us-your-money-and-we’ll-make-all-your-decisions-for-you Democrat party 91% of the time. In fact, Klobuchar proudly cast her vote for Obamacare, which recently cost an announced 300 Minnesotan’s their jobs as Minnesota-based Saint Jude Medical Company reorganized in an attempt to offset the approximately $60 million in new Obamacare taxes set to begin scraping away their margins in 2014 (not to mention the countless other jobs that will be shed as the bill’s event horizon approaches).

Klobuchar also repeatedly voted to increase the debt ceiling (an action that contributed to the historic downgrade of the United States’ public debt by the Standards & Poors rating agency), voted against a Farm Bill amendment that would have limited taxpayer subsidies to only those farmers earning less than $250,000 per year, and voted against the energy-independence-promoting and job-creating Keystone XL Pipeline project. [For a more thorough list of Klobuchar’s dismal record in the senate, The Laissez Faire has compiled a table included at the end of this article highlighting the Senator’s selected legislative actions juxtaposed to the point-in-time U.S. National Debt and Unemployment Rate.]

The 2012 U.S. Senate race in Minnesota will begin intensifying as November nears. Klobuchar, the de facto Washington insider, has in excess of $5 million of cash on hand. Her largest contributions came from lawyers, who make their living helping their clients navigate the labyrinth of regulations imposed by lawmakers, and the anti-baby organization EMILY’s List, which works to promote female candidates who share their vision of allowing individuals to be stripped of their right to life before they can even speak for themselves.

Other notable contributors to Klobuchar’s 2012 campaign fund include American Adhesives, Inc., the leading U.S. manufacturer of the red-colored adhesive tape that has been tangling business owners for generations; the controversial Vamp-PAC, a committee dedicated to electing candidates who favor federal relief to vampires; and FullMoonRisingPAC, a committee dedicated to supporting candidates who share their vision of equal rights for werewolves at home and abroad.

Klobuchar also recently stole endorsements from the typically conservative Minnesota Farm Bureau and two Minnesota business leaders, who have apparently been glamoured by Klobuchar’s supernatural operatives. The trend-breaking Minnesota Farm Bureau endorsement may be explained by Klobuchar’s vote against Senator Rand Paul’s (R-KY) amendment to the 2012 Farm Bill that would have limited taxpayer subsidies to only those farmers earning less than $250,000 per year…that or the endorsing committee was higher than the U.S. debt-to-GDP ratio during the endorsement decision making process.

The two noted business leaders, Bill Hawkins, former CEO of Obamacare victim and medical device giant Medtronic, and Paul Walser, CEO of Minnesota-based Walser Automotive, each have their own reasons to be cheerleading for Klobuchar. Hawkins attributed his praise of the Senator to her recent work to try to reduce a new medical device tax. Yes, the same medical device tax born from the Obamacare legislation that Klobuchar proudly voted for in the first place…Mr. Hawkins must have missed that memo.

Paul Walser’s endorsement is apparently a quid-pro-quo for the ‘personal attention’ Klobuchar gave to the Minnesota dealership group when Walser was appealing then-government owned General Motors Corporation’s decision to terminate a franchise agreement with one of Walser’s dealership locations. Nothing says crony-capitalism like inserting a legislator into the equation of two market participants, especially with the influences the government must have had with the recent taxpayer funded bail out of General Motors Corporation.

Fortunately, Minnesota voters who are not crony-capitalist CEOs, super-rich farmers, or sympathizers with/members of the make-believe monster community have a choice this election cycle. Kurt Bills, an articulate and dapper economics phenom has emerged as the Republican challenger to Klobuchar’s cozy Senate seat. Bills is a first-term state legislator and high school teacher of advanced economics at a public high school in Rosemount, Minnesota, a suburb of the Twin Cities. And contrasting Klobuchar’s philosophy that ‘everything will be better if we just legislate individual decisions from Washington,’ Bills believes that the best people to make decisions for Minnesota citizens are the Minnesota citizens themselves.

