Tag Archives: Barney Frank

Thanks for the Too Big to Fail Memories – Sandy Weill

paul-bunyan-06.png

After raking off three quarters of a billion dollars, Sandy Weill now says it may be time to separate commercial banking from investment banking.

On Wednesday Weill said, “What we should probably do is go and split up investment banking from banking,” He continued, “Have banks do something that’s not going to risk the taxpayer dollars, that’s not too big to fail.” “There is such a feeling among people, among regulators, among the political system all over the world, against the banking system, and I don’t think that’s going to change so soon.”

This is the same Sandy Weill, who was the one time CEO of Travelers Insurance, one of the world’s largest insurance companies. He cooked up a scheme in 1998 to merge his company with Salmon Smith Barney, one of the largest investment banks and John Reed’s Citicorp, one of the world’s largest commercial banks. The result was a super-bank called Citigroup. In 1998 Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, President Bill Clinton and Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin approved the merger, even though it violated prohibitions enacted in the Glass-Steagall act of 1933.

In 1999, under the leadership of the Clinton administration, and with the encouragement of then Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin, the repeal of key provisions in the Glass-Steagall act by the Gramm-Leach-Bilely Act of 1999 gave legitimacy to the Citigroup merger.

The Glass-Steagall Act of 1933, also known as the Banking Act of 1933 (48 Stat. 162) was passed in response to the stock market crash of 1929 and the subsequent failures within the banking system. Essentially the Act’s purpose was to prohibit commercial banks from engaging in the investment business. The Gramm-Leach-Bilely Act of 1999 removed many of the barriers that Glass-Steagall had erected. Finally Gramm-Leach-Bilely set up the ability for banks, investment houses and insurance companies to become hopelessly intertwined and to grow so large as to become “too big to fail.” It was signed into law by President Clinton.

Gramm-Leach-Bilely blurred the line between investment, insurance and lending, and weakened the enforcement provisions against sub-prime and predatory loans. After the law’s passage, sub-prime lending skyrocketed. In a paper for the St. Louis Federal Reserve System, Souphala Chomsisengphet and Anthony Pennington-Cross point out: “the market share of the top 25 firms making sub-prime loans grew from 39.3 percent in 1995 to over 90 percent in 2003. Many firms that started the sub-prime industry either have failed or were purchased by larger institutions.” Such purchases which would have been prohibited before the Gramm-Leach-Bilely Act.

When asked if he would re-instate Glass-Steagall in 2007, Barrack Obama said, “Well, no. The argument is not to go back to the regulatory framework of the 1930′s because, as I said, the financial markets have changed substantially.”

Today former senator Chris Dodd, co-sponsor of the Dodd-Frank Act which is an attempt at renewed banking regulation, and though intended to reduce the chance of another banking crisis, actually exacerbates the problem by piling so many onerous regulations on small community banks that they are giving up and merging with large commercial banks, told CNBC’s “Squawk Box” “When I first heard about it (Sandy Weill’s comments) it sort of reminded me of Paul Bunyan becoming an ecologist.” He went on to say that forcing all large banks to downsize was “too simplistic,” saying that Citi’s former chief was wrong to call for an end to financial supermarkets. “Just breaking up the banks is not the solution,” Dodd said. He insisted the tools of Dodd-Frank could, in extreme circumstances, be used to break up a systemically risky institution.

“The legislation allows for that Draconian step to be taken if necessary, not just with banks but with institutions that pose substantial risk to the country. They have the power and authority under this legislation to actually do that.”

So while Sandy Weill is calling for a return to the type of regulation and banking system he himself destroyed, we will once again have to live with the unintended consequences of laws passed by those who know little about the subject of those laws.

Trump isn't the only thing stinking at the ION/Newsmax debate

On December 27th, some of the remaining GOP Presidential candidates will be debating on the ION network co-sponsored by Newsmax.

Much of the recent bluster has been about the moderator – Donald Trump, but he’s not the only poor choice Newsmax and ION have made. Former CNN News Division Chief Eason Jordan will be one of the producers of the event.

Mr. Jordan was pressured to resign from CNN in 2005 after making statements that our troops in Iraq were deliberately targeting and killing journalists. At the World Economic Forum, Mr. Jordan said “he knew of about 12 journalists who had not only been killed by American troops, but had been targeted as a matter of policy,” said Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass) who was on the “Will Democracy Survive the Media?” panel with Mr. Jordan.

CNN then furiously spun the comments as having been misconstrued and “taken out of context” by a few bloggers. In the end, Mr. Jordan’s tenure at CNN came to an end.

That’s only the most recent of Eason’s mis-steps. His time in CNN’s Baghdad bureau was tarnished by his cover-up of Saddam’s violent and murderous acts against Iraqis and his own bureau’s staff – all so that he wouldn’t lose his position at the bureau.

Eason is no great model of integrity. Add on Trump and you have a debate more fit to be a circus side-show than a Presidential event.

I don’t blame Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul one bit for passing on this debate. I won’t be watching either – and I haven’t missed one yet.

Frankly Barney, You Won’t Be Missed

When I learned Cong. Barney Frank (D–Libertine) was retiring after 30 years in the House, my first thought was don’t let the door hit you in the behind. That’s because Frank personifies everything that’s wrong with the political class currently infesting our nation’s capitol.

Frank is morally, politically and ethically corrupt. This Democrat party leader helped produce a nation that’s economically crippled and morally adrift. He may be the Congressman from Taxachusetts, but everyone is enjoying his legacy.

When the first warnings regarding the housing bubble were sounded Frank was rabid in his defense of federally supported Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac’s ‘come one, come all’ lending practices. Frank stated, “I do not want the same kind of focus on safety and soundness. I want to roll the dice a little bit more in this situation towards subsidized housing.”

What Frank didn’t say was that he had used his influence as a member of the House Financial Services Committee to land his homosexual lover a job at Fannie Mae. So while Frank was rolling our dice his boyfriend was one of the croupiers.

Herman Cain may have been squeezin’ the Charmin while he was head of the National Restaurant Association, but I guarantee he didn’t twist arms at Denny’s to get them to hire his sweetie.

Unfortunately, Frank’s roll of the dice came up snake eyes for the rest of us as we continue to endure the Great Recession.
Are foreclosed homes lowering your property values and contributing to the decline of your neighborhood? Thank Barney Frank.

Are you having trouble refinancing because loan documentation is causing you to jump through hoop after hoop? Is getting a loan to buy a new home impossible because down payment requirements have skyrocketed? Or is selling your home difficult because every appraisal is low–balled? Thank Barney Frank.

Are your annual dues increasing while your homeowner’s association is simultaneously cutting back on services due to budget deficits caused by foreclosures? Thank Barney Frank.

