Tag Archives: Humor/Satire

The Bugs are Back

The cicada: Mascot of the federal bureaucrat?

The cicada: Mascot of the federal bureaucrat?

People in the Washington, DC area like to worry. Part of it’s because leftists are required to show “concern” about the darnedest things and part of it is because a large government workforce has to discover something to do or at least find a way to look busy.

For example, the National Weather Service suffered a crippling budget cut of about 3 percent when the sequester went into effect. I had assumed that after the cut hit, a spokesperson would inform us there would be no more rain or rainbows due to evil Republican budget cuts.

Instead the service is now under a hiring freeze and unable to begin what the WaPost called “a major pilot project aimed at helping the local community prepare for extreme weather.”

For those of you who tuned in late, “extreme weather” is what used to be “global warming” before it stopped getting warm.

According to the Post, “Previously, the emergency response meteorologists were tasked to assist “on the scene” during major weather events, offering on-demand briefings to emergency managers and stakeholders. They also were charged with developing more event-specific forecasts, explaining possible impacts in detail, and getting key messages out using new communication technologies and social media.”

In laymen’s terms this means highly–paid government meteorologists would appear during a hurricane or tornado to tell damp citizens with frizzy hair that they had just been hit by a hurricane or tornado. The weather people would then pass out small, waterproof maps with colorful depictions of pressure zones and isobars. Then advise survivors to take shelter, cut down on salt and keep hydrated. Once the citizens were dispersed, the weather service employees would be free to teach elected officials how to post heroic photos of themselves in galoshes on Twitter.

How they intend to accomplish this without power remains to be seen. A more practical plan would involve teaching Pepco customers how to buy and install a generator, since long term loss of electricity is much more common here than severe weather.

Somehow, Oklahomans have managed to endure weather without federal intervention. Twice during my youth I lived in Duncan, OK. Smack dab in the middle of tornado alley. In spite of the fact we did not have weather service types parachuting in to state the obvious, we managed to survive. The municipal tornado siren sounded, you picked up the babies, grabbed the old ladies and headed for the nearest tornado/bomb shelter or leaped in a nearby bar ditch.

I distinctly remember one evening when we gathered in our neighbor’s backyard shelter to wait out the alert. Since I was just a kid, I had no idea how long a tornado lasted. My idea of a long duration was waiting for Christmas and that took forever.

What’s more, I was a chubby kid who suffered “food anxiety” before it came to Michelle Obama’s attention. Not wanting to add hunger pangs to potential tornado problems, I filled my pockets with cheddar cheese. (It could have been that I also wanted to prevent diarrhea, but my memory is fuzzy.) This caused something of a commotion later in the week when Mom opened the washer and saw the laundry looked like nachos.

So without the weather service to gin up worry, the media here has turned to the insect world and found this summer will mark the return of the cicada. Cicadas sleep underground for 17 years and then emerge blinking into the sunlight, looking for sex and a square meal. This alone would make the cicada a perfect mascot for the less motivated federal bureaucrat.

Insects on the make would not normally be an issue for the front page of the Metro section. What makes the cicadas newsworthy is they return in the billions. They cover the landscape and make a loud buzzing sound to attract a mate, similar to disco but without mirror balls.

The insects are about an inch long with red eyes. The outer shell is crunchy but they’re soft on the inside, much like a Democrat. The reporter even found publicity–hungry omnivore who claimed he eats cicadas. His recipe calls for sautéing them with lemon and butter. I can’t remember if he serves the finished product with MD–20/20 or WD–40.

After sex cicadas don’t smoke, which would at least shut them up, instead they eat the shrubbery. I actually saw a handful while walking the dogs, but the density did not begin to approach the 1,000,000/acre of which the WaPost warned. Maybe these were scouts, wary of people with frying pans.

The important part of the infestation for our purposes is that I’ve been inspired to write another song. This time to the tune of the Angel’s “My Boyfriend’s Back.”