Bills offers a stark contrast for Minnesota voters in many other dimensions. Bills is a high school economics teacher and small business owner, and was never a partner with two prominent law firms. Bills believes that the people, not government, create jobs. Bills opposes the job-killing Obamacare legislation, and would never have voted for such government overreach. Bills stands behind his freedom-rooted principles, and is more than just a popular name with a killer hot dish recipe whose vote simply follows the party leadership suggested positions. And lastly, Bills has never discussed teen sci-fi romance during any legislative hearings whatsoever.

Hence, Kurt Bills.

The following list summarizes select bills sponsored by creepy crawly Klobuchar juxtaposed to the U.S. National Debt and Unemployment Rate, revealing her disconnect from the current economic woes facing the United States.
Date Bill Brief Description U.S. National Debt ($) U.S. Unemployment Rate (%)
9/13/2012 S. 3542 (112th): A bill to authorize the Assistant Secretary of Homeland Security (Transportation   Security Administration)… A bill to authorize the   Assistant Secretary of Homeland Security (Transportation Security   Administration) to modify screening requirements for checked baggage arriving   from preclearance airports, and for other purposes.



6/20/2012 S. 3319 (112th): A bill to amend the National Trails System Act to revise the route … Amends the National Trails System Act to revise the route of the North Country National Scenic Trail to be the one contained in the Department of the Interior description “North Country National Scenic Trail, Authorized Route”



12/1/2011 S. 1939 (112th): Broadband  Conduit Deployment Act of 2011 A bill to amend title 23,   United States Code, to direct the Secretary of Transportation to require that broadband conduits be installed as part of certain highway construction   projects, and for other purposes.



11/30/2011 S. 1928 (112th): Stalkers Act of 2011 A bill to provide criminal penalties for stalking.



10/4/2011 S. 1653 (112th):   International Tourism Facilitation Act A bill to make minor   modifications to the procedures relating to the issuance of visas.



3/17/2011 S. 625 (112th): A bill to amend title 23, United States Code, to incorporate regional transportation   planning organizations into statewide transportation planning, and for other purposes. Requires states, at a minimum, to cooperate with affected nonmetropolitan local officials responsible for transportation through regional transportation planning organizations to develop and implement long-range statewide transportation plans and statewide transportation improvement programs, with emphasis on addressing the transportation needs of nonmetropolitan areas of the state.



5/24/2010 S. 3397 (111th): Secure and   Responsible Drug Disposal Act of 2010 A bill to amend the   Controlled Substances Act to provide for take-back disposal of controlled   substances in certain instances, and for other purposes.



3/15/2010 S. 3110 (111th): Broadband Service Consumer Protection Act A bill to improve consumer protection for purchasers of broadband services by requiring consistent use   of broadband service terminology by providers, requiring clear and   conspicuous disclosure to consumers about the actual broadband speed that may   reasonably be expected, and for other purposes.



12/3/2009 S. 2825 (111th): Cell Phone Early Termination Fee, Transparency, and Fairness Act A bill to require cell   phone early termination fees to be pro-rated over the term of a subscriber’s   contract, and for other purposes.



10/28/2009 S. 1988 (111th): A bill to suspend temporarily the duty on certain bamboo vases. Amends the Harmonized   Tariff Schedule of the United States to suspend temporarily the duty on   certain bamboo vases.



9/24/2009 S. 1708 (111th): Student Attendance Success Act of 2009 A bill to establish a grant   program to prevent truancy, and for other purposes.



10/1/2008 S. 3666 (110th): Copper Theft Prevention Act of 2008 A bill to require certain   metal recyclers to keep records of their transactions in order to deter individuals and enterprises engaged in theft and interstate fencing of stolen copper, and for other purposes.



7/31/2007 S. 1905 (110th): Regional Presidential Primary and Caucus Act of 2007 Divides the United States   into four regions of specified states (including the District of Columbia)   for holding presidential primaries/caucuses in each presidential election   year.



7/16/2007 S. 1791 (110th): Biodiesel Education and Expansion Act of 2007 A bill to amend the Farm   Security and Rural Investment Act of 2002 to reauthorize, and increase   funding for, the biodiesel fuel education program.