Is your retirement nest egg now your retirement embryo after your 401k tanked? Thank Barney Frank.
Lacking any moral compass, Frank doesn’t feel any shame over what his advocacy and legislative record caused. He doesn’t fade into the background. Instead, as Chairman of the Financial Services Committee, he co–authors the Frank–Dodd financial reform legislation that’s supposed to repair what he’s destroyed.

Only in Democrat party politics does the master of the disaster get to write the legislation that’s supposed to clean up the mess. At least the captain of the Titanic had the decency to go down with his ship. Frank would have demanded a seat in the lifeboat so he could direct the rescue.

But why shouldn’t Frank feel entitled? His longevity is a product of a gerrymandered district that made him impervious to public opinion. Frank’s first scandal involved putting a live–in homosexual hustler and convicted drug dealer on his House office payroll. Frank used his position to fix parking tickets for his roommate and later lied to a Virginia prosecutor who was investigating the prostitution ring the hustler was running out of Frank’s townhouse.

Then Frank finds a new boyfriend and puts him on the job at Fannie Mae. Now Frank’s latest paramour is growing marijuana in their home, but who knows, maybe Massachusetts voters believe progressing from prostitution ring landlord to in–home illegal agriculture is progress.

Barney Frank’s personal and political record is a living endorsement of term limits. He survived for 30 years because his district was drawn to prevent Republicans from running and Democrat political insiders prevented primary opponents from challenging him.

Term limits would prevent much of that insider gaming of the political system. There is simply no reason for someone to be in Congress for 30 years.

And please spare me the “seniority means we have more clout” argument. Seniority rewards longevity, not productivity. If your elected representative is able, your district will have influence.

There is a perfect example near where I live in Virginia. Del. Jackson Miller (R–Manassas) was just elected Majority Whip by the Republican caucus in the House of Delegates. This puts him number four in the House hierarchy, yet he’s only been in office since 2006. Miller didn’t have to get arthritis in service of the public before his merit was recognized.

The average tenure of a CEO in business is six years; surely a Congressman can do enough to have a post office named after him in twelve.

Good riddance to Barney Frank. Now if only two or three hundred members would follow him out the door there might be a chance to change the incestuous culture in Washington.

Barney Frank Ruins Mayan Expert's Big Break On TV


Barney Frank announced that he wasn’t running for re-election yesterday, and it’s almost like you could see the rays of sunlight beaming down on him while an angel’s chorus sang out, right?  A lot of people were happy that he made his announcement yesterday, but do you know who wasn’t?  This guy:

Arthur Demarest got to talk for about 18 seconds, before the news anchor cut him off to cover Barney Frank’s retirement announcement, and that’s just sad.  You can see that he went through a lot of trouble to come on and talk about the Mayan Calendar; it broke my heart.  There’s Arthur, all dressed up in a nice jacket.  He’s got a scenic skyline pictured behind him.  Here he was about to have his big break.  He was going to talk about the Mayan Calendar on America’s largest news channel, and then… BAM.  He gets “Franked”.  Barney Frank pulls the rug right out from under him.

Well, don’t worry, Arthur.  You’re not the first person that Barney’s Franked.  But hopefully, you’ll be the last, now that he’s getting out of Congress.  He’s done enough harm, and at one point or another, Barney’s Franked us all.

What are your thoughts on the distinguished congressmen’s retirement?  And what about poor Arthur?  Should he be invited back on?  Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.  And as always, gobble gobble.  (or something like that.. this holiday weekend was a bit too long)

Note:  “Franked” refers to Barney’s self-centered and self-serving policies that have harmed our nation over the years, and is not intended as a euphemism.

Gay Liberal Rep. Barney Frank Calls it Quits: Good Riddance

After 32 long years of representing Massachusetts District 04 in the U.S. House of Representatives, Congressman Barney Frank has announced he will not be running for reelection in 2012. The openly gay Liberal (see fake Democrat) says his new district lines would force him to campaign aggressively, a task his 71 year old body may not be up to handling any longer. With the other half of the Dodd-Frank financial reform bill, Chris Dodd out in California working as a stealth lobbyist for the Hollywood motion picture association, now both [supposed] financial reform architects will be far away from DC by the time the real nasty elements of the Dodd-Frank bill start to be enforced in the coming years.

Photo: Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images

When researching other articles about Frank’s retirement, there was one disgusting pattern of irresponsibility in pushing of the gay lifestyle embedded in many of the so called news articles. Being an effective legislator is one thing, but celebrating someone’s perversions of sexual relationships such as in the same sex lifestyle of Barney Frank, as being supposedly some kind of heroic example for our children to follow is a disgusting bunch of societal manipulation that should be called out every time it rears it’s ugly, perverted head in our society today! While the ignorant puppet-parrots of the left might not mind their children going to sleep with visions of Barney Frank mounting his man-child lover whom worked at Fannie Mae, or vice-versa, as in gay Liberal Barney Frank being mounted by his man-child lover, you sick, demented, perverted parasites of the left need to keep your queer lifestyles out of all of America’s children’s lives and schools. Parents, you need to pay attention more so than ever today. For those of you who want grandchildren from your own bloodlines, maybe you should be teaching your children about how the fact that them giving you authentic grandchildren of your bloodlines and lineage becomes an impossibility when 2 men or 2 women marry each other.

Gay Liberal Barney Frank is getting out of Congress right before many of his Dodd-Frank financial rules take effect. His bed-pal (pun intended) in the Dodd-Frank bill has already high-tailed it out of DC. The Dodd-Frank [supposed] financial reform bill has some nasty elements yet to be exposed, and gay-boy-lover Frank does not want to be around when those facts come to light.The Dodd-Frank {supposed} financial reform, bill did not address the biggest fraud that caused the housing crash of 2008 in the first place: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and Progressives everyone-deserves-a-house-regardless-of-
proven-ability-to-pay vote-begging schemes of the 2006-2008 elections. Yes, the Progressive Gay Liberal Barney Frank is finally retiring from Congress.

Good frigging riddance!

Barney Frank to Leave the House

Barney Frank dares GOP to raise the debt ceilingIn a press conference at 1pm EST, Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass) is going to announce why he will not seek re-seek his seat in the House of Representatives during the 2012 election.

After 32 years in Congress, the colorful, often bombastic and caustic Representative from Massachusetts will call it quits.

The openly-gay Congressman is a promoter of gay rights and a co-sponsor of the contentious Dodd-Frank financial reform act that is often cited as a major hinderence to the economic recovery in the United States.

Massachusetts was already set to lose one seat due to Congressional re-districting and this could cost the firmly blue state a seat that was all but guaranteed.

No comment was immediately available from the Congressman’s office and his spokesman would only say that the reason for Rep. Frank’s decision to leave Congress would be obvious at 1pm.

Green Libs and Rahm

I am Bam.

I am Bam.
Bam I am.

