Tag Archives: address

My Address To the United Nations on Behalf of Americans

President Obama will address the United Nations this week and reports are that he will once again address the YouTube video that is supposedly fueling the anti-American riots across the Middle East. Whatever he says, I know I will be underwhelmed and disappointed. I decided to provide my own address to the United Nations. This video is what I would say if I had the opportunity to address the United Nations as a representative of the American people. I’m sorry for the poor audio. It’s just me and the webcam so quality is limited but as my friend Lee Doren says, don’t sweat it and don’t be afraid. Just turn on the camera and talk. A transcript is also posted beneath the video.

Despots, traitors, authoritarians, totalitarians, thieves, war criminals, genocidal maniacs, dictators and the precious few rest of you who actually carry the mantel of freedom, welcome to the United States and New York City, where you’ll remember over 3000 of our innocent citizens between here and Washington DC were murdered 11 years ago as many of you danced in your elaborate golden palaces, many of which are lined with the tears and blood of your own people. We are so privileged to have you here. My fellow citizens and I find no small measure of entertainment in watching you eat and drink the bounty of our land and enjoy the privileges of comfortable luxury appointments, all of which are provided to you by the very freedom you pledge to murder wherever and wherever possible.

By now it has come to our attention in no small manner that many of you and your people have been gravely upset by a YouTube video that purportedly disparages Islam. So upset, that your proxies who claim to represent Islam have murdered our ambassador and overrun our sovereign embassies in defiance of hundreds of years of international tradition and diplomacy. Apparently the 98 people with internet access in your third world dictatorships were so outraged by this YouTube, I repeat, YouTube video they saw fit to rape ambassador Chris Stevens before killing and photographing his body in the streets of Libya. Now I know that to many of you, this is not a shocking allegation as you have very fond feelings for the act of rape. But here in America we consider that the ugliest of violations toward any human being. It’s a shame that YouTube video, I repeat, YouTube video was ever produced at all. Forget the content, the quality is most offensive to those of us who actually value freedom. Most Americans could have probably done a better job with some bedsheets, Halloween hair coloring and tanning lotion, and done so without insulting what so many of our own citizens believe to be a holy book and prophet. However, that is the unfortunate price of freedom. The freedom to make good choices is also the same freedom to make poor choices. How else do you explain Glee and Matt Damon? Two things we do sincerely apologize for. We also apologize for not telling you sooner that your determination to condemn your citizens to a 12th century existence in a 21st century world is no longer our problem or our concern. If this never-ending war in Afghanistan has taught us anything it’s that too many of you have placed little or no value on the lives of your own citizens, your own women, your own children. You have traded the message and basis of freedom for greed, corruption, selfishness, cruelty and evil at the expense of those you pledged to care for when you took, or stole leadership. We apologize to the citizens of Iran and Egypt who truly do want freedom and progress, and whom we abandoned under our own President when they needed our support the most. That is a genuine source of grief and shame for many Americans who long to see you free and prosperous as well. We are so sorry for that. We also apologize for emboldening some your state sponsored terrorist organizations by perpetuating the lie that these attacks on our sovereign embassies over a YouTube, I repeat, a YouTube video and not calling this what it really was from the beginning: an attack on American interests and values to commemorate the anniversary of September 11 in the United States. We apologize for our President, who has clearly abandoned the message of freedom and achievement that has made our country the greatest country on the face of the planet in all history forever and ever in favor of a message of appeasement; appeasement to you dictators who give not a moment’s thought to the suffering of your own people while you live lives of ease and luxury upon the dollars and earnings that you have outright stolen at the end of a gun.

What we don’t apologize for and will never apologize for is our own citizens exercising their own God-given right to free speech (no matter how ugly or poorly produced) on our own soil, using our own technology, to reach our own people. American values have not and will not ever be dictated by a small group of fascist demons with daddy issues  who hate the idea of freedom so much that they have pledged, sworn to eradicate the only free, successful society among them, that being Israel. Americans will not apologize to anyone outside of our borders for what we do inside our borders. It’s our business. If we’re ever in the mood for stonings, beheading homosexuals, or wiping our butts with our hands we’ll come visit you and subject ourselves to your national dominion. However, until then we’ll continue to do as we please with our own rights in our own country provided to us by our own Constitution and our God. There aren’t many of us who are truly excited about the content of this YouTube video, I repeat, YouTube video; but we all understand that freedom of speech is not truly free unless you have the freedom to say things that might offend others. What true freedom also produces, is a general common sense among the masses that offensive speech does not and should not produce massive violent attacks.

We are Americans, and our right to free speech is one of the most valued rights we have; indeed most of our other rights flow from that one concept; the idea that every human should be able to speak their mind without fear of retribution or physical harm. It is no coincidence that we are the freest, most powerful country on earth. That too is directly tied to our freedom of speech. But I think you know that, and that is why you work so hard to censor us within our own borders from within your own borders. You understand that the only way to truly break the American spirit that has been responsible for so much prosperity and yes, so much peace is to destroy our freedom of expression. But I’ve come to tell you today that will not happen. We will not bow or capitulate to your warped ideas of morality. Ideas that advocate killing over people over a YouTube video, I repeat, a YouTube video, but have no issues with treating women as property, cattle, or less. Sorry, we’re just not going to do that. so while we agree that this YouTube video, I repeat, YouTube video really sucks, we also understand that it has the right to exist and suck.  It’s not always pretty, but that is price of freedom and whenever I sit down to enjoy my daily meals, running showers and household technology I do believe it is an appropriate price to pay for plethora of blessings we have.

