Tag Archives: satire

Emperor Obama’s New Clothes

A new Fairy Tale for America, adapted from Hans Christian Andersen’s classic, “The Emperor’s New Clothes”.

The cast of characters:
Emperor = President Obama
The Emperor’s new clothes = Obamacare (aka Affordable Care Act)
The Minister = Vice President Biden
Chancellor = Eric Holder
The Swindlers = Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid
Little Boy = John Boehner

H/T White House Dossier

The Constitution – I’m Not Kidding!

Curtice Mang has an interesting sense of humor. He is not crass like a Todd Kincannon, and is not utterly dismissive of liberals like Kurt Schlichter. However, in his book The Constitution – I’m Not Kidding! And Other Tales of Liberal Folly, Mang places the follies of liberal policies in simplistic terms that can leave any conservative ready to deal with dimwitted progressives at will. Whether it’s dealing with the attitude of entitlement, justification of pork barrel spending, climate change loons, or insane foreign policy choices, there is something for conservatives to hurl back at progressives.

One point that Mang makes early on in his book – in the Introduction no less – is something that should resonate with any conservative that has been faced with dealing with the questionable logic of liberals when it comes to government in general:

It is more important to be earnest, to care, to “do something.” A typical liberal solution goes something like this:

  • a. A perceived problem is identified;
  • b. Pass legislation addressing the perceived problem;
  • c. New legislation either does not solve perceived problem or creates new, unintended problem(s);
  • d. Repeat b and c.
  • The book, of course is titled after Nancy Pelosi’s historic nonsensical speech about having to pass Obamacare to know what’s in it, and that is the topic of the first chapter. Of course, that details the ridiculous stupidity of progressives today, describing how they either believe that healthcare must be more complex than creating a whole new form of government. Or you can take the colossally stupid explanation for why the Affordable Care Act is so long in comparison with the Constitution and the Federalist Papers combined – the legislation was double-spaced.

    But Mang does not restrict himself to the stupidity of liberals when it comes to the Constitution, of course. He covers several other topics, including the ones already listed, plus a few others including Gitmo and Joe Biden. Throughout, there are footnotes of a sort, but most of them are personal asides, or sports trivia. While it is not a compilation of “zingers”, it definitely can be the inspiration for many, given the right circumstances. It is an enjoyable read, and definitely is more amusing than watching Piers Morgan try to match wits with… well… anyone.

    The eHarmony/Match.com alternative: Te’ocatfish.com

    It didn’t take long for the spoofs to start.

    YouTube Description:

    eHarmony has 29 levels of compatibility and Match.com thinks you can “Make Love Happen Today”… the only problem is, both companies expect you to fill out complicated dating forms that take forever to complete… We think we’ve figured out what happened to Manti Te’o… he just chose the wrong dating service… apparently there’s a reason you take the time to fill out those never ending forms.

    The Progressive Bible: Al Gore and the Yacht

    al_gore_prophetChapter 6

    6:1 And it came to pass, when men began to overpopulate the face of the earth, and filthy human children were born unto them,

    6:2 That the sons of Obama saw that the human children were too many; and they clamored for him to declare a one child policy.

    6:3 And Obama said, My soaring oratory shall not always strive with man, for he is but flesh: yet my days in office shall be but fourteen hundred and sixty days. Yea, it is better to implement abortion on demand.

    6:4 There were giant welfare payments in those days; and also after that, when the sons of Obama came on to the daughters of men, and they bare children to them; Obama was unto them all their sugar daddy.

    6:5 And Obama saw that the laziness of man was great in the earth, and the only channels man watched were ESPN and Playboy continually. They seemed not to care any longer for his continual prime-time speeches.

    6:6 And it repented Obama that he was president over the entire earth, and it grieved him in his heart.

    6:7 And Obama said, I will destroy the men whom do not approve of my job performance from the face of the earth; both men, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; all the ugly animals (though not the cute ones, which have protected status) for it repenteth him that he were president over them.

    6:8 But Al Gore found grace in the eyes of Obama.

    6:9 These are the generations of Gore: Gore was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Gore walked with Obama.

    6:10 And Gore begat three sons, Jones, Mann, and Hansen.

    6:11 The earth also was corrupt before Obama, and the earth was filled with carbon dioxide.

    6:12 And Obama looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for the unfettered free market had corrupted all upon the earth.

    6:13 And Obama said unto Gore, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with carbon dioxide through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with global warming.

    6:14 Find thee a luxury yacht of non-petroleum based polymers; viewing rooms for thy movie An Inconvenient Truth shalt thou make in the yacht, and thou shalt pitch it within and without with used car salesman-like aplomb.

    6:15 And this is the fashion of the yacht which thou shalt find: The length of the yacht shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.

    6:16 A big screen home theater shalt thou make in the yacht, and with projectors and power-point presentations though shalt fill it; and thou shalt quote nodding scientific experts; with clever editing and false images shalt thou make thy them.

    6:17 And, behold, man shall bring upon himself a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die until all shall call upon me for mercy, and I shall lower the waters.

    6:18 But with thee will I establish a climate exchange; and thou shalt come in with me in my venture, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives with thee.

    6:19 And every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the yacht, to keep them alive with thee; two each of undisclosed gender.

