1001 Reasons to Vote Against Barack Obama: Mitt Match-up Edition

By | June 13, 2012

  1. President Obama is a cigarette smoker who has failed to quit. Mitt Romney is not a smoker.
  2. Obama visibly drank alcohol on several occasions while in office. Romney does not drink alcohol. Or coffee. No one is quite sure what he drinks.
  3. In one of his many biographies, Obama confessed to using pot and a little blow. Mitt Romney does not like it when his neighbors smoke pot on the beach. And get off his lawn.
  4. Mitt Romney was once said to have hired illegal immigrants, but he only hired a landscaping company that employed illegals.  Barack Obama directly hired hundreds of illegal aliens at taxpayer expense.
  5. Mitt Romney was slammed in a Washington Post hit piece for hazing a student who turned out to be gay. Barack Obama admits to having shoved around a girl while in school.
  6. Barack Obama confessed to eating dog in his biography Dreams from My Father. Mitt Romney likes his steak medium rare.
  7. The Obamas enjoy attacking fast food chains. Mitt Romney enjoys making fast food chains profitable.
  8. After berating Americans about unhealthy food habits, Michelle Obama ordered a cheeseburger, french fries, and a chocolate shake from the Shake Shack, while Obama scarfed down wieners at a sausage fest. Mitt Romney doesn’t like cookies.
  9. When throwing out the first pitch at a major league baseball game, Obama noticeably threw like a girl. At age six, Mitt could already hit a baseball further than the current president.
  10. While throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game, Obama wore both a White Sox hat and a Nationals jersey and drew unmistakable boos. When Mitt Romney wears a Red Sox jersey, he wears only a Red Sox jersey.
  11. When throwing out the first pitch at an All-Star game, after being warned by Albert Pujols “not to bounce it,” he decides to wear mom jeans. On the campaign trail, Mitt Romney wears Dockers (and he requires his staff to do likewise).
  12. During an interview with Bob Costas, Obama mispronounced Comiskey Park as “Kaminsky Park.” Romney not only goes to Fenway Park, he knows how to say it.
  13. It is not clear whether or not Barack Obama knows how to properly throw a football. Mitt Romney not only knows how to play football, he doesn’t wear shades and a baseball cap while doing it.
  14. The president bicycles with a helmet that would make Urkel blush. Mitt Romney digs motorcycles.
  15. Barack Obama goes shirtless as he takes long walks on the beach. Mitt Romney has magic underwear.
  16. Obama likes to pick NCAA tournament brackets. Romney likes to pick winning stocks.
  17. Obama can be shown to dye his hair black and gray as desired. Mitt Romney has an immaculately manicured coif that shines with the sheen of a silver fox.
  18. The president has played over 1650 holes of golf while in office. Romney doesn’t go to the golf course often, because one time he did and he was arrested for sliding on big blocks of ice.
  19. No one even knows Mitt Romney’s golf handicap. Barack Obama’s handicap is he doesn’t know how to create jobs.
  20. When Mitt Romney goes bowling, he rolls strikes. Obama bowled a 37 over seven frames before quitting.
  21. Barack Obama cracked an insensitive joke about the Special Olympics. Mitt Romney helped turn around the actual Olympics.
  22. Obama gets pizza chefs delivered from St. Louis. Romney delivers pizza to firefighters.
  23. President Obama holds beer summits. Mitt Romney holds jobs summits with small business owners.
  24. Mitt Romney will likely get the vote of Chuck Norris. Barack Obama will get the votes of the kinds of folks Chuck Norris used to kill. Just by thinking about them.
  25. Mitt Romney’s wife is a hard-working, cancer-surviving mother of five children. Barack Obama’s wife once got paid a six figure salary for a mail-in job on a hospital board.
