“Look, I know, I know…I’m a dog, and I’m supposed to be ‘loyal’ and all that…I get that all the time, but if you’d heard what I heard, and saw what I saw, you could break from some genetically-predispositioned loyalty to your owner too!” – Bo on the 2012 Election
October 9, 2012 – Washington, District of Collusion
Bo, the lovable White House canine and registered Democrat, came out harshly against his owner and current President of the United States, Barack Obama, during a recent interview with a street reporter from The Laissez Faire. The account from the young Portie offers an intimate look into the inner happenings of the White House, the President’s policy positions, and why one dog is breaking from his instinctual loyalty to support the candidate who is running against his owner in the 2012 U.S. Presidential election.
Bo is a black and white Portuguese Water Dog, who was taken from his previous owner, who had three dogs, and redistributed to the President and his family, who had zero dogs, when he was just a young pup in mid-April of 2009. Generally mild-tempered, Bo is quick to correct anyone who suggests he might share his owner’s qualities, explaining “…my similarities with my owner stop [at the color of my fur].” Bo turned four today, October 9, 2012, and respectfully corrects any “human-year” measurement with his “dog-year” equivalent accepting the simple conversion method of multiplying by a factor of 7, thereby tracking to turn 28 per his calculation. “It’s weird; I can’t believe I’m almost 30,” Bo explains, “Although living here has probably added a decade or two from having to suffer through all of my owner’s policy advisors.”
The following is an uncensored, exclusive interview with the “first dog” conducted during a morning walk down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C.
LF: What is it like being “first dog” and getting to live at the White House with President Obama?
Bo [pausing to gather his response]: Hmm…I guess I’d compare it to a non-stop vet appointment where Paul Krugman, DVS, repeatedly takes a rectal temp with a freezing-cold candy thermometer while discussing his economic ‘visions’ through a dog whistle…
LF [chuckling]: Wow, really that bad?
Bo: Worse, the whole time [former President George W. Bush’s late cat] India is instagramming the whole thing and tweeting play-by-plays to the AKC!
LF [guffawing]: Well that was a colorful metaphor. So who will you be supporting in the November elections?
Bo [sighs]: I’m voting for Romney and Ryan.
LF: ‘Voting’? But you’re a dog; you mean ‘supporting’, right?
Bo: Oh no, I’ll be voting…yep, ACORN registered me to vote in the 2008 election. Bastards strapped on a high-voltage shock collar and had a goon hold his thumb over the zap button while he watched me fill out an entirely Democratic ticket. It was demoralizing to say the least.
LF: Wow! Did he ever actually shock you?
Bo: No, but he had a crazy look in his eye after I submitted my ballot. He wanted to do it just for kicks. I could sense it. So as soon as they removed the shock collar I bit him in the…well, let’s just say, if I can’t have ‘em, then he can’t either…
LF: Yikes…so, as a dog, whose species is known for their loyalty to their owners, why will you be voting for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan in November?
Bo: Look, I know, I know, I’m a dog, and I’m supposed to be ‘loyal’ and all that…I get that all the time, but if you’d heard what I heard, and saw what I saw, you could break from some genetically-predispositioned loyalty to your owner too!
LF: Interesting, so what specifically would you tell voters about their decision this fall?
Bo: Well first, I would remind them that 28 dog-years is a long time for our country to be under his leadership again. I mean, just look at how much our national debt increased during the first 28 dog-years…it’s up something like $5 Trillion dollars since he took office! Why our $16 Trillion of national debt isn’t causing more people to start hoarding food and amassing firearms is beyond my simple canine-mind. It’s a really big deal, and he’s chosen to simply make fun of it in his private life while ignoring it in his professional life.
LF: What do you mean when you say he ‘makes fun’ of it in his personal life?
Bo: He actually started this disgusting National Debt-themed drinking game that he plays with his “college buddies” when they all get together.
LF: That’s…interesting? Can you recall any of the specific rules to this game?
Bo: It’s awful…let’s see…umm…Oh! Ok, for example, if the National Debt rolls to a new “trillion” while they all happen to be together, they divide the new number by one trillion, and have to take that many drinks. And if they’re not together when it hits a new trillion, they will sit and text or Facebook each other all night about it. Like when it hit $16 trillion, appropriately on the same day that the Democratic National Convention kicked off might I add, I saw him send a text to his buddies that read something along the lines of “16 DRINKS, B****EZ!!!!” with some cartoon icon of a beer mug followed by a fist-bump or something. [pauses] I know…it’s sick, seriously. Most of the other rules are just buzz-word drinking cues, you know, like they’ll take a drink every time they hear someone say “the National Debt,” “deficit spending,” “future generations,” and some others that are escaping me at the moment.