    6:20 Of penguins after their kind, and polar bears after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.

    6:21 And take thou unto thee some granola, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.

    6:22 Thus did Gore; according to all that Obama commanded him, so did he.

    Chapter 7

    7:1 And Obama said unto Gore, Come thou all into thy viewing room in the yacht; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.

    7:2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens: and of beasts that are not clean by two.

    7:3 Of penguins also by sevens; to keep their seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

    7:4 For yet seven days, it will rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance shall be wiped off the face of the earth.

    7:5 And Gore did according unto all that Obama commanded him.

    7:6 And Gore’s movie was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.

    7:7 And Gore went in, and his sons, and his ex-wife Tipper, and his sons’ wives with him, and his masseuse, into the yacht, because of the waters of the flood.

    7:8 Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,

    7:9 There went in two and two unto Gore into the yacht, as Obama had commanded Gore.

    7:10 And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.

    7:11 In the six hundredth year of Gore’s movie, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.

    7:12 And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

    7:13 In the selfsame day entered Gore, and Hansen, and Mann, and Joneseth, the sons of Gore, his masseuse, and Gore’s ex-wife Tipper, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the yacht;

    7:14 They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort, and especially penguins.

    7:15 And they went in unto Gore into the yacht, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.

    7:16 And they that went in, went in as Obama had commanded him: and he shut him in.

    7:17 And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the luxury yacht, and it was lifted up above the earth.

    7:18 And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the yacht went upon the face of the waters.

    7:19 And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the metropolitan areas, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.

    7:20 Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and even the Himalayan icecaps were covered.

    7:21 And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:

    7:22 All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.

    7:23 And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Gore only remained alive, and they that were with him in the yacht.

    7:24 And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.

    Chapter 8

    8:1 And Obama remembered Gore, and every living thing, and all the other animals that were with him in the yacht: and Obama passed wind over the earth, and the waters assuaged;

    8:2 The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven Obama stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;

    8:3 And Obama lifted his hand and the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.

    8:4 And the yacht rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountain Ismellarat.

    8:5 And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.

    8:6 And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Gore opened the window of the yacht which he had borrowed from his friend John Kerry:

    8:7 And he sent forth a polar bear, which swam forth to and fro on ice chunks, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.

    8:8 Also he sent forth a penguin from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;

    8:9 But the polar bear found no rest from its swimming, and returned unto him into the luxury yacht, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took the bear, and pulled it unto him into the yacht.

    8:10 And the bear stayed yet another seven days; and again he sent forth the polar bear out of the yacht;

    8:11 And the bear came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in its mouth was a baby seal head: so Gore knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.

    8:12 And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the bear; which returned not again unto him any more.

    8:13 And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year since the release of Gore’s movie, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Gore opened up the sun roof of the yacht, and he stood and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.

    8:14 And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.

    8:15 And Obama spake unto Gore, saying,

    8:16 Go forth of the yacht, thou, and thy ex-wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives, and thy masseuse with thee.

    8:17 Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.

    8:18 And Gore went forth, with his masseuse, and his sons, and his ex-wife, and his sons’ wives with him:

    8:19 Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the yacht.

    8:20 And Gore built an altar unto the sun god; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.

    8:21 And Obama smelled a sweet savour, somewhat like southern BBQ; and Obama asked himself, why was I not invited? There can be no other gods but me! Then again, is there not enough room for cultural diversity? he reflected. I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. There are death panels for that.

    8:22 While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. But we can always blame man for it.

    Chapter 9

    9:1 And Obama blessed Gore and his sons, and said unto them, Be deceitful, and always lie, and prevaricate upon the earth.

    9:2 And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every small business owner, and upon every corporate CEO, upon all that tradeth upon the earth, and upon all the enterprises of the earth; into your hand are they delivered.

    9:3 Everything that produceth carbon dioxide shall be for thee a source of revenue; even as the green herb has given you all thy inspiration.

    9:4 And human flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall itself be taxed until it is no longer a source of pollution.

    9:5 And surely the blood of your lives will the earth’s balance require; for the benefit of every beast shall it require it; and for the sake of all living things will I require the life of man.

    9:6 Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, is doing the earth a great service: for man is but a feeding parasite, who never resteth.

    9:7 And you, be ye deceitful, and always lie; bring forth lies abundantly in the earth, and multiply them therein.

    9:8 And Obama spake unto Gore, and to his sons with him, saying,

    9:9 And I, behold, I establish my climate exchange with you, and with your seed after you;

    9:10 And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the yacht, to every beast of the earth.

    9:11 And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth. For with a wave of my hand, I have lowered the oceans and the seas.

    9:12 And Obama said, This billion dollar grant is a token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, except mankind, for perpetual generations:

    9:13 I will set my climate exchange in Chicago, and it shall be a source of endless revenue and wealth redistribution upon the earth. For the sin against climate is great, and demands redistribution.

    9:14 And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the smiling face of Gore shall be seen in the sky, and I shall make a promise to his descendants of multiple trillions of dollars in the form of a rainbow:

    9:15 And I will remember my covenant to make thee a climate exchange, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh, but mankind; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.

