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All Massachusetts People Look Alike to Me

John Kerry recalls why he loathes unscripted campaign events.

When I first read that Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry (D–Noblesse Oblige) had been recruited to play the opponent during practice presidential debates, I considered it an inspired choice.

There is a slight problem with respective ages for the two candidates, but otherwise everything else is perfect. One pretentious, cliché–ridden windbag impersonating another is excellent practice for when the curtain goes up in October.

Nothing inspires confidence like realistic training. It’s good to know our candidate will be ready when the media starts firing probing questions regarding plans to counteract the nationwide contraceptive famine and the long lines of homosexuals crowding emergency rooms after being refused visitation rights.

And to be fair, my first thought was this action combined an impressive sacrifice on John Kerry’s part, on both a personal and professional level, with a sincere attempt to make amends for past mistakes.

I was concerned about how the Massachusetts’ black community would react and if his participation as a debate stand–in would harm the senator’s re–election prospects. But in this instance the end truly justifies the means and the loss of Kerry’s senate seat is a small price to pay if that’s what it takes to elect Mitt Romney as our next president.

But then I discovered Kerry is not portraying Barack Obama in debate rehearsals, he’s portraying Mitt Romney, which means everything is wrong. Nothing propinques like propinquity and both men are from Massachusetts, but choosing Kerry to impersonate Romney is just more evidence of an out of touch Obama campaign.

The two candidate’s personalities could not be more disparate; starting with unscripted moments on the stump. Yes, Mitt tries too hard. He’s a bit awkward. And when he tells a joke Romney acts like he’s reading from a fortune cookie in the original Chinese, but in comparison John Kerry makes Romney look like Jim Carrey.

Who will ever forget “I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty?” A cringe–inducing image that pegged the hokey meter.

In a crowd or on stage Mitt almost looks natural and relaxed. Kerry looks like he’s attending an autopsy. And although the American’s With Disabilities Act has made wheelchair access to political stages much easier, the law has done nothing to ease the passage of Sen. Kerry’s sedan chair as he tries to get closer to the podium. And long walks through the crowd are always a problem, since the senator does not like to be touched.

Mike Huckabee, comparing himself to Romney, once joked, “I want to be a president who reminds you of the guy you work with, not the guy who laid you off.” Kerry reminds me of the guy wearing a cowl who says, “The executioner will see you now.”

Romney is simply a victim of driving while affluent. The MSM likes the Kerry choice because he “is uber–wealthy, like Romney” and both have changed political positions before and during campaigns. As Jack Cafferty said, “One elite, rich, emotionless Massachusetts politician filling in for another.”

But Kerry’s money arrived via his marriage to the uber–rich Teresa Heinz a sort of government–approved program called share–the–wealth matrimony style. While Romney actually earned his.

Kerry’s position changes are viewed as Darwinian in that they “evolved” from a position progressives didn’t like into one they did. Whereas Romney is characterized as flip–flopping on the beach like a mackerel stranded by “global warming” because his positions became more conservative.

Even though the Obama campaign has made a terrible choice, that does not mean the pressure is off the Romney campaign. Their choice of an Obama stand–in is even more fraught with peril. In 2008 the McCain traveling circus could get away with choosing lily–white former Congressman Rob Portman to impersonate Obama, but that was when Barack was still the “post racial” candidate.

Now that he’s “most racial” candidate, choosing a honkie for Hussein is a good way to get Al Sharpton to picket Debate Training Central. It’s got to be a black man and that, through no fault of their own, puts Republicans in a bind.

Cong. Alan West is out because he’s too intense and he obviously believes in what he says. Former Congressman J. C. Watts is out because he’s too genuine.

What we need is a black politician with a certain amount of presence and excellent speaking skills, but at the same time is an indifferent manager with a tenuous grasp of financial matters.

Hmmm. Does anyone know what former RNC Chairman Michael Steele is doing these days?

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