Tag Archives: Humor/Satire

The KinderCare Generation

For those in two–income households who have been wondering what the long–term effects of parking children in daycare would be, the results are in and the news is not good.

Quite a few members of the daycare generation are currently occupying Obamavilles in New York City, D.C., Oakland, CA and points in between. This is a natural outcome of society’s reliance on strangers to raise our kids. The daycare generation’s formative years led them to become accustomed to large, mostly benevolent, third–party organizations that dried their tears, filled their tummies and enforced the rules for sharing.

Inside this primary colors utopia, the daycare generation finger–painted signs, beat on the furniture, sang songs and it was absolutely free! At snack time Juanita never charged little Belgium or Saskatchewan for the goldfish or juice boxes.
It’s only natural, now that the daycare generation no longer depends on KinderCare, that they turn to the largest organization of all and ask Uncle Sam to make everything all better.

I had the opportunity to experience this firsthand last weekend at The Koch Konspiracy, better known as the American’s for Prosperity Conference, held at the Washington Convention Center in D.C. During Friday’s Reagan dinner an occupy type attempted to disrupt the keynote speech. It started with a ripple of movement toward the front of the ballroom and then escalated into the same incoherent shouting you see in coverage of the New York City occupiers, only closer.

During breaks in the action during dinner, attendees went to the windows and watched occupiers block the street in front of the convention center. This is a familiar community organizing technique based on the theory that adding to gridlock with impromptu traffic jams is a sure way to generate support for your cause.

Once blocking traffic grew boring, the occupy mob attempted to storm the doors of the convention center and force their way inside. Security prevented this, but when the event concluded around 10:00 PM, the mob blocked the doors preventing the attendees from leaving.

These brave voices for the 99 percent used very small children in some barricades, putting them in front of the class warriors and against the door, so it could not be opened without hitting little Buffy. Other exits were blocked by jamming wooden poles through the door handles. All the entrances were treated to the usual smug tautological signs (“I am a human being”), drums and aggressively screamed obscenities.

A well–run police department would have responded by sending the civil disturbance unit. The D.C. department sent a handful of outnumbered officers who did little to clear the doors.

(As an aside, ask yourself what the city’s response would have been if NRA members had blocked the doors to Busboys & Poets or some other D.C. hotbed of failed ideology?)

D.C. Council member Tommy Wells (D–Delusional) was quoted by the WaPost as saying; “This is a very difficult job for police. Their job is keeping the protesters and people coming out of the convention center safe.”

No. The job of the police is to keep the peace and protect the law abiding. It’s not to observe the tantrums of this narcissistic mob and make a pathetic attempt to mediate between the innocent and the inciter.

On Monday, Police Chief Cathy L. Lanier said she’s had all she can stand and she can’t stands no more, describing the occupiers as, “increasingly confrontational and violent.” She promised the department will “adjust tactics as needed to assure safety.”
Somehow I don’t find a 60–hour response time to a near riot very reassuring.

Mayor Vincent Gray (D–Detached) pleaded with the rabble to “show restraint” so the movement is not “discredited by violence.” But as usual he’s not exactly abreast of the news.

In Oakland almost 100 occupiers were arrested after they threw pipes, chunks of concrete, firebombs and fired Roman candles at police. In Boston crack dealers were arrested at the occupy site. In Dallas, New York, Cleveland and Baltimore there have been reports of rape in occupy sites and I’m not talking about the corporate kind.

And in San Diego street cart vendors who made the mistake of initially giving free food to occupy denizens found themselves under attack by enraged blood and urine–throwing protestors when they decided to start charging for food.

There’s essentially no difference between these pampered and petulant occupiers going on the rampage against the nebulous offense of “corporate greed” and the three–year–old in daycare throwing a tantrum at the conclusion of recess because “it’s not fair!”

They are only older – certainly not wiser.

Imagine. No Religion, too.

