Evil Corporation: Wal-mart
Routinely causes Christmastime stampedes by offering X-boxes at below market value, leading to the deaths of customers and employees. Wal-mart also pays employees such a low wage that they often can only afford to put a roof over their head, food on their table, clothes on their kids’ backs, and just one television, cell-phone, and automobile. Oftentimes, this cancer on society offers products at lower prices than their competitors so that customers actually save money. What’s next, executing consumers as they’re shopping? Clean up on aisle nine, indeed!
Evil Government: Maoist China
The People’s Revolution started our benevolent enough, but took an evil turn, as so often is the case, when people wanted to taint the beautiful socialist paradise with that scourge of all communist republics – international trade. The Chinese people wanted to industrialize their nation to catch up with the capitalist predator states, and so they decided, “Hey, let’s grow a shitload of grain and trade it for industrial goods so that we can make our own factories.” Mistake! Since the people were so eager to promote the shared goals of the people’s democracy, they embellished slightly to inject some positive thinking into the plan – kind of like a “self-fulfilling prophecy” (Some bourgeois pigs try to argue that they were merely trying to satisfy the quotas so as to avoid reprisals. Liars!) Anyway, about twenty million people died (give or take twenty million) in the ironically named Great Leap Forward. But isn’t that a small sacrifice for the project of building the future of communism? And let’s face it, that’s nothing compared to the nightmare of rows and rows of canned goods.
Evil Corporation: Disney
Disney started out as a fairly innocuous cartoon motion picture company and became the unstoppable juggernaut of all children’s entertainment quasi-monopolies. From paying below living wage in such manufacturing havens as Haiti, to taking over upstart challengers like Pixar, this capitalist money machine is out to grind up humans, and your children’s minds, like amusingly animated sausage in their labor-production mills. Their greed is demonstrated by their insatiable desire to turn out smash hit after smash hit pitting various funny animals and imaginary creatures in a variety of unlikely scenarios, at least within today’s oppressive “free market” system. In other words, theirs is a failure to adequately promote the goals of socialist realism. Lately, their despicable profit-driven behavior has been mitigated by their wanton sexualization of youth, which, as the great socialist visionary Gyorgy Lukacs points out, makes children rebel against Christianity and therefore, against bourgeois capitalist culture. This shows that this most evil of corporations can possibly be reformed if it is run by a truly enlightened socialist.
Evil Government: The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea
Besides the atrocity of having been a communist utopia run by a pudgy dwarf sporting blu-blocker sunglasses, there have been rampant unconfirmed rumors of mass starvation, forced labor, and ritual demonstrations reinforcing the cult of personality surrounding their Dear Leader. Now, if we assume that these reports are true, this would make the DPRK a really bad place, and one non-conforming to the Marxian ideals of free labor, free love, and free pizza (I made the last one up – I really like pizza). So what can we conclude about “North Korea” (if we acknowledge its evil twin in the South as a separate state)? Sure a lot of people get shot “fleeing” across the Amnok river (to the much better-run communist state of China), but have you ever seen Black Friday? There’s no comparison.
Evil Corporation: Microsoft
Sure, we use their software. And some of us use their Internet browsers. But aren’t these Microsoft people, like, really annoying? I mean, what with their imperfect operating systems and “updates” and what-not? And how do they allow viruses to even exist? Isn’t it a plot to make anti-virus software companies money? There’s got to be some kickbacks. Somebody’s making a buck somewhere, and they’re not sharing it with me. Anyway, Bill Gates tries to act all “charitable” and stuff, but it’s all just tax write-offs. Microsoft gets all sorts of tax breaks. That is money out of my pocket they are taking. Someone should shut these people down and we would have a more democratic Internet run by the government. Well, and Google.
Evil Government: Soviet Russia
Now how cliche is this? Blaming the Soviet Union for trying to bring peace and good will on earth? We should be ashamed of ourselves. But back in the USSR, the Russkies somehow got the reputation of being a bit draconian. So what? You’ve got to protect the gains of the Revolution somehow! But I digress. There is a lot of hay made about The Great Purges. And the Five Year Plans. And the Show Trials. And the manmade starvation in Ukraine. And forced deportation in the Caucuses. And the gulags. And the KGB-run police state. And Stalin’s cooperation with Hitler. and its assassination of Polish elites at Katyn Forest. And the Soviet Union’s crushing of Hungary in 1956. And its stifling of the Prague Spring in 1968. And its repression of Polish ‘Solidarity.’ And its domination of local satellites and extraction of resources. And its elites, who lived on caviar and vodka while people went malnourished. But what about the glorious vision of a world without corporations? There’s got to be something to be said for that. Anyone? Anyone?
Evil Corporation: General Electric
The company that brought us the lightbulb brought us a whole lot more than that. Imagine, if you will, a dark plot to replace all the clean-burning kerosene lamps of the world with wasteful incandescent lightbulbs. Now imagine that very same company wanting us all to change from those same incandescent lightbulbs to mercury-filled flourescent lightbulbs. Talk about hypocrisy! Now let’s say that company wanted to go quid pro quo with the government and publicly back the drastic cutting of carbon emissions via one of its networks, say NBC, CNBC, and MSNBC, a democratic policy that would just happen to give the government proxy control over the economy, in exchange for higher profits coming from the outlawing of incandescent lightbulbs, thereby destroying its worse-positioned competitors?
We have to look at this as yin and yang, a balancing of good and evil. On the one hand, there is the obvious good that comes from forcing everyone to buy curly-q lightbulbs, and to boot, backing the bestest president in the history of the world. Ever. Then there is the supernatural evil that emanates from profits, which take over politicians’ minds and force them to be corrupt just through the very existence of money. Eliminate money, eliminate corruption – it really is that simple, folks. Although it’s a toss-up, the fact that GE is a profitable corporation puts it undeniably in the ‘evil’ category, despite all its good works on behalf of America’s historic first socialist president. GE does truly stand for Generally Evil.
Evil Government: The Khmer Rouge
Khmer Rouge is not just a poorly named brand of french make-up, it was also the regime that oversaw Cambodia during the reign of Pol Pot (perhaps the funniest name for a communist dictator in world history). By the time Pol Pot was done giving communist regimes a bad name, two million Cambodians would be dead. So, thanks to this inefficient boob, we have an indelible image of a communist regime represented by a stack of skulls. Well, how about an even more horrible picture? A stack of laptop computer boxes! Sheesh!