What Has Ed Rendell Been Smoking?

Last night the Democratic Governor of Pennsylvania, Ed Rendell, attacked Republicans, saying members of the GOP “are nuts” and “flat-out crazy.”

What have you been smoking, Ed? Whatever it is, there’s no question about it – you inhaled! Republicans are flat-out crazy, Rendell? We’re the Fruit Loops? Crap, Rendell, I can’t resist this one. I was going to take the night off from opinion writing but hey, you just opened a big can of liberal worms, Rendell, so I’ll give you a bit of a history lesson. It seems you have conveniently forgotten which party produces flat-out crazy Fruit Loops on an assembly line basis. Hopes this fires a few of your neurons and jumps your synapse – your frontal lobe sure needs some stimulus. Apparently your lobotomy didn’t do the job. Anyway, class is in session:

Richard Gere

Like my friend Slingbrush said, I could have been a liberal, too, Richard. But I don’t like paying taxes or having gerbils shoved up my ass. Do you know why gerbils don’t drive? Because they can’t get out of Gere! I know you dispute the story of your critter infestation, so let me just say that this whole incident only happened – allegedly. I’m sure glad you got to the bottom of this, Richard…you just cleared up the hole situation for all of us! I sure was confused there for a while, Richard. Apparently, you advocate on behalf of hamsters to the detriment of gerbils. But let me tell you something in case you want to reconsider. Gerbils have more white meat! Regardless of whether it really happened or not, Richard, you have become infamous. In fact, you inspired the Legend of the Rectal Gerbil:

A 26-year-old man was admitted to California’s Cedars-Sinai Hospital emergency room with a complaint of lower abdominal pains and rectal bleeding. He refused to talk to doctors about what his problem was in any detail, but did indicate that they should examine his anal area.

Doctors were reluctant at first in that the bloody anal leakage was particularly unpleasant, but eventually one brave soul dared to examine the area with the aid of a speculum. In the odious passage, he found bloody stools and what looked like the backside of a gerbil.

“Is that the backside of a gerbil?” the doctor asked the patient. The patient tried to change the subject, but then nodded in embarrassment and went back to writhing in pain.

One of the younger doctors had heard of such an incident before. Apparently, some particularly bizarre individuals got their sexual thrills by inserting a paper towel tube into their rear end and then, by convincing a gerbil that this was just another habbitrail tube, enticed the creature to crawl into them. As the animal expired in the unhealthy environment, it wriggled and clawed which gave its host an intense thrill. The animal was then ejected through normal bowel-movement means. In this case, though, it appeared that the gerbil’s struggles had so irritated the bowel wall that it had swollen, trapping the pitiful creature, which was, somehow, still squirming about.

The doctors gave the patient a generous supply of morphine and then tried to decide how to free the animal. An intern had an idea that they might be able to slip it out with sufficient lubrication, but first they’d have to see if the animal was holding on with its claws. To determine exactly what the situation was, he reinserted the speculum and, to better see, lit his lighter.

The flame from the lighter had more effect than anticipated. It ignited a pocket of intestinal gas within the patient, causing a burst of flame to shoot forth, sending the patient flying off the table in one direction and blowing the intern across the room in the other. The intern was dazed, but in a moment shook off the effect of the blast just enough to realize that he was lying on the floor and that there was a gerbil — horribly smelly and burnt but alive — standing on his chest.

The intern looked the animal square in the eye and said, “Wow. He looks just like Richard Gere.” Then he collapsed in a faint from the pain of his broken nose.

Are you still with me, Ed? Want to read more about it? Okay… go for it.


Ted “Waitress Sandwich” Kennedy

Poor little Ted Kennedy, the guy could never get a break. No need for me to compose some prose in honor of Ted. Everything we need to know is already widely circulating on the web in the form of Ted Kennedy jokes. In fact, Ed, I’ll make it fair by only quoting jokes from your fellow libs. Enjoy, Ed:

  • “Apparently, some punk kids went nuts and tipped over Ted Kennedy” –David Letterman, on the New England Patriots’ Super Bowl parade
  • “Today was President Bush’s inauguration. What a great symbol for our republic, the inauguration. Everyone had a good time. Senator Ted Kennedy was in a good mood, he had a few too many cocktails and was writing his name in the snow.” –David Letterman
  • “Ted Kennedy said today that the Democratic party is still the majority party. That means he’s been drinking again.” –Jay Leno
  • “Did you see who’s campaigning with John Kerry now? Ted Kennedy! Can you imagine those two giant heads coming down the street together? It’s gonna look like a Macy’s Day parade.” —Jay Leno
  • “Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I’m wondering – do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?” —David Letterman
  • “Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted; his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy.” —Craig Kilborn
  • “It’s Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. This tradition began about 25 years ago down in Washington, D.C. by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy who was spotted leaving his office with an 18-year-old.” —David Letterman
  • “Ted Kennedy was stopped for going on an airline because his name somehow ended up on a no-fly list. Is this really safe for people — Ted Kennedy driving?” –Craig Kilborn
  • “Just about a half hour ago, the U.S. Senate finished a marathon session on judicial nominees that lasted 30 straight hours. In fact, at 5 a.m. Ted Kennedy was so tired he put his head down on several desks.” —Conan O’Brien
  • “Today in Washington, Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger had lunch with Senator Ted Kennedy. I understand Gloria Allred is now representing the waitress.” —Jay Leno
  • “Schwarzenegger met with President Bush to try and get some money for California and then after the meeting he took Ted Kennedy to lunch. Feeding Ted Kennedy, how much does that cost? In fact, after the bill came Arnold had to go back to President Bush to get more money.” —Jay Leno
  • “After the switch, the Democrats would have 51 seats, the Republicans would have 49 seats, and Senator Ted Kennedy would still need four seats.” —Craig Kilborn, on the changeover in power in the Senate
  • “On Wednesday, President Bush named the Justice Department headquarters after Robert F. Kennedy. Then he went around the corner and named a strip club after Ted.” —Jay Leno

Nancy “If I Were a Young Wart Hog” Pelosi

What can you say about a loon whose face doubles as a snare drum?

Rim Shot! It’s gotten so bad that even Democratic Congressman Bobby Bright (D-AL) is making jokes that Nancy Pelosi might get sick and die. Well, duh, Bobby! With that much Botox juice in your system, who wouldn’t!

Is she your dream girl, Ed? Want me to hook you two up? It could be a marriage made in Heaven, Ed. You’re too loose, she’s too tight. Opposites attract.

Governor Moonbeam

In 1995, the following words spewed out of the mouth of one Jerry Brown:

The conventional viewpoint says we need a jobs program and we need to cut welfare. Just the opposite! We need more welfare and fewer jobs. Jobs for every American is doomed to failure because of modern automation and production. We ought to recognize it and create an income-maintenance system so every single American has the dignity and the wherewithal for shelter, basic food, and medical care. I’m talking about welfare for all.

That was Zen, this is Now, Jerry. I have just one question, Jerry – if you truly believe that nobody should work and that everybody should be on welfare, then why in the Hell are you running for governor again? That’s a job, Jerry. Get it?

Barney Frank

Just read what the Washington Post has to say about the illustrious Barney Frank. It is well-known, documented, and even admitted by the participants themselves. Frank and Stephen L. Gobie were homosexual lovers, Gobie openly admitted that he operated a prostitution ring out of Frank’s Georgetown townhouse and that Frank knew about it. I quote the Washington Post story: “He knew exactly what I was doing,” Gobie said. “It was pretty obvious. If he had to come home early {from work}, he would call home to be sure the coast was clear . . . . He was living vicariously through me. He said it was kind of a thrill, and if he had been 20 years younger he might be doing the same thing.” To be fair, Frank denies knowing anything about the prostitution ring.

I continue on with the Washington Post story:”Although Frank and Gobie differ in some details of their relationship, they agree on the story line. They met on April Fool’s Day 1985. The representative answered a classified ad in the Washington Blade, the local gay weekly. “Exceptionally good-looking, personable, muscular athlete is available. Hot bottom plus large endowment equals a good time.”” I ask you, Ed, if Frank couldn’t keep track of the financial dealings happening under his own roof, why should America trust him to regulate the banking industry?

Jimmy Carter

What can you say about the mental stability of a man who claims he was attacked by a killer rabbit?

Jody Powell tried to cover up for Carter’s mental rabbit fart by calling it a vicious and dangerous “swamp rabbit.” As opposed, I suppose, to a non-swamp rabbit. However, Carter comes off as a flake. Et Tu, Ed?