5/15/2007 S. 1403 (110th):   Farm-to-Fuel Investment Act of 2007 A bill to amend the Farm   Security and Rural Investment Act of 2002 to provide incentives for the   production of bioenergy crops.



5/14/2007 S. 1387 (110th): Federal Greenhouse Gas Registry Act of 2008 States as the purpose of   this Act the establishment of a federal greenhouse gas registry. Requires an   affected facility to submit to the Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), for inclusion in the greenhouse gas registry, periodic reports, including annual and quarterly data. Authorizes the Administrator to bring a civil action against the owner or operator of an   affected facility that fails to comply with the requirements of this Act.   Imposes a civil penalty of not more than $25,000 per day for each violation   of this Act.



* Unemployment data not yet released

Sources for above datapoints:

Legislation and Summaries: http://www.govtrack.us/
U.S. National Debt: http://www.treasurydirect.gov/
Unemployment Rate: http://data.bls.gov/

Crossposted at TruthInJest

MSNBC Now THAT’s Funny

I have finally found a use for MSNBC, entertainment value. On Tuesday Andrea Mitchell tried to defend Barrack Obama’s false ad about Mitt Romney outsourcing jobs. She was talking with Governor John Sununu. Not only did he destroy her argument, he did it while laughing out loud at her. The Romney campaign should use this video as an ad all by itself. I can’t stop watching it.

All Massachusetts People Look Alike to Me

John Kerry recalls why he loathes unscripted campaign events.

When I first read that Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry (D–Noblesse Oblige) had been recruited to play the opponent during practice presidential debates, I considered it an inspired choice.

There is a slight problem with respective ages for the two candidates, but otherwise everything else is perfect. One pretentious, cliché–ridden windbag impersonating another is excellent practice for when the curtain goes up in October.

Nothing inspires confidence like realistic training. It’s good to know our candidate will be ready when the media starts firing probing questions regarding plans to counteract the nationwide contraceptive famine and the long lines of homosexuals crowding emergency rooms after being refused visitation rights.

And to be fair, my first thought was this action combined an impressive sacrifice on John Kerry’s part, on both a personal and professional level, with a sincere attempt to make amends for past mistakes.

I was concerned about how the Massachusetts’ black community would react and if his participation as a debate stand–in would harm the senator’s re–election prospects. But in this instance the end truly justifies the means and the loss of Kerry’s senate seat is a small price to pay if that’s what it takes to elect Mitt Romney as our next president.

But then I discovered Kerry is not portraying Barack Obama in debate rehearsals, he’s portraying Mitt Romney, which means everything is wrong. Nothing propinques like propinquity and both men are from Massachusetts, but choosing Kerry to impersonate Romney is just more evidence of an out of touch Obama campaign.

The two candidate’s personalities could not be more disparate; starting with unscripted moments on the stump. Yes, Mitt tries too hard. He’s a bit awkward. And when he tells a joke Romney acts like he’s reading from a fortune cookie in the original Chinese, but in comparison John Kerry makes Romney look like Jim Carrey.

Who will ever forget “I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty?” A cringe–inducing image that pegged the hokey meter.

In a crowd or on stage Mitt almost looks natural and relaxed. Kerry looks like he’s attending an autopsy. And although the American’s With Disabilities Act has made wheelchair access to political stages much easier, the law has done nothing to ease the passage of Sen. Kerry’s sedan chair as he tries to get closer to the podium. And long walks through the crowd are always a problem, since the senator does not like to be touched.

Mike Huckabee, comparing himself to Romney, once joked, “I want to be a president who reminds you of the guy you work with, not the guy who laid you off.” Kerry reminds me of the guy wearing a cowl who says, “The executioner will see you now.”

Romney is simply a victim of driving while affluent. The MSM likes the Kerry choice because he “is uber–wealthy, like Romney” and both have changed political positions before and during campaigns. As Jack Cafferty said, “One elite, rich, emotionless Massachusetts politician filling in for another.”

But Kerry’s money arrived via his marriage to the uber–rich Teresa Heinz a sort of government–approved program called share–the–wealth matrimony style. While Romney actually earned his.