LF: Well your account is very insightful, to say the least. So you think the out-of-control National Debt should be a contributing factor for voters this fall?
Bo: Look, if Democrats gain power and win the White House, our National Debt will just keep compounding and we’ll be launched into the fast lane of the Road to Serfdom Express…and once you’ve started down that road it will take a near-miracle to safely exit back onto the Freedom Freeway…pardon the silly wordplay, but the Democrats in Washington notoriously bite the hand of the private sector that feeds their leviathan gluttonous government. I mean at some point, these successful business owners, the private sector producers, are going to be asked to foot more this enormous bill, and then…well just go read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, that should fill in the rest.
LF: Excellent suggestion. So besides the National Debt, what other issues would you like to highlight for voters this fall?
Bo: Obamacare, or as they deceitfully titled it, the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.” What a crock! That’s like calling me, the “Fuzzy Little Kitten who Lives in a Salt-Water Aquarium Dog!”
LF: Interesting analogy. So you’re saying the President’s trademark legislation won’t actually protect patients nor promote affordable care, despite it being called the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act?
Bo: No! Are you kidding me? Look at the plethora of taxes and fees they jammed into those 2,000+ pages of used toilet paper. I would challenge anyone to explain to me, within the constraints of real-life mathematics, how increasing the cost of doing business will make the underlying product or service more “affordable” to the consumer. And the “patient protection” thing? How does the inevitable decrease in supply of physician services and increase in government bureaucracies possibly protect patients!?
LF: Fair point on the “affordable” part, but can you expand on why the supply of physician services will decrease and how that will impact patient care?
Bo: Well sure. Look, the burdensome regulations and ever-growing costs of running a practice (including reimbursement cuts from government payers) are encouraging current physicians to start exploring exit strategies and discouraging potential future students from entering the field at all. And when those services become scarce in supply the costs will skyrocket and services will necessarily be rationed. In fact, only the super-rich will have any choice in the type and quality of care they receive because they’ll be able to pay out of pocket for their services, or will be able to afford a lavish insurance policy. But consider your average middle class patient in this near-certain outcome of my owner’s daft-thought legislation: after the docs inevitably break into two camps, those being “Cash Only/Super Insurance Docs” and “Government Reimbursed Docs,” those providers in the Government Reimbursed camp, who will be seeing the vast majority of patients, will have to ration care to only patients who are in greatest need…or you know, those deemed deserving of care by some unelected Health and Human Services panel of bureaucrats. So to your average middle-class readers: fast forward 10 years, maybe 20 on the high end, and you’ll be finding yourself on long waiting lists for the most basic of services with little to no choice in the care you ultimately receive. But then again, what do I know? I’m just a dog after all…
LF: You seem very informed in the health care issue. Why did you take such an interest in this topic?
Bo: Well it was one of my owner’s babies, it was a big deal, just ask Olympic gaffe-lete, Joe Biden [referring to one of Biden’s many gaffes where the Vice President was caught on a live microphone describing the magnitude of the Obamacare signing ceremony using a particularly untoward expletive].
LF: So as President Obama’s “best friend,” were you privy to anything during the Obamacare legislative or pre-legislative process that may be of interest to voters?
Bo: I do recall a particular morning walk with my owner and some of the legislators on the Obamacare team…it was just after they had to concede the universal payer option…they were despondent, and the morning’s cloudy skies, cool drizzle and a panhandling B.B. King saxophonist added to their blues that morning. Suddenly the President stopped walking and commanded his posse’s attention. When they turned to face him he dropped his head and admitted the bill’s shortcomings in its current form, but then he shot up as if he had been revived by some emotional defibrillator and said, ‘It just sounds so cool, though, man!’ He then scanned the donkey-gray sky and found the one ray of sunshine piercing the atmospheric gloom and spread his hands like a frame around that one lone solar soldier, squinted his eyes and passionately whispered, ‘Obamacare…’ And so it was settled in that moment, they went ahead and jammed the treachery through congress without even allowing anyone to read it and digest the vast consequences! What an awful moment for this country. Oh! And I’ll never forget Nancy Pelosi explaining to the American people that, ‘we have to pass it first to see what’s in it, duh!’
LF: Wow, you have a very vivid memory of that moment; it must have been very impactful for you.