There’s a woman who lives near me with a personalized license plate that proclaims she’s a WICCAN. If her idea of theology is a penetrating discussion with a pecan tree and she wants to proclaim her lasting commitment to cellulose; that’s her right. Even though the sentiment appears on a plate issued by the Commonwealth.
She’s joined by motorists displaying plates with DRUID, PAGAN and even VEGAN.
Although the thought processes behind the adoption of these belief systems are opaque to me — much like the decision to go out and get a tattoo — knowing religion–oriented plates are out there is not disturbing.
However, one can’t say that for atheists who are very easily disturbed. Evidently their dedication to their lack of faith is so fragile that exposure to slightest whiff of Christianity has the potential to propel them backwards into darkness and superstition. The next thing you know they’re eating Wednesday night dinner in a Baptist Fellowship Hall and wondering why there are never any salt shakers on the table.
Atheists and the separation–of–church–and–state crowd are busy banning Bibles in schools, crosses from Utah roadsides and the phrase “God bless you” from funerals in a Houston VA cemetery. Consequently, they aren’t focused on license plates, but I have a feeling it’s on a To–Do list.
Readers who rely on the news media for their Constitution instruction may not know this, but the document is not actively anti–religion. The founders were believers and the thought of banning government from even the most glancing connection with God would have seemed absurd to them.
The Constitution only prohibits the establishment of a state religion, for example: Emperor worship during the Roman Empire or the Anglican Church in England under Henry VIII.
The phrase “separation of church and state” does not appear in the Constitution. This atheist catchphrase originated in a private letter written by Thomas Jefferson and has no more force of law than this column.
And Jefferson, bless his heart, had his idiosyncrasies. Acting as the Gutenberg of the scissors and a paste–pot set, Jefferson produced his own Bible by literally cutting out the parts he didn’t like and keeping what he did.
This may make him the first Unitarian Universalist and would probably qualify Jefferson to be ordained as an Episcopal bishop, but it does not make him a reliable source on the religious views of the founders.
For the sake of argument, let’s assume the religion scrubbers are correct and the Constitution justifies purging all trace of worship from the public square. The question is what type of government do they think will result?
A cool, clean empire of intellect ruled by Mr. Spock? Maybe, but China is more likely.
This would make many progressives very happy, including those in the White House. China is a communist government run by experts. (A two–fer in progressive circles.) These experts don’t get bogged down in partisan gridlock caused by annoying Republicans who smoke. Decisions are made based on science, not politics. Plus, the experts are Asian and everyone knows how smart they are.
China is also rich. And it has bullet trains that fly between major cities. State–sponsored abortion is legal. (You could almost call it human sacrifice, but that sounds too much like religion.) And since there is only one party, there are no messy political campaigns and tacky commercials.
China is everything a secular humanist could wish for, until a toddler gets hit by a truck.
Then you learn the price for removing religion from the public square. 18 different people in Guangzhou watched as a two–year–old girl, who wandered into traffic, was smashed by delivery van. They left her lying bloody in the street until she was run over by a truck. Finally, after seven long minutes, an elderly scrap peddler, who may not have had anything to lose, dragged her out of the street.
People don’t help injured two–year–olds in China because helping others is not state–approved behavior. In 2007 a young man was sued after he helped an elderly woman with a broken leg to the hospital. The Wall Street Journal reports the court ordered the rescuer to pay 40 percent of the woman’s medical bills because “according to common sense” he would not have helped her if he had not been in some way responsible for her fall.
This is social Darwinism as a governing philosophy. Altruism only creates suspicion in a government where religion is banned.
This is why over time the religion haters won’t like the government that results from their efforts. Because when you jettison God you also jettison the Good Samaritan.

Hank Williams, Jr. Apologizes For His Recent Comments

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock in recent weeks, you know that the ever-controversial country music star Hank Williams, Jr. has once again caused a commotion.

While appearing on the Fox & Friends morning show, Bocephus was bantering with the Fox & Friends hosts and made an analogy about a golf game between President Obama and other members of the Democratic Party played golf with a variety of members of the Republican Party.