That Bam-I-am!
That Bam-I-am!
I do not like
that Bam-I-am!

Do you like
green libs and Rahm?

I do not like them,
Bam-I-am.
I do not like
green libs and Rahm.

Would you like them
on Wall Street?

I would not like them
on Wall Street.
I would not like them
eating meat.
I do not like
green libs and Rahm.
I do not like them,
Bam-I-am.

Would you like them
in the House?
Would you like them
as your spouse?

I do not like them
in the House.
I do not like them
as my spouse.
I do not like them
on Wall Street.
I do not like them
eating meat.
I do not like green libs and Rahm.
I do not like them, Bam-I-am.

Anthony Weiner

Would you like them
as a Weiner?
Would you like them
for your deener?

Not as a Weiner.
Not as my deener.
Not in the House.
Not as my spouse.
I would not like them Barney Frank.
I would not like them they smell rank.
I would not like green libs and Rahm.
I do not like them, Bam-I-am.

Would you? Could you?
With Joe Biden?
Like them! Like them!
Mouth be widen.

I would not,
could not,
with Joe Biden.

You may like libs.
You will see.
You may like libs
Eat a pea!

I would not, eat a little pea.
Not with Biden! You let me be.

I do not like them as a Weiner.
I do not like them for my deener.
I do not like them in the House.
I do not like them as my spouse.
I do not like them on Wall Street.
I do not like them eating meat.
I do not like green libs and Rahm.
I do not like them, Bam-I-am.

A Pelosi! A Pelosi!
A Pelosi! A Pelosi!
Could you, would you,
with Pelosi?

Not with some Botox! Not with a pea!
Not with Pelosi! Bam! Let me be!

I would not, could not, as a Weiner.
I could not, would not, for my deener.
I will not like them in the House.
I will not like them dirty louse.
I will not like them on Wall Street.
I will not like them with some meat.
I do not like green libs and Rahm.
I do not like them, Bam-I-am.

Say!
With Eric Holder?
Here with Eric Holder!
Would you, could you, with Eric Holder?

I would not, could not,
with Eric Holder.

Would you, could you, with Debbie Downer?

I would not, could not,
with Debbie Downer.
Not in the House. Not on TV.
Not as a Weiner. Not as my deener.
I do not like them, Bam, you see.

Not with a Barney. Not as a Frank.
Not as a Weiner. Not with his crank.
I will not like them on Wall Street.
I do not like them eating meat!

You do not like
green libs and Rahm?

I do not
like them,
Bam-I-am.

Could you, would you,
with Michelle?

I would not,
could not,
with Michelle!

Would you, could you,
were she in Hell?

I could not, would not, with Michelle.
I will not, will not, though she’s in Hell.
I will not like them Barney Frank.
I will not like them they smell rank.
Not as a Weiner! Not as my deener!
Not in the House! Not as my spouse!
I do not like them on Wall Street.
I do not like them eating meat.
I do not like green libs and Rahm.
I do not like them, Bam-I-am.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them ANYWHERE!

I do not like
green libs and Rahm!
I do not like them,
Bam-I-am.

You do not like them.
So you say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them and you may, I say.

Bam!
If you will let me be,
I will try them.
You will see.

Say!
I still hate green libs and Rahm!
I do! I hate them, Bam-I-am!
And I won’t like them as a Weiner.
And I won’t like them for my deener.
And I won’t like them in the House.
Or on Wall Street. Or as my spouse.
Or with some Botox, or with a pea.
They are so awful, bad, you see!

So I won’t eat them like a pea,
While watching Biden on TV.
And I won’t like them in the House.
And I won’t like them filthy louse.
And I won’t like them like a Weiner
And I won’t like them for my deener.
AND I won’t like them here or there.
Say! I don’t like them ANYWHERE!

I do so hate
green libs and Rahm!
Screw You!
Screw You,
Bam-I-am!

—PolarCoug (With an assist compliments of Dr. Seuss!)

TSA fires 28 Honolulu Bag Screeners after "Probe"

Honolulu International Airport

Maui-wowie, man! That’s awesome! The Transportation Security Administration just fired twenty-eight bag screeners at Honolulu International Airport after an extensive criminal probe. In fact, this is the first time I’ve ever approved of reading “TSA” and “probe” in the same sentence…oh, wait. It seems they were only screening for cash and jewels. You mean me and my two young grandkids removed our shoes for nothing? We could have put the C4 in the bags? They fired twenty-eight bag screeners? Holy North Shore Batman! They should all be lei-ed off! Every last thieving one of them! Don’t forget the gropers, either. “Do you have any bombs, explosives, plutonium, or currently glowing nuclear devices or materials to declare? Next!” Twenty-eight TSA workers fired? That’s a good start. But if we fire twenty-eight an hour we can get rid of most of them quite quickly! I’m sure they could quickly hook up (no pun intended) with the porn or massage industries. It’s not like they don’t have experience or sumtin’. And there are seven-hundred and fifty TSA employees wandering around at just one airport? Does anyone else see that as a problem? I also like the idea of getting rid of TSA completely and just giving everyone a weapon. The first guy to pull out a weapon is the terrorist; the second guy… is everyone else. Good luck, first guy. You know why Obama flies Air Force 1? Because the TSA doesn’t let terrorists fly commercial.

The TSA saga continues. How ironic! TSA gets probed. Over 10 years, $1B+ spent, and what to show for it? Thousands of women groped, but not a single terrorist identified! Has the captain ever asked you to fasten your suicide belts? Fly Jihad Airways! But never fear, at least they hand out free 9/11 coloring books. Yay, union labor! To be fair, if they screened all of the bags they wouldn’t have had time to watch the strip searches. Why would they screen for explosives when the x-ray porno movies are being shown in the break room? Nobody likes working the X-Ray machine. They all want to be working at the porno scanner or groping your children’s junk. Wasn’t it Shakespeare who first said “To screen or not to screen? That is the question.” Okay, I’m thinking bomb. To screen is the answer. Now, what was the question again? As an aside, if we were talking about Michelle Obama that quote would be “To eat or not to eat. Fat is the question.”

TSA has taken the necessary steps to ensure every bag has been screened properly at HNL since the agency identified the issue. TSA routinely tests security operations to ensure that proper protocols are being followed, and investigates any indication of misconduct. TSA also utilizes a number of checks to ensure bags are being screened properly including the use of CCTV, random inspections, covert tests, as well as peer and management oversight.