Kerry’s position changes are viewed as Darwinian in that they “evolved” from a position progressives didn’t like into one they did. Whereas Romney is characterized as flip–flopping on the beach like a mackerel stranded by “global warming” because his positions became more conservative.

Even though the Obama campaign has made a terrible choice, that does not mean the pressure is off the Romney campaign. Their choice of an Obama stand–in is even more fraught with peril. In 2008 the McCain traveling circus could get away with choosing lily–white former Congressman Rob Portman to impersonate Obama, but that was when Barack was still the “post racial” candidate.

Now that he’s “most racial” candidate, choosing a honkie for Hussein is a good way to get Al Sharpton to picket Debate Training Central. It’s got to be a black man and that, through no fault of their own, puts Republicans in a bind.

Cong. Alan West is out because he’s too intense and he obviously believes in what he says. Former Congressman J. C. Watts is out because he’s too genuine.

What we need is a black politician with a certain amount of presence and excellent speaking skills, but at the same time is an indifferent manager with a tenuous grasp of financial matters.

Hmmm. Does anyone know what former RNC Chairman Michael Steele is doing these days?

Unelected, Unaccountable Boards Like Spending Your Money

Dinner wine selections are somewhat limited under the new austerity rules at the Washington Metropolitan Airports Authority.

It’s been a rough few weeks for the Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority that manages airports in the Washington, DC area and coordinates board member travel to luxury destinations.

MWAA is the unelected and unaccountable board former Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine (Obama’s choice to head the Democrat National Committee and current candidate for the US Senate) unilaterally selected to oversee construction of Metrorail to Dulles. The board is really great choice since the its prior transportation empire had consisted solely of a rattle–trap collection of ambidextrous shuttle buses at Dulles Airport that caused departing travelers to add an extra 30 minutes to the time necessary to arrive at the gate and arriving passengers to wonder if they were being taken to a re–education camp.

For Kaine’s handoff to work the board needed a source of revenue, preferably one insulated from voters. Kaine accomplished this by transfering ownership of the Dulles Toll Road to the board. The turnpike was worth nearly $3.52 billion and almost paid off, but Kaine didn’t even get a free E–ZPass transponder in return for his gift.

Once MWAA was the proud owner of a slightly–used toll road the board could use toll revenue to pay for construction of a rail line drivers might never use. All without any messy accusations of tax increases or votes in the legislature.

Plus the board is larded with liberal Democrat appointees from Maryland and DC that outnumber Virginia appointees. So regardless of any Republican cretins that mouth–breathing Virginia voters might send to Richmond, management of the project would be Democrat dominated.

Everyone wins except the taxpayer who wants a more direct voice in how his money is spent.

Kaine’s taxpayer–sponsored legacy was in danger when we last visited the board, because funding for Phase II of rail to Dulles was in doubt. The MWAA was insisting Virginia boost its contribution to $300 million and agree to a mandatory Project Labor Agreement (PLA) that specifies only union contractors — or contractors that agree to pay union wages and observe union rules — may bid on the project.

Board members made the usual justifications for the mandatory PLA: Labor goons won’t picket our homes and tinkle in the shrubbery. Unions will endorse Tim Kaine in the 2012 Senate race. Union PACs will continue to contribute millions to other campaigns to elect Democrats. And, oh yes, we might get around to building a railroad.

But that’s old bad news. The new bad news is all that free taxpayer and toll road money allows the MWAA to be as generous with themselves as they are with unions.

The U.S. Transportation Department’s inspector general has blasted the board for a lack of adequate oversight on how it awards contracts and pays for travel and entertainment. In addition, the report says board member financial disclosure forms are approximately as detailed as those required to obtain a frequent shopper card at Ace Hardware.

My favorite quote from the report refers to an MWAA “culture that is largely unaccustomed to external audits…(and the board is) reluctant to provide access to key documents…”

However, the documents we have are bad enough.

Dennis Martire — the Tim Kaine appointee and labor union vice president who didn’t think it was a conflict of interest to vote for a PLA requiring union labor — also didn’t have a problem spending $9,192.30 of public money for a business–class airplane ticket to attend a conference in Prague.