If you did not watch the show, here is the actual transcript of the exchange that caused so much commotion.

HANK WILLIAMS: Remember the golf game?
STEVE DOOCY:  Boehner?
HANK WILLIAMS: That was one of the biggest political mistakes ever.
CO-HOSTS: Why?
HANK WILLIAMS: That turned a lot of people off. You know, watching, you know, it just didn’t go over.
GRETCHEN CARLSON: You mean when John Boehner played golf with President Obama?
HANK WILLIAMS: Oh, yeah! Yeah. And Biden and Kasich, yeah. Uh-huh.
GRETCHEN CARLSON: What did you not like about it? It seems to be a really pivotal moment for you.
HANK WILLIAMS: Come on. Come on. It would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu, OK?

In response, ESPN pulled the ever-famous Monday Night Football intro sung by Hank Williams Jr., that goes a little somethin’ like this:

♫Are you ready for some footbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllll? ♫

In response, Hank Williams, Jr. wrote a song and had it recorded in a matter of days (literally, by the end of the week in which the original incident happened.) He made it a free download on his official website for the first few days, and has since made it available for purchase on iTunes.

I downloaded the song, entitled, “Keep The Change”, the first day it was available! I am an avid Bocephus fan, and was very proud to download the song of proud defiance.

You can imagine my shock and disappointment when I heard that Hank had issued anapology for his remarks. It was a metaphor, for goodness sake, he DID NOT call Obama Hitler!

But the good thing is, the surviving members of Hitler’s family accepted his apology for comparing Adolf to President Obama!

______________________

I cannot claim credit for the punchline, but thought it was too good not to share!

To the liberals who might read this and take offense- buck up! We, on the right side of the political aisle, endured ENDLESS jokes about President George W. Bush. This is a joke, and should be taken as such!

______________________
Sources:
Kentucky.com 
Hank Williams Jr. Official Website

The Second Time Since Harvard Obama’s Ridden a Bus

This week Obama is once again firing up his Canadian–built Magical Mystery Bus and driving through North Carolina and Virginia as his re–election campaign begins on the taxpayer dime. Somehow the symbolism of Obama back in the bus is supposed to inspire Congress to pass his contemptible “jobs bill” and at the same time convince the rubes that Obama has the common touch.

Here in Northern Virginia the impact of the tour will mostly be felt by motorists who are likely to see, and be inconvenienced by, impromptu road barriers blocking portions of the highway. Strangely enough, these barriers will not have been erected by the Secret Service to bar potential assassins.

On the contrary, the burning tires and hijacked Jersey barriers are the product of panicked House and Senate Democrat candidates, desperate to avoid being associated with the Obamatross a little over two weeks before the November election.

And no wonder, currently Obama’s disapproval rating in Virginia is 52 percent, which puts him somewhere between Dan Snyder and E. coli. Yet, like the professor who doesn’t realize it’s his halitosis and not his intellect that intimidates students, Obama originally intended to have his 2011 Vanishing Jobs Tour stop in Danville, Newport News, Charlottesville and Fredericksburg.

Evidently his vaunted White House political operation was unaware that while North Carolina and Virginia are crucial to his personal re–election; VA Dems are clinging to a slim 22 to 18 majority in the Senate that they would like to retain. So far VA Dems have done everything but rub soy blood on door lintels in the hope Obama will pass over without killing their chances in November.

Even Senate candidate Tim Kaine — a man personally selected by Obama to be chairman of the Democrat National Committee and who’s election is not until next year — can’t seem to find time to work the President into his schedule, although there are rumors Kaine plans to text The One while he’s in the state.