TSA management-level staff and National Deployment Force officers have been temporarily assigned to HNL to augment the current staff and continue to ensure that a high level of security operations continues. An effort will commence to hire local permanent replacements in the coming weeks.
—Aero News Network

I tried to get on with the TSA a few years ago but I got rejected. I had too high of an IQ for them. If measured by their overall common sense, competence, professionalism and intelligence, TSA people are right up there with Wal-mart greeters. In fact, I think the greeters actually have the edge. Seriously, the TSA is made up of formerly unemployed Muppets. We need the Mossad to run the organization. That way you would have a legitimate reason to visit Israel and see the pyramids! If they fire all of the TSA employees then all they will have to pay them is welfare and food stamps—of which they already all get anyway; but they would save a lot of money not having to pay them to sit around all day in an airport while smoking crack in the restrooms. Speaking of rest rooms, isn’t it true that TSA employees have particularly wide stances and tap their feet while… you know.

Now, there is no way to blame Bush for this fiasco. It’s all on Barack Hussein Obama. So let’s take a small interlude from the TSA and tell a few Captain Kickass jokes in honor of Barry and The First Lardass:

  • You know, if you took Obama and gave him a higher IQ and some experience, you would have Jimmy Carter.
  • What do Obama and a beer bottle have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.
  • What do you tell an Obama with two black eyes? Nothing. He’s already been told twice.
  • What do you get when you offer Obama a penny for his thoughts? Change.
  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch? Obama.
  • What did the left nut say to the right nut? Obama.
  • I see colleges are offering a new course. Yeah, it’s called Food Stamps 101…living in an Obama economy.
  • I heard Obama got a brain transplant and the brain rejected him.
  • Obama’s so clumsy he got tangled up in a cordless phone.
  • Barry doing stand-up comedy: “The Second Amendment? Of course I support Michelle’s right to bare arms.” Pa-dum-dum
  • Obama does more stand-up: “Come on, I won’t cut off your granny’s health care, just her life support.” Pa-dum-dum
  • “Can’t I just get a straight answer?” – Barney Frank (Now how did THAT get in this column about the TSA? Oh, I know. It’s because Frank is in touch with HIS feelings. Kinda’ like the TSA, which is in touch with OUR feelings.)

Alright, let’s leave the TSA for a moment and further dissect Barney Frank. Last night I was on Twitter and asked my Tweeple to engage in a guessing game. The question was “What is Barney Frank’s favorite insect?” Here are some of the hilariously creative answers I received:

  • Note to self: Not the Cock Goblin. — FunkynFortunate
  • I thought it was the Trouser Worm. —rightwingertoo
  • Ladybug? —madreview
  • Tick? —tacsneakyfast
  • Dungbeetle? — LauraWalkerKC
  • Walking Stick — FAMDOC7
  • White Legged Didlopod —tacsneakyfast
  • A Drag(on) Fly — lafayette41
  • Locust? — TheJosiahQ

The correct answer, you might already have guessed, is the cockroach. But that is enough of our pleasant little diversion concerning the esteemed gentleman from Massachusetts. Speaking of cockroaches, don’t you just get the heebie-jeebies every time you look at a picture of Janet Napolitano? See, I knew I could do it! I managed to get us right back to the TSA! Now, about that little ol’ TSA probe and all? (notice the lack of a verb there? Don’t worry, folks. I’m a professional—just don’t try it at home.) Relax. No Democrat employees were injured during that exercise. Which is surprising considering that Bush spent a lot of money killing terrorists and Obama has spent a lot of money killing jobs.

In conclusion let me just say that my new slogan is “Anthony Weiner in ’12. Cuz One Dick wasn’t enough!”

TSA: Same Stimulus—Different Weiner.

Obama put the BS in joBS

Okay, so you’ve all heard Irene is heading straight at Mister O’Wonderful’s vacation hideout on Martha’s Vineyard. Now, assuming he doesn’t cut-n-run (doubtful) we will see the spectacle of Irene transforming Mister O’Wonderful into Ilean out on the fifth hole. This tasty sight would dispel the notion that Mister O’Wonderful is a centrist. It would be blatantly clear to even the socialist Captain Obvious Bernie Sanders that O’Wonderful leans to the left. Oh, pardon me. He doesn’t lean. Ilean.

But Irene is nothing more than a minor bother to the Lobster Twins despite the predicted giant sucking sounds for Massachusetts this weekend. The real hurricane is gaining strength out in flyover country and the computer models are predicting a direct hit on November 2, 2012. Hurricane forecasters are pointing out that those hurricanes in the Northern Hemisphere spin counterclockwise. For those of you in Queens that means to the right! Don’t get confused, folks— its circular reasoning. We don’t need a weatherman to tell us which way the wind blows… but enough about Bill Ayers.

For all you liberals still in denial, I suggest you forget your troubles for a while and go see a movie. Uh, never mind, chances are that you would just see Patton slap Obama this time around. Hey, isn’t revisionist history wonderful! Anyway, back to November 2nd next year. Obama better hope that he doesn’t have an election lasting more than four hours. Why, you ask? This is why, America …

(__!__) <—– Before Obama, (__O__) <—– After Obama.

Obama has things so fouled up now the Kenyans are saying he was born in the United States. Seriously, my commie friends—I’m just trying to cheer you up. Like you, I’m waiting with baited breath (I am a penguin, after all) to hear that O’Lobster has his claws completely around this jobs thing. But no matter what spews forth from O’Lobster’s pie-hole next month… Never fear! Barry’s got a plan to run the whole economy on rainbow-colored unicorn farts.

Mister O'Wonderful

Mister O’Wonderful

Don’t laugh, I’m serious. Barry and the Banking Queen, Barney Frank, have been squirreled away for weeks now with a laser-like focus on jobs. They’re being proactive. They’re thinking strategically. They’re thinking outside the bun! The danger, of course, is that given his track record, Barney Frank will be tempted to lead from behind. Poor Barney Frank, he’s in over his head. Oh, in the interest of full disclosure I must reveal that this opinion piece has been paid for by the Committee to Erect Anthony Weiner. Sheesh, I heard it through the grapevine that Barney Frank has a staff infection. (I really kill me sometimes!) Sorry, I got off topic there for a bit. Back to more serious news. Anthony Weiner: Wasn’t he the subject of what we were talking about somewhere in the middle of this run-on paragraph? Yes, he was! And the latest news about Weiner is that he is made from one-hundred percent pulled pork! What’s the point? Oh yeah, paragraphs are supposed to have a topic sentence and everything else in the paragraph is supposed to support that topic sentence, right? Well, there’s not much I can do about the sentences I’ve already penned but I’ll get back on topic with the concluding sentence in this grammatical nightmare (Sorry about the dangling participle there, Weiner). Here goes nothing. Barack Obama has the brain of a turkey and I’ll bet the turkey was glad to be rid of it.