 

The bugs are back and there’s gonna be trouble

(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)

When you see them fly you better cut out on the double

(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)

 

Cicadas been gone for such a long time,

(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)

Better watch your step don’t slip on insect slime

(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)

 

And the trees are full of buzzin’

And the males are wantin lovin’

 

A mating dance right on your front lawn

(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)

They’re here right now, about a trillion strong

(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)

 

Buried underground for 17 years

(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)

It’s time to mate, so cover up your ears

(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)

 

And the trees are full of buzzin’

And the males are wantin lovin’

 

Beady red eyes on a body one inch long (Wa–ooh, Wa–ooh)

Eating your shrubs while they play a mating song  (Wa–ooh)

It’s time to flee

 

The bugs are back and there’s gonna be trouble

(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)

When you see them fly you better cut out on the double

(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)

Dance Like No One Is Watching

This has been a very heavy week for us. On Monday, the Boston Marathon was hit with two bombs, and last night, a small, central Texas town was partially leveled by an explosion at a chemical plant factory. This video is not to take away from those lives who have been lost or harmed in these two horrible events, but is, instead, an anthem to what life should be.

Daily Mail Online featured a story today, which they titled: “‘Dancing queen’ caught on camera bopping at a bus stop while listening to music on her headphones becomes internet hit”. A quote from the article states:

Nigel Cox said: ‘I hope she realises just how fantastic she is. A really positive advertisement of how life should be enjoyed, each and every day.’

Dance like no one is watching! You never know when your last day on earth will be! Enjoy every day to its fullest! Love completely! Live life with joy!

Obama’s SOTU: We Must, We Might, I Want

“…and I want a fire truck, and a baseball glove, and a cowboy hat!”

So seemed to go President Obama’s State of the Union wish list. It sounded like Christmas with captive parents in the form of the Congress and a few Supreme Court Justices. Repeatedly, he went so far as to challenge Congress to pass bills, that he would immediately sign.

Interestingly, but hardly surprising to me, was the president’s line that the government should work for the many, not the few. It was almost a shame that an address which had at its beginning the admonition that Americans do not expect government to solve every problem, melted into such a typical democrat-soapbox scolding and special interest parade. And by the way, if the people on CNBC, Bloomberg, and Fox Business were not paying attention, the president has also declared the economic crisis to be “over”.

President Obama says he now wants “reasonable compromise” with Congress on bills and spending, and one wonders if he means an actual working together and arriving at a consensus, or more of the usual media-led narrative of Republican obstructionism and of the bogus narrative of Democrats trying their hardest to do the tough jobs. The president warned that “…sudden, harsh, and arbitrary cuts” would cost Americans jobs. Suddenly taking heavy-handed measures that seriously affect an economy, matter.

Speaking of affecting the economy in a heavy-handed way, the president also now wants to reform Obamacare, basing the changes on the Simpson-Bowles commission’s recommendations. The president would also like to reform the bloated tax code – not in any serious way, but to eliminate tax loop-holes (they’re simply costing the government too much money to continue to allow them). Closing his thoughts on the economy, the president says with a straight face that we cannot pass our current debt and deficit on to future generations.

We must rebuild the middle class as well. Predicating a rebuilt middle class, President Obama says, is ensuring people receive training so they can gain employment. This blogger is unsure how job training will create positions for middle class workers to fill, but that is in the presidential plan’s fine print, I am sure. The president’s emphasis on education will first be felt however, by ensuring that three and four-year old children have access to pre-schools. (Again, making something available, is far from making sure that children actually attend those pre-schools.)