But at least Kaine is doing his shunning in silence. The same can’t be said for other Democrats who are desperately trying to wash the scarlet ‘O’ from their foreheads. Sen. Phillip Puckett, according to the WaPost, is the first Dem to publicly declare he won’t vote for Obama in 2012. The Democrat leader of the House of Delegates, Ward Armstrong, raised the ante and is broadcasting a TV commercial that denies he has any ties to Obama, political or otherwise. And Senators William Reynolds, Edward Houck, George Baker and Toddy Puller all take the 5th Amendment (just like the Solyndra executives!) when asked if they will be voting for Obama.
Rather than be trampled by Democrats heading for the exits, the crack White House political team revised the itinerary for the I Can’t Get No Respect Tour. Now in an effort to do something that will have a positive impact on Virginian’s lives, Obama will re–open a closed rest stop on I–81 and install a child safety seat during a visit to Chesterfield County firehouse.

What’s striking in all this scheduling and re–scheduling that one of the few elected officials who will agree to be seen in public with him is Republican Governor Bob McDonnell, who doesn’t appear to believe short term proximity to the President will damage his Vice Presidential prospects as much as employment under Obama had torpedoed Jon Huntsman’s.

I can’t help but think this whole visit is particularly ill–timed for the Senate Democrat Caucus. Just last week it was announced the caucus raised a total of $2.1 million in the third quarter from occupy protesters in Wall Street, Richmond and DC. Oops, my mistake. It seems there is not a lot of demand for zombie costumes and paper–mäché puppets. Instead large contributions actually came from those nasty one percenters who revel in their inequality.

The possession of this tidy bankroll now puts the Senate Dems in the awkward position of being just another wealthy group of insiders sitting on their cash, hoping Obama’s bad policies and elitist incompetents won’t do them too much damage.

Call me suspicious, but I’m wondering if Monday’s theft of the truck containing $200,000 worth of TOTUS (teleprompter of the United States), Obama’s podium with seal, audio equipment and assorted other Presidential show biz items from the parking lot of a Henrico County Marriott wasn’t a futile, last ditch attempt by local Dems to derail the visit.

If I were the FBI, I’d be asking where Armstrong, Barker and Puckett were on Sunday night.

Michael R. Shannon is a public relations and advertising consultant with corporate, government and political experience around the globe. He is a dynamic and entertaining keynote speaker. He can be reached at
[email protected]

The Qwikster Joins the Dead

I’ve been wondering how many of the Occupy Wall Street squatters are actually enraged Netflix subscribers or retirees with Netflix stock in the 401K?

The timing is about right. In August Netflix increases the fee for plans that include video streaming and DVDs by a shocking 60 percent. In September the company announces it’s amputating the DVD side of the business and naming the new entity Qwikster. And in October Netflix was planning to introduce beer commercials during streaming programming for everyone not subscribing to the new ‘premium plan.’

No wonder protesters are preparing to punish capitalists and any corporate employees above the level of ‘barista.’ But participants in the March for Generalized Outrage are too late. The market has worked its magic and bulls bearing sell orders got there first.

Netflix stock was at $300/share last July. After investors had more time to evaluate the inspiring leadership of CEO Reed Hastings, the stock price dropped to $111.62 in early October — a plunge of 60 percent in value, strangely mirroring the August price increase.

Try to match that economic damage by dressing like zombies, pooping in the shrubbery and hoping Congress will invite you to a hearing.

It’s rare that a company becomes suicidal in such a brief period of time, but Netflix appears to subscribe to the theory that any publicity is good publicity, even if customers are burning car tires in the street outside corporate headquarters.

The first signs of a management woefully out of touch actually appeared months ago, way before the price increase and Qwikster cwazyness. The tipoff was testimony before a House–Senate hearing on the elimination of Saturday mail delivery.

Netflix is the USPS’ largest customer, spending over $600 million yearly. In my business our largest customer has amazing clout, up to and including “is it OK if I use my tongue to shine your shoes?” Yet Netflix appears to believe USPS is doing it a favor by taking the money.

In fact Netflix sent a representative to the hearing to cheerlead for the post office, claiming that eliminating Saturday mail delivery would have little, if any, impact on subscribers.