  26. Barack Obama’s VP is Joe Biden. Mitt Romney’s VP will not be Joe Biden.
  27. When Barack Obama does a speech, he uses a teleprompter. When Mitt Romney gives a speech, he uses Brylcreem.
  28. Mitt Romney’s real first name is Willard. Barack Obama’s middle name is “Hussein.”
  29. The name of Mitt Romney’s mom is Lenore. The name of Barack Obama’s mom is Stanley.
  30. Barack Obama’s father was a womanizing Kenyan marxist. Mitt Romney’s dad was a union-friendly governor of Michigan.
  31. Obama’s idea of community service is shaking down banks and agitating for radical causes. Mitt Romney’s idea of community service is doing charity work overseas.
  32. Mitt Romney’s idea of missionary work is promoting the faith of the Mormon Church. Barack Obama’s idea of missionary work involves Mrs. Obama and won’t be discussed on this blog.
  33. Barack Obama cracks lewd jokes about Michelle Obama “doesn’t go all the way down” on her pushups. Mitt Romney doesn’t think there’s anything funny about not going all the way down on pushups, and if anyone on his campaign does it during morning PT, he has to sleep on the campaign bus.
  34. Mitt Romney gives away pocketfuls of cash to jobless campaign volunteers. Barack Obama gives away presidential medals of freedom to known Marxist leaders like Dolores Huerta.
  35. Barack Obama’s idea of “change” is turning a prosperous free country into a hyper-regulated basketcase. Mitt Romney’s idea of change  is the wad of twenties in his pocket.
  36. After his father died, Mitt Romney gave away his entire inheritance to the BYU scholarship fund. Barack Obama gave away a bust of Winston Churchill that was a gift from England.
  37. Barack Obama once gifted a boxed set of DVDs to Prime Minister Gordon Brown that was not even formatted correctly. Mitt Romney has never seen The Wizard of Oz, due to its hidden socialist undertones.*
  38. Obama gave an iPod to Queen Elizabeth loaded with his “greatest” speeches.  Mitt Romney’s iPod doesn’t have his own speeches; more like country rock and Americana.
  39. Barack Obama likes to give shout outs to politically motivated and foul-mouthed gangsta rappers. Mitt Romney doesn’t listen to hip hop.
  40. When he was younger, Barack Obama’s idol was Saul Alinsky. Mitt Romney’s idol was Jesus Christ.
  41. Barack Obama holds onto politically partisan hacks like Eric Holder too long because he doesn’t like to fire his fellow Democrats. Because he lives in the world of reality, Mitt Romney likes the ability to fire incompetent workers.
  42. Say what you want about Mitt Romney’s vacations, at least they don’t cost America’s taxpayers millions.
  43. Obama’s slogan “Forward” has a rich history of socialist usage. Mitt Romney’s slogan “Believe in America,” despite MSNBC’s idiotic assertions, has nothing to do with the KKK.
  44. Mitt Romney rightly called the Occupy Movement “dangerous” as it piled up over 6,000 arrests. Barack Obama called it “the reason I ran for office.”
  45. Barack Obama “empathizes” with the Occupiers. Mitt Romney empathizes with the unemployed looking for a full-time job.
  46. Mitt  calls the auto bailout “tragic,” as it has led to a $16 billion loss for taxpayers. Obama claims that the auto bailouts “worked.”
  47. While Mitt slams Obama for the disastrous economy, the president thinks the private sector’s “doing just fine.”
  48. Mitt Romney warns America about a “government-run economy.” Barack Obama fears a market-run economy.
  49. The last time Mitt Romney dined with the Chinese was at Szechuan Palace. The last time Obama dined with the Chinese, he begged the commie-run government to buy up more of our debt.
  50. When Mitt thinks of “AAA,” he laments the decline in our S&P credit ratings. When Obama thinks “AAA,” he recalls an auto club he once joined.
  51. Mitt Romney sometimes forgets the keys to his Ford Mustang. Barack Obama “sometimes forgets” the magnitude of the recession the country’s been in.
  52. When Romney hears about the “New Black Panthers,” he intuitively thinks about booking a family trip to the Franklin Park Zoo. When Obama hears about the New Black Panthers, he checks his dayrunner to see if he has time for a speaking engagement.
  53. The in-the -tank media are investigating if Mitt Romney gave away free subs to court voters in Wisconsin. The same media could care less if there were free subs patrolling the waters of the Atlantic seaboard.
