Home >> Humor/Satire >> The New Right Declares “War on Morons”

The New Right Declares “War on Morons”

By Dr. Christopher Flappitydo, Director of the Institute for Diversity & Tolerance & Multiculturalism & Compassion & Inclusiveness, as originally published in the New England Agitator.

America is facing an epidemic. The GOP’s shock troops on the New Right have launched into a bigoted “war on morons” — a right-wing crusade that threatens the very existence of the Democrat Party. If something isn’t done to halt the proliferation of alternative information sources in this country, the progress of statism, economic insolvency, and the idiocy that drives them both could be reversed once and for all.

For decades now, the Democrat Party has rested easy knowing that government-run schools were turning our nation’s children into morons. The young and undereducated have become our most reliable voting bloc. The leftwing corporate media have been all-too-willing to reinforce their selective stupidity through half-assed reportage. This successful program has always portrayed Democrats in the best possible light, while demonizing conservatives and Republicans as heartless villains out to impose some vague form of neo-fascism on the poor, helpless masses.

Well, that’s what the right-wing bastards want. That’s not the point.

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This cozy arrangement’s worked beautifully for us over generations, where those who want to expand government are eulogized, while those who want to reign it in are blasted as racists, sexists, homophobes — whatever nasty names spring to mind.

We compassionate liberals wouldn’t want anything as silly as facts and rational discourse to get in the way of government bailouts, handouts, and tax credits for too-big-to-fail businesses or welfare paradise for the underclass. But apparently this new-fangled “Internet” threatens to level the playing field by letting conservatives challenge us in the public forum. And to be honest, we can’t tolerate that.

Recently, whenever the echo chamber media repeat our intentionally stupid talking points, these New Right bastards are there to expose us and make us look ridiculous! Conservatives are flash-mobbing websites with their annoying talking points and an insistence on “truth” and “fairness.” Well, frick, we allow them am radio and a cable television station for dissent! What more could these sing-heiling Nazis possibly want?

Once upon a time in this country, we statists could have a nice little “War on Poverty,” a “War on Drugs,” or a never-endingWar on Terror,” and there wasn’t much hullabaloo about it (unless one of those nasty Republicans happened to be in office). But one recent fiasco displays that we are growing more impotent by the day. After we sent up one of our thirty-year old political operatives to stick taxpayers with the bill for universal sexual accessories, there seemed to be a media firestorm playing right into our hands. Media Matters was ready for months in advance with a “War on Women” campaign tailor-made to permanently silence right-wing radio blowhard Rush Limbaugh. But far from accomplishing our mission to “hush Rush,” we spiked his ratings.

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We doubled down on failure when we claimed the GOP initiated the”War on Women,” which centered on its evil plans to deprive teen girls of an endless supply of condoms, douches, and abortifacients. On top of that, one of our DNC mouthpieces dropped the ball and called out MS-stricken cancer survivor Ann Romney as a stay-at-home mommy who “never worked a day in her life“! The right-wing went nuts with an outrageous “War on Moms” meme that outraged our moronic constituency with the notion that maybe there was some hypocrisy in the Democrat Party. Perish the thought that some of them might wake up and realize we leftist intellectuals are using them!

Even worse, after the Obama re-election team (including national mommy Michelle) threw Hilary Rosen under the bus and backed up a few times, state-approved sycophant Bill Maher was still laying into Ann Romney, jeopardizing our dear leader’s edge among women. Talk about morons! Here we have a New Right determined to expose our paid pipers, and Maher keeps making over-the-top attacks on women that prove the right’s point that the “War on Women” was merely a charade all along.

In order to combat the nefarious scourge of contradictory information, the Obama campaign rightly took a page out of the East German playbook and set up websites where neighbors, family, and friends could snitch on one another for unfriendly political agitation. First, there was FLAG, where we encouraged morons to rat each other out for saying anything untoward about our president’s wonderful Obamacare plan. But little did we know that smart-asses on the New Right would send a flurry of responses like, “Saw a grandma complain about $500 billion being slashed from Medicare at the Rite Aid on 25th and Main St.” And so forth. We had to shut it down.