The Democrats 2012 campaign strategy: If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with Barack. It has been quite enlightening for those of us who are conservatives to learn about ATM economics. What an education! Oh, the soaring rhetoric that spills from the lips of the Chicago Messiah whenever he speaks about those evil ATMs. But let us cut to the chase about Automatic Teller Machines. Obama’s real problem is that the ATM does not give out money based on a worker’s need and thus is an instrument of oppression. It isn’t like Obama can’t solve this ATM tragedy if he really wants to. Laws that liberals don’t like aren’t really laws, they’re just worded wrong. So Obama can just ignore banking laws in the same manner he ignores court decisions about the unconstitutionality of ObamaCare. He can simply do whatever he wants while we, the great masses of the unwashed, just keep wasting away again down in Obamaville. With fiends like Obama who needs an enema?

Sorry for this disjointed piece of prose. But, you know, you have to be real and these thoughts just keep tumbling out of my brain. It’s a matter of medical health for me. You see, if I don’t write these things down as they spill out of my cranium I end up feeling repressed. And you don’t want a repressed penguin on the loose, do you? So, here is the disjointed thought for this paragraph. The thought I am about to express had its origin in the second paragraph when I brought up the subject of Massachusetts. It sort of wiggled its way out of my frontal lobe and morphed into what you are about to read. Okay, here it is, brain dump time… Gee, someone cheated on a Kennedy…isn’t it usually the other way around? (Sorry, Arnold)

That last paragraph really moved me. Speaking of earthquakes, I hope future quakes create more land. Maybe, just maybe, a new “America” will form and we can have New New York!

Let us conclude with Obama’s job performance, or lack thereof, which is the underlying cause of the hurricane heading straight for a polling booth near you. You need a job and Barry’s just been busy winning the ‘Arab Spring’, one lobster at a time. You want secure borders but are left wondering if man evolved from apes then how do you explain Janet Napolitano? China has a one child policy and we have a one Biden policy. We’re told to watch what we eat while The First Lardass of the United States is swigging premium vodka, devouring lobster, and getting luxurious massages all on our dime. And don’t even get me started on her personal jet for the trip to Martha’s Vineyard. But (butt?) I will excuse that indiscretion this one time because I’m sure the Air Force has weight load limitations on those puny 747s they call Air Force One.

Between campaign appearances, there is no Barack Obama. Barack Obama, the man of a thousand excuses. So, Mister O’Wonderful, is it true that the people who live there on the island can get jobs as instructors at the Kennedy Community Diving and Swim Center in Chappaquiddick?

Hey, Barry! Copernicus called. He said you’re not the center of the universe!

Everybody, get your Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle loaded and hunker down.

And lest you think it is just conservatives that are sick of Barry, today’s news is that Richard Trumpka of AFL-CIO fame is threatening to withdraw union funding from the Democrats. See what happens when you do not vet your candidate, Kool-Aid drinker? Obama is going to plead with Trumpka, arguing that he inherited a mess. But the fact is that he begged for the job knowing that fact. Is he insane? Yes.

But, enough about Barry; next time we will discuss the other half of the Lobster Twins. We’ll all learn why Michelle is a perfect example of taxidermy gone wrong. Stuff it, Barry. Stuff it, Michelle. Stuff it, Joe Biden. Stuff it, Debbie Downer. And, “You first,” Maxine Waters.

Perhaps, now that the Libya conflict is winding down Barry will decide to attack Norway. Forget it, Barry. We can’t afjoird it!

Remember, America, you can’t fix stupid, but you can vote it out.

Obama’s Speech on Deficit Reduction: “My finely honed Political Instincts”

Our Obama, who art on vacation, Hollowed be thy head.
Your limo come, vacation’s done,
in Chicago as it is in Hawaii.

Give us this day our daily cheese,
and forgive us our conservatism,
as we forgive those commie, pinko, progressive, tree-hugging environmentalist wacko Van Jones clones who trespass against us.

And lead us not into solvency,
but deliver us from living within our means.

For thine is the Federal Reserve, and the student loans,
and the Obama stash, forever and ever – at least until the worm turns.
Amen.

The stupidity of Barack Hussein Obama’s supposedly intellectual political arguments goes beyond the pale. No, take that back! Obama didn’t say a thing. TOTUS did all the talking. Obama’s overhyped speech today, Wednesday, April 13th, didn’t deviate one whit from his commie track record. In fact it didn’t even start on time. He was late as usual…word has it that he was on the toilet. Presidentin’ makes you want to “go” don’t cha know. And then rumor has it that while walking to the speech he allegedly stopped along the way to squeeze the fruit – regrettably, Barney Frank couldn’t be reached for comment. Another possible reason given for the lateness of Obama’s arrival at the podium was the suggestion that the Obamas were held up reenacting that scene from the Geico commercial featuring Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln. So Michelle supposedly told Barack to get her something good for her birthday and gives him some hints like “I want something shiny, which goes from zero to 200 in five seconds.” So Barack gets her a scale! But anyway, we digress – Time to get back on track with the weightier matter of the stupidity of Obama’s political speechifying arguments.

He’s a moron when it comes to economics, commerce, business, and finance.  Stealing the message of conservatism from the true conservatives, Obama magnanimously called on both Democrats and Republicans to balance the budget and work toward paying down the debt of the federal government. But then his inner communist took over and he decided that the way to accomplish the feat would be to put an end to the Bush-era tax cuts for those making more than $250,000 a year. Somehow, Obama is convinced that penalizing the productive will somehow translate into exalting the nonproductive elements of society. In other news apples and oranges have been deemed to be identical. “The only concrete proposal that he proposed was raising taxes,” said Eric Cantor, a member of the House GOP leadership. “That solution falls far short of dealing with the kind of crises that we’re facing,” said Cantor.

A blogger known only as Freddie Cougar said it best: “Raising taxes = ‘reducing tax expenditures,’ addressing ‘spending reductions in the tax code,’ ‘spending in the tax code,’ and ‘spending reductions in the tax code.’ Doublespeak at its finest.” It was a friggin’ campaign speech. Government has been the source of our prosperity? Good grief, it was another revisionist history lesson from our commie president. According to Obama tax cuts are the problem. “It’s all the Bush’s fault” – signed Moses. Poor Dubya, the Evil Genius. Obama is good at only one thing. He is an exceptional liar. Obama is a crybaby. Obama is a wimp. Obama is a whiner. Obama blames everyone but himself. Obama sucks. His entire talk could have been summed up thusly: “When I took office…it’s not my fault!”

Behold the Lying King! We’ve all heard the old joke that goes something like this: “What is the difference between the Lion King and Barack Obama? The Lion King is an African Lion. Obama is a Lying African.” Liberals inevitably call the joke racist. They don’t get the fact that liars can come from any continent. It’s just the plain fact, Jack that this one’s roots are from Kenya. Last we heard, after that stupefying speech, is that the village doesn’t want its idiot back. Good for the village! Perhaps the HildaBeast can spare a dime.

In a poor zoo of Africa, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kilogram of meat a day.

