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The Necrobamacon

As the armies of Obama zombies mount their ravenous war against the one percenters, their mouths drooling with the red inklike slobber of human blood, the forbidden book at the mysterious power source of the Cthulhu cult has been unearthed — the Necrobamacon.

This mysterious grimoire of arcane magic weaves hypnotic memes of politically correct jargon, undecypherable codes of hypocritical conduct, and the necromancy of class warfare into a single, handy guide to modern liberalism. Its profane contents are hereby put on display for a psychically unprepared public, lest future generations — if there be any — blame us for doing nothing to stem the tide of the Obamazombiepocalypse.

With no further ado, Klaata Baracka Nicto:

The wizard Soroaster has thus cast this spell to enchant the mindless drones to worship The One, who shalt be called Obamus. The book of his incantations shalt be called the Necrobamacon.

Legions of our followers shalt not ask too many questions, nor fight amongst themselves. Feminists shalt fight for equal rights and respect, but shalt not ask too many questions of black gangsta rappers who call them “B*tches” and “Hos.” We shall brainwash them into thinking only their vaginas matter. Abortion is awesome. Free condoms, war on women and ya-ta-ya-ta-ya-ta.

African-Americans shall fight for equal rights and tolerance, except for the gays and the “B*tches” and “Hos” in their rap songs. We will enslave the black people with welfare and drive up their unemployment. Our brightest economic advisers will model the United States on the Democrats’ success in inner city Detroit and Baltimore.

The gays shall be tolerant of all other people, except for the Christians whose churches want to be left out of sanctioning  gay “marriage.” Gay shall no longer mean “happy,” but homosexual.

Convince the many that even though no one has killed a Muslim in the U.S. for revenge against acts of terrorism, and Islamists have killed thousands of Americans, that Muslims are the victimized ones. Even if Muslims slaughter them by the thousand, always act like Christians are the oppressors, and Muslims are the poor oppressed minority — of one billion people worldwide.

The Jews shall adore the Democrat Party, even when it slams Israel and praises Muslims, whose more radical followers are rabidly anti-semitic. Since Israel is made up of capitalist Jews, they shall be responsible for all the terrorists of the Middle East. We will take the Jews’ money and laugh. Ha ha ha.

Latinos shall be convinced that a country that has allowed more than the population of some Latin American countries to immigrate to America without documents is actually a racist society and white Republicans who want to see some ID want to suppress their vote. IDs shall become known as “racist.”

Environmentalists shall be for saving the planet (except from us). Billions will tremble in fear over a trace chemical that doubles as plant food. They will feel the guilt of breathing and pooping without government permission.

We shall make white suburban folks feel ashamed of past sins like slavery and conquering land, which they had nothing to do with. This will make them want to vote for minorities. Any minorities. Just because we said so.

The Democrat Party shalt be for the little guy, except for the individual, who is a selfish parasite of worthless value, and one to be disposed of without a second thought.

We shall take from rich people and give to the poor people; this shall be called “social justice.” The villainous one-percent will not count left-wing directors, producers, actors, singers, and musicians. Or corporate bigwigs who give to the Democrat Party, whose corporations shall be tax-exempt. Or evil billionaire philanthropists. Or people who run left-wing trusts and non-profits.Or green energy titans. Or the prophets of manmade global warming pseudepigrapha. Or even Obamus himself.

Basically, all members of the Democrat Party shalt be exempt from these laws as Obamathustra sees fit.

This law-bringer shall suspend the laws of economics. He shalt turn poverty into prosperity with his magic welfare wand. He shall produce much through the government, and shall raise the GDP levels through sheer charisma. He will charm the deficit away with a devil-may-care grin. Because he is cool, the people will like him, and that means nothing bad will ever happen to them.

Obama shall rule them, and they will be grateful. They will trade their freedoms for the false promise of socialism, and will thank him for the tablescraps he tosses their way when poverty comes upon them like an armed man.

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  1. NJ Libertarian (@BadMesmer) says:

    Good read! Now you need to do one about how all the guns in the world are possessed and how no armed conflict involving guns was a human’s fault because if there were no guns everything would be rainbows and glitter.

    • Kyle Becker says:

      This is kind of well-covered satirical territory, but I’ll ponder it. After I smoke a few “cloves.” (And by cloves, I mean something else… shhh).

      • Jan Brown says:

        So glad you clarified that, because cloves are for ham & besides they poke holes in the papers

  2. Jan Brown says:

    tsk tsk, Kyle. I pray for your recovery…I fear that you’ve hung around the cauldron of liberalizm so long that the fumes are starting to effect you just a tad….We have clean air & padded cell (I mean, rooms) in Texas should you need it…lol..this was an excellent respite…thanks, Yank!
    (wonder how many think we’re smoking?) Nah ,just enjoying good company