In an effort to combat the popular misconception that the president “doesn’t know what he’s doing,” the Obama administration has requested $287 billion from Congress for a bold new program that would send emergency aid to the most inept government agencies to “fight incompetence.”
“For too long we’ve been satisfied with government incompetence,” the president said in a special impromptu address to Congress, “and this approach has been wasteful, inefficient, and not to mention, divisive. Bureaucrats don’t need to be impugned for their lack of ability or their uncanny knack for screwing everything up. They don’t need a hand out, they need a hand up.”
Addressing the packed session of Congress, the grandiloquent orator provoked rousing bouts of applause. The president continued explaining his fearless vision for a more efficient government bureaucracy.
“That is why I am proposing a $287 billion package to stimulate bureaucrats’ interest in doing their jobs. Sure, they already get paid double what their private sector counterparts do, but government work is so much harder, nobler, and let’s face it, more boring than jobs in the competitive work force.”
Nods across the packed Capitol building greeted the president’s apt words.
“Now some may claim that what is needed is more privatization and more competition for government services. But my response is to ask why do we need to introduce fear into the equation? If a person is afraid of losing his job, then he can’t concentrate on the task at hand. Excuse me, can someone please adjust the teleprompter?”
When approached for reaction, Speaker of the House John Boehner seemed receptive to the proposal.
“I can’t say that I agree with the president’s point-of-view that throwing money at wasteful and incompetent government agencies will change anything, and if anything, we are likely to see more of the same incompetence the money is supposed to fight,” the Speaker said. “On the other hand, we have to be sensible and not jeopardize the bi-partisan spirit of the Congress. We have to be open-minded to compromise. I’m willing to go along with the proposal, but not for such a lofty sum of money. I’m sure $286 billion would be more than enough for the president, at least for a pilot program.”
Rebecca Block Grant, a consultant for the Watchdog Agency for the Department of Government Waste Oversight, was thrilled by the president’s address. “No other president has dared to treat bureaucrats like they were real people, with humanity, empathy, and even affection, while acknowledging our flaws,” she gushed and wiped a tear from her eye. “My agency has come under intense scrutiny for allowing excessive waste and incompetence in government, but these funds will go a long way towards restoring fiscal discipline and efficiency. Obama is a real godsend.”
The president’s proposal is expected to pass the House with all Democrats voting for it and just enough Republicans to put the bill over the top.
Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally. This piece was originally posted on RogueGovernment.