When President Harris Breaks the Glass Ceiling (and Everything Else)

The Democrats are poised to shatter the glass ceiling by providing us with the first female president of the United States.  If recent events are any indication, this accomplishment may happen sooner rather than later.  The first indication is the memo recently issued by the White House directing all personnel to refer to the new administration as the Biden/Harris (or is it Harris/Biden?) administration.  Bill and Hillary were just unconvincing posers; this is what a real co-presidency looks like.

In several speeches, old Joe has referred to Kamala as President Harris.  Republicans are quick to label this a gaffe, an indication of Joe’s mental decline.  It’s nothing of the sort.  President Asterisk is using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to prepare the misogynists among us (that would be all males) for the idea of a female president.  CBT is a therapeutic method to help people overcome irrational fears, such as the fear of clowns or snakes.  In this case, Joe is wisely preparing us so we won’t vomit every time we hear the words “President Harris.”

As we prepare for her elevation to high office, a review of Kamala’s history is in order.

Born to immigrant parents Dr. Donald Harris and Dr. Shyamala Gopalan, Kamala’s childhood was not a life of privilege, as both parents were non-white.  Rather, Kamala grew up on the mean streets of Berkeley and Montreal.  This instilled in Kamala a deep yearning for racial equity and social justice.

Kamala earned her law degree from the University of California, Hastings College of Law, which she attended via its Legal Education Opportunity Program (LEOP).  The LEOP was a program designed to help those from disadvantaged backgrounds achieve the dream of a law degree.  As both of Kamala’s parents were merely un-tenured professors, this program was a godsend.

Early in her career, Kamala met Willie Brown, former mayor of San Francisco and speaker of the California Assembly.  Kamala was a politically ambitious 29-year-old.  Willie was a married 60-year-old power broker in California politics.  It was love at first sight.  While dating her, Willie gave Kamala appointments to the state Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board and later to the California Medical Assistance Commission.

In 2002, Harris ran for the office of district attorney of San Francisco.  With the endorsement of Willie Brown and legal scholar and comedian Chris Rock, Kamala easily won the election.  As the self-proclaimed “top cop” of San Fran, Kamala implemented a tough-on-crime policy seeking maximum sentences for marijuana possession.  She even implemented a groundbreaking strategy of criminally prosecuting parents of truant children.  The cleanliness and safety of 21st-century San Francisco is a testament to Kamala’s leadership.  Harris would eventually implement these policies at a state level after her election as the California attorney general.

In 2015, Harris announced her intention to seek the Senate seat being vacated by the retiring Barbara Boxer.  With endorsements from Barack Obama and Joe Biden, Harris easily won election to the U.S. Senate.  Thanks to California’s recently enacted top-two primary format, Kamala never faced a Republican in the general election, sparing her the indignity of debating a racist.

As a senator, Kamala distinguished herself by calling out Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh for his obvious and blatant prior abuses of women.  She was able to rise above her legal training in recognition of the reality that claims from females supersede the need for actual evidence.

Senator Harris further cemented her reputation as a principled leader when she called for the resignation of Homeland Security secretary Kirstjen Nielsen for her role in the Trump administration’s children-in-cages scandal.  By highlighting this humanitarian issue, Harris ensured that immigrant children would never again be housed in chain-link cages.  Thanks to her efforts, children are now housed in chain-link juvenile detention facilities.

In 2019, Senator Harris announced her intention to run for the office of president of the United States.  Unfortunately, she failed to win any primary elections and dropped out of the race early.  However, speaking truth to power, she did manage to highlight the racist and sexist past of Vice President Joe Biden during the debates.

Upon his nomination, Joe Biden selected Kamala Harris to be his vice-presidential running mate.  His decision was based on her selfless government service and the coconut shampoo she’s rumored to use.  As a further demonstration of her principled standards, Kamala accepted the offer to serve at the pleasure of a known racist and sexist.  Patriot that she is, it was her duty to accept personal sacrifice in service to her country.

In her new position, Kamala is already establishing herself as a champion of women in our society.  She has teamed with world-renowned women’s rights expert Bill Clinton to address women’s empowerment.  Through initiatives from her office, Harris will ensure that girls throughout America may follow the same path she and countless actresses have trod to achieve the pinnacle of professional success.

Early in his administration, President Asterisk selected Kamala to oversee a few minor problems at our southern border.  It was an inspired assignment.  Due to her nurturing nature, Kamala would be the perfect person to comfort the 13,000 children being kenneled at the border.  She was uniquely qualified to ensure a much more humane experience at the border for our welcome but uninvited guests.  Unfortunately, Kamala had to decline this assignment because she had housework to do.  I understand that the V.P. mansion remodel is going well.

The caregiver that she is, Kamala is accompanying Joe everywhere he goes.  Whenever he’s seen in public, Kamala is standing dutifully behind him.  The only thing missing is a hooded cloak and a scythe.   The next time Joe takes a tumble down a jetway, Kamala is prepared to lend immediate Article 25 assistance.

Like the Kennedys before her, Kamala will return the proper decorum to the White House.  The people’s house will once again be filled with laughter — even if it is somewhat inappropriate.  She will be a model of progressive women for decades to come — caregiver, homemaker, and obedient to the wishes of the men in her life.

The Democrats already elevated a black man to the presidency.  With Kamala’s swearing-in, they will have done so with a female as well.  To prove their intersectionality bona fides, they’ll need to accomplish the same with a man calling himself female next.  How does a President Rachel Levine strike you?

Postscript:  Before readers let the angry emails fly, I’d just like to point out that this article is purely satire.  I consider women superior to men in every way.  Did I say that right, honey?