Tag Archives: teanami

Ex-lax and Quarters: Initiating Noob Voters

Upon completion of Boot Camp, new soldiers in the Israel Defense Force (IDF) hike to the top of an isolated mountain fortress. The fortress is Masada – where in 73 A.D. a group of Jewish rebels committed mass suicide rather than allow themselves to be taken prisoners or killed by the Roman Legion besieging them. Once the IDF soldiers reach the summit they participate in a ceremony initiated by former Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Dayan. Considered sacred ground by Israelis, Masada was chosen by the IDF for swearing-in ceremonies because of its rich heritage in Jewish history. At the conclusion of the ceremony the newly-minted soldiers cry out “Masada Shall Not Fall Again!”

Given the collective national nightmare currently being endured by the citizens of the United States of America, perhaps a similar ceremony should be held for all teenagers when they reach their 18th birthdays – voting age. It would be an awe-inspiring ritual designed to ingrain within young minds full of mush the idea that freedom isn’t cheaply won.

Before sunrise on their 18th birthdays a bus stops in front of each teenager’s home. Rustled from bed by a driver with such ginormous ears that even the dudes at IHOP would be like ‘daaayyyyymmmm!’  – Each young adult is handed a Slurpee and then told to sit in the back of the bus. Why, you ask? – Because the front seats are already filled with commies, scum-sucking liberals, socialists, Marxists, illegal aliens, and Jerold Nadler, not necessarily in that order. A bus is the preferred method of transport cuz’ it’s considered the worst way of getting a murdered corpse to its dump site. It’s like “dude let’s not take the bus. This corpse ain’t getting any fresher!” Besides, there’s plenty of room under it – More on that later.

Minutes later, a herd of Skittles-pooping purple unicorns charges out from under a rainbow, while tooting their own horns. Mimicking the aggressive nature of snipes, which have been known to attack RVs, the unicorns ram the right side of the bus again and again, forcing those in the back to cower near the emergency exit while hugging Nancy Pelosi. Eventually, all the unicorns wander off, leaving the noobs holding the bag. Of course, by this time the Slurpees are almost gone – which royally sucks.

Before starting out again, the driver passes out bottles of Ex-lax and rolls of quarters. Each noob is then told to swallow the quarters, washing each coin down with a big swig of the laxative. Now, properly filled with Hope and Change, the new recruits are ready for the next stage – which goes quite smoothly at times.

Upon arrival at a make-believe voting precinct the young minds full of mush (hmmm, same thing could be said for their colons) are ordered out of the bus and then intimidated by members of the New Black Panther Party.  Police arrive on the scene almost immediately, along with a judge, who sets up a Kangaroo court. The newly-arrested Black Panthers are tried and sentenced by the judge. Just when it appears all is lost – Eric Holder appears, sprinkles fairy dust on the Black Panthers and declares them innocent – although they’ve just been convicted. Inspired by the turn of events, the Black Panthers head back out to the parking lot to await the next group of pimply-faced teens.

Ready or not, the noobs are ushered into the actual voting location. Here they are instructed that voting is a privilege given to a citizen to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Example: Guy A: Who are you voting for? Guy B: I am going to vote for Barack Obama for ’09. Like the dudes at IHOP said, ‘daaayyyyymmmm!’

Now they are instructed in the fine art of voting. A popular belief among noobs is dispelled. It seems young-uns think that they elect the president directly. Wrong! You actually choose people to vote, called electors. These electors promise that if they are elected, they will vote for a specific candidate. However, they do not have to hold to this, and last minute bribes can be done. If there is enough time, the youngsters enter the Holodeck, where they get the chance to visit Las Vegas and experience massive voter fraud first-hand. Sharon may have had her Angle, but Hairy had his Reed. Money can buy anything, including ballots.  Noobs are taught to vote early, and often! They are instructed in the fine arts of voting while dead, voting while in prison, voting in multiple precincts, and impersonating an elections official. This is all done while Hippies in the background chant “We want it all! We want it all! We want it all! And we want it now!” Apologies to Queen.

