Obama’s Zodiac Sign is Cancer! Sucks to be Him!

Obama sucks. We all get that. But then, so does Jerold Nadler – Which is obvious to everyone but Nadler. After all, Nadler got that way by totally sucking – not blowing. See Harry Reid for an example on blowing. Sucks – Nadler. Blows – Reid. Kinda like a 2-cycle engine. But I digress. This story is about Obama and not Jerold the Hut. There’s no question about it – Jerold is not the Droid we are looking for. Move along.  On the other hand, do you know a single person who has ever had to actually “look” for Jerold the Hut? Didn’t think so. He’s right in our grill. It’s not like he blends into the scenery or anything. But enough about GoNadler – Oh, alright, just one little more tidbit about Nadler. In your mind can’t you just see Jerold the Hut wearing full-length red underwear and slopping eats from a can of beans that has a label that says “Beans?” Envision Jerold the Hut scaring children from the local orphanage by removing his teeth and pretending to be the ghost of FDR, his only true love. Eleanor? Eleanor? Come to me, my Eleanor! Oh, sorry, somehow the HildaBeast got fused into this story about Jerold the Hut, uh… Obama. Crap! You ever noticed just how difficult it is to stay on topic? This paragraph sucks! Can’t stay on topic…

So Obama wakes up this morning, looks out of the White House window and sees “The President Sucks” written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands that the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return and report. “Well sir,” says the first agent, “the urine has been analyzed and it comes straight from the bladder of Vice President Joe Biden.” Obama goes purple with rage and shouts, “Is that all?” There was a moment of silence from the FBI agent as he was reluctant to respond, but seeing as there was no way out of the situation he relented and continued on with his report. “Well, no sir,” said the agent, “It’s Michelle’s handwriting.” As in “He ain’t heavy. He’s my Hairy Reed.” Which reminds me, what do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

Which reminds me, again…did you know that sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris? And a month dedicated to Jerold Nadler? I can just envision a shark at the local fast food emporium’s drive-through lane. “I’ll take a Nadler to go, with a side order of Nancy Pelosi and a large Coke.” Now that lunch really sucks. Hey, we just got back on topic! So let’s dissect the reasons for Obama’s extraordinary level of pure suckitude. Humor me here, please. Indulge me in just one little more digression and I promise I’ll get back on topic right after this little intermission. Imagine that Obama is sailing on a pink cruise ship. Also imagine that Michelle is sailing on a purple cruise ship. Everything is fine until the pink cruise ship runs into the port side (that’s “left” for you politically inclined readers) of the purple ship and both Obama and Michelle get marooned! See, it was worth it, wasn’t it!

And now, drum roll please… change we can believe in!

How many Obama Administration staffers does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows, they won’t release the information!

How many of Obama’s thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? None…. There never *was* any light bulb, don’t you remember?

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey, that’s not funny!

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many Socialist Workers Party members does it take to change a light bulb? Four – One to change the bulb, one to write about it for “the paper”, one to sell you “the paper” and another to follow you home and ask why you weren’t at the bulb changing, if you plan to make the next one and if you are still as committed.

How many liberal revisionist historians does it take to change a light bulb? In actual fact, against popular consensus, the light bulb was never actually changed.

How many of Obama’s senior aides does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: They’re supposed to keep the President in the dark.

How many Palistinian terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to negotiate with the old bulb and one to shoot at it at the same time.

How many Al Gores does it take to screw in a light bulb? One: but he has to have candles and soft music to do it.

How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb ? None. “Well it’s not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of… (blah blah waffle.)”

How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? One liberal and 28 delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.

How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb? One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ‘800’ number to order a conservative light bulb.

How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a light bulb?

  • (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
  • (Bruce Babbitt) It’s foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we haven’t even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
  • (Richard Gephart) It doesn’t matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we’ll see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.
  • (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people resent it.
  • (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won’t cotton to on  Super Tuesday. At  least I hope not.
  • (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I’m foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50’s. But that’s what Paul Simon’s all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I’m foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in the 50’s: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
  • (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution at best. I’m more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American Indians of today don’t have enough silver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House.

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: At least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

How many ACORN election canvassers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They’d just go round telling everyone that it’s time for a change but the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for “New Obama light bulb.”

How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb? One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant “Fight Darkness!”

Now this is just too funny to make up. What I am about to tell you is real. Truth really is stranger than fiction. Obama, wait for it, was born on August 4th. That means Obama’s Zodiac sign is Cancer! I kid you not! That’s the truth! Obama is Cancer! Now that’s something I Hope will never Change! Obama Cancered Us! He grows on himself! Hey, there’s 1 Obama, 2 Obama, 4 Obama, 8 Obama, 16 Obama, 32 Obama…yada, yada, yada. So the question is:

How many Cancerians does it take to change a light bulb? None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem – or perhaps with the Libya problem.

How many Obama voters does it take to change a light bulb? None. Hoping that it would change is quite enough.

Like I said up front, Obama sucks. Changing a light bulb is so easy that a caveman could do it –if he had one. Kinda like us in a few months. Obama is getting rid of incandescent light bulbs. He figures to screw us all. Now THAT sucks!


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Rich Mitchell

Rich Mitchell is the editor-in-chief of Conservative Daily News and the president of Bald Eagle Media, LLC. His posts may contain opinions that are his own and are not necessarily shared by Bald Eagle Media, CDN, staff or .. much of anyone else. Find him on twitter, facebook and

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  1. This is an extremely immature, poorly reasoned blog post. If you dislike Obama, then attack his policies with some sort of logical reflection, not with childish hokum.

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