(Associated Depressed) — President Obama issued an executive order entitled the Equality in Marriage Act, requiring by law that all marriages be, “Equal in all respects, whether in terms of gender, race, religion, sexual preference, appearance, or intelligence.”
The policy shift ushers in not only a new era of legal equality between homosexual and heterosexual couples, but equalized marriage outcomes for all human beings, regardless of race, gender, or sexual preference.
“The time has come for us to set aside our petty differences,” President Obama said before a White House podium overlooking the picturesque National Mall, “to take hope in the change of this transformational agenda, so that all people, no matter what background or what our individual differences, will not be overly blessed or overly cursed with a marriage to someone who is not right for them.”
Millions applauded the president for the progressive decree, which would put an end to marriage inequality once and for all. People who once thought they were doomed to a miserable marriage to someone in their same victim class have already looked forward to seeing the new policy put in practice.
But now that the applause has ended, controversy has set in regarding what exactly the president meant.
“Well, frankly, there is no precedent in American law for this kind of sweeping, although breathtaking vision,” said Mortimer L. Swathley of the politically neutral Brookings Institution. “We are in a new era of law when we just have to try to discern what Obama’s intentions are when he issues an executive order. Such scholars have already dubbed themselves ‘Obama reconstructivists.’ ”
The decree has sent lawyers, judges, and pastors scrambling to accommodate a flurry of new matrimonial activity sure to provide a stimulus for the recovering economy.
“We still aren’t sure if Obama means that two people with high IQs now need to get divorced and remarry spouses with proportionately lower IQs,” said Judge Michael B. Fuddell. “Or if two good-looking people have to separate and pair with ugly partners, or if white people have to marry black people, or even so far that dark people have to marry pasty people. It’s kind of a legal nightmare…but an exciting one.”
The national divorce rate has already tripled, providing a boon to family legal practices across the country. Marriage rates also received a much-needed boost, although single people are already starting to grumble about discrimination.
“Couples who once found themselves chained to a much dumber or uglier spouse were initially happier that Obama approved the overall collective equality in their marriages,” said psychotherapist Jill Brubeck of a marriage counseling agency in California. “But as mandatory reporters, we are having trouble getting two intellectually-challenged partners to acknowledge that there is any inequality there. They just aren’t bright enough to make sense of the law, poor things.”
While heterosexuals struggle to set aside previous marriages and find their opposites in terms of race, looks, and IQ, homosexuals are elated that gay marriage has effectively been federally mandated.
“If heterosexuals can be trapped in pledged lifelong monogamy, why can’t gays?” said one legal expert. “The only question remaining is why married couples should hoard all the misery, when singles escape scot-free. I think it is time for the president to call upon singles to show a little self-sacrifice, and share the misery.”
While there are still many issues unsettled regarding Obama’s executive order, some citizens are already seeing a positive difference in their lives.
“I thought I was happy wedded to a smart, wonderful husband, having beautiful healthy children,” sobbed Sarah Milner joyfully, “but after listening to President Obama, I realized that I was being selfish, and I could never tolerate living such an unfair life. So I quit and married a bum who was making catcalls to me everyday on the way to work. The guilt is gone, and I’ve felt better ever since.”
The policy is set to be fully implemented following Barack Obama’s last election.
Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.
Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker, Misfit Politics, and OwntheNarrative, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk shows at OTNN.