Home >> Humor/Satire >> Strange Times: Weinstein, Hillary, the NFL and aliens (yes, there are differences)

Strange Times: Weinstein, Hillary, the NFL and aliens (yes, there are differences)

Former Hollywood big shot and alleged serial sexual abuser Harvey Weinstein reportedly checked himself into an Arizona treatment facility in Arizona for sexual addiction recently. Word has it he stayed in the Tiger Woods honorary suite. Weinstein did take time out of his busy rehab schedule to participate in a ceremony where he got his own star on the Wickenburg Walk of Fame, right next to similar celebrity stars for Selena Gomez, Rush Limbaugh and Rusty, a longtime regular at the La Cabana saloon.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences booted Weinstein from its membership, indicating that it will not tolerate sexual abusers among its members. If that’s true, the Academy’s membership will very soon be reduced to two PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants and the guy who runs a food truck at Universal Studios.

With that in mind, expect the remake of Earnest Goes to Camp to be the big winner at next year’s Academy Awards.

So many Hollywood producers, directors and actors have recently been accused of sexual assault or at least serial groping that there may not be hardly anyone left to make movies. The only ones remaining will be second-year film students from USC and Ms. Melville’s 7th-grade theater class in Rapid City, South Dakota.

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The Clinton Foundation decided it would not return any donations received from Weinstein because…a Clinton returning money is as likely as Dracula sunbathing.

Speaking of the Clintons and money (the two are always joined at the hip like Michael Moore and a big plate of super nachos), news reports surfaced indicating that the Russians tossed millions at the Clinton Foundation shortly before Secretary of State Hillary Clinton signed off on giving Russia access to a bunch of our uranium. What a coincidence. What are the odds? It was only Putin, what could go wrong? It’s not like the Russians would ever do anything nefarious, like posting Facebook ads or something.

The NFL still can’t decide if it actually likes America or not. The league and its owners seem to think that disrespecting the United States plays well on both coasts where, you know, all the best parties are. Perhaps so, but the league would be wise to consider two things:

1. For the people who live on Martha’s Vineyard, the ratings for NFL games fall well below anything that appears on PBS, including Antique Roadshow.
2. Los Angeles residents have traditionally been so disinterested in the NFL that they didn’t even realize the Rams had skipped town for over 20 years.

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Colin Kaepernick sued the NFL claiming collusion among the owners. As a starter for the San Francisco 49ers in 2016, Kaepernick won one more game (one) than I did. Hey, Kap, the Canadian Football League is always looking for players, perhaps even you. And they don’t even play our national anthem before games there. I hear good things about the weather in Saskatchewan this time of year.

Florida Republican congressional candidate Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera claims to have been abducted by aliens when she was seven-years-old. Apparently, they still chat regularly and are certainly Facebook friends. She is hoping that her outer worldview will lead her to the GOP nomination. Nonetheless, poll watchers will closely monitor to ferret out any fraudulent voters from the planet Voltron.

Hillary Clinton won’t go away. She’s still annoying and she still lost. And, she says, it’s still not her fault. She recently appeared on the Tonight Show where several female writers for the show penned thank you letters to her. I have composed my own:

Thank you, Hillary, for being the worst presidential candidate in the history of bad presidential candidates. The country thanks you. Sure, William Jennings Bryan lost three times, but even he had the decency to slink away for a while after he lost an election. You’ve been to more states to promote your crummy book than you did when you ran for president.

California became the first state to legally recognize a third gender. Harvey Weinstein is reportedly excited about the mathematical possibilities. Still, this pales in comparison to Australia, where a few years ago the University of Sydney’s gender survey included 57 different possible options.

The third gender option in California will officially be known as “the artist formerly known as Prince.” Further, any improper use of the “his” or “her” pronouns will be illegal and only the proper pronoun “pfffft” will be acceptable. On the bright side, well, there is no bright side so…never mind.

Faster than you can say “Super-size it” Chicago dumped its citywide soda tax that went into effect just this past August. The city of Santa Fe, where Republicans are rarer than Bigfoot sightings, recently took similar action. Apparently, even liberals don’t like taxes that actually, you know, affect them. Go figure!

Hillary Clinton still won’t go away. She recently broke her toe while in London on her book tour. We all anxiously await her next book What Happened (to My Foot). Naturally, she will blame the Russians, Steve Bannon, Fox News and James Comey for colluding to knock her down the stairs.

Speaking of the Russians, it has been reported that it was the Clinton (remember her?) campaign and the Democratic National Committee that funded the widely discredited “Russian dossier” on Trump during the 2016 campaign. It turns out that some Russians will lie for money. And the more you pay, the more they lie. Who knew? It’s like they were politicians or something.

The story was in the news for about a week, yet CNN had devoted a total of four minutes to it. But, that is 28 minutes in dog years!

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About Curtice Mang

Curtice Mang is the author of two books, The Constitution - I'm Not Kidding and Other tales of Liberal Folly and The Smell of Politics: The Good, The Bad and The Odorous. He is a regular contributor of commentary and political satire to multiple websites. He lives in Phoenix with his wife.
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