    9:16 And the rainbow promise will ensure that anyone who lacks faith in manmade climate change shall be ostracized and denied academic tenure; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between me and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth, save mankind.

    9:17 And Obama said unto Gore, This  rainbow is the token of the covenant, which I have established with the environmentalist lobby.

    Read other chapters of The Progressive Bible:

    The Progressive Bible: Obama in the Garden of Eden

    ObamaGodChapter 2

    2:4 These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that Obama promised to make a heaven on earth,

    2:5 And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before his pot-smoking worshipers smoked them: for Obama had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a real man to till the ground.

    2:6 But there went up a mist from the earth, as if the earth itself were crying, and watered the whole face of the ground.

    2:7 And Obama hired a government subcontractor to find a man to till the ground, and the subcontractor found a man; and the man became a lifelong SEIU member.

    2:8 And Obama had his tree czar bid the SEIU man plant a garden on the East lawn in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had contracted.

    2:9 And out of the ground Obama told the man to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and yields only certified organic food; the tree of endless money also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

    2:10 And a twenty million dollar fountain was built in Eden to water the garden; and it spilled over into aquifers, which nourished the entire garden. …

    2:15 And Obama told his tree czar to take the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

    2:16 And Obama commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat without surtax, that is how generous I am:

    2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof the progressive movement shalt surely die.

    2:18 And Obama said, It is not good that this SEIU man should be alone; I will form a government commission to find a help meet for him.

    2:19 And in the garden Obama placed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. These were the first endangered species.

    2:20 And Adam gave names to all polar bears, and to the titwillows of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

    2:21 And Obama gave a lengthy oratory and caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his testes, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

    2:22 And from the testicle, which Obama had taken from man, he had a government scientist make another man (in order not to discriminate on the basis of gender or sexual preference), and a blue ribbon government panel brought him unto the man.

    2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: he shall be called man, because he was taken out of a Man, man.

    2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his civil partner: and they shall be one flesh.

    2:25 And they were both naked, the man and his significant other, and were not ashamed.

    Chapter 3

    3:1 Now the serpent named Rahm was more subtle than any beast of the field which Obama had procured. And he said unto the new man, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

    3:2 And the new man said unto the serpent Rahm, “Hith, hith, little snake! We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

    3:3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest progressives die.”

    3:4 And the serpent said unto the new man, Ye shall not surely die:

    3:5 For Obama doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good from evil, and truth from bullshit. And after all, if you don’t eat it, I’ll have someone cut you.

    3:6 And when the new man saw that the tree seemed to be good, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one popular, he took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto his civil partner; and he did eat.

    3:7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves chaps.

    3:8 And they heard the voice of Obama walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his civil partner hid themselves from the presence of Obama amongst the trees of the garden.

    3:9 And Obama called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

    3:10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

    3:11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? There are no moral standards in the garden of Eden! Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

    3:12 And the man said, The new man whom thou gavest to be with me, he gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

    3:13 And Obama said unto the new man, What is this that thou hast done? And the new man said, The serpent Rahm beguiled me to eat it or else, and I did eat.

    3:14 And Obama said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all Congressional pages, and above every White House intern; upon thy belly shalt thou go as my chief of staff, and dead fish shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

    3:15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman Hillary, and between thy seed and her seed; she shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt lick her heels.

    3:16 Unto the new man he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and forbid conception; in vain thou shalt strive to bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

    3:17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy civil partner, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the television for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou suffer commercials all the days of thy life;

    3:18 Video games and pornos shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt smoke the herb of the field;

    3:19 With the sweaty palm of your remote hand shalt thou eat Cheetos, till thou cease receiving welfare checks; for out of Social Security wast some money taken: for a ward of the state thou art, and from the cradle to the grave a ward of the state shalt thou return.

    3:20 And Adam called his civil partner’s name Steve; because that happened to be the first name he could think of.

    3:21 Unto Adam also and to Steve did Obama give them gift certificates to a nice leather shoppe, and so he clothed them.

    3:22 And Obama said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil, and to ignore it: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of endless money, and spend like there’s no tomorrow for ever:

    3:23 Therefore Obama sent him forth from the garden of Eden, and the garden fell into grave disrepair, despite numerous spending projects and government programs.

    3:24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden a secret service detail, and ease-dropping satellites which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of endless money.

    Read other chapters of The Progressive Bible:


    The Necrobamacon

    As the armies of Obama zombies mount their ravenous war against the one percenters, their mouths drooling with the red inklike slobber of human blood, the forbidden book at the mysterious power source of the Cthulhu cult has been unearthed — the Necrobamacon.

    This mysterious grimoire of arcane magic weaves hypnotic memes of politically correct jargon, undecypherable codes of hypocritical conduct, and the necromancy of class warfare into a single, handy guide to modern liberalism. Its profane contents are hereby put on display for a psychically unprepared public, lest future generations — if there be any — blame us for doing nothing to stem the tide of the Obamazombiepocalypse.

    With no further ado, Klaata Baracka Nicto:

    The wizard Soroaster has thus cast this spell to enchant the mindless drones to worship The One, who shalt be called Obamus. The book of his incantations shalt be called the Necrobamacon.