The most infamous of the snitch sites, however, was Attack Watch. Set up with the noble intention of allowing citizens to notify authorities whenever anyone would dare denigrate dear leader, it was promptly ridiculed by the hooligans at Misfit Politics and mocked mercilessly on the Twitter hash #attackwatch. One author even had the temerity to parody it with a ridiculous blog article “Snack Watch.” He has been duly reported to DHS’ absurdity division.

But whence we once thought Attack Watch was an anomaly, it appears the snow (or more appropriately, the Scheiss) is starting to roll downhill. The Truth Team was supposed to pick up the torch for the fallen Attack Watch, but was subsequently blasted by the New Media.

We even devised an innocuous Twitter meme #whatsromneyhiding, but this hash was soon taken over by the right with sarcastic posts of birth certificates, selective services records, and college transcripts. Just the other night, the rightblogger fools had the nerve to make an #ObamaBookTitles hash, where they posted nasty, racist titles like “Fear and Loathing n’ Lost Wages” and “Lord of the Lies.” The only thing our moronic banner wavers could do was make up even more racist titles and futilely decry conservatives for blaming everything on Obama.

This is where our agenda to dumb down Americans through government-financed and union-run schools in order to keep people forever voting Democrat sets us up to fail. Ignorance, idiocy, and faux-educated lunacy don’t play too well in New Media for very long. Indeed, a recent study shows that conservatives understand liberal positions much better than vice versa, leading to endless hilarity for the other side and a possible refutation of the meme that right-wingers are closed-minded authoritarian types. Needless to say, some of our most fidelious morons have been exposed to the uncomfortable recognition of their cognitive dissonance and PTSD counselors have been rushed in to maintain the integrity of their worldviews.

While once the New Right appeared bashful to speak up, due to our ubiquitous environ of political correctness, they currently seem more than willing to push back on Facebook and Twitter, and there are signs that the left’s hegemony over the culture is crumbling. Old Media are dying. People are turning more to the Internet for news and information, meaning citizens may be exposed to undesirable sources like Breitbart.com, Drudge Report, and Conservative Daily News. They can fact check our propaganda (and not always at state-approved sources like FactCheck.org and Politifact!).

If this insane drive on the right to brainwash people keeps up, we will be in danger of losing the vital moron constituency that keeps us in business. This distasteful situation could prove disastrous for our ability to game the political system for the benefit of our cronies. We have been running an Old Media propaganda model in a New Media world, and it might be necessary to impose some… standards of decency and “fair speech” to prevent some of our most vulnerable morons from leaving the big government Democrat fold.

After all, an informed moron is a dangerous moron.

Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.

Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and OwntheNarrative, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.

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16 comments

  1. “Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.”

    Absolutely. For one thing, Dr. Christopher Flappitydo is now a consultant for the Obama 2012 campaign.

  2. Will Rogers once said, “I remember when ‘liberal’ meant being generous with your OWN money.”

    I remember when ‘liberals’ (i.e., tax-happy, coercion-addicted State-shtuppers) were the smart kids on campus.

    Guess they did too many drugs in the Sixties and Seventies, then begat moron kids.

  3. Quite telling that the author felt it necessary to explicitly state that this is satire… he obviously thinks his readership was not capable of picking up on this nuance without some aid. Conservative comedy FAIL.

    • No, it’s so lefties who are a little, shall we say, “slow,” don’t republish the piece without any awareness that it is satire. There is also the problem of left-wing deceit where hacktivists publish pieces like these without the intellectual honesty to call them satire. Sorry, the insult is directed all the left’s way. What people choose to do with that insult is their choice. But I can tell you it is ultimately meant to be constructive.

  4. You make me proud. Even got an angry, incoherent screed in reply.

  5. Enjoyed this tremendously! Thank you.

  6. AWESOME !!!!!!!!
    Excellent Kyle . . . you said it ALL.
    Anyone with half a brain could figure out how bad the Democrats and their liberal party is for this great country.
    Thanks! for your time posting this excellent article.