The lion thought its prayers were answered when one day a Honolulu Zoo manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the Honolulu Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/C environment and a goat or two every day.

On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained nothing but a few bottles of KGBean dip. The lion thought that maybe they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted locations.

The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of KGBean dip was delivered. The lion was so furious; it stopped the delivery boy and blasted him, “don’t you know I am the lion…King of the Jungle? What’s wrong with your management? What nonsense is this? Why are you delivering KGBean dip to me?”

The delivery boy politely said, “Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle … but… you have been brought here on Frank Marshall Davis’ visa!”

Now we know that Obama’s speech was timed so as to not go up against Dancing With The Stars. We don’t know why; but considering the way Obama tap-danced around Libya and the economy, he might have won. Some people are saying Obama was a little bit testy during the speech. Hmmm… it looks like somebody’s March Madness bracket pick didn’t do so well. You know, ever since the CEO of G.E. became his advisor, everything Obama says sounds like a light bulb commercial. Walk to the light, little people! Walk to the light!

It was recently reported in the news that Obama had been accidentally locked out of the White House. For that one panicked moment Obama thought that they must have found his real birth certificate. At least the locked door to the White House gave Obama an alibi. “I didn’t do it. It was broken when I got here.” – Barack “Bart Simpson” Obama.

America has taken up the drinking game to pass the time during Obama’s speeches. Drone. Drone. Drone. Drone. Drink. Of course the game gets a little mixed up when it comes to the Obamartini – made with Absolut Zero.

And then there was Barry’s Audacity of Hype. Did he really say “My finely honed political instincts”? Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I can’t breathe! First off, Barack, you are a politician. Second, all of our taxes are spent on the entitlements. Everything else is funded by loans. Barack, you are a fiscal imbecile. “Gubmint cheese is the best cheese there is. And it is free. Free for you and free for me,” – the essence of Obama’s talk about his stash and entitlements. “I’ll take Manchurian Candidate for $500, Alex.” Ahhh, Komrades. It is boootiful day in USSA. Did he say corpseman? This dumbass couldn’t even pass a middle school speech class. By Friday afternoon he will backpedal on everything he said by making what he said “perfectly clear”. Got it? For the Obamassiah, there is no issue he cannot straddle. Oh fer cryin’ out loud. Did he just denounce his own 2012 budget? Is he mentally challenged? Does he not recall what he threw out in January? Obama is nothing but a Puppet of Meat. Yo, Meat Puppet! Nobody’s clapping so quit waiting for the applause. It ain’t coming your way.

Is there any doubt about his Marxism? Like was said up front, Obama’s stupidity goes beyond the pale. What level of Hell has the United States of America sunk to when Obama’s sophist rhetoric is actually taken seriously?  Isn’t America starting to feel a bit bloated from all the smoke being blown up its collective arse? Furthermore, what the Hell is a Kwag-mahr? Is Kwag-marh a city in Pohkeesstohn?

Four trillion in cuts over 12 years…backed by his “fail-safe” guaranty. Wimpy: “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.” LOL, when has congress ever followed up on a guarantee? Lock box anyone? America is going to have to practice bending over a LOT more… Can this get any worse? Of course it can! Darn it, Mr. President, would you at least treat us to dinner and a movie first?

Obama’s pandering for the senior vote is getting old. Note to Obama: You have lost the senior vote and you will not get it back. You stupid meat puppet teleprompter reading political hack. We all find you taxing, which explains this:

The Tax System – Explained With Beer

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

  • The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
  • The fifth would pay $1.
  • The sixth would pay $3.
  • The seventh would pay $7.
  • The eighth would pay $12.
  • The ninth would pay $18.
  • The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

‘Since you are all such good customers,’ he said, ‘I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.’
‘Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.’

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

  • The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
  • The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings) .
  • The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings) .
  • The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 ( 25% savings).
  • The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 ( 22% savings).
  • The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

‘I only got a dollar out of the $20,’ declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, ‘but he got $10!’
‘Yeah, that’s right,’ exclaimed the fifth man. ‘I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!’

‘That’s true!!’ shouted the seventh man. ‘Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!’

‘Wait a minute,’ yelled the first four men in unison. ‘We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!’

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

So Barry, what are we cutting in order to balance the budget? Oh, I see, you’re cutting employment and taxing the rich. Great plan!!! Okay, JackWagon, WHAT DO WE CUT? – Besides Defense? Typical Obama speech, lots of hype and no substance. I thought Pakistan said no more drones. Obama never ceases to amaze. He is laying on the lies and class warfare like there’s no tomorrow. Logic isn’t his strong suit. Come to think of it…nothing is his strong suit…unless flies on the lip count for something. America felt like it was watching tennis during Obama’s speech. Left – right, left – right. Teleprompter 1, teleprompter 2.

Obama could have stood on the podium and picked his nose for 30 minutes. The Main Stream Media would have still declared the speech a victory, and that was that. Obama throws out accusations at conservatives but offers no plan of his own. He avoids specifics like the plague. You can just envision Obama saying something like this: “I will give every American everything they want and it won’t cost a cent. I’m leaving it to Congress to figure out how to make that happen.”

The jackwagoniest of jackwagons; what a miserable, pathetic president we have. Expectations for today’s speech were low, but he still managed to hook an ankle on the bar he could have easily stepped over.

The highlight of the speech was Rip Van Biden’s reaction to it – which was a big effing deal! Joe slept though it!

Joe Biden engaging in a Big Effing Deal!

See the photo for proof. Old Joe has heard the commie spiel so many times that he can doze off through an entire progressive speech and not miss a thing. No big deal, Joe. The rest of the country was going comatose, too. All you missed, Joe, was Obama saying “My vision for America is one where we live within our means, blinded by my socialistic government ideology.” Got it, Joe? Good! Now, remember, Joe, that for the rest of us our vision for America is to wipe away all you FDR/Johnson/LBJ/progressing/Obama stains from our Republic. All we know is that Obama’s plan is heavy on the “fail” and light on the “safe.” Obama says he wants America to live within its means? Okay! – Then no more flying in a favorite chef from Chicago to make pizza at the White House. No more ridiculously expensive vacations on the public’s dime! No more lobster deliveries for Michelle. No more flying Obama’s dog Bo around on his own private jet. Man, I dunno. I mean, it’s probably pretty hard subsisting on a $15T budget. Perhaps Obama meant everybody but the government has to live within their means. There, that’s better! Be thankful for small gifts, America – at least he’s not using the stupid Slurpee story anymore.

That’s an F+ for effort, Barry, and a G- for substance. “My vision for America is one where we live within our means.” No it’s not, Barry. LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!