I’m sure it won’t bother Hastings — a lackey delivers his DVDs before Reed leaves the office. But for customers, eliminating Saturday delivery means no mailing a DVD back on Thursday and getting a new one in time for the weekend. Customers lose 17 percent of the delivery service with no corresponding decrease in price.

This sort of tone–deaf decision making is only possible if you are an “industry thought leader” that reads too many of his own press clippings. Lucky for Netflix government will bail it out, because elected officials are not going to give up Saturday mail delivery as long as elections are held on the next Tuesday.

Netflix mistakes should be instructive for those confused about the free market, starting with the ‘Occupy’ crowd. After the August price increase I didn’t call Uncle Sam and demand government intervention. In September, when the new billing rate began, I called Netflix to cancel the DVD portion of the plan.

In addition to being unaware that his customers like new movies on Saturday for weekend viewing, Hastings is also evidently unaware of competition from Redbox (he really must do something about the tint level on the limo windows).

Redbox rents a new movie for only a buck a day, without requiring a visit from the postman. In fact I would have to rent 17 movies a month to equal what my old Netflix plan cost. And I was not alone in this decision. Over one million other customers dropped at least a portion of their Netflix service in response to the price increase.
When management followed the price increase with the Qwikster stupidity, Netflix made the fatal mistake of complicating something that was already simple: making two websites, two passwords, two lists of movies, two sets of recommendations, two bills.

Before another million or so customers jumped to Amazon, iTunes or other streaming services, Netflix backed off and Qwikster joined the dead. Although even then Hastings did something foolish when he said, “While the July price change was necessary, we are now done with price changes,” a statement that will haunt the company in the future.

A big corporation offends customers. The media covers the controversy. Customers punish the company by dropping its service and choosing an alternative product. Investors punish the mistake by selling the company’s stock. The company learns from the mistake or it falls by the wayside.

Proof that a free market offers options — and competition, not government, is your best protection in the marketplace.

The 'Save Obama's Job' bill

Obama’s “jobs” speech was historic in one way: It was the first completely ‘green’ address to Congress. Every so–called idea in the speech was recycled from the extensive collection of failed Obama stimulus programs.
What did appear to be new was the increasing level of desperation in Obama’s demeanor. He’s a man who knows he’s on a sinking ship because his socks are getting squishy.
He’s gone from the cool, noble, Führer of the Future to the Nag of our National Nightmare. I lost count of the number of times he whined, “Pass this jobs plan.” It would have been a more convincing performance if Michelle had been ordering Congress around. Obama did everything but tap his foot and shake his finger in Speaker of the House John Boehner’s face.
(And speaking of faces, did you notice Boehner’s? Maybe it was the lighting, but I could have sworn his complexion was darker than Obama’s. I think we may have the first black or at least Indigenous American Speaker of the House, but of course the mainstream media ignores a story that might make Republicans look good.)
In keeping with his policy of relaxing the administration’s grasp on reality, at the time of the speech there was no ‘Save Obama’s Job’ bill for Congress to pass, because nothing had been introduced. And just like the Congressional Budget Office does not estimate Obama speeches, the House does not pass speeches. It only endures them.
Obama grants awesome powers to his non–existent bill, “It will provide a jolt to an economy that has stalled.” Yet he keeps hooking the electrodes up to the same dead battery.
First there is $140 billion for “infrastructure.” This is Son of Shovel–Ready jobs. The only way the $50 billion allocated to bridges and infrastructure will be spent in a timely fashion is if he’s prepared to ship environmentalists off to Guantanamo. The kudzu of regulation and lawsuits surrounding road, bridge and transit funding guarantees paralysis. Just like it did the last time.
Besides, I think every illegal that wants a construction job already has one.
Then there’s the $35 billion handout for teacher’s unions and ‘first responders.’ Lucky for them most of these government workers already have jobs and since the money is a one time BINGO! experience, cities with budget problems that rely on this money to meet payroll expenses will be in the same situation next year.
So much for “investment.” Next up are tax cuts. Tuesday we learned Obama’s one year of tax cuts will be paid for by a decade of tax increases, which is about the usual Democrat exchange rate when it comes to spending.
Time stops for the Obama administration on Tuesday, November 6, 2012, so his planning horizon is just over a year. But that’s not the way it works for business. One year of tax cuts followed by ten years of tax hikes is not a ratio that’s going to inspire confidence in the business community.
Smart businessmen will continue to sit on their cash until the future looks Obama–less. Net jobs created: Zero.
The same is true for the individual taxpayers and the payroll deduction decrease. Over the course of a year it will average out to a $1,500 tax cut, but Obama doesn’t drop it off at your door in a lump sum. It comes in $125 installments. Families aren’t going to rush out and spend the money in this economy. The additional money will be used to pay down debt or be squirreled away in savings, just like it was when Bush tried this ploy and when Obama copied it later. Net jobs increased = none.
Finally comes $62 billion for the currently unemployed. Extending unemployment insurance will cost $49 billion. This may be a boon for the jobless, but it won’t get them work and it won’t get anyone else a new job either. The rest is tax credits for hiring the long–term unemployed and “work opportunities.”
Here again we encounter the time mismatch. The tax credits are for a single year, then the old rates resume along with the decade of tax increases planned by the wallet–emptiers in Obamaland.
Obama’s idea of job creation is to throw good money we don’t have after bad money we never had either. He shouldn’t be asking Congress for permission, Obama should be checking with the Chinese ambassador.
There are a number of actions Obama could have proposed if he was serious about job creation, but these are not among them. And that’s because right now the only job Obama is really interested in is his own.

