The Progressive Bible: Al Gore and the Yacht

By | December 22, 2012

al_gore_prophetChapter 6

6:1 And it came to pass, when men began to overpopulate the face of the earth, and filthy human children were born unto them,

6:2 That the sons of Obama saw that the human children were too many; and they clamored for him to declare a one child policy.

6:3 And Obama said, My soaring oratory shall not always strive with man, for he is but flesh: yet my days in office shall be but fourteen hundred and sixty days. Yea, it is better to implement abortion on demand.

6:4 There were giant welfare payments in those days; and also after that, when the sons of Obama came on to the daughters of men, and they bare children to them; Obama was unto them all their sugar daddy.

6:5 And Obama saw that the laziness of man was great in the earth, and the only channels man watched were ESPN and Playboy continually. They seemed not to care any longer for his continual prime-time speeches.

6:6 And it repented Obama that he was president over the entire earth, and it grieved him in his heart.

6:7 And Obama said, I will destroy the men whom do not approve of my job performance from the face of the earth; both men, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; all the ugly animals (though not the cute ones, which have protected status) for it repenteth him that he were president over them.

6:8 But Al Gore found grace in the eyes of Obama.

6:9 These are the generations of Gore: Gore was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Gore walked with Obama.

6:10 And Gore begat three sons, Jones, Mann, and Hansen.

6:11 The earth also was corrupt before Obama, and the earth was filled with carbon dioxide.

6:12 And Obama looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for the unfettered free market had corrupted all upon the earth.

6:13 And Obama said unto Gore, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with carbon dioxide through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with global warming.

6:14 Find thee a luxury yacht of non-petroleum based polymers; viewing rooms for thy movie An Inconvenient Truth shalt thou make in the yacht, and thou shalt pitch it within and without with used car salesman-like aplomb.

6:15 And this is the fashion of the yacht which thou shalt find: The length of the yacht shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.

6:16 A big screen home theater shalt thou make in the yacht, and with projectors and power-point presentations though shalt fill it; and thou shalt quote nodding scientific experts; with clever editing and false images shalt thou make thy them.

6:17 And, behold, man shall bring upon himself a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die until all shall call upon me for mercy, and I shall lower the waters.

6:18 But with thee will I establish a climate exchange; and thou shalt come in with me in my venture, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives with thee.

6:19 And every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the yacht, to keep them alive with thee; two each of undisclosed gender.

6:20 Of penguins after their kind, and polar bears after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.

6:21 And take thou unto thee some granola, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.

6:22 Thus did Gore; according to all that Obama commanded him, so did he.

Chapter 7

7:1 And Obama said unto Gore, Come thou all into thy viewing room in the yacht; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.

7:2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens: and of beasts that are not clean by two.

7:3 Of penguins also by sevens; to keep their seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

7:4 For yet seven days, it will rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance shall be wiped off the face of the earth.

7:5 And Gore did according unto all that Obama commanded him.

7:6 And Gore’s movie was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.

7:7 And Gore went in, and his sons, and his ex-wife Tipper, and his sons’ wives with him, and his masseuse, into the yacht, because of the waters of the flood.

7:8 Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,

7:9 There went in two and two unto Gore into the yacht, as Obama had commanded Gore.

7:10 And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.

7:11 In the six hundredth year of Gore’s movie, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.

7:12 And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

7:13 In the selfsame day entered Gore, and Hansen, and Mann, and Joneseth, the sons of Gore, his masseuse, and Gore’s ex-wife Tipper, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the yacht;

7:14 They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort, and especially penguins.

7:15 And they went in unto Gore into the yacht, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.

7:16 And they that went in, went in as Obama had commanded him: and he shut him in.

7:17 And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the luxury yacht, and it was lifted up above the earth.

7:18 And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the yacht went upon the face of the waters.

7:19 And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the metropolitan areas, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.

7:20 Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and even the Himalayan icecaps were covered.

7:21 And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:

7:22 All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.

7:23 And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Gore only remained alive, and they that were with him in the yacht.

7:24 And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.

Chapter 8

8:1 And Obama remembered Gore, and every living thing, and all the other animals that were with him in the yacht: and Obama passed wind over the earth, and the waters assuaged;

8:2 The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven Obama stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;

8:3 And Obama lifted his hand and the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.

8:4 And the yacht rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountain Ismellarat.

8:5 And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.

8:6 And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Gore opened the window of the yacht which he had borrowed from his friend John Kerry:

8:7 And he sent forth a polar bear, which swam forth to and fro on ice chunks, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.

8:8 Also he sent forth a penguin from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;

8:9 But the polar bear found no rest from its swimming, and returned unto him into the luxury yacht, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took the bear, and pulled it unto him into the yacht.

8:10 And the bear stayed yet another seven days; and again he sent forth the polar bear out of the yacht;

8:11 And the bear came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in its mouth was a baby seal head: so Gore knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.

8:12 And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the bear; which returned not again unto him any more.

8:13 And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year since the release of Gore’s movie, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Gore opened up the sun roof of the yacht, and he stood and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.

8:14 And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.

8:15 And Obama spake unto Gore, saying,

8:16 Go forth of the yacht, thou, and thy ex-wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives, and thy masseuse with thee.

8:17 Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.

8:18 And Gore went forth, with his masseuse, and his sons, and his ex-wife, and his sons’ wives with him:

8:19 Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the yacht.

8:20 And Gore built an altar unto the sun god; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.

8:21 And Obama smelled a sweet savour, somewhat like southern BBQ; and Obama asked himself, why was I not invited? There can be no other gods but me! Then again, is there not enough room for cultural diversity? he reflected. I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. There are death panels for that.

8:22 While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. But we can always blame man for it.

Chapter 9

9:1 And Obama blessed Gore and his sons, and said unto them, Be deceitful, and always lie, and prevaricate upon the earth.

9:2 And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every small business owner, and upon every corporate CEO, upon all that tradeth upon the earth, and upon all the enterprises of the earth; into your hand are they delivered.

9:3 Everything that produceth carbon dioxide shall be for thee a source of revenue; even as the green herb has given you all thy inspiration.

9:4 And human flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall itself be taxed until it is no longer a source of pollution.

9:5 And surely the blood of your lives will the earth’s balance require; for the benefit of every beast shall it require it; and for the sake of all living things will I require the life of man.

9:6 Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, is doing the earth a great service: for man is but a feeding parasite, who never resteth.

9:7 And you, be ye deceitful, and always lie; bring forth lies abundantly in the earth, and multiply them therein.

9:8 And Obama spake unto Gore, and to his sons with him, saying,

9:9 And I, behold, I establish my climate exchange with you, and with your seed after you;

9:10 And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the yacht, to every beast of the earth.

9:11 And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth. For with a wave of my hand, I have lowered the oceans and the seas.

9:12 And Obama said, This billion dollar grant is a token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, except mankind, for perpetual generations:

9:13 I will set my climate exchange in Chicago, and it shall be a source of endless revenue and wealth redistribution upon the earth. For the sin against climate is great, and demands redistribution.

9:14 And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the smiling face of Gore shall be seen in the sky, and I shall make a promise to his descendants of multiple trillions of dollars in the form of a rainbow:

9:15 And I will remember my covenant to make thee a climate exchange, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh, but mankind; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.

9:16 And the rainbow promise will ensure that anyone who lacks faith in manmade climate change shall be ostracized and denied academic tenure; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between me and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth, save mankind.

9:17 And Obama said unto Gore, This  rainbow is the token of the covenant, which I have established with the environmentalist lobby.

Read other chapters of The Progressive Bible:

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