Going forward in his wishlist, President Obama wants to see cars completely off oil for good. One would be tempted to ask, what kinds of cars would Americans drive then? With a power grid that is already taxed, and with EPA regulations closing coal-fired power plants, how would electric cars fill that gap? See, the president has thought that out as well, and he would like to see far more investment in alternative energy sources, like solar power and wind power. Along with those switches, he would like to see the power grid revamped to ensure better delivery and usage of electricity. (Who would necessarily pay for that? The president would probably say, “the power creating and distributing companies”. The power creating and distributing companies would, of course, turn and look at their customers…)

A problem that continues to hamper U.S. growth, is the aging infrastructure. The aforementioned power grid is old, and the roads and bridges are in need of new asphalt and paint. The president says CEOs would necessarily flock back to the United States if the country would only build them roads to haul their goods across, and high-speed rail to travel over. “If you build it, they will come” – yes, the president says as much. He would have us believe that jobs can develop as a by-product of paving roads and  creating high-speed rail routes.

To ensure fewer families have to struggle to meet their basic necessities, President Obama also would like to see the federal minimum wage increased. Without mentioning the effect of hurting first-time job seekers, and making minimum wage jobs even tougher to get, Obama paints a minimum wage increase as a help to all minimum wage workers.

Toward the end, the president finally mentions some of the less important things bothering Americans. First, he acknowledged a poor, 102 year old lady, who had to wait hours just to vote. There is no word on whether he has decided to invite discouraged voters in Philadelphia, intimidated by night-stick holding Black Panthers, to his next State of the Union Address to address their voting issues.
He also mentioned the unavoidable, and often seized-upon-by-the-left topic, gun violence in America. He made mention in glowing words of a gunned down young girl, from Chicago, killed only three weeks after having attended the presidential inauguration. Despite the murder of the young girl, being committed illegally, in a harsh gun-control city, Obama would like to see more laws on the books to further scare criminals into becoming law-abiding citizens…

So, to recap:

  • His presidency, marked by massive gifts to special interests, should work for everyone.
  • The most partisan administration ever wants “reasonable compromise”.
  • Obamacare, over-reaching and over-promising, needs revision before it is entirely in effect.
  • The middle class who cannot find jobs now, due to an anemic economy, need to be better trained. Then they will suddenly find jobs.
  • Oil, which has been for over 100 years the driver of the American economy, needs to be replaced. Ostensibly with something that is as cost-effective and energy rich as petroleum.
  • Road and rails will bring jobs. We need better roads and rails, and suddenly the jobs will begin flooding back into the United States from countries with potholes and uneven rails.
  • Finally, minimum wage needs raising. Why? Because the workers who make it already are not being challenged enough by the Obama economy, and need another ball to juggle.

You will pardon me if I scoff at the entirety of the State of the Union address, and at the president’s continuing naivete on anything economic. He shows once again, that he is a great theorist and philosopher, but where the electric-powered rubber meets the newly-paved road – he has not moved an inch where he started, four years ago.

The entire State of the Union address can be found here:
http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/02/12/president-barack-obamas-state-union-address

The eHarmony/Match.com alternative: Te’ocatfish.com

It didn’t take long for the spoofs to start.

YouTube Description:

eHarmony has 29 levels of compatibility and Match.com thinks you can “Make Love Happen Today”… the only problem is, both companies expect you to fill out complicated dating forms that take forever to complete… We think we’ve figured out what happened to Manti Te’o… he just chose the wrong dating service… apparently there’s a reason you take the time to fill out those never ending forms.

The Progressive Bible: Al Gore and the Yacht

al_gore_prophetChapter 6

6:1 And it came to pass, when men began to overpopulate the face of the earth, and filthy human children were born unto them,

6:2 That the sons of Obama saw that the human children were too many; and they clamored for him to declare a one child policy.

6:3 And Obama said, My soaring oratory shall not always strive with man, for he is but flesh: yet my days in office shall be but fourteen hundred and sixty days. Yea, it is better to implement abortion on demand.

6:4 There were giant welfare payments in those days; and also after that, when the sons of Obama came on to the daughters of men, and they bare children to them; Obama was unto them all their sugar daddy.