Dennis also had a good time at an event in Hawaii (notice how these conferences never take place in say, Oklahoma City?) where dinner for board members came to a three–day total of $4,800. The menu included lobster, lamb, veal, crab cakes and seared hide of taxpayer.

Then there was the board dinner at the Ritz–Carlton where two bottles of wine totaled $238.

Fortunately, according to Jack Potter the new MWAA chief executive, there is no cause for alarm. The WaPost quotes him as assuring disgruntled taxpayers those expenses were “very exceptional” and in “no way represent what happens on a day–to–day basis.” We can rest easy knowing Potter now insists board members stick to the house red during catered lunches and the cleaning staff has been instructed not to order extra cheese on late night pizza deliveries.

And as for the $100,000 contract with Jenner & Block, a law firm the wife of board chairman Michael Curto works for, well the Harvard Business Review says word–of–mouth is the most effective form of advertising.

As a result, even the WaPost editorial board has grown disenchanted. It criticizes MWAA for “picking a largely gratuitous fight” over the PLA and urges it to drop the provision.

And I’m happy to report it did. In Wednesday’s meeting the board removed the PLA by an overwhelming vote, so a check for $150 million from Virginia is in the mail.

Now the only remaining hurdle is the Loudoun County Board of Supervisors. If they opt out of phase II, it will delay and might kill the Dulles airport station. Maybe if the MWAA promises the rail line will be opened with a ribbon cutting and not a christening with a $15,000 bottle of Chateau Lafite, Loudoun supervisors will have fewer qualms about voting yes.

Occupy Movement Shouts “May Day!”

Field reporting by Blaine Dabbley, embedded guerrilla journalist in the Occupy movement’s twelfth brigade and sophomore student in Film Studies at Emerson College, writing for the Sentinel Dispatch.

It was a rude awakening Tuesday morning when my roommate Seth put his size eleven boot squarely in my jaw. I lay prone and drooling on my unicorn sleeping blanket, unsuspecting of the tirade that was to come.

Stomping around the dorm and thumping his chest like a gorilla, mad as a silver back finally able to grab a hold of some picture-snapping Japanese tourist, my testosterone-saturated roommate proceeded to frogstomp me into a near coma. He kept rambling on about “Call of Duty 4!” while spouting off certain unsavory sexual terms that shall be left unsaid, since they are part of a hate speech suit I intend to bring. It seems the stupid, closed-minded fool couldn’t realize that I had done him a favor by scratching his disk! The game obviously promoted America’s neo-imperialist wars of aggression, which were still being waged against the poor brown-skinned peoples of the Middle East despite President Obama’s best efforts.

But the worst part was when Seth snatched me up by my freshly glittered bronytail, which I had dyed with impressive streaks of pink and powder blue for the “May Day” rally. I had gotten the idea while cowering in the corner the night before as Seth and his drunken friends vagazzaled his girlfriend Lisa for her birthday. It actually came out quite nice.

In a huff, I grabbed my dufflebag and my trampled pride and hit the road. The open road south reminded me of the potentialities of becoming the next great American writer, perhaps the next Jack Kerouac or even a Matt Taibbi. If my beat coverage of the courageous Occupy Movement could stir the apathetic and ignorant public to save our democracy, I wouldn’t believe my life was a total waste.

Entering the city, the crisp morning air was suddenly roiling with the rusty brown vapors of exhaust. It smelled like war in my mind, as I sat in crawling traffic on the Tappan Zee bridge. I felt invincible cranking up the visceral stylings of the authentic punk rock band Green Day, and I devoured its anti-corporate message.

Finally arriving in lower Manhattan around noon, my Occupy brethren were already there in full force. I could see my friends Janet, Wilson, Mary, and Christopher on the street corner, holding the signs “We are the 99 percent,” “This is What Democracy Looks Like!” and “You Don’t Speak for Us, Corporate Media!” We met near a Java Joe’s near Zuccotti, which was a really bad idea since we were all jonesing for cappuccinos and forgot about the national strike. We decided to strike for an hour as a sign of solidarity and grab a few to go — but no espresso today. This was war.

