Well, politics has a way of ruining things. It’s latest victim is Sesame Street. During last week’s presidential debate, Republican nominee Mitt Romney said that PBS and Big Bird didn’t need government funding. Little kids went ballistic. The Obama campaign actually released an addepicting Bid Bird as the head of a massive corporate criminal conspiracy.
That sad fact is that it’s true. Big Bird had ruled Sesame Street since the late 1990s after he was able to knock off his rival, Cookie Monster, during the ’99 War. Allegedly, Bird’s two main hit men, Bert and Ernie, laced one of Monster’s cookies with cyanide leading to a cessation of hostilities.
In the aftermath, Bird became the undisputed Boss on Sesame Street. According to Norah O’Donnell at CBS News, once Bird took over, his underboss, Aloysius Snuffleupagus, made sure that he dealt with what was left of Cookie’s crime family.
Oscar the Grouch, Cookie’s consigliere, was found dead inside his garbage can riddled almost 45 times with 50. caliber bullets.
Count Von Count, underboss to Monster, vanished without a trace, but was last seen leaving P.S. 118 after giving a “numbers lesson” to sixth graders. It’s a well known fact that the school system served as the life’s blood for Cookie’s illegal Ritalin trade.
Elmo, Grover, and Kermit, who were all of Cookie’s capos, were killed in a car bomb planted, according to most news sources, by Bert.
Since then, Big Bird, a lovable sociopath, has kept Sesame Street under his domain and no one has dared challenge him since then.