President Obama Declares War on Eastasia
“We’ve always been at war with Eastasia,” President Obama stammered during his prime-time address, dashing away a bead of sweat from his brow. “I don’t see why everyone’s getting so wee-weed up.”
Such began Obama’s defense of his wartime record before a hostile townhall forum packed with far-left groups congregated to mark Compassion Week. The crowd was largely comprised of staunch supporters of his 2008 campaign and included anti-war groups highly critical of the prior administration’s belligerent policies. Unexpected shouts of “no more war!” had left the president frazzled.
President Obama has come under fire recently by left-wing extremists for his continuation of extraordinary rendition, indefinite prisoner detainment, domestic surveillance, punishment of whistleblowers, failure to end wars on the promised timeline, and leading the country into several undeclared wars against foreign nations. Critics bellowed that the president failed to live up to his campaign promise to provide hope and change to a desperate people after the departure of the bloodthirsty, tyrannical warmonger Bush. Some fringe leftists even claimed that the president was actually worse in some ways than his despised predecessor by signing on to a bill that could apply indefinite detention to Americans. The president had even targeted a citizen for assassination.
“Mike Thomas, Code Pinko,”said a man in a Death of a President movie T-shirt, who stood up while grasping a microphone. “Could you explain to us what it was like winning the Nobel Peace Prize?” he asked and began breathing heavily into the mic. “It must have been really exciting.”
“Thank you… Mike, is it?” the president clarified, flashing a toothy grin. “It was definitely exciting. And it was my honor to carry on the legacy of former Nobel Peace Prize winners, like Mikhail Gorbachev and Yasser Arafat.”
The crowd reacted to the president’s response with tepid applause.
“Rebecca Weston, Moveover.org,” a bespectacled girl of slightly older than college age rose to address the president. “Can you tell us what prompted you to unilaterally disarm up to 80% of our nuclear weapons stockpile? And do you think this good faith effort will lead other nations to give up nuclear arms altogether?”
“Yes, Rebecca, I definitely think a day will come when nuclear weapons will become a thing of the past, an ugly relic of a bygone age,” the president declared boldly as he moved to the front of the stage. “And it is my inclination to believe our good friends Russia, China, and hopefully someday, Iran, will do the same.”
Scattered applause arose in the back of the auditorium, stirring the people to life. Murmurs could be heard cascading across the audience.
“Jill Brookings, Q.U.E.S.T.I.O.N. War,” an attractive lady in a turtleneck sweater announced herself. “Do you think we’ll see the end of war itself in our lifetimes?”
“I believe so, Jill, I believe so,” Obama spoke gently, while looking slightly upward at the rafters. “But getting there will take tremendous courage and sacrifice. That is why I decided to wage war against Eastasia. So that we may have peace.”
And with that the auditorium lit up in raucous applause, many participants folding up their anti-war protest signs and placing them under their chairs.
“Let me say for the record that I am passionately anti-war and that under a future Obama administration, you can look forward to the wars overseas being brought to a close. The Arab Spring is a blossoming democratic movement now sweeping over Eurasia, leading to the promise of peace and the hope of a new dawn. We are moving in the direction of a bright, wondrous age where our children no longer have to live with the fear of nuclear annihilation or the cataclysmic effects of manmade climate change. Under an Obama administration, we will see peace and shared prosperity. But only if you make it happen. Only if you get out and vote for realizing change in 2012. Because this is the year we complete the fundamental transformation of America. This is the year we finish the job we started!”
The once-hostile crowd sprang to its feet and exploded into a torrent of furious clamor. Shouts of “four more years! four more years!” poured forth from the amorphous assemblage of flailing arms, contorted faces, and waving colors. The electric energy permeating the mob re-charged the president, as he basked in the adoration of his room. After all, these were his people. And he had once again won them over.
Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.
Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and BeatObamaPac, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.