6:5 And Obama saw that the laziness of man was great in the earth, and the only channels man watched were ESPN and Playboy continually. They seemed not to care any longer for his continual prime-time speeches.

6:6 And it repented Obama that he was president over the entire earth, and it grieved him in his heart.

6:7 And Obama said, I will destroy the men whom do not approve of my job performance from the face of the earth; both men, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; all the ugly animals (though not the cute ones, which have protected status) for it repenteth him that he were president over them.

6:8 But Al Gore found grace in the eyes of Obama.

6:9 These are the generations of Gore: Gore was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Gore walked with Obama.

6:10 And Gore begat three sons, Jones, Mann, and Hansen.

6:11 The earth also was corrupt before Obama, and the earth was filled with carbon dioxide.

6:12 And Obama looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for the unfettered free market had corrupted all upon the earth.

6:13 And Obama said unto Gore, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with carbon dioxide through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with global warming.

6:14 Find thee a luxury yacht of non-petroleum based polymers; viewing rooms for thy movie An Inconvenient Truth shalt thou make in the yacht, and thou shalt pitch it within and without with used car salesman-like aplomb.

6:15 And this is the fashion of the yacht which thou shalt find: The length of the yacht shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.

6:16 A big screen home theater shalt thou make in the yacht, and with projectors and power-point presentations though shalt fill it; and thou shalt quote nodding scientific experts; with clever editing and false images shalt thou make thy them.

6:17 And, behold, man shall bring upon himself a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die until all shall call upon me for mercy, and I shall lower the waters.

6:18 But with thee will I establish a climate exchange; and thou shalt come in with me in my venture, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives with thee.

6:19 And every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the yacht, to keep them alive with thee; two each of undisclosed gender.

6:20 Of penguins after their kind, and polar bears after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.

6:21 And take thou unto thee some granola, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.

6:22 Thus did Gore; according to all that Obama commanded him, so did he.

Chapter 7

7:1 And Obama said unto Gore, Come thou all into thy viewing room in the yacht; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.

7:2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens: and of beasts that are not clean by two.

7:3 Of penguins also by sevens; to keep their seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

7:4 For yet seven days, it will rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance shall be wiped off the face of the earth.

7:5 And Gore did according unto all that Obama commanded him.

7:6 And Gore’s movie was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.

7:7 And Gore went in, and his sons, and his ex-wife Tipper, and his sons’ wives with him, and his masseuse, into the yacht, because of the waters of the flood.

7:8 Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,

7:9 There went in two and two unto Gore into the yacht, as Obama had commanded Gore.

7:10 And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.

7:11 In the six hundredth year of Gore’s movie, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.

7:12 And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

7:13 In the selfsame day entered Gore, and Hansen, and Mann, and Joneseth, the sons of Gore, his masseuse, and Gore’s ex-wife Tipper, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the yacht;

7:14 They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort, and especially penguins.

7:15 And they went in unto Gore into the yacht, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.

7:16 And they that went in, went in as Obama had commanded him: and he shut him in.

7:17 And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the luxury yacht, and it was lifted up above the earth.

7:18 And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the yacht went upon the face of the waters.

7:19 And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the metropolitan areas, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.

7:20 Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and even the Himalayan icecaps were covered.

7:21 And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:

7:22 All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.

7:23 And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Gore only remained alive, and they that were with him in the yacht.

7:24 And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.

Chapter 8

8:1 And Obama remembered Gore, and every living thing, and all the other animals that were with him in the yacht: and Obama passed wind over the earth, and the waters assuaged;

8:2 The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven Obama stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;

8:3 And Obama lifted his hand and the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.

8:4 And the yacht rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountain Ismellarat.

8:5 And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.

8:6 And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Gore opened the window of the yacht which he had borrowed from his friend John Kerry:

8:7 And he sent forth a polar bear, which swam forth to and fro on ice chunks, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.

