Why Do We Need You, Government Man?

“You must pay Social Security,” said the government man.

 “Why?,” I replied. “I can walk to the bank and save my own money or get an annuity with an insurance company. I don’t need you to steal money from my paycheck every week, then hope I live to 67 to get some of my hard-earned money back.”

“You must use our Post Office”.

“Why?”, I said, “UPS, DHL, and Fed Ex gives me better service.”

“You must support Medicare.”

“Why?” I replied, “I can pay for my own health insurance that lets me choose my own health plan, deductibles, doctors, and hospitals. Why don’t you remove your damn regulations on the health-care industry, close down the FDA, and allow a free-market in medical care? Then I would have a lot more doctors and insurance companies to choose from  and pay a lot less for medical care and health insurance.”

“You must pay 50 percent of your salary in state and Federal income taxes to support all our entitlement programs. You are morally responsible to help the poor, unwed mothers, college students, corporations who want bailouts, big farmers who need farm subsidies, and Mexican illegal aliens who insist on free medical care.”

By what right,” I replied, “do you force me to be my brother’s keeper at the point of a gun? Why do you think you have the right to rob me to give unearned handouts to people who will vote for you? You turn compassion into compulsion and make me hate my brother.”

“You must not develop this land and create homes and apartments for thousands of people, as this would endanger the kangaroo rats and alligators living on the land.”

“You sick environmentalist,” I answered, “why do you value the life of kangaroo rats, alligators who kill children, and mosquitoes that kill millions of people a year with malaria, over the lives of men, women, and children? What made you so twisted inside, and why do you hate the human race? If I develop this land, thousands of families will have decent, low-cost homes and apartments to live in. If that means every kangaroo rat and alligator is killed in the process, I say the sooner the better. There’s a big market for alligator purses.”

“You must send your children to our wonderful public schools.”

“Why, you damn fool? I can teach my children to read with “hooked-on-phonics,” get them local tutors, have them watch math and reading videos, give them one-on-one instruction with computer software and free Internet libraries, or enroll them in a low-cost Internet private school that charges less than $975 a year tuition. My son and daughter will learn to read, write, and do math proficiently in two years, not in the twelve years your miserable, government-controlled public schools force on millions of kids.”

“In short, government man, why do we need you? Just holster your gun, withdraw your taxes, regulations, public schools, and entitlement programs, and get out of our way.”