Gene Roddenberry was a prophet. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present Landreu, the automated president….programmed to respond. Click, whir, Dolby Sound enabled. Here’s Barry at his best:

“Let me be clear, as I’ve always said the time for change is now and we are the ones we’ve been waiting for. Thank you and goodnight.” –  Barack Hussein Obama

Dodd-Frank “Cheat Sheet” Released by InformationWeek Financial Services

NEW YORK, March 28, 2011 /PRNewswire/ — InformationWeek Financial Services, the leading media outlet focused on helping senior executives in banking, capital markets and insurance navigate the fast-changing world of financial services IT, has released the industry’s first Cheat Sheet for the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act.

The Dodd-Frank Cheat Sheet, developed by the editors of Bank Systems & TechnologyWall Street & TechnologyAdvanced Trading and Insurance & Technology, provides financial services professionals with an easy-to-read synopsis of the new law’s rules and definitions. Coming in at just under 40 pages, the Dodd-Frank Cheat Sheet provides layman’s definitions of the rules, outlines the law’s impact on technology organizations and highlights key deadlines. The Cheat Sheet isn’t a substitute for reading the entire 1,000 pages of the original legislation, but it will help financial professionals get their minds around Dodd-Frank.

“Dodd-Frank touches on virtually every part of the financial services business,” says Greg MacSweeney, Editorial Director for InformationWeek Financial Services. “The law contains new rules for derivatives clearing, mortgages, executive compensation, credit cards, proprietary trading, consumer protections and more. Technology leaders and their IT organizations will certainly be pressed to help the business comply with the law and they will be tasked with launching new technology accordingly.”

The InformationWeek Financial Services Dodd-Frank Cheat Sheet is available for download, free of charge, to all subscribers at www.banktech.com/dodd-frank.

 

Barack Obama – an Exorcist’s Nightmare

Is it possible that the pastor was performing an exorcism and Obama came out of someone else? I mean…have we been asking the wrong question all along? We’ve all been so preoccupied with the question of WHERE he was born that we’ve ignored another possibility. After all, we have all been running around on the assumption that Barry was at least born SOMEWHERE! Okay, granted, some of us thought he was spawned, but you get my point. Besides, I don’t believe it. We’ve yet to receive any reports of people watching him swim up the West Fork of the Salmon River in Idaho and lay his eggs under a lily pad near the left bank. So, did we cover all the bases? Kenya? Check! Indonesia? Check! Hawaii? Check, Check! Hell? Come again? Yeah, that’s what I meant. Is it possible that Barack Hussein Obama has never actually been born? Is it possible he is nothing but an evil apparition who currently illegally inhabits the body of a chronically drunken sailor from Queens? Did he ever take a vacation on the far side of the River Styx? Is he Satan’s love child? Is Michelle the Gatekeeper or the Keymaster? Inquiring minds want to know.

The old joke goes something like this:

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell’s gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants, and he will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Van Jones. He’s being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Van in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, “I feel his pain! I don’t think so.”

The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water. Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, “Not for me.”

The third door opens and behind it is Pee Wee Herman. He’s naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

“I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well,” says Satan. “Monica, you’re free to go.”


Perhaps the joke is really on Barry, not Bill. Let’s examine the evidence and see if we can lay the rumors to rest. The charge – is Barack Hussein Obama a resident of the underworld?

The Trap Door Theory

Three men die and arrive at the Pearly Gates – Obama, Barney Frank, and CDNnow, a conservative blogger who lived through the years of the Obama presidency. St. Peter is there to greet them. St. Peter motions for Barney Frank to step forward. “What is your name?” asks St. Peter. “Barney Frank” answers the esteemed Congressman from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. “And what did you do on earth?” inquired St. Peter. “Well, let’s see,” said Frank. “I helped destroy the banking industry, I looked the other way while my roommate ran a gay prostitution ring out of my basement, and I tolerated Ted Kennedy for years, but that’s all water under the bridge by now,” replied Frank. “Go to Hell!” said St. Peter, pulling a giant lever that opened a trap door under Frank’s feet and down Frank went to roast his weenie over a bed of hot coals. St. Peter motioned for Obama to step forward.

“What is your name?” inquired St. Peter. “Barry Soetero,” replied Obama. But I changed my name to Barack Hussein Obama so I could qualify for the 72 virgins.” St. Peter wasn’t impressed. “And what did you do on earth?” St. Peter asked Obama. “I implemented communistic healthcare, held beer summits, and took far too many expensive vacations on the public’s dime,” answered Obama. “Go to Hell!” said St. Peter. He yanked the big lever, the trap door opened beneath Obama’s feet and Barry was sent plummeting down to join Van Jones and the Crazed Sex Poodle.

By this time CDNnow was getting nervous. St. Peter motioned CDNnow to come up before his desk. CDNnow walked gingerly forward, checking for trap doors as he approached the divine personage. “What is your name?” demanded St. Peter. “My name is CDNnow,” he replied. “And what did you do in your life?” asked St. Peter. “I lived through the Obama presidency,” replied CDNnow. “Come on in!” said St. Peter, swinging open the pearly gates and admitting CDNnow to Heaven. “You’ve already been through Hell!”

I’ve got to hand it to St. Peter – he sure knows how to call ‘em! I’m tempted to tell a joke here about a small shovel and relate it to St. Peter’s decision-making ability but I will forgo the temptation – which is a real shame – because the way I understand it temptation is the first step towards repentance. Perhaps I should tell the joke anyway. After all, I know I won’t go to Hell. I repent too damn fast! Naw, it’s too explosive. Look for the clues. Figure it out for yourself. Use your noggin. Nuff’ said.

Barbed Wire – or Kicking Against the Pricks

One day God was out riding the range and decided to ride along the fence line that separates Heaven from Hell. After riding for quite some time he came to a point in the fence where the barbed wire had been torn down. This upset the Almighty to no end. As he was fuming, the Devil came riding up on the other side of the fence. “I demand that you fix this fence immediately! I know that you are the one who tore it down,” said God. “Cry me a river” replied the Devil. “What are you going to do if I don’t repair the fence?” By this time God was fit to be tied. “If you don’t fix this fence I’m going to sue!” cried the Lord. “Oh yeah?” replied Satan, “And where are you going to find any lawyers?”

Point taken. Now let’s put it to a logical syllogism:

Obama is a lawyer.
Lawyers go to Hell.
Therefore, Obama went to Hell.

Okay, that works!

The Exorcism Theory

Let us all bow our heads in mercy and forgiveness for that drunken sailor. After all he is not evil in and of himself. He’s merely had an evil spirit that has been redistributed to him. See, socialism sucks! Given that the sailor is an innocent victim we shall regard exorcism more as a cure and less of a punishment. In Islam, an exorcism is called a Ruqya. Which is quite convenient…giving rise to such phrases as “Ruqya, Obama!” and “Ruqya too, Harry Reid!” Oh, did you hear the one about the dispossessed Libyan terrorist? No Sheikh!  – Or the one about the naked ghost? No Sheet! Or the one about the naked cowboy? No Sheep! I just threw that last one in there as a variation on a theme. Anyway, let’s get back to the exorcism. I do tend to get carried away at times and I apologize for that.

