Maui-wowie, man! That’s awesome! The Transportation Security Administration just fired twenty-eight bag screeners at Honolulu International Airport after an extensive criminal probe. In fact, this is the first time I’ve ever approved of reading “TSA” and “probe” in the same sentence…oh, wait. It seems they were only screening for cash and jewels. You mean me and my two young grandkids removed our shoes for nothing? We could have put the C4 in the bags? They fired twenty-eight bag screeners? Holy North Shore Batman! They should all be lei-ed off! Every last thieving one of them! Don’t forget the gropers, either. “Do you have any bombs, explosives, plutonium, or currently glowing nuclear devices or materials to declare? Next!” Twenty-eight TSA workers fired? That’s a good start. But if we fire twenty-eight an hour we can get rid of most of them quite quickly! I’m sure they could quickly hook up (no pun intended) with the porn or massage industries. It’s not like they don’t have experience or sumtin’. And there are seven-hundred and fifty TSA employees wandering around at just one airport? Does anyone else see that as a problem? I also like the idea of getting rid of TSA completely and just giving everyone a weapon. The first guy to pull out a weapon is the terrorist; the second guy… is everyone else. Good luck, first guy. You know why Obama flies Air Force 1? Because the TSA doesn’t let terrorists fly commercial.
The TSA saga continues. How ironic! TSA gets probed. Over 10 years, $1B+ spent, and what to show for it? Thousands of women groped, but not a single terrorist identified! Has the captain ever asked you to fasten your suicide belts? Fly Jihad Airways! But never fear, at least they hand out free 9/11 coloring books. Yay, union labor! To be fair, if they screened all of the bags they wouldn’t have had time to watch the strip searches. Why would they screen for explosives when the x-ray porno movies are being shown in the break room? Nobody likes working the X-Ray machine. They all want to be working at the porno scanner or groping your children’s junk. Wasn’t it Shakespeare who first said “To screen or not to screen? That is the question.” Okay, I’m thinking bomb. To screen is the answer. Now, what was the question again? As an aside, if we were talking about Michelle Obama that quote would be “To eat or not to eat. Fat is the question.”
TSA has taken the necessary steps to ensure every bag has been screened properly at HNL since the agency identified the issue. TSA routinely tests security operations to ensure that proper protocols are being followed, and investigates any indication of misconduct. TSA also utilizes a number of checks to ensure bags are being screened properly including the use of CCTV, random inspections, covert tests, as well as peer and management oversight.
TSA management-level staff and National Deployment Force officers have been temporarily assigned to HNL to augment the current staff and continue to ensure that a high level of security operations continues. An effort will commence to hire local permanent replacements in the coming weeks.
—Aero News Network(Article Continues Below Advertisement)
I tried to get on with the TSA a few years ago but I got rejected. I had too high of an IQ for them. If measured by their overall common sense, competence, professionalism and intelligence, TSA people are right up there with Wal-mart greeters. In fact, I think the greeters actually have the edge. Seriously, the TSA is made up of formerly unemployed Muppets. We need the Mossad to run the organization. That way you would have a legitimate reason to visit Israel and see the pyramids! If they fire all of the TSA employees then all they will have to pay them is welfare and food stamps—of which they already all get anyway; but they would save a lot of money not having to pay them to sit around all day in an airport while smoking crack in the restrooms. Speaking of rest rooms, isn’t it true that TSA employees have particularly wide stances and tap their feet while… you know.
Now, there is no way to blame Bush for this fiasco. It’s all on Barack Hussein Obama. So let’s take a small interlude from the TSA and tell a few Captain Kickass jokes in honor of Barry and The First Lardass:
- You know, if you took Obama and gave him a higher IQ and some experience, you would have Jimmy Carter.
- What do Obama and a beer bottle have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.
- What do you tell an Obama with two black eyes? Nothing. He’s already been told twice.
- What do you get when you offer Obama a penny for his thoughts? Change.
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch? Obama.
- What did the left nut say to the right nut? Obama.
- I see colleges are offering a new course. Yeah, it’s called Food Stamps 101…living in an Obama economy.
- I heard Obama got a brain transplant and the brain rejected him.
- Obama’s so clumsy he got tangled up in a cordless phone.
- Barry doing stand-up comedy: “The Second Amendment? Of course I support Michelle’s right to bare arms.” Pa-dum-dum
- Obama does more stand-up: “Come on, I won’t cut off your granny’s health care, just her life support.” Pa-dum-dum
- “Can’t I just get a straight answer?” – Barney Frank (Now how did THAT get in this column about the TSA? Oh, I know. It’s because Frank is in touch with HIS feelings. Kinda’ like the TSA, which is in touch with OUR feelings.)
Alright, let’s leave the TSA for a moment and further dissect Barney Frank. Last night I was on Twitter and asked my Tweeple to engage in a guessing game. The question was “What is Barney Frank’s favorite insect?” Here are some of the hilariously creative answers I received:
- Note to self: Not the Cock Goblin. — FunkynFortunate
- I thought it was the Trouser Worm. —rightwingertoo
- Ladybug? —madreview
- Tick? —tacsneakyfast
- Dungbeetle? — LauraWalkerKC
- Walking Stick — FAMDOC7
- White Legged Didlopod —tacsneakyfast
- A Drag(on) Fly — lafayette41
- Locust? — TheJosiahQ
The correct answer, you might already have guessed, is the cockroach. But that is enough of our pleasant little diversion concerning the esteemed gentleman from Massachusetts. Speaking of cockroaches, don’t you just get the heebie-jeebies every time you look at a picture of Janet Napolitano? See, I knew I could do it! I managed to get us right back to the TSA! Now, about that little ol’ TSA probe and all? (notice the lack of a verb there? Don’t worry, folks. I’m a professional—just don’t try it at home.) Relax. No Democrat employees were injured during that exercise. Which is surprising considering that Bush spent a lot of money killing terrorists and Obama has spent a lot of money killing jobs.
In conclusion let me just say that my new slogan is “Anthony Weiner in ’12. Cuz One Dick wasn’t enough!”
TSA: Same Stimulus—Different Weiner.Wake up Right! Subscribe to our Morning Briefing and get the news delivered to your inbox before breakfast!