Alan Grayson

If there was any doubt that liberalism is a mental disease, those doubts are swept away in the presence of Alan Grayson. Here are a few quotes about Grayson from readers of Michelle Malkin’s fantastic blog. First a link to the story and then the comments, which you can see by scrolling down below Michelle’s  blog post about Grayson:

  • “The vile slime flowing from the mouth of Grayson fits well with the Obama administration and the leftists in congress.”
  • “Grayson’s verbal diarrhea sits well with Obama’s diaper policies.”
  • “Fox should invite him on for a full hour with Geraldo. Just make sure to stock the liquor cabinet in the green room with all his favorites. Maybe he’ll share with Geraldo which of his coworkers he would like to spit on.”
  • “This Grayson feller could write RAP lyrics…maybe that’s why Obama likes him. A whitewashed Kanye West.”

Want an example of Grayson’s lunacy, Ed? Watch this, Ed. You might find it interesting because it is about 9-11. And, uh, Ed, didn’t something related to that day happen in Pennsylvania? I mean, just askin’.

Barbara “Ma’am” Boxer

I loved Anthony Del Pellegrino’s dissection of Barbara Boxer. Pellegrino pegged the little runt. “At 4’11’ what Boxer lacks in size and class, she makes up for in attitude.” Pellegrino then drills the lesson home:

Her bitterness on all things political is consistently conveyed every time she pulls out, what colleagues have come to call, the “Boxer Box”, a box she uses whenever she approaches a lectern and speaks. Once on that crate, the words to come out of her mouth are always among the most partisan in Congress and they all lack a little something called intelligence and logic.

ROFL!!! I just can’t stop quoting Pellegrino. He is a master wordsmith! So, here is one more little tidbit for your reading pleasure:

As a woman, her lack of endearing qualities and shrill bitterness is undoubtedly the number one cause of homosexuality among male Californians . They are also qualities that give added reason for not missing that hag when her time in the Senate is up.

We can only hope California gets it right in November. It just might. For the first time ever, Boxer is in a real fight for her political life.

Maxine Waters

Maxine Waters – the poster child for Thorazine. Where was Maxine when they handed out brains? At the wig outlet store? Speaking of wigs, the hideous collection of fur is a size too small – it’s cutting off the blood flow to her brain. And I’m not the only person to think that. Here is what Megan McArdle, the business and economics editor for The Atlantic, has to say about Waters:

Her questions to the bankers are so bizarre that they don’t know what to do.  Ken Lewis looks like a deer in the headlights as Waters asks her about offshore loss mitigation efforts.  He can’t even figure out what she’s talking about, and neither can I.  She also asks the bankers, few of whom are in the credit card business, how many of them have cut credit limits to people on the basis of where they shop.  It’s like watching your crazy aunt challenge your boyfriend to prove that fairies aren’t real.

It seems poor Maxine is always having trouble with banks and bankers. I seem to recall a little affair Maxine currently has going on with the House Ethics Committee. How’s the Hope and Change workin’ out fer ya, Maxine?

John “Lurch” Kerry

A blogger on hotair.com had this to say about Lurch. “God apologizes for creating John Kerry, says it was just a joke gone wrong.” Oh, sure, Kerry. Yacht it up!

I just can’t trust anybody who looks like the butler for the Adams family.

Nuff said. Case closed.

Al “Crazed Sex Poodle” Gore

Al Gore isn’t a nut. He’s the entire friggin’ orchard! He’s a crazed sex poodle wandering the globe in search of a good warming. He became rich and famous perpetuating the Global Warming line. He’s a one-man Ponzi Scheme (allegedly). He’s not your ordinary cereal – he’s Frosted Flakes.

Gavin Newsom

Hypocrisy, thy name is Newsom. In June, 2010, Newsom told the San Diego area East County Magazine that “the environmental catastrophe devastating the Gulf of Mexico is a tragic reminder of why we must take a stand against the oil companies and oppose all offshore drilling off California’s precious coast.” Newsom forgot to tell the reporter that he and the most honorable Mrs. Gavin Newsom had invested between $10,000 and $100,000 In Transocean Inc… Remember Transocean? That’s the company that leased its rig to BP. You know the rest of the story. The details of Newsom’s investment were released by Newsom in his most recently filed economic disclosure statement. It turns out that Newsom has also invested in Dorchester Minerals, Resolute Energy, and Schlumberger Ltd. And even that’s not all. Newsom also invested in Petroleo Brasileiro, the largely state owned oil and gas exploration company in Brazil. Gee, Newsom, thanks for taking a stand!