  54. Barack Obama’s Secretary of the Navy named vessels after disgraced Democrat Jack Murtha, civil rights champion Medgar Evers, and leftist labor leader Cesar Chavez. Mitt Romney obviously named his son Taggart for an Atlas Shrugged character.
  55. Mitt Romney once defied the state of Massachusetts by insisting he can put whatever stickers on his boat he wants. Barack Obama’s wife wants to “sponsor” an all-female boat in the Navy, whatever that means.
  56. Contrary to popular misconception, Mitt Romney’s favorite game is not Etch-a-Sketch, it is Monopoly (with real money). Barack Obama’s favorite game is crushing the hopes and dreams of small business owners.
  57. Under Mitt Romney’s governorship with the Democrat-dominated Massachusetts legislature, it became more expensive to go ice skating, register a boat, or get a duplicate driver’s license. Under Obama, it became more expensive to breathe.
  58. Barack Obama’s idea of “stimulus” is to blow hundreds of billions on an economic program that fails by its own measures. Mitt Romney’s idea of “stimulus” is to cut taxes and expenses for businesses so people can get back to work.
  59. When Barack Obama gives a speech, he stops to listen to his “God echo.”  Mitt Romney has never heard a “God echo” — perhaps one time in church.
  60. As head of Bain Capital, Mitt Romney advised struggling companies to lay off a few thousand workers to keep afloat. As head of the United States, Obama’s economic policies have seen through the loss of over 5 million jobs.
  61. Mitt Romney supports drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Obama supports sky-high gas prices.
  62. Barack Obama believes in fairy tales like manmade climate change and supported taxing the world economy via cap-and-trade. Mitt Romney opposes regulating carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases, as ThinkProgress laments.
  63. Mitt Romney concedes that liquid coal is a viable form of energy. Barack Obama’s approach to coal is to destroy the industry.
  64. Romney withdrew Massachusetts from the carbon-regulatory regime RGGI. Obama’s science czar John Holdren would like to see such a scheme implemented on a “planetary” scale.
  65. Obama collects Spiderman and Conan the Barbarian comics. Mitt Romney collects struggling businesses before turning them around.
  66. Barack was known as “O’bomber” in high school (thankfully, for his basketball shooting skills).  Willard “Mitt” Romney has affectionately been called “Mittens.”
  67. Barack Obama won a Grammy in 2006 for the audio version of Dreams from My Father. Mitt Romney has a Grammy – her name is Anna.
  68. Barack Obama has read every Harry Potter book. Mitt Romney has read every known book on executive management.*
  69. Obama kept a pet ape named TaTa while in Indonesia. Mitt Romney has never owned an ape, and certainly wouldn’t name one for a part of the women’s anatomy.
  70. Before going more with an everyman’s look, Mitt Romney used to don suits from Nordstrom’s. Barack Obama wears suits from some designers, including a guy named Marx.
  71. Barack Obama’s secret service codename is “Renegade.” Mitt Romney’s codename is alternately “Javelin” or Iceman.
  72. Obama has his hair cut once a week by Zariff the barber for $21. Mitt Romney has never cut his hair, it always remains perfect.
  73. President Obama owns four identical pairs of size 11 shoes. Mitt Romney owns 400 pairs of identical shoes, matching black jacket, black pants, and starched white shirts.*
  74. Mitt Romney’s favorite novel is Battlefield Earth, a novel set in 3000 featuring aliens with bad breath and intergalactic bankers who collect on a bad debt. Barack Obama’s favorite novel is Moby Dick, a tome about a mad fisherman’s quest to slay a white whale.
  75. Mitt Romney’s favorite film is O Brother, Where Are Thou?, which is based on the Odyssey and set in 1930s southern America. Barack Obama’s favorite film is One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, a film based on a borderline crazy man’s experience in an insane asylum.
  76. When Obama likes a musician, like Bob Dylan, he gives him a presidential medal of freedom. Mitt Romney buys their CD.