Now comes the fun part. The Black Panthers come in, demand cash from the noobs, and then give it to union workers, who have been out back smoking a few joints. This leads to a group discussion on socialism. Some noob points out that a socialist is just a person who thinks that the hard working people should share their paychecks with their lazy neighbors, just because they have more money. At that point the noob gets knee-capped. And the poor noob has to pay for his own health care because there is no more money in Obama’s stash, or something.

At this point the noobs are in the proper state of mind for a serious discussion on Barack Insane Obama – the Messiah for brain-dead Democrats.  Now the tables start to be turned. The grope leader (oops, sorry Bill Clinton), I meant “group” leader, explains that Obama is a term for taking from one group and giving to another with no rhyme or reason, other than to buy votes. The recipients of such largesse then typically spend their Obama money on smokes, booze, or lottery tickets. For example: I got my Obama check today. I gonna go buy some cigarettes and beer now.

By now the quarters start popping out with such force that they embed themselves in the Hippies leaning up against the wall facing the noobs’ buttocks. The noobs are anxious to peek at the peace-loving mess but the group leaders show them no quarter. Now that’s change we can believe in!

It’s been an exhausting day. But there is still one lesson to learn. The House of Representatives has been saved. The Senate isn’t quite within grasp. And Captain Kickass is still in the White House until 2012. Marched back out to the parking lot, the noobs are attacked by the Black Panthers and thrown under the Loser Cruiser. And then, broken but unbowed, and down but not out, the noobs finally get a clue. Their defiant voices are heard coming from under the bus. “The United States shall not fall again!”

It was all worth it. Noobs no longer, the new voters take their places alongside their elders, ready to do battle in 2012. Coming at you, Barry! Teanami, the Movie…take two!

Time to Kick some Liberal Ash

Indonesia isn’t the only place on earth with an active volcano. There’s another one set to explode on November 2, 2010. Geologists tell us that Democrats are already spewing flames; getting all worked up to pop their tops come Tuesday. But conservatives have the perfect response to the coming meltdown. Word on the street has it that the Tea Party is truly going to kick some serious ash!

Kicking AshThis conservative pyroclastic flow has been pent up for nearly two years. The pressure has been steadily increasing and the flow has become impossible to contain. The neat thing about a pyroclastic flow is that the turbulent mixture of Republicans, Independents, Libertarians, reborn conservatives, constitutional enthusiasm, and unsorted patriotic emotions can move at high speed. This means that in a single day the volcanic patriotic votes will move East to West: obliterating socialism from Pennsylvania to Ohio, from Utah to Nevada, and from Kentucky, to Florida – where Charlie Crist will be burned to a crisp by a harmonic tremor; a continuous release of conservative seismic energy emitted by the underground Tea Party movement of political magma. Now dude! That is going to be one sweet blast!

Pollsters in Massachusetts report that Barney Frank’s campaign headquarters has been identified as a central point in a New England Ring of Fire. Normally associated (pun intended – think about it) with Frank’s hemorrhoids, the ring of fire will be quenched by a plug – solidified Republican lava that is predicted to fill the conduit to Frank’s volcano. The Sean Bielat plug, as it has become known in geologic circles, first manifested itself when it plugged up Martha Coakley’s quest to fill Ted Kennedy’s seat (another intended pun) with a hard core Scott Brown. Now the plug, usually more resistant to electoral erosion than the sputtering froth spewing from Frank’s bombastic cone – will hopefully be left standing – a solitary pinnacle to conservatism in Frank’s Congressional District when the rest of Frank’s hedonistic rhetoric has eroded away.