Bo: Yeah well, I remember it so well because as he was standing there whispering ‘Obamacare…’ with more passion than Michelle [Obama] has ever heard, I posted up over his drizzle-spattered black wingtip shoe, lifted my leg, and let him know what I really thought of his idea right in front of his friends! It was magical!
LF: I can see where that would be memorable. So we’ve touched on the national debt, and now health care. Is there anything else you would like to speak to that has swayed you to the Republican ticket?
Bo: Well first, let’s remember that I’m a dog and technically I’m not able to speak at all. That being said… Two more things: The Supreme Court and potential United Nations gun control treaties.
LF: Well let’s take them one at a time. Let’s start with the Supreme Court. What about the Supreme Court is pushing you to the Republican ticket in 2012?
Bo: Well four of the current Supreme Court justices are in their seventies, and if my owner gets the opportunity to appoint more Kagan’s and Sotomayor’s to the bench, you bet he’ll be on top of that! Can you imagine such a young, liberal-leaning bench, digesting future cases and crapping out more and more activist rulings until they eventually just decide our Constitution itself needs to be re-written to ‘conform to the times,’ and task Elizabeth Warren with that project?! I’m outta here if that happens; I’ll be on a one-way flight to any country where my species isn’t a featured item on a dining menu!
LF: That’s a fair point. So what about the United Nations gun control treaties you mentioned?
Bo: The U.N. is always pushing for this Arms Trade Treaty, which effectively aims to impose worldwide controls on small arms. My owner has supported banning hand guns and semi-automatic weapons even before becoming President. Why wouldn’t he support signing over our sovereignty and second amendment rights to this international body once reelection is no longer a concern? While our current congress likely won’t ratify such a treaty, after he greases those wheels it’s only a matter of time before we have a congress that is supportive and, BANG! The U.N. will be able to track civilian owned firearms and further advance efforts to disarm American citizens from their global perch. I don’t know about you, but something just doesn’t smell right about that…
LF: Great points and excellent information all around. For a dog, your words have been very insightful. You really put a lot of time and thought into this election. But to end on some lighter questions, what types of activities do you and the President engage in together at the White House?
Bo: When he does find some time for me, that is, when he’s not out golfing, vacationing, campaigning, and signing overreaching legislation…he actually does take me out in the White House lawn for some play time.
LF: Oh, what kinds of games do you play together?
Bo: Well the typical games that dogs and their owners play…except that when we play the games, they’re always a little different than what I hear from my friends at the dog park.
LF: In what ways are they different?
Bo: Well, for example: fetch. If we’re out playing fetch together, you know, we’re having a great time, he’s throwing and I’m fetching, and then out of nowhere some of the 47% of dogs who don’t play fetch walk over to our game, and all of the sudden my owner will take the stick after I return it to him, break it into small, even pieces, and just walk over and give the pieces to the other dogs!
LF: That doesn’t sound like much fun at all. Has he taught you any tricks?
Bo: Ha! Oh yeah, I can do tricks. But we only get to do tricks when he has guests visiting the White House, and even then he just pays a staffer to follow me around the whole night with a taxpayer-funded iPad loaded with a single PowerPoint presentation that he uses as an improvised teleprompter so he knows what to say when it’s time to show off my tricks. It’s true! Seriously, it’s a PowerPoint he had someone throw together that’s like 10 slides. Each slide is just a blue background with a large word in white text, “Sit,” or “Shake,” or “Rollover,” and so on. So whenever we run into him schmoozing with his guests the staffer will hold the iPad up so the president can read it, and advance the slides while the president reads each word and I perform each trick. For real, it happens every time we have guests. And I literally cannot say no to the tricks, I have zero control when it’s trick time…it’s like I’m trained or something. But what’s more, the last slide in the presentation isn’t a trick at all but some closing joke that really freaks me out! It says, “Thanks Bo, and whatever you read about me eating a dog when I was a boy, it ain’t true! *chuckle and acknowledge guests*” Any idea what that’s all about?
LF [chuckling]: Well, if you haven’t read his book yet, check that out sometime, I think you’ll find your answer.
Bo: Well, I’ll have to download the podcast or something since I can’t read, but I’ll get on that after this interview.
LF: Well this has been very insightful and informative. But I would like to leave the readers on a happier note, and maybe there isn’t one, but is there anything you do like about being “first dog” and living in the White House?
Bo: The girls, I love ‘em! We actually have a lot of fun together. They give me a lot of attention and we play together often. Seriously, were it not for those two sweethearts, I would have surely locked myself in the bathroom with a box of king-size Hershey chocolate bars by now.
Crossposted at TruthInJest