We struck up a conversation with some homeless people nearby and asked them if they wanted to join the rally. They didn’t seem to like us much, however. When they asked us for some change, we told them that was exactly what we were working for — change. We informed them that under our proposed system, they would never have to beg for money or food again. They scoffed at us and shuffled down the sidewalk. My friends and I weren’t sure what we said wrong.

As we stumbled onto the city street, fully recaffeinated and recharged, the Black Bloc anarchists showed up. They were looking all badass like the shock troop cavalry had just arrived at Thermopylae. They were armed with billy clubs and we were armed with blue tooth headsets. We made a formidable pairing.

The sirens were blaring and the mounted police showed up. And still we pressed on. The anarchists were determined to take down the business establishment and the clash with police loomed like an irresistible force soon to meet an immovable object. They marched like a herd of rhinos, seemingly sharing one mind, over to ransack the coffee shop we had just visited.

This presented a moral dilemma: do we join in out of principle or abstain because we enjoyed our delicious beverages? After a unanimous show of up twinkles, we decided to tag along. Seeking an explanation from the anarchist leadership, I wiggled loose my digital recording equipment and approached with caution.

We picked up our signs and were ready to join the fray when almost immediately skirmishing broke out between Occupy and some tea party rabble that had shown up to harass us. The insolent bastards were throwing diapers and pacifiers at us, yelling some drivel that it was time to grow up. But they didn’t know that we were going to tell our black bloc brethren!

Suddenly, a huge guy with a nose ring and prison tats showed up with a brick, ready to bash the skull in of one redneck ‘tea party mom,’ until a female police officer jumped in his way. He smashed her in the helmet and lunged at the teabaggers, but then a dreaded tazer struck the goliath in the hamstring. After a few zaps and a disgusting odor of smoke, the man was felled like a mighty oak. (For those who would like to contribute to his legal defense fund, please contact me below.)

And then there was silence. The sight of a human toppling like a Jenga set was enough to put the fear into our circle of comrades. We immediately burst out into a rousing chorus of “Kumbaya” as Wilson thumped admirably on his moroccan drums. But the black bloc crew wanted no part of it. They continued on towards the local business establishments, like a giant blob sharing one centralized brain. We were in awe.

I ran into the volatile mix while my friends stood in shock. My second-hand army field jacket rustled in the wind, as I disregarded the tear gas, the piercing sirens, and the police bullhorns and ran up to a brute wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. “Today, what are we fighting for?!” I yelled. Pushing my mic into his face for comment, all I could get at first was “Hmmmph!”

I instructed the man to take off his mask and I asked him again. Just then he ran full steam into the plexiglass window of the store, bouncing off without even cracking it. Meanwhile, several of his comrades found the door and wrested it open from the store manager before he could lock it. The faces of the yuppies sipping their coffees as the black bloc army sought to smash this vestige of the capitalist system was truly priceless.

But before the brigade could bring this heartless expression of our cruel system to its knees, the agents of the one percent showed up to crush our grand aspirations. It was us against them. Occupy against the world. Compassion against the capitalist system. And as the raid came down upon us with full force, the pigs tying our hands behind our backs, we swore that this would not be the last they had seen from us. We will never die out. We can never be silenced.

This is what was rushing through my mind when I detected the faint sound of people laughing overhead. Lifting my chin to look up at an assembly of gawkers, it appeared several policemen had gathered around me. They were just standing there, sipping coffee, munching on donuts. Were they laughing at me?

After they snapped a few pictures with their digital cameras, cluelessly mocking my super-trendy hairstyle without any appreciation of its deeper cultural significance, they untied me and let me go. But not before one of them planted a boot in my ass, with a hearty gusto not even my roommate Seth could match.

Occupy will have its revenge. Oh yes, we will have our revenge. You can bet on it.

Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.

Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and OwntheNarrative, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.

Is this house big enough to hold my ego?

The Palace of Versailles remains a magnet for the pretentious.

Even a property–rights conservative must admit it’s always an ominous sign when a prospective neighbor decides to give his soon–to–be–constructed house a name. There’s nothing that screams “Arriviste!” like a billboard in the front yard trumpeting the fact that your new home is so large it merits a title and will be petitioning for a Zip Code.

