The Real 2016

The People’s Commissariat of the Associated Press. Obamuary 13, 2016.

General Secretary of the U.S.S.A. Comrade Obama announced a $2 sextillion economic stimulus plan to boost the ailing U.S. economy. While a $1.9 sextillion stimulus had been contemplated before, Comrade Obama’s $2 sextillion plan signifies real progress.

The 53rd batch of stimulus under Obama’s second term (indefinitely extended in light of the economic crisis) should do much to quantitatively ease the sufferings of the proles gathered around the White House to wildly cheer the Great Leader.

“A $43 quintillion stimulus package enacted in 2014 failed because of corporate greed,” said Comrade Krugman, a professor at the Obamanomics department at Bill Ayers University. “We need a much bigger amount. The plan announced by our Great Leader Comrade Obama is magnificent, but I think we need even more, and I know that Chairman Obama agrees with me.”

“Some economists say we need umpteen dollars, while others say we need a zillion dollars, but I personally believe a godzillion would be sufficient to revive the economy,” added Comrade Reich of the Chairman Mao Memorial Institute for Advanced Democracy.

Reverend Wright, the high priest of the Church of Saint Obama, sprinkled holy urine upon the first batch of helicopter money printed under the new plan.

“In the name of the Father, the Mother and the Muthafucka,” His Holiness said. “Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father Obama feedeth them. Let these helicopters ascend to the sky like fowls and bestow this manna upon the Chosen People. God damn America, amen.”

Karl Marx Street was enthusiastic about the news. Stock markets rallied.

“I think we’ll finally see light at the end of the tunnel,” a Karl Marx Street trader said. “I firmly believe this stimulus plan is gonna make it, unlike previous ones.”

Comrade Bernanke, chairman of the People’s Commissariat for Banking and Finance, said he had a positive outlook for the U.S. economy.

“Everything is under control,” Comrade Bernanke said. “We have drastically reduced inflation to a mere 1000% rate.”

The defanged minority GOP came up from the Congressional basement for a symbolic vote in protest of their official role as eternal scapegoat of the Democratic Party of Social Justice. The roll call was 464-1. Only Congressman Ron Paul voted ‘aye.’

“I will continue to preach the Constitutional principles of liberty and individual responsibility until someone takes me seriously,” the crazy kook politician said while dodging various objects flung at his head.

In other news, foreign dignitaries have been invited to the White House Annual Burning in Effigy of the Heretic Ayn Rand Children’s Jamboree and National Picnic. Copies of Atlas Shrugged and the Fountainhead, personal possession of which constitutes summary execution by firing squad, shall be burned while adults roast hot dogs and children toast marshmallows over the flames.

This year, Comrade Mahmoud Ahmadenijad, Global Police Commissioner Vladimir Putin, and Co-Chairman Hu will be in attendance. All issued statements applauding General Secretary Obama’s efforts on behalf of world peace; and particularly, his crusade to rid the world of nuclear weapons through unilateral disarmament. Obama won his fourth consecutive Nobel Peace Prize earlier this year.

Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.