    Legions of our followers shalt not ask too many questions, nor fight amongst themselves. Feminists shalt fight for equal rights and respect, but shalt not ask too many questions of black gangsta rappers who call them “B*tches” and “Hos.” We shall brainwash them into thinking only their vaginas matter. Abortion is awesome. Free condoms, war on women and ya-ta-ya-ta-ya-ta.

    African-Americans shall fight for equal rights and tolerance, except for the gays and the “B*tches” and “Hos” in their rap songs. We will enslave the black people with welfare and drive up their unemployment. Our brightest economic advisers will model the United States on the Democrats’ success in inner city Detroit and Baltimore.

    The gays shall be tolerant of all other people, except for the Christians whose churches want to be left out of sanctioning  gay “marriage.” Gay shall no longer mean “happy,” but homosexual.

    Convince the many that even though no one has killed a Muslim in the U.S. for revenge against acts of terrorism, and Islamists have killed thousands of Americans, that Muslims are the victimized ones. Even if Muslims slaughter them by the thousand, always act like Christians are the oppressors, and Muslims are the poor oppressed minority — of one billion people worldwide.

    The Jews shall adore the Democrat Party, even when it slams Israel and praises Muslims, whose more radical followers are rabidly anti-semitic. Since Israel is made up of capitalist Jews, they shall be responsible for all the terrorists of the Middle East. We will take the Jews’ money and laugh. Ha ha ha.

    Latinos shall be convinced that a country that has allowed more than the population of some Latin American countries to immigrate to America without documents is actually a racist society and white Republicans who want to see some ID want to suppress their vote. IDs shall become known as “racist.”

    Environmentalists shall be for saving the planet (except from us). Billions will tremble in fear over a trace chemical that doubles as plant food. They will feel the guilt of breathing and pooping without government permission.

    We shall make white suburban folks feel ashamed of past sins like slavery and conquering land, which they had nothing to do with. This will make them want to vote for minorities. Any minorities. Just because we said so.

    The Democrat Party shalt be for the little guy, except for the individual, who is a selfish parasite of worthless value, and one to be disposed of without a second thought.

    We shall take from rich people and give to the poor people; this shall be called “social justice.” The villainous one-percent will not count left-wing directors, producers, actors, singers, and musicians. Or corporate bigwigs who give to the Democrat Party, whose corporations shall be tax-exempt. Or evil billionaire philanthropists. Or people who run left-wing trusts and non-profits.Or green energy titans. Or the prophets of manmade global warming pseudepigrapha. Or even Obamus himself.

    Basically, all members of the Democrat Party shalt be exempt from these laws as Obamathustra sees fit.

    This law-bringer shall suspend the laws of economics. He shalt turn poverty into prosperity with his magic welfare wand. He shall produce much through the government, and shall raise the GDP levels through sheer charisma. He will charm the deficit away with a devil-may-care grin. Because he is cool, the people will like him, and that means nothing bad will ever happen to them.

    Obama shall rule them, and they will be grateful. They will trade their freedoms for the false promise of socialism, and will thank him for the tablescraps he tosses their way when poverty comes upon them like an armed man.

    President Obama Decrees 19 Laws of Economics

    President Obama decreed the following 19 laws of economics:

    1. Everyone should get everything for free without paying for it.
    2. Anyone should be able to demand that other people work to pay for his wants and needs.
    3. Making people work to support their own lives is mean and is therefore unnecessary.
    4. If someone forces others to work for him, it shall be known as slavery. If citizens force others to work for them through democratic government, it shall be called “social justice.”
    5. If someone wants to keep his own money, it shall be labeled “greed.” If some with less money want to take away from those with more money, that shall be called “fairness.”
    6. Politicians know more than the people themselves what are their wants and needs.
    7. Healthcare is a right, so anyone can demand that another citizen provide him free medical treatment on the spot and it is illegal to refuse.
    8. Housing is a right, so if you don’t have a home, force your neighbor to build one for you.
    9. Wages are arbitrary, and therefore, everyone deserves a raise.
    10. Debt is irrelevant, so we’re just going to pretend it’s not there.
    11. If you don’t feel like working, just retire, because it doesn’t matter how many people are supporting your needs.
    12. It doesn’t matter what country you’re from, we will give you money, whether or not you put anything into the economy.
    13. A job is a right, so everyone is now officially working for the government.
    14. All monopolies are outlawed, except for the government, which has a monopoly of coercion.
    15. If a citizen takes something by force, it shall be known as theft. If the government takes something by force, it shall be called “redistributive justice.”
    16. Taxing the rich will pay for all of our wants and needs forever.
    17. Success shall be punished, and failure rewarded.
    18. Hard work and talent shall be compensated with higher taxes, and mediocre work and idleness shall be compensated with government handouts.
    19. The only thing one must do to sustain these laws of economics is to continue voting Democrat.

    BREAKING: Mainstream Media Uncovers Looming “Fiscal Cliff,” Overlooks “Fiscal Abyss”

    Mainstream media outlets are now warning of the United States’ impending “fiscal cliff” after months of vigorous investigative journalism and heated legal battles forced the Obama administration to grant a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request for documents detailing federal budget projections.

    The subject documents, which have been publicly available through the Congressional Budget Office’s (CBO) website, like, forever, show that the federal government’s financial outlook has been Wile E. Coyote-ing over a “fiscal abyss” long before President Obama was re-elected on November 6th, 2012.

    Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary and communications director for the Guild of Mainstream Media Outlets, explained during a November 14th press conference, “We are facing an unprecedented fiscal state of affairs and the President is ready to address this very important issue. We applaud the media for bringing the issue into Americans’ homes.”

    In response to an inquiry from a reporter with The Laissez Faire regarding the timing of media’s coordinated announcement of the newly discovered “fiscal cliff,” Carney responded by growing a mischievous smirk, covering his mouth with both hands, and squeaking “Tee-Hee, Tee-Hee!” before gleefully frolicking off the press stage.

    The looming “fiscal cliff” refers to the short-term projected economic impact of 1) allowing the Bush-era tax cuts and payroll tax cuts to expire and 2) the imposition of automatic spending cuts under the Budget Control Act of 2011 (i.e., the “sequestration” cuts that trim federal spending across the board resulting from an indecisive super-committee), both set to occur on January 1st, 2013, which the CBO predicts would result in a short-term drop of 0.5% in gross domestic product and an increase in unemployment to 9.1% by the end of 2013.

    However, reasonable economists across the country warn that the long-term federal budget outlook is far more dire than both CBO budget projections and the short-term impacts of the media’s newly discovered “fiscal cliff” might suggest.

    A group of renowned economists have expressed greater concern over a longer-term “fiscal abyss” in a recent white paper titled, “Holy Shit! Federal Government owes Nearly $100 Trillion!” The white paper cites a study by the non-partisan National Center for Policy Analysis which calculates an estimated $84 Trillion of unfunded federal liabilities (the study notes the $84 Trillion is a “conservative estimate”), a dismal outlook that far dwarfs the media’s conveniently timed announcement of the headline-hoarding “fiscal cliff.”

    R. Runner, Ph.D,  a senior research fellow at the Acme Institute of Super Obvious Studies, explained that the federal government “…simply makes too many promises that it can’t keep in the interest of political expediency; many of which are far contrary to the principles and ideas transcribed in the documents that founded this great country. And quite frankly,” he added, “their actions are immoral.”

    In a technicolorful analogy, Dr. Runner further noted that, “We’re not looking out toward some distant ‘fiscal cliff,’ or ‘fiscal abyss,’ whatever you want to call it. We’re beyond the land’s edge of any metaphorical ‘cliff.’ Much like the laws of physics would wait for Wile E. Coyote to process the fact that his chase led him over the edge of a canyon before applying the force of gravity, we’re now beginning to process the fact that the government’s promises are unsustainable and soon, like the ill-fated cartoon coyote, the laws of economics will catch up to us sending our economy plummeting to the bottom of our own fiscal canyon if drastic cuts in spending and vast reductions in scope of government do not happen soon.”

    Despite the media’s paltry attempt to bring relevant economic information to the citizens’ attention (coincidentally at the heels of a major presidential election), they failed to discuss the dismal long-term outlook beyond the impending ‘fiscal cliff.’ They further failed to discuss the implications of an ever-growing federal government made up of elected (and unelected) officials who continue to make short-term promises for political gains, meanwhile bludgeoning the principles of individual rights into a gory pulp of federally-mandated collectivism whose end game will necessarily be a two-class society: the underclass, and the political class.

    Crossposted at TruthInJest.

    Bizarro ‘Bama

    Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Corporate-backed fat cat politician runs on the Republican ticket in the most serious economic recession in 70 years. The boring old white guy is backed by Wall Street and promises to change Washington.

    This GOP neocon is a multi-millionaire one-percenter who donates very little to charity. Backed by special interests, he claims not to be controlled by lobbyists, but he meets with them frequently in secret. The man talks a big game about transparency, but refuses to make all of his records public. He pretends to be a moderate, but he’s actually an extremist wingnut.

    The slick politician comes into the presidency claiming to be a change from Bush, but he nevertheless copies his predecessor’s war-mongering ways. He continues the wars overseas and the civil liberties abuses. He supports the Patriot Act. Twice. And to top it off, he declares war on foreign soil without congressional authorization.

    The man triples down on the failed Bush policies of the past. Bailouts for bankster buddies, a trillion-dollar stimulus slush fund for his crony allies, and billions in green energy graft for campaign contributors. Although he promises to cut the deficit in half, he actually triples it. The man is synonymous with corruption, as he props up the “too big to fail” at the expense of the little guy.

    Then to top it off, this heartless Republican spends around ten work weeks on the golf course, meanwhile promising to work tirelessly to get people back to work. After getting bored with golf, he goes on the campaign trail about halfway into his presidency. He skips almost all of his jobs council meetings and his intelligence briefings for the rest of his term.

    Further economic disaster comes as tens of millions remain without work. The soulless politician says that the private sector is “doing just fine,” while record profits keep rolling into corporate coffers. The rest of the economy is dismal, as productivity declines and people give up even looking for work.

    The blue-blooded jerk then says that he is protecting the middle class, as average incomes drop some $4,300 and meanwhile, gas prices soar, food prices go through the roof, and utility bills skyrocket. Medical insurance jumps to astronomically high rates after he passes a gargantuan bill that was promoted by the insurance lobby.

