Obama's Latest Plan: Rescuing America From Rich People and Success

The President gave another campaign speech disguised as a “deficit reduction plan” Monday morning, this time in the White House Rose Garden.  Perhaps he hoped the the backdrop of thriving foliage would add to the illusion that his “plan” would help the economy thrive and flourish.  Here are some highlights from the campaign speech:

Obama wants $248 Billion to come out of Medicare, 90% of which will come in the form of reducing over-payments to providers.  Did you hear that, America? The administration that  has presided over recent scandals such as Fast & Furious and Solyndra, the administration that spends $3.93 billion a day (consider that a billion seconds=31 years and let that blow your mind) wants to reduce waste and fraud in Medicare? Don’t you feel safer already? I know I do.

Obama wants to increase taxes on the wealthy. The wealthy don’t pay enough in taxes, you know.  Wealthy people are selfish and evil and ugly.  They steal money from the poor and keep it all in giant vaults that can only be opened with giant keys.  Then they drink expensive champagne made from the tears of women, children and minorities.  It doesn’t matter that according to the IRS‘ own, easily located statistics, the top 50% of earners pay 97% of all income taxes, and the top 1% pay 39%.  Rich people are bad.  Unless their names are Pelosi, Obama, Clinton, Kennedy, Buffet, Jobs, Gates, Frank, Rockefeller, Feinstein, Kerry, Heinz-Kerry, Gore, Edwards…..oh, you get the point.

Obama wants to put caps on itemized deductions, close tax “loopholes”, and let the Bush era tax cuts expire on individuals earning $200,000/year and couples earning $250,000/year.  Thank God.  Since most small business owners file as individuals and depend heavily on itemized deductions to stay afloat, this new and fresh idea should effectively kill small business growth; and if there’s anything America needs less of its small business and the jobs they create.  If those businesses are allowed to thrive, they might become big businesses that earn a lot of money.  Then they’ll be rich.  To reiterate, rich people are bad. Its a good thing Obama is here to rescue the average American from…jobs.

Obama wants a “Buffet” tax, named for his favorite rich person, Warren Buffet.  This tax would raise the tax rate on individuals earning over $1 million per year.   Hey, small business owners and folks who have worked very hard to earn a nice salary -Warren Buffet wants to pay more taxes!  You should want that too.  But just in case you don’t, here is a plan to force you to pay more taxes.  You’re welcome.

Oh, did you know Warren Buffet has a secretary?  Its true.  Supposedly she pays a higher tax rate than he does.  Unacceptable!  Also unacceptable – giving the secretary a raise so she can move into a different tax bracket.  Let’s not get carried away here, folks!

Obama wants to reform the corporate tax rate while closing more of the dreaded “loopholes” (when is Hollywood going to make a horror movie about loopholes? They sound absolutely terrifying).  In case you were wondering, giving hundreds of millions in stimulus money to bankrupt solar energy companies and other energy providers to help “weatherize” homes, that’s not a loophole.  Its just being neighborly.

If you are feeling concerned that these “proposals” may seem a bit…one-dimensional, have no fear.  President Obama went on to assure Americans that “This is not class warfare, it’s math.”  Phew!  No worries, everyone.  Its all under control.  The same White House that saved and/or created 100 bazillion jobs has done all the math for you: $14,711,883,847,986 in national debt minus stimulus money payouts to cronies and unions= YOU NEED TO GIVE GOVERNMENT MORE OF YOUR MONEY…NOW!  Its a simple formula, really.  Now it is all up the the Republicans in the House to pass this campaign speech right away.