“We have a lot of diversity in the Muppet camp,” said Kermit the Frog. “But it ain’t easy being green, especially when it looks like global warming stopped 16 years ago.”

“Yes, Kermy,” Miss Piggy weighed in. “I happen to believe the War on Women was a fictional narrative invented by Democrats to cynically target the female audience.”

“Wait, does that mean you endorse Mitt Romney?” asked a breathless Cokey Roberts.

“The only mitt I endorse is the one up my tookus,” Kermit the Frog snapped back.

Baffled journalists looked at each other, not quite getting Kermit’s point.

“Me tired of being called one-percenter for eating all the cookies, nom nom nom,” added Cookie Monster as he crunched a giant chocolate chip cookie. “Muppets disagree with Occupy Sesame Street deadbeats. There is no puppet hierarchy here. Munch munch.”

“But what about Mitt Romney hates cookies?” shouted a reporter from the back of the room.

“Me like cookies, you like stupid questions,” grunted Cookie Monster. “This press conference brought to you by the letter F, nom nom nom.”

“Yeah, and another thing,” grumbled Oscar the Grouch. “Just because I live in a trashcan doesn’t mean I support your wasteful welfare programs. I happen to like trash. And no, I don’t recycle.”

The members of the press corps looked uncomfortable being lectured by three-foot tall furry puppets and were unsure how to respond.

“Rowlf, do you have any comments about the plight of Seamus?” asked a reported desperate for a scoop.

“Are you kidding me, that dog had his day,” Rowlf retorted. “That mutt lived the good life on million-dollar milkbones. I’d be more afraid for Bo ending up as a doggy treat.”

Disappointed reporters started streaming out of the room, unsure how to spin what was seen as an opportunity for promoting Muppet rights.

“And one last thing,” added a towering Big Bird. “If you want to see a real puppet in action, look no further than the Oval Office. Valerie Jarrett, George Soros, Andy Stern, that’s who pulls the strings in this administration.”

“Does that make Big Bird a birther?” snorted Martha Radditz.

“It makes you all dummies of the Democrat Party,” the top Muppet shot back. “Time for you guys to cut the strings and start reporting the news, instead of wasting time obsessing about the land of make-believe.”