    The bloodthirsty Republican drops bombs on villages in Third World countries, killing thousands of innocent people as “collateral damage.” The draft-dodging chicken hawk beats his chest over killing a Muslim holy man. And when he gets a “3 am call” at 9 pm requesting help from Navy SEALS trying to rescue a U.S. ambassador, he yawns and takes a nappy so that he can get ready for a fundraiser with millionaires and billionaires.

    Now consider that this politician is neither a “boring old white guy” nor a “Republican.” The man is Barack Hussein Obama. And you just re-elected him, America.

    Mind. Blown.

    Top World Reactions to Obama’s Re-election

    Celebrations spontaneously erupted in the Muslim World after learning the news that Obama will return to office.

    The terrorist community was exuberant that Obama will be back to provide more weapons-trafficking in the Middle East. Above is a photo of a Libyan militia member flashing the victory signal to the president.

    Russian strongman Vladimir Putin wept tears of joy that America’s most flexible president will be returning to compromise on missile defense, unilateral nuclear disarmament, and other international issues.

    Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez joined fellow Obama-endorser Vladimir Putin in giving a shout out to President Obama for his victory.

    President Obama took a bow before the Saudi Prince for running a brilliant campaign based on Big Bird, Mitt hates cookies, binders full of women, and horses and bayonets.

    African Americans for Obama proclaimed the end of racism by tweeting “f*ck white people.”

    Key Obama campaigner Beyonce Knowles tweeted out “Take that Mitches.” There’s no word if Jay-Z celebrated with another rendition of “99 Problems and Mitt Ain’t One.”

    Bits of protoplasm often mistaken for human beings partied at the idea of re-electing a president who supports their arbitrary termination.

    Children cried with joy at the thought of their debt burden skyrocketing over $200,000 per person for their age group.

    Mother Gaia gave an official press announcement thanking Obama for restoring rightful control over the earth’s climate to unelected bureaucrats in Washington.

    The devil was ecstatic over the election of a party that voted twice to remove God from its platform (before being overruled, of course).

    Baby vampire bats smiled approvingly at the Democrat voters who returned Obama to power.

    Lab Test Finds Traces of “Date-Rape Drug,” GHB, on Lena Dunham’s 2008 Election Ballot

    A recent Obama campaign ad featuring Lena Dunham, star and head writer of HBO’s hit series, Girls, likening her 2008 vote for Barack Obama to losing her virginity has come under fire as lab results uncovered traces of GHB, commonly referred to as the “date-rape drug,” on her 2008 presidential ballot.

    The subject campaign ad features a bubbly Dunham recalling her 2008 cherry-poppin’ curtain-drawin’ ballot-castin’ “first time” voting, during which she cast her vote for current President Barack Obama. During the ad’s minute-long virginity-surrendering intimation, Dunham explains to viewers that, “your first time shouldn’t be with just anybody. You want to do it with a great guy…somebody who really cares about you and understands women…[a guy who cares about] whether you get birth control…” among other fractured likenesses, concluding with, “before I was a girl. Now I was a woman. I voted for Barack Obama.”

    However, lab results just released by the Ohio State University Medical Center revealed that Dunham’s 2008 presidential ballot contained distinct traces of the date-rape drug, GHB. Dr. Keller Sterling, PhD., who led the test team at the Ohio State University lab, pre-refuted skeptics of his findings explaining that, “because the November 2008 ballot cannot urinate or otherwise extract any substances from itself whatsoever, the lapse of time between the administration of the drug and the testing date did not impair the purity of the sample.”

    The test results have effectively rendered the promiscuous Obama campaign ad baseless and left political pundits perplexed.

    Dunham’s 2008 election ballot is finally speaking out since being substantiated by the recently released lab results. The victimized ballot recalled his final memory from that fateful night, “I was relaxing in [Dunham’s] polling booth,” the ballot explained, “we were just talking over a casual drink…when, without warning, she turned around and snapped the polling booth curtains together in haste. She turned back and approched me with intent, grabbed me with both hands, flipped me over on my back and declaratively whispered, ‘tonight…I become a woman.’ I began shaking with fear, like a lonely loose-leaf in the trembling hands of a nervous orator; then, I felt the pressure of her pen making its uninvited contact with my body, which jolted me into a defensive fit and that’s when everything just went blank…I woke up the next day in the ballot-counting machine with a massive headache and dark black bruising in my ‘Barack Obama’ bubble…”

    Dunham did not return requests for comment. Sources close to Dunham are reporting that she has locked herself in her Brooklyn Heights apartment and is not allowing visitors since obtaining her 2012 absentee ballot nearly a week ago.

    Obama campaign manager and competitive ginger, Jim Messina, issued the following statement in response to the recent developments:

    The Obama 2012 reelection campaign is deeply troubled by the recent developments related to Lena Dunham’s questionable interaction with her 2008 presidential ballot. While the Obama campaign does not condone this type of promiscuous behavior outright, it would like to take this opportunity to remind voters: Psst! Hey! Free birth control over here!!!

    Ohio state prosecutors explained that they will not seek charges against Dunham because an inanimate election ballot cannot be a victim of a crime according to state statutes.

