Oh CRAP! A Press Release From The Minneapolis City Council

[Editor’s Note: The following piece is satire. So, before someone has a conniption and calls Jack Dorsey or Merrick Garland to have us decapitated, take a deep breath, and relax.]

PRESS RELEASE: MINNEAPOLIS CITY COUNCIL, NOVEMBER 7, 2021

Given the violence perpetrated on the good citizens of our city by the Minneapolis Police Department (MPD) last year, the city council felt that it was appropriate for citizens to be offered an alternative to the police.  That was the purpose of the ballot measure provided in the election of November 2.  It gave the people of Minneapolis an opportunity to share their opinions.  Would they like to move to a more sensitive and equitable means of community safety, or continue with a fascistic and inherently racist uniformed police presence.  The election was very close, but by a narrow margin of only 11%, the public chose to remain with a militaristic approach to policing.  We the City Council have heard you loud and clear.  Democracy has spoken.  We will retain the MPD.

However, given the closeness of the election, it’s clear that a sizable number of Minnesotans still have concerns about the MPD.  The Democrat party, of which we are proud members, has always been a defender of minority rights (except when the minority is a bunch of obstructionist, Republican a-holes).  Therefore, while retaining the MPD, we have reviewed the George Floyd tragedy and identified a number of process improvements to address the concerns of our citizens.

The following changes will be implemented immediately in the city’s response to the rare instances of crime in the City of Lakes.

Dispatchers

911 operators shall dispatch a Community Response and Assessment Program (CRAP) team for all criminal complaints.  CRAP teams will be comprised of:

• A community advocate
• A licensed mediator
• A diversity and inclusion councilor
• A notary public

Upon dispatch of a CRAP team, the police shall stage at a safe distance (safe distance being equal to or greater than the range of their service weapons).  The objectives of the CRAP team are to assess the situation, de-escalate conflict, and establish a productive and non-threatening dialog with all stakeholders.  For purposes of these procedures, stakeholders shall include suspects, witnesses, victims, advocacy groups, journalists, politicians, and bystanders.

CRAP Team Assessment

Once the CRAP hits the scene, they shall initiate an assessment.  They will first determine the preferred pronouns of all stakeholders – showing appropriate sensitivity to any gender preferences.  At no point during the assessment shall CRAP ask for proof of identification.  Such an inquiry is considered racist as some victimized minorities may be unable to obtain such identification.

Next, the CRAP team will determine whether the crime is merely a property violation, or would more appropriately be classified as a violent crime.  If the crime is determined to be a property violation, the CRAP team will thank the alleged perpetrator for maintaining civility and avoiding violence.  It will then refer the suspect to the DA’s office to arrange a plea deal.

For a violent crime, the CRAP team will negotiate rules of engagement with all stakeholders (see above stakeholder list) and obtain affidavits of ethnicity from those present.  Next, the team will obtain liability releases from all stakeholders.  The releases will be notarized and copies provided to the following:

• Police union
• Advocacy organizations for affected groups (BLM, La Raza, CAIR, Antifa, etc.)
• State Attorney General

A written authorization for the police to engage will be drafted.  CRAP will then deposit all work product to a File of Assessments and Notes (FAN).

Police Response

Should the infraction be deemed a violent crime, the police shall respond only after CRAP has finished depositing to the FAN.  Once that has been completed, the following guidelines shall be adhered to.

Physical Restraint

Should a suspect be unruly or non-compliant, the police shall inquire from the suspect if he/she/xe would be willing to comply with a mediator.  Should the suspect reply in the affirmative, the police shall call for a backup mediator to be dispatched.

Should the suspect decline mediation, physical restraint may be appropriate.  However, physical restraint shall only be employed under the direct supervision of a medical professional.  Upon determination that physical restraint is called for, the police shall “call time out,” and request a backup doctor be dispatched.  They may proceed with restraint only after receiving the doctor’s written authorization.  The authorization of physical restraint shall be added to the FAN.

Excited Delirium

Excited delirium as a result of drug overdose is a life-threatening condition.  Loss of life while in police custody is an unacceptable outcome.  When excited delirium is suspected the police shall:

• Release the suspect immediately
• Direct him/her/xir to the nearest emergency room
• Recommend that he/she/xe make better life choices in the future

Unruly Bystanders

Should the police find themselves confronted by unruly bystanders they shall immediately “call time out” and cease all actions.  They shall proceed only after completing the following:

• Open a dialog with all bystanders and document all grievances in the FAN
• Offer a community advocacy liaison to represent the group
• Offer them directions to the nearest autonomy zone or safe space
• Develop a corrective action Plan
• Obtain advocacy group approval of the corrective action plan

Use of Force

We recognize that on rare occasions, the use of force may be unavoidable.  When use of force is warranted, the following escalation of force shall be adhered to:

• Polite commands
• Harsh commands – shouting that the police really mean it
• Taser – ensure that the suspect’s liability release is present in the FAN prior to implementation
• Baton – however any bruising or breakage of bones will be considered assault, for which the police officer shall be held criminally liable
• Presidential directive — Per President Asterisk, shooting the suspect in the leg is an acceptable method to neutralize a threat – however, care must be taken to avoid hitting the femoral artery, as any death resulting from “winging” the suspect will be considered negligent homicide, for which the police officer shall be held criminally liable

Lethal force shall only be authorized if one of the following applies:

• The suspect is threatening others with a firearm which is clearly identifiable on the body cam, pointed at someone, and with the suspect’s finger on the trigger.  Lethal force is not authorized for edged weapons, as knife fights are a routine juvenile activity. Or …
• The suspect is not a member of a protected class. Refer to the affidavits of ethnicity in the FAN for a determination.  Protected classes may change over time so police must check their daily update. Or …
• The suspect is implicated in any vandalism of the US Capitol Building

Hopefully, these changes will convince Minnesotans that they can go about their daily business with complete confidence in their security and the equitable treatment of their fellow citizens.  It is our sincere hope that companies, which left Minneapolis due to the “mostly peaceful protesting,” will see this as our invitation to return.

Photo by Taymaz Valley at Flickr.