8:8 Also he sent forth a penguin from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;

8:9 But the polar bear found no rest from its swimming, and returned unto him into the luxury yacht, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took the bear, and pulled it unto him into the yacht.

8:10 And the bear stayed yet another seven days; and again he sent forth the polar bear out of the yacht;

8:11 And the bear came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in its mouth was a baby seal head: so Gore knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.

8:12 And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the bear; which returned not again unto him any more.

8:13 And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year since the release of Gore’s movie, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Gore opened up the sun roof of the yacht, and he stood and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.

8:14 And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.

8:15 And Obama spake unto Gore, saying,

8:16 Go forth of the yacht, thou, and thy ex-wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives, and thy masseuse with thee.

8:17 Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.

8:18 And Gore went forth, with his masseuse, and his sons, and his ex-wife, and his sons’ wives with him:

8:19 Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the yacht.

8:20 And Gore built an altar unto the sun god; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.

8:21 And Obama smelled a sweet savour, somewhat like southern BBQ; and Obama asked himself, why was I not invited? There can be no other gods but me! Then again, is there not enough room for cultural diversity? he reflected. I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. There are death panels for that.

8:22 While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. But we can always blame man for it.

Chapter 9

9:1 And Obama blessed Gore and his sons, and said unto them, Be deceitful, and always lie, and prevaricate upon the earth.

9:2 And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every small business owner, and upon every corporate CEO, upon all that tradeth upon the earth, and upon all the enterprises of the earth; into your hand are they delivered.

9:3 Everything that produceth carbon dioxide shall be for thee a source of revenue; even as the green herb has given you all thy inspiration.

9:4 And human flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall itself be taxed until it is no longer a source of pollution.

9:5 And surely the blood of your lives will the earth’s balance require; for the benefit of every beast shall it require it; and for the sake of all living things will I require the life of man.

9:6 Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, is doing the earth a great service: for man is but a feeding parasite, who never resteth.

9:7 And you, be ye deceitful, and always lie; bring forth lies abundantly in the earth, and multiply them therein.

9:8 And Obama spake unto Gore, and to his sons with him, saying,

9:9 And I, behold, I establish my climate exchange with you, and with your seed after you;

9:10 And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the yacht, to every beast of the earth.

9:11 And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth. For with a wave of my hand, I have lowered the oceans and the seas.

9:12 And Obama said, This billion dollar grant is a token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, except mankind, for perpetual generations:

9:13 I will set my climate exchange in Chicago, and it shall be a source of endless revenue and wealth redistribution upon the earth. For the sin against climate is great, and demands redistribution.

9:14 And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the smiling face of Gore shall be seen in the sky, and I shall make a promise to his descendants of multiple trillions of dollars in the form of a rainbow:

9:15 And I will remember my covenant to make thee a climate exchange, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh, but mankind; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.

9:16 And the rainbow promise will ensure that anyone who lacks faith in manmade climate change shall be ostracized and denied academic tenure; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between me and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth, save mankind.

9:17 And Obama said unto Gore, This  rainbow is the token of the covenant, which I have established with the environmentalist lobby.

Read other chapters of The Progressive Bible:

What I Find Offensive — Socialism

Allow me to ventilate something that’s on my chest and not worry about leftists’ precious feelings.

Racism, sexism, bigotry, homophobia, Islamophobia, misogyny and bronyism — all abhorrent in their various manifestations. (I won’t lie, I find My Little Ponies strangely erotic.) Yet none of these stupid ideas by themselves killed anyone. They were, well, stupid ideas.

Socialism as some laudable political system that is going to save us all from… work? Dumb meets deadly. And death, except when it comes to kittens and marmosets, is something I find extremely offensive.

It’s true that racism has inspired hateful bigotry and full grown men running around in white sheets and pointy hats. And no, not just Democrats. Well, mostly Democrats, but I digress.