When Dry–Cleaning Attacks

The pre–Labor Day holiday run up was a good week for stating the obvious in the Washington Post.
An area high school student, who shall remain nameless, concluded that outsourcing her science project to the parents was passé, so she decided to see if it would be possible to recruit an actual scientist to do the work.
The enterprising young lady emailed “three or four chemistry professors” to see if they would be interested in analyzing how much of the chemical used to dry–clean clothes remained in the clothing after it was returned to the customer.
Most of her targets ignored her — possibly because they believe in ‘global warming’ and their cleaning involves going down to the river to beat cargo shorts on the rocks — but one recipient at Georgetown University agreed.
Sure enough, after extensive cleaning and testing, the brainiacs at Georgetown discovered that dry–cleaned sweater wool retained a perchloroethylene (PERC) level “as high as 126 parts per million.”
As my lovely wife, Janet, said, “Why wouldn’t it and so what?”
For that matter, sometimes my pants return from the dry–cleaners with crumbs in a pocket and I don’t make a federal case of it. (Although after reading about this science project I doubt I’ll be eating them again.)
I’d rather have that new dry–cleaned smell on my pants than the gravy stain that was there when I dropped them off.
To add a bit of context, the feds allow wine makers a sulfite level of 350 parts per million and people are intentionally drinking vino; to say nothing of asparagus makers who cool the crop in water containing 125 parts per million of chlorine — 41 times the amount you’ll find in your neighborhood pool.
But don’t get me wrong — I’m not criticizing our girl scientist. Her idea was simple and achievable — once she recruited a major university to do the heavy lifting. It reminds me of a project my engineer roommate was assigned in college. The professor told them to improve the design of an existing product, but to keep it simple. So students were redesigning Saturn rockets, gas spectrometers and racecars. Lester, on the other hand, showed how drilling four holes in dorm soap dishes would keep the Irish Spring from turning into mush. He received an ‘A.’
The problem I have is with the coverage of the project, which proves once again you don’t have to be hysterical to report on the environment, but it helps. The Post reporter writes as if she just discovered salmonella in her sprouts.
The story moves from the analysis of PERC remaining in small squares of cloth to discussing potential devastating health effects, particularly CANCER!!!, with the usual chemical alarmists.
One heavy–breathing example: “it was difficult to say how much risk consumers might face from wearing, say, dry–cleaned wool pants for a year or breathing air from a closet full of dry–cleaned clothes.”
I can see it now — edgy high school rebels who are pushing the limits will no longer be found under the bleachers stealing a few puffs. Instead, they’ll congregate inside a walk–in closet sniffing dad’s Brooks Brothers while the au pair wonders why Brittany seems so jittery.
A worry–wart at the University of Pennsylvania thought someone “who delivers dry cleaning for a living could face higher exposures than workers in a plant.” Dry cleaning delivery? Hmmm. Oh, yes, now I remember! He’s the man who arrives each morning after the milkman drops off the 2 percent and just before the Webvan driver gets here with the rest of the groceries.
Besides the threat to imaginary occupations, there is also danger for consumers. The team used a computer model to calculate that four newly–cleaned wool sweaters, placed beside a golden retriever inside a hot SUV with the windows rolled up, might produce the dreaded 126 parts per million of PERC that exceeds OSHA limits.
But the good news is the dog’s deathbed was extremely soft.
The problem I have with that ‘evidence’ is that I don’t pile clean sweaters inside my car like a North Korean nuclear waste dump. My cleaners may be cheap, but the clothes come to me in a fume–trapping bag.
Besides the symptoms of PERC overexposure are fairly obvious. If you feel confused, dizzy, drowsy, irritated and have a headache your discomfort is not being caused by your husband’s insatiable demands for sex or a bad batch of sour mash.
You’ve simply been spending too much time in the closet with the door closed admiring your wardrobe.

