The New Right Declares “War on Morons”

By Dr. Christopher Flappitydo, Director of the Institute for Diversity & Tolerance & Multiculturalism & Compassion & Inclusiveness, as originally published in the New England Agitator.

America is facing an epidemic. The GOP’s shock troops on the New Right have launched into a bigoted “war on morons” — a right-wing crusade that threatens the very existence of the Democrat Party. If something isn’t done to halt the proliferation of alternative information sources in this country, the progress of statism, economic insolvency, and the idiocy that drives them both could be reversed once and for all.

For decades now, the Democrat Party has rested easy knowing that government-run schools were turning our nation’s children into morons. The young and undereducated have become our most reliable voting bloc. The leftwing corporate media have been all-too-willing to reinforce their selective stupidity through half-assed reportage. This successful program has always portrayed Democrats in the best possible light, while demonizing conservatives and Republicans as heartless villains out to impose some vague form of neo-fascism on the poor, helpless masses.

Well, that’s what the right-wing bastards want. That’s not the point.

This cozy arrangement’s worked beautifully for us over generations, where those who want to expand government are eulogized, while those who want to reign it in are blasted as racists, sexists, homophobes — whatever nasty names spring to mind.

We compassionate liberals wouldn’t want anything as silly as facts and rational discourse to get in the way of government bailouts, handouts, and tax credits for too-big-to-fail businesses or welfare paradise for the underclass. But apparently this new-fangled “Internet” threatens to level the playing field by letting conservatives challenge us in the public forum. And to be honest, we can’t tolerate that.

Recently, whenever the echo chamber media repeat our intentionally stupid talking points, these New Right bastards are there to expose us and make us look ridiculous! Conservatives are flash-mobbing websites with their annoying talking points and an insistence on “truth” and “fairness.” Well, frick, we allow them am radio and a cable television station for dissent! What more could these sing-heiling Nazis possibly want?

Once upon a time in this country, we statists could have a nice little “War on Poverty,” a “War on Drugs,” or a never-ending “War on Terror,” and there wasn’t much hullabaloo about it (unless one of those nasty Republicans happened to be in office). But one recent fiasco displays that we are growing more impotent by the day. After we sent up one of our thirty-year old political operatives to stick taxpayers with the bill for universal sexual accessories, there seemed to be a media firestorm playing right into our hands. Media Matters was ready for months in advance with a “War on Women” campaign tailor-made to permanently silence right-wing radio blowhard Rush Limbaugh. But far from accomplishing our mission to “hush Rush,” we spiked his ratings.

We doubled down on failure when we claimed the GOP initiated the”War on Women,” which centered on its evil plans to deprive teen girls of an endless supply of condoms, douches, and abortifacients. On top of that, one of our DNC mouthpieces dropped the ball and called out MS-stricken cancer survivor Ann Romney as a stay-at-home mommy who “never worked a day in her life“! The right-wing went nuts with an outrageous “War on Moms” meme that outraged our moronic constituency with the notion that maybe there was some hypocrisy in the Democrat Party. Perish the thought that some of them might wake up and realize we leftist intellectuals are using them!

Even worse, after the Obama re-election team (including national mommy Michelle) threw Hilary Rosen under the bus and backed up a few times, state-approved sycophant Bill Maher was still laying into Ann Romney, jeopardizing our dear leader’s edge among women. Talk about morons! Here we have a New Right determined to expose our paid pipers, and Maher keeps making over-the-top attacks on women that prove the right’s point that the “War on Women” was merely a charade all along.

In order to combat the nefarious scourge of contradictory information, the Obama campaign rightly took a page out of the East German playbook and set up websites where neighbors, family, and friends could snitch on one another for unfriendly political agitation. First, there was FLAG, where we encouraged morons to rat each other out for saying anything untoward about our president’s wonderful Obamacare plan. But little did we know that smart-asses on the New Right would send a flurry of responses like, “Saw a grandma complain about $500 billion being slashed from Medicare at the Rite Aid on 25th and Main St.” And so forth. We had to shut it down.

The most infamous of the snitch sites, however, was Attack Watch. Set up with the noble intention of allowing citizens to notify authorities whenever anyone would dare denigrate dear leader, it was promptly ridiculed by the hooligans at Misfit Politics and mocked mercilessly on the Twitter hash #attackwatch. One author even had the temerity to parody it with a ridiculous blog article “Snack Watch.” He has been duly reported to DHS’ absurdity division.

But whence we once thought Attack Watch was an anomaly, it appears the snow (or more appropriately, the Scheiss) is starting to roll downhill. The Truth Team was supposed to pick up the torch for the fallen Attack Watch, but was subsequently blasted by the New Media.

We even devised an innocuous Twitter meme #whatsromneyhiding, but this hash was soon taken over by the right with sarcastic posts of birth certificates, selective services records, and college transcripts. Just the other night, the rightblogger fools had the nerve to make an #ObamaBookTitles hash, where they posted nasty, racist titles like “Fear and Loathing n’ Lost Wages” and “Lord of the Lies.” The only thing our moronic banner wavers could do was make up even more racist titles and futilely decry conservatives for blaming everything on Obama.

This is where our agenda to dumb down Americans through government-financed and union-run schools in order to keep people forever voting Democrat sets us up to fail. Ignorance, idiocy, and faux-educated lunacy don’t play too well in New Media for very long. Indeed, a recent study shows that conservatives understand liberal positions much better than vice versa, leading to endless hilarity for the other side and a possible refutation of the meme that right-wingers are closed-minded authoritarian types. Needless to say, some of our most fidelious morons have been exposed to the uncomfortable recognition of their cognitive dissonance and PTSD counselors have been rushed in to maintain the integrity of their worldviews.

While once the New Right appeared bashful to speak up, due to our ubiquitous environ of political correctness, they currently seem more than willing to push back on Facebook and Twitter, and there are signs that the left’s hegemony over the culture is crumbling. Old Media are dying. People are turning more to the Internet for news and information, meaning citizens may be exposed to undesirable sources like Breitbart.com, Drudge Report, and Conservative Daily News. They can fact check our propaganda (and not always at state-approved sources like FactCheck.org and Politifact!).

If this insane drive on the right to brainwash people keeps up, we will be in danger of losing the vital moron constituency that keeps us in business. This distasteful situation could prove disastrous for our ability to game the political system for the benefit of our cronies. We have been running an Old Media propaganda model in a New Media world, and it might be necessary to impose some… standards of decency and “fair speech” to prevent some of our most vulnerable morons from leaving the big government Democrat fold.

After all, an informed moron is a dangerous moron.

Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.

Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and OwntheNarrative, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.