But properly constrained within an economic system that protects property rights, and away from depraved mustached guys with Panzer tanks, then racism is a despicable ideology that leads to idiotic name-calling and not much else. It’s a fetish that grows within the vile petri dish of misguided redneck outrage, and in its most virulent form, not many places outside of that.

And that’s what racism has become in modern America in the majority of cases: a grievance of people who don’t like their feelings hurt, and not a justification for real oppression. Thank goodness all races can become super-rich millionaires simply by whacking little sticks with little balls (but enough about my sex life).

I hate racists and actual racism. There I said it. But I also hate when people misuse the charged emotions and hurt feelings the epithet “racist” provokes to advance an ulterior motive — say, socialism.

Oh, I’m sorry. Am I allowed to say “socialism”? Or has that become one of those unmentionable ‘isms’? We could switch to progressivism, if you’d prefer. That’s the watered-down Kool-aid form, the Flavor Aid of socialism, if you will. (I’m sorry if you found that remark racist. Alright, no I’m not.)

Socialism is pretty much the opposite of everything America stands for. Individual rights for all kinds of people — blacks, whites, Latinos, dwarves, midget dwarves, little people, and even freaks like me. Private property, so that other people (whether they call themselves the IRS or not) can’t steal your bling. Limited government, because who the hell is in favor of unlimited government? That’s right, progressives.

Ask a progressive when the government has gone too far and she’s likely to tell you that it stops at her bedroom. Or the womb. Except if it’s springing for a case of Magnums and a bottle of Fire & Ice lubrigel — then it’s party on!

What progressives don’t get is that in order to buy those Democrat pleasure packs (which will be handed out by Sandra Fluke at the next convention) ‘government’ had to slink into someone’s bedroom like a sexy Anne Hathaway in full black leather bodysuit and knee-high glossy stilettos to slip someone’s wallet out of his side dresser drawer.

Ironically, as he dreamt about Anne Hathaway.

Anyway, the point is there is nothing sacred to a socialist government, and once you give up your economic freedom, pretty much everything else follows. You can complain all you want about Bible thumpers as you’re working on the state farm for vodka and white bread rations, but it’s likely to get you more blank stares than Honey Boo Boo accepting a Grammy for her song about Kim Kardashian. Because the tike’s belt doesn’t match her boots, the little ignoramus.

Disagreeing with a Democrat president who happens to be black is not racist. It may show an affinity for “hate facts,” but it doesn’t mean you think the white race is superior to the black race (or vice versa). It certainly isn’t offensive to point out President Obama has a suspect history of economic failure that just happens to benefit the Democrat Party. Purely by coincidence, one can be sure.

But socialism? There’s a seedy backstory to that ideology that would make even Sasha Grey blush. So we’re not supposed to talk about it, because it’s noble and stuff — at least that’s what my professors kept telling me. We’re talking poverty, and mass murder, and misery, and really bad jokes. (If I hear one more “In Russia bad joke make you” kind of joke, I’m going to beat someone’s groin area with a wiffle-ball bat. There I go again.)

The phony taking offense at anyone who doesn’t adhere to the Democrat Party line, crying racism, and sexism, and bigotry like a five-year-old with a PC version of Tourette’s syndrome, just doesn’t cut the mustard anymore. Some conservatives are on to the left’s Frankfurt School games (and no, that’s not the biennial culinary Olympics for hot dog chefs).

I’ll see your racism, and raise you an ‘ism’ — socialism. And since more than half of Democrats think it’s pretty keen, it’s legitimate to drag the hundred million skeletons out of the socialist closet. One last time. Because it’s politically useful.

The dead bodies, the broke economies, the starvation, the ruin, the shattered lives, the debt piled onto my kids’ backs, their limited futures, the ignorance of history, the blithe insistence that naysayers don’t get it — I find that all pretty offensive. And, as Greg Gutfeld might say, if you don’t agree — that probably makes you a socialist.

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