President Obama’s State of the Planet Address

By | April 14, 2012

In honor of Earth Day scheduled for April 22, 2012, President Obama delivered a speech before the 12th meeting of the IPCC, entitled “The World Without a Tomorrow: Why We Need Global Governance Now More Than Ever Before Manmade Climate Change Destroys Us All.” The following is a transcript of the president’s remarks:

Distinguished members of the United Nations Intraglobal Panel on Climate Confidence, members of the Political Bureau of Environmental Affairs, herbivores, omnivores, honorable flora, fauna, microbial life forms, and residents of the United States

We stand here now, on the third anniversary of our sacred refounding, persons of diverse colors and genders – men, women, transsexuals, hermaphrodites all – united in one vision to bring forth from the bowels of history, one utopian dream, one audacious hope for all life on this planet, to usher in the progress of real change.

Together as one, looking forward to a brighter tomorrow, one of darkness, one of… collapsing industrial infrastructure, abandoned oil refineries, and out-of-business coal plants, until one day, one glorious day, America’s Atlantic seaboard will resemble a night satellite picture of the grand experiment once known as the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. May Supreme Leader Kim rest in peace.

There are some who will doubt us. Heck, some may even mock us a little. But it is the calling of each and every generation to get behind the people and to push forward repeatedly until they are excited enough to get beyond the quaint and antiquated ways of their ancestors, to dismiss the old pieces of paper that enslave us to the past, so that we may accomplish the historic task of fundamentally transforming this world the way that we, as one people, see fit.

To realize our grand vision of a post-industrial society demands the complete replacement of our economy of yesterday with a leaner, greener one. That is why I propose a bold new energy strategy for the United States, one that you think you might have heard before but is actually a little bit different this time – one incorporating windmills, waterwheels, and yes, even steam power. We must get beyond the old way of thinking that says nuclear energy is the way of the future. We must not fall prey to the temptation that argues that drilling offshore and on American soil are solutions to our ongoing addiction to foreign oil. We must forgo even the empty promise of natural gas, which, though our critics claim it is a “clean” source of energy, is yet just another form of the poisonous carbon gas we can ill afford to be monkeying around with.

If I might respond to those who say that they have freezed their keisters off since the onset of the so-called “Little Ice Age,” which I might point out is a direct consequence of the now over-fulfilled consensus of manmade global climate change, no one said it was going to be easy. But if we can get the markets, the banks, and the entrepreneurs to get out of the way, our government can accomplish anything we set your minds to.

Right now the government is dispensing billions and billions of dollars in grants to companies to develop energy technologies that might be called too “inefficient,” “expensive,” or “unreliable” to cut it in what is left of the marketplace. But I’m not going to accept that way of thinking. We might have had a little rocky period, a four year-long recession that is undoubtedly the fault of my predecessor, but the economy is well on the way to recovery. Now there have been some grumblings about a ‘jobless recovery,” which has led to unexpectedly high real unemployment of say, fifteen to (unintelligible) percent – but help is on the way.

Just this year, we hope to create or save tens of millions of jobs by hiring all the young, enthusiastic people of our nationwide mandatory GreenCorpse… ummm, I think there might be a typo there… to promote our green jobs programs, to pick up the litter that plagues our highways and national parks, and simply by not crushing what little industry remains left. Those companies who want to continue to do business are going to have to do it according to our terms, and hell, if they kick a little back to a Democrat in need, they may even be allowed to keep a greenback or two.

Now some have called this fascism. Let me be clear. A meek and conservative form of fascism was tried under FDR and it failed to reach the kind of results we are looking for. No, we are looking to create a new form of superfascism that not only incorporates all aspects of the national economy, but looks to fuse it all together under the umbrella of global governance, while meeting the challenges of addressing the spectre of climate change. Let me now speak to this crucial issue, which is of such vital importance to ourselves, our children, the planet, and of course, polar bears.

To those who think we can continue the status quo of climate change, let me just say that the time for delay is over. If we are going to overcome this perpetual crisis, we are going to have to think big. That is why why we must once again raise the global carbon tax, to regulate excess temperatures out of existence. We might even see a day when the world’s temperature is permanently set on a slightly warm but temperate 72 degrees. Of course, we can argue whether or not it should be 68 degrees. Democracy can be messy.

Our critics will say that we are dreaming impossibly big dreams. They may say they’re humongous or even ginormous. But let there be no doubt. The failure of their imaginations must not lead to the crisis of our consciences. We must move forward, with all the certainty of a moral crusade, to lead the world to complete climatelessness and environmental homeostasis by the end of this decade. The consequences are too grave to neglect. The death of the old order, and the rebirth of a new dawn, with or without man, requires courage and sacrifice. These are extraordinary times.

All species, since the beginning of time, have struggled with the ever-present threat of climate change. We human beings, along with the complete effort of all animals, from the three-toed sloth to the ring-tailed bandicoot, from the humpback whale to the duckbill platypus, must now work together to make worldwide climate equality a reality. And if that makes everything and everyone room temperature, then that is the bold mission that lays ahead. Are you in?

Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.

Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and OwntheNarrative, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.

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