AP (Amateur Press) — Barack Obama achieved a historic victory over the Senate today with a 99-0 drubbing of the extremist Republicans and Democrats who opposed his budget plan. Every single Senator voted against the budget plan, and were proved not up to the bold challenge the president had put before them.
The vote proves once again that Obama is simply too progressive for the U.S Congress, which the president said is still mired in reactionary thinking about budgets and numbers.
“While I have reached out in a spirit of bi-partisan compromise to the Congress by moderating the magnificence of my budget plan,” the president chided the legislature, “it still turned out to be too progressive. If others only shared my vision of a nation with at least a hundred trillion dollars in debt, spent on noble causes of my choosing, we could move past being a backwards country.”
The president continued to take the Congress to task for its limited vision and preoccupation with spending and debt.
“The Greeks get it. The Portuguese get it. The Spanish get it. Why can’t our own Congress, touted as the most enlightened in the world, get it?” Mr. Obama said with self-righteous indignation. “What we have in this body are a bunch of radical extremists who want to keep America mired in the eighteenth century. It is time we grow up as a country, become more like Europe, and progress into the twentieth century.”
Of course, the president was referring also to the House of Representatives, whom he defeated in a budget battle in March 414-0.
“Ultimately, what I would like to see is a more compassionate country that actually fulfills the American Dream,” Obama said wistfully, transcending the mundane surroundings of the Rose Garden, “one where everyone has his wants and needs paid for by everybody else. Only when everyone sees the economic justice of such a world, will there be a people progressive enough to live it.”
When asked for comment, DNC Chairwoman Debbie-Wasserman Schultz provided some context.
“Barack Obama is a great man of history who is simply too far ahead of his time,” she said angrily. “There is simply no way a Congress could defeat the splendor of such a man, without defeating itself. The budget not being put into law might even be a good thing, since it is a vindication of the president’s transcendence over the extremists in the House and Senate, and even above the country itself. In that way, the budget not being passed into law is in itself a victory.”
The president’s own words at the press conference support Ms. Wasserman-Schultz’ sentiment.
“Voting for this bill would have been the wrong thing to do at this time,” the president said with a sigh. “Unfortunately, the American people just aren’t ready.”
Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.
Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker, Misfit Politics, and OwntheNarrative, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk shows at OTNN.