  7. this is the most assine piece of crap i have ever read. i really hope no one paid him for this piece. right wingers are stepping over their own feet everyday. lies, bull shit propoganda is being absorbed by ignorant right wingers. hoping to end races of others by lack of education, that is effective, creating a welfare environment to mask the fact that they want all of the jobs because the y feel no one else is entitled to them except white america. c omplain about the poor and helpless creating a class warfare that has long existed if you have all the jobs you don’t need any help a vicious circle that you have complained about, we know what you are doing and obama is trying to put a stop to it. Morons wake up, we are not morons you are the true moron. you are not informed, you a telling your own lies hoping that you recruit the rest of the ring wing morons that do not have your vote. playing on ignorant who lack education that are thriving in trailer parks across america and the mid-west. yes gun toting dangerous peole with automatic weapons and the right to stand their ground. yes it’s seems like a good idea, but look at the facts people are just killing people because they can. i would like to defend my self against an attacker, and if you you attack rob steal from someone you deserve to die unless you are looking for food, even in the old days if you stole for food you were not punished. but take off those peole from snap food stamp programs let them try to get the jos you won’t let them have and see if crime soars, poverty and the american dream deminishes. You idiotseven want to get rid of charitable contributions, who feeds the poor , churches, homeless agencies, etc. from donations of wealthy individuals, yeah cut that morons, get rid of the mortage tax deduction. you think the foreclosure rates are high now people are using that money to pay for taxes and a few mortgage payments, yes end entitlements od and sick americans are not deserving of anything, this is the greatest country in the world and we don’t want to take care of our old nd infirmed. you have have habit of sticking grandma in a nursing home until she dies of bed sores, and loneliness. you unempathic, selfish, morons. we all get old fools. wake up and smell the joe. you may have your mortgage paid and some money socked away, but don’t get sick your insurance will drop you and your will be on your way to bankruptcy if you can afford it. don’t look for an entitlement because you are undeserving of it. your rhetoric disgusts me and i keep abreast of your actions to hope to get through to one moron to hopefully make the world a better place one less idiot in america is kudos for us all. your boy mitt is a perfect example of a moron, wealthy, no sense of humour, his wife is just as bad a story about her dog god the runs from eating turkey off the countertop, romeny traveling with his dog on the roof craping all over the windows, he is a guy i want holding the football? morons, morons when will you learn. Kenedy, roosevelt knew the needs of the working class, this guy is elite, swiss bank accounts, off shore accounts, does’nt know if he has 150 or 220 million dollars i would like to not or care where 70 million dollars is and want to drive off my elevator into my spawling home. this home is a concession prize. he know he does not have a snow balls chance in hell of winning but he got the fame and respect he wanted all of his goofy life. if you want to be an expert moron just watch this guy and learn. newt populating the
    moon with morons, yes spread stupidy in space as well. the best guy you had was huntsman, paul a nut, bachmann worst than palin. Palin / Bachman you can’t make this stuff up. idiots pay palin millions. pretty face idiot. cans you see her trying to negotiate with North Korea, china, we will be over run with asians they will kick our butts. everything will be in asian and the national food will be dim sum. we will bow to our leader in no time flat. and i don’t want to say what else we will be doing while bent over. you morons are killing us. we are the laughing stock of any intelligent person in other countries. we impeach a president for sex, we want the rich 1% to control the masses. revolution and constant uprisings occpy wall street people will be a joy to what may be coming and wake up you are a minority in the country 2030 you will be out numbered by people of other groups, it will be sooner with the end of planned parenthood, birth control you think you will save a few of your kind but in actually the math does not add up nor does the rational that cut them off and they wil buy their own birth control, yes create more criminals, deliquents, and poor. I did not you were your own grave digger? Morons

    • Thank you for making the articles point.

    • “Assine?” You might want to stick with smaller words. It appears that 7-letter behemoths like ‘asinine’ are beyond your capabilities. On the other hand, your screed could be cut-and-pasted into an online dictionary as an example of the definition of asinine…

    • How nice. The “Voice” of the morons has spoken and validated every point made by the article and without concern for literacy to boot.

  8. Bravo! That was fun! Shared on Facebook, and am definitely going to email about.

  9. shirley jean dobler

    This article is great. I LOVE it. Genius:-) thank you for writing it.

  10. Excellent article. On second thought “excellent” is too weak a word. “Superb” is more appropriate.

    I will be passing this article around.

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