Stimulus 2011: Highway to Hell

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and the Obama administration is announcing that, in an effort to stimulate the economy, they will be upgrading that oft-used road into a super-highway.

A White House spokesman said, “Considering our failures in Libya, Egypt, Obamacare, Afghanistan, food stamps, stimulus and other stuff, we’re going to focus on America and infrastructure in a very real way.”

The recent stimulus bill was an abysmal failure. Many liberal analysts say that the first effort was both too small and too scattered to be effective.

In a White House press briefing, a spokesman explained how the new initiative addresses those concerns:

The president feels that we should do one massive project. This will be the most-important government infrastructure undertaking since the bridge to nowhere – which was a complete success.

 

We have decided to spend the sum total of the federal transportation fund on a long-neglected roadway – The road to Hell.
Considering that the last stimulus was not large enough, and our incredibly bad numbers in the polls, we felt it to be the right time to focus on infrastructure that America needs. America is on this particular road and the President feels that it should be able to go faster.
We have spent the first 3 years of this term in office driving America down the road to hell and we are pleased to announce that it will soon be a superhighway.

In a change of policy, the administration is also planning to pay for the project using the questionable approach of a public-private partnership. Beelzebub, inc will be financing roughly 51% of the project in exchange for 330 million souls. The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) says that it is impossible to estimate the cost to taxpayers as they “have only put a value on an actual human life. The government does not currently believe that there is any value in the human soul.”

The agreement is being crafted in Congress as the Hades-America Free Trade Agreement (HAFTA). Joe Biden joked that they are “doing this big f*%$ing deal because we HAFTA.. get it? [snort]”.

In response to claims that the administration is selling Americans down the river, a White House official responded, “no, we’re not building a river.”

This post is satire, pure fiction, and an absolute figment of the author’s imagination.

Dead Skunk, Stinkin’ to High Heaven

Conservatives make a fundamental mistake regarding government employees. Frequently, Conservatives rail against lazy workers, using the enthusiasm–challenged as examples of all that’s wrong with government.

Yet drones making personal calls on their cell phone aren’t proponents of bigger, more intrusive government. Those disciples of inertia are, in a way, our friends.

It’s energetic and ambitious employees who want to expand government and these are the workers conservatives should be trying to eliminate.

Look at DMV, that long–time conservative whipping boy. Sluggish DMV employees aren’t agitating for more authority. They’re content with processing the license or registration paperwork at the standard glacial pace.

