The Progressive Bible: Obama in the Garden of Eden

By | December 13, 2012

ObamaGodChapter 2

2:4 These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that Obama promised to make a heaven on earth,

2:5 And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before his pot-smoking worshipers smoked them: for Obama had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a real man to till the ground.

2:6 But there went up a mist from the earth, as if the earth itself were crying, and watered the whole face of the ground.

2:7 And Obama hired a government subcontractor to find a man to till the ground, and the subcontractor found a man; and the man became a lifelong SEIU member.

2:8 And Obama had his tree czar bid the SEIU man plant a garden on the East lawn in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had contracted.

2:9 And out of the ground Obama told the man to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and yields only certified organic food; the tree of endless money also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

2:10 And a twenty million dollar fountain was built in Eden to water the garden; and it spilled over into aquifers, which nourished the entire garden. …

2:15 And Obama told his tree czar to take the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

2:16 And Obama commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat without surtax, that is how generous I am:

2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof the progressive movement shalt surely die.

2:18 And Obama said, It is not good that this SEIU man should be alone; I will form a government commission to find a help meet for him.

2:19 And in the garden Obama placed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. These were the first endangered species.

2:20 And Adam gave names to all polar bears, and to the titwillows of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

2:21 And Obama gave a lengthy oratory and caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his testes, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

2:22 And from the testicle, which Obama had taken from man, he had a government scientist make another man (in order not to discriminate on the basis of gender or sexual preference), and a blue ribbon government panel brought him unto the man.

2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: he shall be called man, because he was taken out of a Man, man.

2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his civil partner: and they shall be one flesh.

2:25 And they were both naked, the man and his significant other, and were not ashamed.

Chapter 3

3:1 Now the serpent named Rahm was more subtle than any beast of the field which Obama had procured. And he said unto the new man, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

3:2 And the new man said unto the serpent Rahm, “Hith, hith, little snake! We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

3:3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest progressives die.”

3:4 And the serpent said unto the new man, Ye shall not surely die:

3:5 For Obama doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good from evil, and truth from bullshit. And after all, if you don’t eat it, I’ll have someone cut you.

3:6 And when the new man saw that the tree seemed to be good, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one popular, he took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto his civil partner; and he did eat.

3:7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves chaps.

3:8 And they heard the voice of Obama walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his civil partner hid themselves from the presence of Obama amongst the trees of the garden.

3:9 And Obama called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

3:10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

3:11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? There are no moral standards in the garden of Eden! Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

3:12 And the man said, The new man whom thou gavest to be with me, he gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

3:13 And Obama said unto the new man, What is this that thou hast done? And the new man said, The serpent Rahm beguiled me to eat it or else, and I did eat.

3:14 And Obama said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all Congressional pages, and above every White House intern; upon thy belly shalt thou go as my chief of staff, and dead fish shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

3:15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman Hillary, and between thy seed and her seed; she shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt lick her heels.

3:16 Unto the new man he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and forbid conception; in vain thou shalt strive to bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

3:17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy civil partner, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the television for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou suffer commercials all the days of thy life;

3:18 Video games and pornos shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt smoke the herb of the field;

3:19 With the sweaty palm of your remote hand shalt thou eat Cheetos, till thou cease receiving welfare checks; for out of Social Security wast some money taken: for a ward of the state thou art, and from the cradle to the grave a ward of the state shalt thou return.

3:20 And Adam called his civil partner’s name Steve; because that happened to be the first name he could think of.

3:21 Unto Adam also and to Steve did Obama give them gift certificates to a nice leather shoppe, and so he clothed them.

3:22 And Obama said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil, and to ignore it: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of endless money, and spend like there’s no tomorrow for ever:

3:23 Therefore Obama sent him forth from the garden of Eden, and the garden fell into grave disrepair, despite numerous spending projects and government programs.

3:24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden a secret service detail, and ease-dropping satellites which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of endless money.

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