  77. Barack Obama stands 6’1. Mitt Romney is 6’2 (6’4 if you count his hair).
  78. Barack Obama can’t stand ice cream. Mitt Romney personally scoops ice cream for his supporters.
  79. For Mitt and Ann Romney’s first date, they went to see the soaring musical The Sound of Music. For Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date, they went to see Spike Lee’s racial tensions flick Do the Right Thing.
  80. Barack Obama applied to appear in a black pin-up calendar in college, but was turned down by the all-female panel. Mitt Romney looks too perfect to be an Abercrombie & Fitch model.
  81. Barack Obama switched to a Ford Hybrid from a Chrysler 300 C during his campaign (before his presidential ride became The Beast). Mitt Romney owns many cars, including a Ford Mustang and a number of SUVs, and he doesn’t apologize for them.
  82. Obama said he would liked to have been an architect if he were not a politician. Mitt Romney would have liked to have been a successful businessman.
  83. Obama said, ““Like it or not, we have to have a financial system that is healthy and functioning.” Romney would like it.
  84. Barack Obama said “I think when you spread the wealth around it’s good for everybody.” Mitt Romney thinks that when you get off your behind and work, it’s good for everybody.
  85. Obama actually said, ““In America, there’s a failure to appreciate Europe’s leading role in the world.” Mitt Romney has warned repeatedly about the ruinous course of the European welfare state.
  86. President Obama said, “We can’t drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times…” Mitt Romney actually thinks you can.
  87. Mitt Romney was almost arrested in Utah for merely saying  the f-word when he insists he said “H-E-double hockey sticks.” President Obama once blasted his staff after an unsavory meeting with Benjamin Netanyahu by yelling, “What the f*** was that?!?”
  88. Mitt Romney took no salary as Massachusetts Governor or president of the Olympics in Salt Lake City. Barack Obama took no salary for all those jobs he didn’t do.
  89. Mitt Romney is the author of No Apology: The Case for American Greatness. Barack Obama is probably the author of a children’s book.
  90. Romney promises to “rebuild the foundations of the American economy on the principles of free enterprise, hard work, and innovation.” Obama will fail to build our nation’s future on the backs of our children with unlimited government spending, unending debt, and rampant corruption.
  91. On Mitt Romney’s campaign site, he states that he wants to cut red tape and cites that, “Regulations function as a hidden tax on Americans, with the federal government’s own Small Business Administration placing the price tag at $1.75 trillion annually.” Barack Obama has exploded regulations in the nation, leading to tens of billions in additional bureaucratic burdens.
  92. Governor Romney expanded gun rights in liberal Massachusetts and is an NRA member. President Obama has been hostile to gun ownership and on a questionnaire supported the ban of handguns and assault rifles.
  93. Candidate Romney has said straight up that, “Producing more domestic energy would create good jobs and bolster local economies.” Before becoming elected, Obama said, “Under my plan of a cap and trade system, electricity rates would necessarily skyrocket.” Even without cap and trade, they have anyway.
  94. Mitt Romney believes Russia is a “destabilizing force on the world stage.” A concessionary Barack Obama once assured Dmitry Medvedev that “after my election I will have more flexibility” to yield to Russian interests.
  95. Romney advocates “smaller, smarter, simpler government.” Obama wants to hire even more government employees.
  96. Governor Romney once signed off on the individual mandate to carry health insurance. President Obama signed legislation that would force a similar program onto all Americans, regardless of what their state legislatures vote on it.
  97. Mitt Romney says unabashedly that “Israel is the United States’ closest ally in the Middle East and a beacon of democracy and freedom in the region.” Obama’s mixed record on Israel has left many Jews questioning if he’s really “got their back.”
  98. Mitt Romney believes it is unacceptable for Iran to possess a nuclear weapon. Barack Obama did nothing to promote a benign democratization push in Iran at the most opportune time.
  99. On the jobs front, Mitt Romney supports “free enterprise, free choice, and free speech.” Barack Obama supports what Mitt Romney calls the “government-centered society.”
  100. Mitt Romney is not Barack Obama.

This is the ninth in a ten part series. Continued here.

FOR THE COMPLETE LIST OF 1001 REASONS CLICK HERE.

*That is a complete joke.

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