Dear Terrorists and other enemies of the USA around the world
I just wanted to drop you a line, and remind you how hard I have been working here in Washington to make things easier for you. Thanks to the recent ruling by the Court here, I’ll be ignoring our southern border – I don’t really care about that crazy woman out in Arizona. While I can’t give arms to the drug cartels anymore, I have no plans to give in to the GOP on Fast and Furious. Of course, if it becomes necessary, I have no qualms about hanging Holder out to dry.
Also, the media is on top of demonizing the opposition. And I’ve started assembling lawyers to contest the results, if the election doesn’t go exactly my way. I’ve even got groups to silence conservatives on Twitter, and have a team dedicated to bullying webhosts into shutting down websites of my detractors.
It’s true that the FBI is keeping tabs on extremists in the military, but that simply can’t be helped. That’s just too noticeable to allow. But, there is still the lack of security on the Mexican border in your favor. And that is costing me votes – not to mention, it’s making a majority of Americans think I actually want to encourage illegal immigration. Too bad you only managed to train a Norwegian man as an operative. But, he shouldn’t have any difficulty sneaking into the US over either border. He could probably just fly in anyway. It’s not like I’m demanding efficiency or competency from the TSA.
But, one thing is, I really do need you to act soon. It can’t be too close to the elections here in November, because that might be too suspicious. And I’ll need time to muster up some sympathy, and get the message out there that we need to be a united nation against the threat. Obviously, we don’t want to let the people know that it was all constructed by me in the first place, so make sure you have control of your people. Well, that probably isn’t a problem, because you probably aren’t telling them that you’re conspiring with me in the first place!
Barack H. Obama
**Obviously, this is not an actual letter from our President to unnamed terrorists. Well, here’s hoping that he’s never actually written anything like this! If he had, no doubt he would say that it is protected by Executive Privilege.