President Obama Announces “The Awesome Deal!” to Save Failing Re-Election Bid
President Obama hosted a bizarre evening press conference on the White House lawn. The bright lights of the Washington D.C. backdrop was slightly surreal: ferris wheels, flashing colors, cotton candy and merry-go-round ponies whirring in dizzying circles. Dressed in a rainbow-hue pin-striped suit and blue ribbon straw hat sporting the Obama symbol, the president looked more like a Vaudeville character from the 1930s than the leader of the free world.
“Come one, come all!” yelled the president. “Step right up! What we’ve got here is a major announcement… yessiree, a major announcement. Come one, come all, ladies and gentlemen!”
Obama whirled onto the stage like a genie. The press corps and other lookers-on shuffled up to the illuminated stage like an eager herd. Two beaming stage lights clicked on and shown down directly on the dandily dressed president. The charming man subsequently tipped his hat, straightened his red bow tie, and produced a three foot tap-dancing cane. The faint smell of funnel cakes and smoke shot up the nostrils.
“What we’ve got here is Trouble in these magnificent United States of America, and I tell you, I tell you all that I’ve come up with a pro-po-sal,” the president said in a strange cadence and sing-songy voice. “What we need here is some kind of plan. Some kind of action. A stim-u-lus if you please.”
The mesmerized crowd exhaled in unison. It oohed and awed in synchronized anticipation. A black cat scurried across the stage.
“Only this time, only this time I say, it’s got to be,” the president slapped his hands together like a thunder clap, “BIG. Something really big,” the president extended his arms from wingtip to wingtip, “Or this country will continue to be mired in the doldrums of debt and the gentrification of greed!”
No one was quite sure what this foppish figure was pontificating about. But the crowd was sure that it liked it.
“What went wrong with the previous stimulus,” the colorful man spoke in a hushed tone and paused dramatically for effect. He whipped out a three-legged stool from behind his back, and swung it beside him. Smiling a dashing smile, he sat down gingerly, and tipped up his straw cap.”Is that it was too darn… impersonal.”
The masses were riveted. Here was a man who understood their plight. How hard it was to find work. How grueling it was to raise their kids. They were all ears.
“Forget banks, Forget mortgages. IRAs and 401ks. I’m talking filet mignon. Ipods. Macbook pros. Cadillac Escalades,” the president said and licked his lips. “THX surround sound. Chocolate truffles every day for life. Summer homes on the beach. Get the idea? It’s all on the table.”
Everybody was shocked. A little girl in a yellow sundress licking a swirly lollipop poked her mother’s thigh. The mother gave her the shush signal and returned to listening to the president.
“Yall are looking at me, like, I’ve got lobsters hanging out my ears,” Obama said with a wide grin. “You’re thinking, ‘why Obama’ you’re only doing this because of all those make-believe polls saying you’re trailing to some hayseed from Pennsylvania or a corporate stock-jobber from Massachusetts.’ Now, I’ve consulted with my closest advisers and they confirm that this is all economically viable. Hell, yall are all on the hook for a hundred grand a piece as it is, might as well go for broke.”
A dreadful silence fell over the crowd, like the shadow of a cloud passing before the sun. At first faintly, and then rising to a clamor, the crowd expressed its exuberant approval. Cheers erupted. Hats and candy sticks and ice cream cones went flying into the air. Man grabbed women and threw them in a wild embrace like they were getting ready to dance the jitterbug.
“Alright, alright now,” the president laughed, and wiped his glistening forehead with a red rag. “Settle down now. Yall don’t even know the name of this proposal yet. Now, FDR had his ‘New Deal,’ Teddy had his ‘Square Deal,’ and Give ’em Hell Harry had his ‘Fair Deal.’ But I think ole BHO here has got them all topped topped. Whatayall think?”
The crowd roared in gleeful agreement.
“That’s why this isn’t the New Deal or the Big Deal… this is the Awesome Deal! And it only comes around once in a lifetime, so I suggest yall cash in on it now while you still can.”
An other chorus of hoorahs.
“Marxy only had it half-right. Not from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. From each according to his ambitions, to each according to his desires. So if yall desire all the goodies I just offered you, you’ll see it that I’m you’re next president. Right?”
The people erupted in cheers and mobbed the stage, carrying him out over their heads. Obama waved the secret service off as the horns of Hail to the Chief blared from the band. Here was truly a man of the people.
The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.
Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and BeatObamaPac, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.