In summary, we’re Americans and we love freedom and we always will so suck it.

Thank you and enjoy your taxpayer funded stay.

crossposted at kiradavis.net

President Obama’s State of the Planet Address

In honor of Earth Day scheduled for April 22, 2012, President Obama delivered a speech before the 12th meeting of the IPCC, entitled “The World Without a Tomorrow: Why We Need Global Governance Now More Than Ever Before Manmade Climate Change Destroys Us All.” The following is a transcript of the president’s remarks:

Distinguished members of the United Nations Intraglobal Panel on Climate Confidence, members of the Political Bureau of Environmental Affairs, herbivores, omnivores, honorable flora, fauna, microbial life forms, and residents of the United States

We stand here now, on the third anniversary of our sacred refounding, persons of diverse colors and genders – men, women, transsexuals, hermaphrodites all – united in one vision to bring forth from the bowels of history, one utopian dream, one audacious hope for all life on this planet, to usher in the progress of real change.

Together as one, looking forward to a brighter tomorrow, one of darkness, one of… collapsing industrial infrastructure, abandoned oil refineries, and out-of-business coal plants, until one day, one glorious day, America’s Atlantic seaboard will resemble a night satellite picture of the grand experiment once known as the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. May Supreme Leader Kim rest in peace.

There are some who will doubt us. Heck, some may even mock us a little. But it is the calling of each and every generation to get behind the people and to push forward repeatedly until they are excited enough to get beyond the quaint and antiquated ways of their ancestors, to dismiss the old pieces of paper that enslave us to the past, so that we may accomplish the historic task of fundamentally transforming this world the way that we, as one people, see fit.

To realize our grand vision of a post-industrial society demands the complete replacement of our economy of yesterday with a leaner, greener one. That is why I propose a bold new energy strategy for the United States, one that you think you might have heard before but is actually a little bit different this time – one incorporating windmills, waterwheels, and yes, even steam power. We must get beyond the old way of thinking that says nuclear energy is the way of the future. We must not fall prey to the temptation that argues that drilling offshore and on American soil are solutions to our ongoing addiction to foreign oil. We must forgo even the empty promise of natural gas, which, though our critics claim it is a “clean” source of energy, is yet just another form of the poisonous carbon gas we can ill afford to be monkeying around with.

If I might respond to those who say that they have freezed their keisters off since the onset of the so-called “Little Ice Age,” which I might point out is a direct consequence of the now over-fulfilled consensus of manmade global climate change, no one said it was going to be easy. But if we can get the markets, the banks, and the entrepreneurs to get out of the way, our government can accomplish anything we set your minds to.

Right now the government is dispensing billions and billions of dollars in grants to companies to develop energy technologies that might be called too “inefficient,” “expensive,” or “unreliable” to cut it in what is left of the marketplace. But I’m not going to accept that way of thinking. We might have had a little rocky period, a four year-long recession that is undoubtedly the fault of my predecessor, but the economy is well on the way to recovery. Now there have been some grumblings about a ‘jobless recovery,” which has led to unexpectedly high real unemployment of say, fifteen to (unintelligible) percent – but help is on the way.

Just this year, we hope to create or save tens of millions of jobs by hiring all the young, enthusiastic people of our nationwide mandatory GreenCorpse… ummm, I think there might be a typo there… to promote our green jobs programs, to pick up the litter that plagues our highways and national parks, and simply by not crushing what little industry remains left. Those companies who want to continue to do business are going to have to do it according to our terms, and hell, if they kick a little back to a Democrat in need, they may even be allowed to keep a greenback or two.

Now some have called this fascism. Let me be clear. A meek and conservative form of fascism was tried under FDR and it failed to reach the kind of results we are looking for. No, we are looking to create a new form of superfascism that not only incorporates all aspects of the national economy, but looks to fuse it all together under the umbrella of global governance, while meeting the challenges of addressing the spectre of climate change. Let me now speak to this crucial issue, which is of such vital importance to ourselves, our children, the planet, and of course, polar bears.

To those who think we can continue the status quo of climate change, let me just say that the time for delay is over. If we are going to overcome this perpetual crisis, we are going to have to think big. That is why why we must once again raise the global carbon tax, to regulate excess temperatures out of existence. We might even see a day when the world’s temperature is permanently set on a slightly warm but temperate 72 degrees. Of course, we can argue whether or not it should be 68 degrees. Democracy can be messy.

Our critics will say that we are dreaming impossibly big dreams. They may say they’re humongous or even ginormous. But let there be no doubt. The failure of their imaginations must not lead to the crisis of our consciences. We must move forward, with all the certainty of a moral crusade, to lead the world to complete climatelessness and environmental homeostasis by the end of this decade. The consequences are too grave to neglect. The death of the old order, and the rebirth of a new dawn, with or without man, requires courage and sacrifice. These are extraordinary times.

All species, since the beginning of time, have struggled with the ever-present threat of climate change. We human beings, along with the complete effort of all animals, from the three-toed sloth to the ring-tailed bandicoot, from the humpback whale to the duckbill platypus, must now work together to make worldwide climate equality a reality. And if that makes everything and everyone room temperature, then that is the bold mission that lays ahead. Are you in?

Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.

Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and OwntheNarrative, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.