Charlie Rangel

This guy needs to change his name to Charlie Wrangle. As in how did he wrangle his way out of paying his taxes? And how did he wrangle that deal with the rent-controlled apartments? How did he wrangle official letterhead to solicit donations to his Charles B. Rangel Center at the City College of New York?

Bobby Rush

Bobby Rush (D-IL) was one of 75 Democrats who refused to cut ACORN off at the nuts.

Just so you know who the nuts are, here is the official list: Tammy Baldwin, D-Wisc., Xavier Becerra, D-Calif., Robert Brady D-Pa., Corrine Brown, D-Fla., G.K. Butterfield, D-N.C., Mike Capuano, D-Mass., Andre Carson, D-Ind., Betty Castor, D-Fla., Emanuel Cleaver, D-Mo., James Clyburn, D-S.C., Joseph Crowley, D-N.Y., Elijah Cummings, D-Md., Danny Davis, D-Ill., Diane DeGette, D-Colo., Bill Delahunt, D-Mass., Mike Doyle, D-Pa., Donna Edwards, D-Md., Keith Ellison, D-Minn., Eliot Engel, D-N.Y., Chakka Fattah, D-Pa., Bob Filner, D-Calif., Marcia Fudge, D-Ohio, Al Green, D-Tex., Raul Grijalva, D-Ariz., Maurice Hinchey, D-N.Y., Mazie Hirono, D-Hawaii, Rush Holt, D-N.J., Mike Honda, D-Calif., Jesse Jackson, Jr. D-Ill., Sheila Jackson-Lee, D-Tex., Eddie Bernice Johnson, D-Tex., Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, D-Mich., Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, Rick Larsen, D-Wash., Barbara Lee, D-Calif., John Lewis, D-Ga., Stephen Lynch, D-Mass., Markey, D-Mass., Betty McCollum, D-Minn., McDermott, D-Wash., McGovern, D-Mass., Gregory Meeks, D-N.Y., Alan Mollohan, D-W.Va., Gwen Moore, D-Wisc., Jim Moran, D-Va., Jerrold Nadler, D-N.Y., Richard Neal, D-Mass., John Olver, D-Mass., Frank Pallone, D-N.J., Bill Pascrell, D-N.J., Donald Payne, D-N.J., Jared Polis, D-Colo. , David Price, D-N.C., Nick Rahall, D-W.Va., Charlie Rangel, D-N.Y., Lucille Roybal-Allard, D-Calif., Linda Sánchez, D-Calif., Jan Schakowsky, D-Ill., David Scott D-Ga., Bobby Scott, D-Va., Jose Serrano, D-N.Y., Brad Sherman, D-Calif., Albio Sires, D-N.J., Louise Slaughter, D-N.Y., Pete Stark, D-Calif., Bennie Thompson, D-Miss., Edolphus Towns, D-N.Y., Niki Tsongas, D-Mass., Nydia Velázquez, D-N.Y., Maxine Waters, D-Calif., Diane Watson, D-Calif., Henry Waxman, D-Calif., Robert Wexler, D-Fla., and Lynn Woolsey, D-Calif.

Now, Ed, you’ve got to be wondering why I listed all of those names. Simple, Ed. They’re all Democrats and they are also just as nuts as you are.

Hillary Clinton

She is the reason Bill was paralyzed from the waist down. No worries, Bill got over it.


I could go on, Ed, but even a numbskull like yourself has got to admit that I’ve just given you a lesson in progressive insanity. We’re not nuts, Ed. You are. You’re so left-wing, tree-hugging, welfare-granting nuts that you don’t even realize it. Don’t worry, though. You don’t have to figure it out. The rest of us have already figured it out. We’ll take care of everything for ya on November 2nd. Relax; you’ve got adult supervision now.

The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and  are his alone.  The opinions in this article o not represent those of Anomalous Media, LLC or Conservative Daily News

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Rich Mitchell

Rich Mitchell is the editor-in-chief of Conservative Daily News and the president of Bald Eagle Media, LLC. His posts may contain opinions that are his own and are not necessarily shared by Bald Eagle Media, CDN, staff or .. much of anyone else. Find him on twitter, facebook and

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