    * The above is satire. Although Lena Dunham did seriously star in an Obama campaign ad comparing her first time voting for Barack Obama to losing her virginity. For real, that actually happened, and it’s even posted on the Barack Obama campaign website. Like…for real.

    Crossposted at TruthInJest.

    Bigoted, Racist, No-Good, Evil Conservatives and the Leftists Who Need Them

    All those who dabble in the dark arts of conservatism are called bigots, racists, sexists, homophobes or just plain evil in the course of exchanging pleasantries with the left. So why not just own it?

    Fine, I’m a bigot, a racist, a sexist and a homophobe, according to a warped left-wing worldview that casts all those who oppose government redistribution as oppressors of blacks, immigrants, gays and women.

    Obviously, any wingnut’s confession of guilt for the litany of sins charged by his fork-tongued adversaries is tongue-in-cheek. The question is: do progressives who project such a nefarious psyche onto their ideological opponents really believe the nonsense they’re spouting? In other words, are lefties getting high on their own supply?

    There are two kinds of people who believe the tripe that conservatives are racist misogynistic knuckle-draggers: the uncritical soft left, who suckle at the sour teats of MSNBC and CBS News, Huffington Post or Yahoo News; and the Marxist, Castroite left, whose ideological framework necessarily casts their opponents in the mold of bigots, racists and women-oppressors.

    But let’s leave aside the flotsam and jetsam who float idly on the neomarxist cultural tide and concentrate on the ideological leadership. Why do the Ivy league set say the right is full of closet Klan members aching for a return to the ‘good old days’ when a fella could whimsically rape and abuse women in public, force them to carry babies to term, and then burn any as witches who so much think about asking for child support?

    The left needs the right. In a zero-sum world where the poor are necessarily impoverished by the rich, the minority are necessarily oppressed by the majority, and physically weaker women are the prey of physically stronger men, then there is no other explanation for someone opposing the left’s equalization of life’s injustice than being prejudiced.

    That’s why if you oppose Barack Obama’s quixotic brand of value redistribution, then you must be a heartless racist! That’s why if you think the Lily Ledbetter act is a condescending piece of legislation that neglects the market’s punishment of idiots who don’t recompense for value because of anti-vagina bias, then you sir, are a mysogynist. And that’s why if you believe that immigrants must at least pay tributary acknowledgment of our rule of law and our system of government, then you must be a xenophobe.

    In order to cast themselves as heroes of their own passion play righting the wrongs of cosmic injustice, progressives need villains. It’s not enough to yell, Lieutenant-Danlike, in front of an ungodly hurricane, “Come and get me, you son of a bitch!” — one has to cast other human beings as somehow responsible for the gargantuan storm.

    Never mind that any hurricane possesses the combined force of several million nuclear bombs; in order to stop these catastrophic acts of Nature, people just need to stop breathing. It’s the progressive version of “original sin,” born of a post-religious worldview that takes all the worst aspects of Christianic faith and throws in the non-redeeming value of eschewing God.

    But underlying this point-of-view is the true irony: it casts all members of a given class of people (sound familiar?) as inherently needing of progressives’ help. Women truly are needing of all sorts of government protections; lest the marketplace would have them all in sweatshops. Blacks need housing projects or even better, redlining legislation; or else greedy bankers would win out (by not making money on mortgages, apparently). If humans are allowed to go about their business making stuff without progressives putting a halt to it, the planet will be poisoned and all life on earth will end as we know it.

    Not to mention that according to taxpayer-funded NPR, if you plan on voting for the mildly pro-market Romney/Ryan, then just put your check on the “white supremacist ticket“…

    The conservative’s answer to the left on matters of economic justice is that consumers, laborers and businesses are held accountable for their decisions every day, as voted on in dollars. People don’t need biased, self-interested progressives rigging the system for themselves or for crony corporations or for unions. Right-wingers would rather have the maximum amount of economic power in their own hands; and no, they don’t believe working for or buying products from corporations is an act of exploitation. On the other side of the “corporate exploitation” equation are the consumers that derive benefit from their goods and services.

    The progressive worldview is a paternalistic breed of racism and sexism that projects its biases onto those who oppose them on principled grounds. Conservatives don’t believe in ever-expansive, redistributive government, period. They don’t think people need it, in general, because there is enough equality in society among the great majority that if the marketplace is unleashed, people will have more than enough opportunities to triumph over adversity, making themselves and their country better in the process.

    The conservative, therefore, is decidedly unbiased. Individuals can make it if the government’s big black boots of taxation, regulation, and redistribution are taken off their throats. Welfare and unemployment suppress human development; they represent the opposite of the kind of self-empowerment conservatives want to see for all citizens.

    The conservative worldview is one where people are potential winners and not all tragedies in life can be prevented, only tempered through personally given charity and love; lest we empower a government that will cause more systematic and widespread tragedy through tyranny.

    The Real 2016

    The People’s Commissariat of the Associated Press. Obamuary 13, 2016.

    General Secretary of the U.S.S.A. Comrade Obama announced a $2 sextillion economic stimulus plan to boost the ailing U.S. economy. While a $1.9 sextillion stimulus had been contemplated before, Comrade Obama’s $2 sextillion plan signifies real progress.