So it came as something of a shock to unsuspecting neighbors in the Hidden Springs community of Great Falls when Mrs. Young Yi installed a sign announcing construction of “Le Chateau De Lumiere,” when their own homes had been anonymous lo these many years.

I must confess we’ve privately called our modest shelter the “Fisher–Price House” because the siding was once bright yellow with equally arresting blue shutters. But we didn’t hang banners off the eaves announcing the fact or stock the front yard with random infants.

I believe the title of Mrs. Yi’s abode means “mansion of light” much like a bullfighter’s garish getup is called the “suit of lights.” But what the name lacks in modesty is more than compensated for by its addition of “diversity” to the blandly wealthy neighborhood.

According to the Washington Post, the 25,425 sq. foot behemoth is modeled on Louis XIV’s Palace of Versailles. This asteroid, is ten times larger than the average square footage of a house built these days for lesser mortals. And it’s almost twice the size of the Virginia governor’s mansion, which comes in at a paltry 14,000 sq. ft.

Mrs. Yi’s plans call for European landscaping and, much like an airport runway, the manse will also boast a lavish underground lighting system, hence the “Lumiere.” She will also enjoy a pool, pool house, wine cellar, exercise room, billiard room, sauna, card room, rec room, gallery and a theater with a “concession space,” which may be how she plans to offset the mortgage payment. No word as yet on valet parking.

There’s something about Versailles that’s a magnet for pretension. Back in 2000 Michael Saylor, who was briefly a dot.com billionaire, unsuccessfully planned to build a mega–edifice in Great Falls also modeled on Versailles. His was to have a football field, although if he was really serious about the Versailles connection it should have been a soccer pitch.

Continuing to mix architectural metaphors Saylor declared, “I want it to be like the White House.” Saylorville was projected to cost as much as $50 million and he described it as, “part house, part embassy, part ceremonial” and all hey–look–at–me!

It’s somewhat ironic the house causing restless nights for the neighbors is being built by the owner of 1st Class Sleep Diagnostics Center, a chain with six locations in Virginia that treats apnea, snoring, insomnia and obsessing about construction plans.

The NIMBYs, I mean neighbors, are using time–worn objections that have been employed to prevent construction of everything from bike paths to nuclear reactors: It’s an eyesore, it’s too big, trees will die, it interferes with my view, it will lower property values(!) and it makes my house look small.

It’s difficult to muster much sympathy for either side. On one hand you have the $25 million Case de Ostentation where a functioning GPS is required to find the bathroom and on the other you have people who, in the priceless words of reporter Justin Jouvenal, “deliver their own trash to dumpsters at a local school, rather than have a noisy trash truck rumble down the main road.”

More likely Mr. and Mrs. Fastidious order their undocumented landscape interns to dump the trash, which in addition to eliminating rumbly trash trucks also eliminates the need to pay for garbage disposal since taxpayers pick up the tab.

The wealthy are always appalled when reality refuses to accommodate their whims. Social disapproval does not appear to be working, so lawyers have been hired. The lawsuit leans heavily on deed covenants that were put in place to keep the lots large and woody. Unfortunately, for neighbors seeking to occupy the moral high ground (while leaving the trees undisturbed), deed covenants or restrictions have been used in the past to keep Jews from buying property and blacks from moving into a neighborhood.

The suit also contains vague charges regarding the loss of the “sylvan character” of the neighborhood and the megalith’s failure to demonstrate “conservative” aesthetics.

But mostly the controversy again proves the enduring truth of Dennis Miller’s observation that “a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods, while an environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.”

Next stop: The white elephant’s graveyard

Construction nears completion on Phase I of the Dulles rail project

Virginia just avoided a state–sized version of the popular “government shutdown” crisis. Democrats had twice defeated the budget in Senate votes and it looked like the usual hostages — children, teachers, social workers, grief counselors, underwater mortgage holders, illegals, addicts, the lame, the halt and the blind — were going to be bussed in to Richmond and threatened with self–sufficiency until stingy Republicans came up with a few more billions.

Then it all went away, like an Obama campaign promise, when a single Democrat senatorbroke ranks and voted ‘yes.’ (So far there are no media reports that praise him for “growing in office.”)