In a first for Wisconsin, the pyroclastic flow is expected to cut more than just cheese in the upper Midwest. Russ Feingold, the liberal incumbent Senator from Wisconsin, is scheduled to be squeezed by a heterolithologic mix of different voter types. Instead of being voted out by disgruntled conservatives, Feingold will fall Tuesday to a coalition of disgruntled Democrats, infuriated Tea Partiers, angry independents, and the occasional soccer mom. After the pyroclastic flow hits Milwaukee, the only course left for Feingold will be to ride out of town on a blazing hot Harley Davidson, with a backpack of old limburger leaving no doubt that Feingold took one too many left turns.

For sheer pleasure, the pyroclastic flow will cover San Francisco, where Nancy Pelosi is steadfastly refusing to admit that her ash is getting kicked.  What’s more, when she returns to the halls of Congress for the Lame Duck session, it is widely anticipated that her ash is going to get kicked again and again. First, she will lose her position as Speaker of the House – a position she has used and abused. Second, Democrats are in revolt over their losses and will likely kick Pelosi’s ash themselves, perhaps even denying her the position of Minority Leader. Geologists predict that Pelosi’s face is going to crack under the pressure, creating a pit crater formed by the Botox sinking deep into her skin – which will prevent her from venting any more of her eruptions. Pelosi will find herself square in the middle of a rift zone, which is a zone of liberal volcanic features associated with underlying dykes…uh, strike that…meant underlying dikes. Impartial observers will be able to detect Pelosi’s location in the political mess by marking her cracks, faults, and vents. Considering the plethora of such things on her face, it is anticipated that NASA will forego the cost of putting more satellites in geosynchronous orbit and instead triangulate Pelosi’s face to create the first liberal GPS system.

And let us not forget Searchlight, Nevada. It seems the entire pyroclastic flow is aimed right at Harry’s Reed! It will be so hot that the Reed is going to go limp. Harry will run but there will be no place to hide. It has been eons since Searchlight has been flooded, but all things come to those who wait. Searchlight is going to be drenched by a Teanami. Can you say “two of every kind?”

Meanwhile, back at the White House, or perhaps even in India, a splatter cone will erupt. The socialist splatter cone will be identified by a low, steep-sided cone of splatter denial built up on a fissure or vent of unrestrained paranoia and narcissism. Noises usually associated with splatter cones include “What, Me Worry?” and “They are going to have to negotiate with me cuz’ I’m still the president!” The White House Press Corp(se)men will rush to explain away the splatter cone to a gullible public. The Lame Stream Media will rationalize the presence of the splatter cone with excuses such as “the minions are angry, uneducated morons who don’t appreciate the brilliance of Dear Leader,” and “Let them eat cake!” However, the public is gullible no more and a subduction zone is predicted to occur with the socialist tectonic plate being overridden by the Tea Party tectonic plate, which is an irresistible force slamming into an entirely movable object.  Despite the massive collision of tectonic plates creating the subduction zone; the tilt of the Obama Administration is going to tilt even more to the left. This tilt will remain firmly in place until 2012 when, geologists say, it will be utterly and completely destroyed by a Tuff ring – a wide-eyed, low-rimmed, well-embedded accumulation of conservative anger built around a volcanic vent located at the U.S. Capitol and aimed directly at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Scientists claim that the Tuff ring will emit such an eruption that those who flee to Chicago might as well continue on to Kenya, because the ejecta will make it unsafe for liberals most everywhere in North America. The commies and tree-huggers may well be forced underground with their little RINO friends, to spend the rest of their miserable lives wondering how they cratered in such a spectacular manner in such a short timeframe.

Two years of living through a communist nightmare has turned the American public into this irresistible force. As disasters go, the Obama regime has been a classic. But out of desperation and necessity the American people are rising up. Election Day is Tuesday. Redemption is here. There is nowhere for the socialists to hide. The Teanami has just reached shore. The waves are piling up so high that Donkeys no longer have time to learn how to swim.

America, this is your time. You are the ones you’ve been waiting for. Get down and dirty. Go kick some liberal ash!

The election is so close that even Barack can see it from his house. Coming at cha’, Barry. It is too late to hide, Barack.  You should have listed to Noah. Oh well, live and learn.

Ark, Ark!