    The 53rd batch of stimulus under Obama’s second term (indefinitely extended in light of the economic crisis) should do much to quantitatively ease the sufferings of the proles gathered around the White House to wildly cheer the Great Leader.

    “A $43 quintillion stimulus package enacted in 2014 failed because of corporate greed,” said Comrade Krugman, a professor at the Obamanomics department at Bill Ayers University. “We need a much bigger amount. The plan announced by our Great Leader Comrade Obama is magnificent, but I think we need even more, and I know that Chairman Obama agrees with me.”

    “Some economists say we need umpteen dollars, while others say we need a zillion dollars, but I personally believe a godzillion would be sufficient to revive the economy,” added Comrade Reich of the Chairman Mao Memorial Institute for Advanced Democracy.

    Reverend Wright, the high priest of the Church of Saint Obama, sprinkled holy urine upon the first batch of helicopter money printed under the new plan.

    “In the name of the Father, the Mother and the Muthafucka,” His Holiness said. “Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father Obama feedeth them. Let these helicopters ascend to the sky like fowls and bestow this manna upon the Chosen People. God damn America, amen.”

    Karl Marx Street was enthusiastic about the news. Stock markets rallied.

    “I think we’ll finally see light at the end of the tunnel,” a Karl Marx Street trader said. “I firmly believe this stimulus plan is gonna make it, unlike previous ones.”

    Comrade Bernanke, chairman of the People’s Commissariat for Banking and Finance, said he had a positive outlook for the U.S. economy.

    “Everything is under control,” Comrade Bernanke said. “We have drastically reduced inflation to a mere 1000% rate.”

    The defanged minority GOP came up from the Congressional basement for a symbolic vote in protest of their official role as eternal scapegoat of the Democratic Party of Social Justice. The roll call was 464-1. Only Congressman Ron Paul voted ‘aye.’

    “I will continue to preach the Constitutional principles of liberty and individual responsibility until someone takes me seriously,” the crazy kook politician said while dodging various objects flung at his head.

    In other news, foreign dignitaries have been invited to the White House Annual Burning in Effigy of the Heretic Ayn Rand Children’s Jamboree and National Picnic. Copies of Atlas Shrugged and the Fountainhead, personal possession of which constitutes summary execution by firing squad, shall be burned while adults roast hot dogs and children toast marshmallows over the flames.

    This year, Comrade Mahmoud Ahmadenijad, Global Police Commissioner Vladimir Putin, and Co-Chairman Hu will be in attendance. All issued statements applauding General Secretary Obama’s efforts on behalf of world peace; and particularly, his crusade to rid the world of nuclear weapons through unilateral disarmament. Obama won his fourth consecutive Nobel Peace Prize earlier this year.

    Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.

    Muppets Denounce Occupy Sesame Street

    Ahead of the Democrat-organized million Muppet march, dissident voices in the puppet collective are speaking out against what they call shameless abuse as “props” of the Obama campaign. Prominent members of the state-enforced Muppet union staged a press conference in which the fuzzy creatures blasted the mainstream media for what they referred to as ‘gross manipulation.’

    “We have a lot of diversity in the Muppet camp,” said Kermit the Frog. “But it ain’t easy being green, especially when it looks like global warming stopped 16 years ago.”

    “Yes, Kermy,” Miss Piggy weighed in. “I happen to believe the War on Women was a fictional narrative invented by Democrats to cynically target the female audience.”

    “Wait, does that mean you endorse Mitt Romney?” asked a breathless Cokey Roberts.

    “The only mitt I endorse is the one up my tookus,” Kermit the Frog snapped back.

    Baffled journalists looked at each other, not quite getting Kermit’s point.

    “Me tired of being called one-percenter for eating all the cookies, nom nom nom,” added Cookie Monster as he crunched a giant chocolate chip cookie. “Muppets disagree with Occupy Sesame Street deadbeats. There is no puppet hierarchy here. Munch munch.”

    “But what about Mitt Romney hates cookies?” shouted a reporter from the back of the room.

    “Me like cookies, you like stupid questions,” grunted Cookie Monster. “This press conference brought to you by the letter F, nom nom nom.”

    “Yeah, and another thing,” grumbled Oscar the Grouch. “Just because I live in a trashcan doesn’t mean I support your wasteful welfare programs. I happen to like trash. And no, I don’t recycle.”

    The members of the press corps looked uncomfortable being lectured by three-foot tall furry puppets and were unsure how to respond.

    “Rowlf, do you have any comments about the plight of Seamus?” asked a reported desperate for a scoop.

    “Are you kidding me, that dog had his day,” Rowlf retorted. “That mutt lived the good life on million-dollar milkbones. I’d be more afraid for Bo ending up as a doggy treat.”

    Disappointed reporters started streaming out of the room, unsure how to spin what was seen as an opportunity for promoting Muppet rights.

    “And one last thing,” added a towering Big Bird. “If you want to see a real puppet in action, look no further than the Oval Office. Valerie Jarrett, George Soros, Andy Stern, that’s who pulls the strings in this administration.”

    “Does that make Big Bird a birther?” snorted Martha Radditz.

    “It makes you all dummies of the Democrat Party,” the top Muppet shot back. “Time for you guys to cut the strings and start reporting the news, instead of wasting time obsessing about the land of make-believe.”

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