The ostensible reason for the “shutdown” crisis was the potential demise of Phase II of the planned $6 billion railroad to Dulles Airport that would connect with the existing Washington Metro.

There’s something about spending billions on 19thCentury transportation solutions that liberals find irresistible. Frankly, I’m fearful that one of our local politicians, famous for his support of a commuter ferry on the Potomac, will learn the steamboat has been invented.

Senate Democrats claimed Dulles rail was threatened by Republican’s refusal to pony up an additional $300 million to subsidize drivers on the Dulles Airport Toll Road, which voters were promised would cover 75 percent of the construction cost of the Silver Line.

This is classic Democrat economics: Use money raised by selling long–term bonds to subsidize a recurring expense. Talk about your fiscal treadmill. Without subsidizing tolls, railroaders fear the cost will be so high that drivers will use nearby free roads. Effectively converting the toll lanes into a long, narrow asphalt preserve for Northern Virginia’s growing deer population and Obama’s golfing motorcades.

In the absence of taxpayer–funded bond money, the cost of a roundtrip toll next year will range between $4.50 and $9.00. By 2018 it is projected to be $13.50. And just thinking about using the toll road will deduct $2.00 from your E–Zpass account.

Naturally this is what you get when a Democrat governor goes legacy shopping. FormerGov. Tim Kaine (D–Flomax) concluded that closing all the rest stops in Virginia might get him in the history books, but not in the way he preferred. Instead, like Ezekiel in the Valley of Dry Bones, Kaine took a moribund plan for a railroad to Dulles and breathed life into it by turning the project over to the Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority (MWAA); an inspired choice for a multi–year, multi–billion–dollar operation.

Board appointees made by liberals in D.C. and Maryland vastly outnumber Virginia appointees. Consequently the carpetbaggers are more than happy to spend Virginia dollars for which they will never be held accountable.

While Dulles rail is sold to taxpayers as a mass transit project, the airport board uses it to reward cronies and amass chits for the next election (see: Government Motors bailout). This was done by tying construction contractors and sub–contractors to what is called a “project labor agreement” (PLA).

This means that during Phase I of the project all contractors and subcontractors “voluntarily” agreed to pay union wages, hire union workers and follow union work rules, in spite of the fact Virginia is a right to work state where union membership cannot be required as a condition of employment.

So Kaine gets his legacy project and unions — that supply free labor and millions of dollars in campaign contributions to Democrat candidates — don’t have to worry about bid competition from non–union firms.

One administration later, what’s “voluntary” under Democrat Kaine must be mandatory under Republican Bob McDonnell. So for Phase II the airport authority votes to require mandatory PLA compliance before bidding. And it just so happens that one of the board members voting ‘yes’ was Dennis Martire who is also Vice President of the Laborers’ International Union.

When you consider that in 1978 the Laborer’s union was termed “completely dominated…[by] organized crime” in a Dept. of Justice report and as recently as 2011 the mob still had links, it’s not surprising that Martire did not believe he had a conflict of interest when he voted ‘yes.’

Since only 4 percent of Virginia construction workers are unionized, the bulk of the Phase II hires would be residents of Maryland and DC, which is just fine with MWAA members, since it will improve their chances for carpooling to board meetings.

Taxpayers will be hit for an estimated $350 million to $750 million in increased costs that a PLA imposes on a project. Del. Bob Marshall (R–13th) recognizing the threat, introduced legislation prohibiting state money from being spent on any project requiring a PLA.

In response the board removed the requirement for a PLA, but in turn said it would rank contractors “voluntarily” agreeing to a PLA higher than those contractors that did not — a distinction without a difference.

The board believes it can get away with this obstinacy because the project is half complete and if the second phase founders the GOP–controlled General Assembly will be blamed. While the truth is the project was brought to the brink by a board that puts more emphasis on political payoffs than it does on completing a mass transit project.

Now that no additional funding will be forthcoming from the state, the financing package for Phase II of the Silver Line may well fall apart. But if that happens it won’t be because Republicans refused to pay a union–inspired ransom. The death certificate will read the project died of self–inflicted wounds.

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