Sleepy employees aren’t trying to expand DMV jurisdiction into selling government tires or oil changes. Their only goal is to discover once and for all what ratio of closed to open customer service windows produces the maximum number of disgruntled citizens with the least elected official outrage.

If you mistakenly inject a few highly motivated employees into the DMV the wait may go down to a comparatively speedy half–day, but with time on their hands the new hires may decide to go out into the parking lot and check the tint density on your SUV windows.

VDOT is the real world example of the damage and expense an eager–beaver employee can cause. VDOT scientist Bridget Donaldson has lately become concerned about that unfortunate byproduct of highway use – roadkill.
It’s not that she’s worried about the potential proliferation of small roadside memorials to squashed raccoons; Donaldson is preoccupied with the entire flattened fauna disposal process.

VDOT currently spends about $4.4 million annually disposing of animal carcasses, which only goes to show it takes a long time to clean any gene pool. In 77 percent of the cases crews haul vehicle victims to the nearest landfill and, according to Donaldson’s scare statistics, that can be a 40–mile round trip. The rest of the time practical VDOT employees simply bury the creature by the side of the road.

As a taxpayer, I’m satisfied, but then I’m not a ‘scientist.’

Instead of simply drinking coffee from her World Wildlife Federation mug, Donaldson wants to fix what ain’t broke and have VDOT embark on a new initiative that will cost more money and “help the environment.”

She claims that burying Rocket J. Squirrel by the side of the road could release harmful pollutants and bacteria, to say nothing of the damage adding his corpse to the critical mass of Happy Meal boxes and plastic bags in the landfill might produce.

If this was during the Tim Kaine administration, Donaldson could have simply recommended animal carcasses be stored in closed rest stops — instead she wants to compost the critters by mixing carcasses and wood chips, which sounds suspiciously like a Kashi bar to me.

But isn’t burial the original composting? And what could be more natural than decomposition, which doesn’t require the use of fossil fuels? If Donaldson is correct regarding the release of “harmful pollutants and bacteria” from burial, then every cemetery in the country is eligible to be declared a Superfund site.

Donaldson is simply not content to let roadside maggots do their work in peace. She wants to store vulture vittles in large gasoline–tanker sized drums that can cost up to $80,000 each. Presumably these cemetery cylinders will be cruising the Commonwealth looking for customers, which will surely burn more gas than the occasional landfill trip.

And how many road pizzas will it take to fill one of these behemoths? How much protective gear will the poor soul have to wear when he adds the last few fur frisbees to the marinating mix, if he hopes to survive the odor onslaught? And who wants to be stuck behind one of these critter containers during an August traffic jam on I–95?

Her alternate composting method requires building large concrete plazas for the putrefaction piles with the rotting runoff directed into a water–treatment plant that will have to be modified or built from scratch at additional taxpayer expense.

I’ll just bet every economic development authority in Virginia will be lobbying to get one of these “earth–friendly” odor–paloozas for their jurisdiction.
We should be thankful Donaldson doesn’t want a Wiccan to say a few words over the dearly departed.

A computer solitaire–playing VDOT scientist would’ve been content to let nature take its course, saving taxpayers the expense of studies and subsequent “solutions.” Which is why I’m now calling on conservatives to live and let live with the lethargic and embrace the ennui.

Smaller government depends on it.

Oba-Entrepreneurship

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good Sally,” said the teacher.Little Mary was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Mary” said the teacherEventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny. “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!”
Then I would say,”It is dog crap. Wanna’ buy a toothbrush?” “I used the Obama approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.”

‘Public Option’ government would cut costs, improve service

Scott Ott published an article in the Washington Examiner that could very well fix everything using the Obama administration’s favorite tool – the public option.

“White House sources said today that President Obama may soon propose legislation that would save Americans billions of dollars each year while improving service by creating a ‘public option’ version of the federal government.

The new entity would introduce ‘choice and competition’ to the lethargic big-government market, currently dominated in many areas of the country…” [Read the whole darned thing]

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