Bizarro ‘Bama

Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Corporate-backed fat cat politician runs on the Republican ticket in the most serious economic recession in 70 years. The boring old white guy is backed by Wall Street and promises to change Washington.

This GOP neocon is a multi-millionaire one-percenter who donates very little to charity. Backed by special interests, he claims not to be controlled by lobbyists, but he meets with them frequently in secret. The man talks a big game about transparency, but refuses to make all of his records public. He pretends to be a moderate, but he’s actually an extremist wingnut.

The slick politician comes into the presidency claiming to be a change from Bush, but he nevertheless copies his predecessor’s war-mongering ways. He continues the wars overseas and the civil liberties abuses. He supports the Patriot Act. Twice. And to top it off, he declares war on foreign soil without congressional authorization.

The man triples down on the failed Bush policies of the past. Bailouts for bankster buddies, a trillion-dollar stimulus slush fund for his crony allies, and billions in green energy graft for campaign contributors. Although he promises to cut the deficit in half, he actually triples it. The man is synonymous with corruption, as he props up the “too big to fail” at the expense of the little guy.

Then to top it off, this heartless Republican spends around ten work weeks on the golf course, meanwhile promising to work tirelessly to get people back to work. After getting bored with golf, he goes on the campaign trail about halfway into his presidency. He skips almost all of his jobs council meetings and his intelligence briefings for the rest of his term.

Further economic disaster comes as tens of millions remain without work. The soulless politician says that the private sector is “doing just fine,” while record profits keep rolling into corporate coffers. The rest of the economy is dismal, as productivity declines and people give up even looking for work.

The blue-blooded jerk then says that he is protecting the middle class, as average incomes drop some $4,300 and meanwhile, gas prices soar, food prices go through the roof, and utility bills skyrocket. Medical insurance jumps to astronomically high rates after he passes a gargantuan bill that was promoted by the insurance lobby.

The bloodthirsty Republican drops bombs on villages in Third World countries, killing thousands of innocent people as “collateral damage.” The draft-dodging chicken hawk beats his chest over killing a Muslim holy man. And when he gets a “3 am call” at 9 pm requesting help from Navy SEALS trying to rescue a U.S. ambassador, he yawns and takes a nappy so that he can get ready for a fundraiser with millionaires and billionaires.

Now consider that this politician is neither a “boring old white guy” nor a “Republican.” The man is Barack Hussein Obama. And you just re-elected him, America.

Mind. Blown.