I’m not Beetlejuice so please forgive me if I butcher the proper technique to perform a Hawaiian exorcism. I could have also performed a Kenyan or Indonesian exorcism but hey, I wanted pineapples in the ceremony! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a Hawaiian holy man with a background in Demonology? They don’t grow on palm trees, folks! And the few that do exist tend to be rather weird. I’ve yet to meet a normal paranormal. And still I found success. On the island of Ni‘ihau, commonly referred to as The Forbidden Island, live about 130 natives and one Hawaiian exorcist. It isn’t easy to get there…or cheap. I arranged for a helicopter to drop me off. I would have taken Mrs. PolarCoug along but she wanted to fly out a week in advance on a second helicopter, and drag the kids along with a bunch of bodyguards, too. Gee, that scenario sounds familiar. Now where could I have heard that one before? Strange. Anyway, back to the story.

Upon landing I discovered that Ni‘ihau isn’t fit even for miscreant liberal crybabies. And yet, that is where I found Lei Pupoo, who refused to tell me how he got that name and I don’t blame him. In his mysterious yet mystical way he told me that he became a Hawaiian exorcist shortly after the Ni‘ihau Incident in World War II. It seems a Japanese fighter pilot crashed on Ni‘ihau and went about terrorizing the local inhabitants for about a week. Naval Airman 1st Class Shigenori Nishikaichi took part in the second wave of the attack on Pearl Harbor. He flew off the deck of the aircraft carrier Hiryu and had the bad misfortune to run into some American bullets…got to know them on a first name basis. He made an emergency landing on Ni‘ihau, nearly plowing over a native man standing on the beach. Life is a beach sometimes, isn’t it? To make a long story short, he overpowered a guard, stole a shotgun and a pistol and headed back to his plane. A native named Kaleohano happened to be in the outhouse at the time Nishikaichi came running by on his way to his airplane. Pupoo was in the basement at the time and saw the hole thing. Kaleohano made a mad dash for safety out of the outhouse and Pupoo stayed right where he was – looking for relief butt finding that what happens in the outhouse stays in the outhouse.

Wow, that was a long paragraph. Let’s take a break for a moment and then we’ll get back to the story.

There was once a country boy who hated using the outhouse because it was hot in the summer and freezing in the winter…plus it stank all the time. The outhouse was situated on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

So one day after a spring rain the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing this meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it, son?”

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree.”

–    Legends of America

Pupoo wasn’t so lucky. He WAS in that outhouse. And there he stayed until he was rescued a week later. During that time he went through Hell. Or rather, Hell went through him. He emerged a new man and decided to devote the rest of his life to exorcising the demons that possessed his fellow Hawaiians. After all, a river ran through it and he was determined to get to the bottom of the problem. The end. Not the end of the story – just “the end!” Yeah, THAT end. Well, not quite the end, that Japanese sailor? He ended up getting his face bashed in. That’s what happens when angry Hawaiians apply high velocity rocks to one’s head (true story).

So here I was more than 70 years later, beseeching Lei Pupoo to perform an exorcism upon a drunken sailor from Queens. I was determined. “I want it all. I want it all. I want it all. And I want it now!” I told Pupoo. “I thought you said Queens, with an ‘S’”, he said. “I’m confused. Is it Queens or Queen?” I assured him it was the borough and not the band. “So much for Mercury rising,” replied PuPoo. And then he got down to work.

Pupoo began the job by cooking up his favorite recipe. He called it Ted Kennedy casserole.

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup of dark brown sugar
  • 1 cup (2 sticks) butter
  • 1 cup of granulated sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 2 cups of dried pineapple
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp fresh lemon juice
  • 1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

Pupoo sampled the Cuervo to check its quality. He then took a large bowl, checked the Cuervo again to make sure it was of the highest quality by pouring one level cup and taking a drink. Then he turned on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Then he added a teaspoon of sugar and beat it again…and again…and again…and again…and again. At this point Pupoo decided it was best to make sure the Cuervo was still okay so he downed another cup, just in case. Then he turned off the mixerer thingy. He broke two eggs and added them to the bowl and chucked in the cup of dried pineapple. At that point he picked the frigging pineapple off the floor and mixed it on the turner…wow, that Cuervo was really getting to him! Whenever the dried pineapple got stuck in the beaterers he just pried it loose with a screwdriver. At this stage of the food preparation Pupoo sampled the Cuervo for tonsisticity. Then he sifted two cups of salt, or something. Then it was time to check the Jose Cuervo. Then he shifted the lemon juice and strained his nuts. He added one table, a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever he could find. He greased the oven, turned the cake tin 360 degrees and tried not to fall over. Then he beat off the turner. Finally, he threw the bowl out the window, finished off the Cose Juervo and made sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

It was time. Pupoo prepared the inner chamber for the exorcism. He lit 24 ecologically friendly candles and placed them in a circle around the drunken sailor – who obviously wasn’t going anyone’s way, let alone mine. A backlit portrait of Janet Napolitano was strategically placed behind the sailor’s head and the empty bottle of Jose Cuervo was placed between his legs. Finally, a bit of sand scraped up off the floor of Lenin’s Tomb was sprinkled on the sailor’s dinghy, if you know what I mean.

Calling on the blessed name of Karl Marx, Pupoo began a slow and ponderous chant:

Oh, Satan, wondrous one!
Bring out of sailor, your blessed son!
Bring him fast and bring near,
Bring him with a keg of beer!

Out of Kenya, out of time.
Out of Harvard. On our dime.
Out of Boston, Out of bucks.
Out of money, just our luck!

Rise up now and quick appear.
Rise up Barry, show no fear.
Raise our taxes, feel our pain,
Raise yourself now, don’t complain!

The candles blew themselves out. The bottle shattered into a thousand pieces. The grains of sand aligned themselves in a row pointing towards the sailor’s chest and the picture of JanPo disappeared with a rushing sound that reminded me of the Trans-Siberian Railway rolling around a curve somewhere near Lake Baikal.

Slowly, a hideous apparition arose from the sailor’s chest. What the crap?! It’s the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man! I just got slimed! I noticed he was wearing the sailor’s hat and a cute little red bandana.

“I was expecting Obama!” I yelled at Mr. Marshmallow. Then the giant marshmallow morphed into the most disgusting creature I had ever seen. It looked eerily like a cross between Nancy Pelosi and Jerold Nadler. “I was expecting Obama!” I screamed again. The giant slug turned its massive head, wiped the Botox off its lips and responded to me with a thunderous voice.

“There is no Obama. Only Zuul!”

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