The U.S. Constitution in Plain Language

In response to the New York Times editorial “Let’s Give Up on the Constitution,” written by esteemed scholar Louis Michael Seidman, it seems like an appropriate time to revisit the U.S. Constitution.

Unfortunately, since the language of the Constitution can be technical and outdated, republishing something as brilliant as The Federalist Papers simply wouldn’t convince many people that so-called “progressives” are actually on the wrong side of history.

Most people do not understand that “progressives” are authoritarians fighting to undo the American political system, which was put into place to keep power-hungry politicians from doing whatever they want with other people’s lives.

Instead of forming another complicated defense of the law of the land, let’s put the U.S. Constitution in terms everyone can understand:

We run this country. Politicians are there to do their jobs and that’s it. Don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing. (See The Declaration of Independence.)

The House of Representatives and Senate pass the laws. This is so we don’t feel stupid for electing dictators who can do whatever they want. Putting more jerks in office makes it harder for them to work together to pass harmful laws. Since they are egomaniacs, they will fight for power and hopefully cancel each others’ idiocy out.

Not just any fool can be a Representative. Just fools of a certain age and citizenship status. Senators have to be a bit older, but certainly no wiser that Representatives.

The Congress has to actually meet once in a while. This is not a problem for career politicians. If you act like a douchebag, we can kick you out. We probably won’t, but don’t push it. No double-dipping.

Spending bills start in the House, even though some political parties act like they don’t. The House decides what stuff and how much of it the government buys. It decides what countries to invade. Don’t go trampling on people’s civil liberties. States aren’t separate countries, and shouldn’t act like them.

If you’re a thirty-five year old citizen with no real record of accomplishment, you too can be an American president! The president has to take an oath to the Constitution. Contrary to popular belief, he doesn’t get elected to rule over other Americans. He gets to make treaties and pick bureaucrats.

Every year, the president makes a nice speech to Congress. He should take care not to insult members of the other branches. Believe it or not, the president can be kicked out of office.

There’s a bunch of judges who decide tough cases called the Supreme Court. They too can be kicked out, but they can generally stay on the court as long as they want to. The Supreme Court gets to rule on certain cases of importance.

It’s possible to commit treason against one’s country, but since most of the founders of the country were called traitors, it’s almost impossible.

We have a republican form of government, not a democracy. That means we have a bunch of somewhat independent states that are supposed to work together, help each other out, and follow the rules.

Don’t like something in the Constitution? We actually have a way to change it built in! That means none of you who don’t like the Constitution gets to say, “hey, why don’t we just forget about the Constitution?” If you have a bright idea, let’s see how much the public agrees with you.

The U.S. Constitution is the supreme law of the land. It gives the government all of its legitimate powers, and also limits what the government can do to people. Politicians are nothing but citizens who are equal to other citizens and hold office only by the people’s consent. If politicians start bossing people around, and break their oaths of office, then the Constitution is nullified, and the authority of the government is voided.

In that worst case scenario, Washington politicians would be just a collection of 537 guys trying to order around more than 300 million Americans, but they would have no more legitimate authority than anyone else. “Giving up on the Constitution” means we should all forget about what Washington politicians say and why we should listen to them at all.

All of the states whose spokesmen sign this document agree to form a federal government on these conditions only. Without this binding agreement, there is no federal government.

Bonus: The Bill of Rights

1st Amendment — We can say whatever we want and believe whatever we want, and the government has no say in it.

2nd Amendment — We have the right to defend ourselves from the government and criminals using firearms.

3rd Amendment — Soldiers and policemen can’t just bust into your house like they own the joint and crash there.

4th Amendment — Police can’t just search people randomly, go through their stuff, ask for their papers, and all that business.

5th Amendment — The government can’t just take stuff or lock people up without a trial.

6th Amendment — Trials have to be speedy and fair.

7th Amendment — People have a right to be judged by other folks who can understand them.

8th Amendment — Judges can’t just straight up rip people off or do cruel and unusual stuff to them.

9th Amendment — Just because it isn’t written down here, doesn’t mean people don’t have other rights.

10th Amendment — If the Constitution doesn’t say that the government can do something, it can’t do it. The people and the states have all the powers not otherwise given to the federal government.