Billionaire philanthropist Maurice Grubbins VI, sole proprietor of Radical Industries, writes a confidential memorandum to Mortimer Fairchild II, controlling shareholder of the First People’s Democratic Bank of America. Memorandum discovered per Freedom of Information Act request.
Dear Mortimer Fairchild:
I grow weary of the market system, Mortimer, to be quite honest with you. We have exceeded the bounds of wealth’s ability to bring happiness to these bitter old souls and have finally reached the point of diminishing returns. We have bribed politicians with embarrassing impunity, rained down millions of regulations upon our adversaries to keep them mired in minutiae, and have held down the lid on the bubbling cauldron of public opinion by summoning all our vast corporate media necromancy.
(The fact that corporations espouse a decidedly left-wing bent seems to have escaped our dear friends the leftists. If only the fogheaded flapperdoodles knew that they unwittingly abet our eventual domination! Be sure to never let that delicious plum escape you.)
But it is under the most perplexing of circumstances that I write to you. The other day I was hovering above my estate in my helichair, sipping a glass of Chateau d’if 1871, desperately trying to distract myself from the palsy that so wracks my legs, pondering the fate of the nation. Let there be no doubt the America we have both come to know and love is under attack by a rabble of so-called “patriots,” more aptly, terrorist extremists, who seek to overturn the comfortable arrangement that you and I, our fathers, their fathers, and their father’s fathers put into place to keep our position in society as lucrative and as secure from public and economic pressure as conceivably possible. Not since the Haymarket affair has our position in the economy been so precarious. But fortunately for us, Sherman was passed with flying colors not too long afterwards.
And no, I don’t mean that we are being threatened by the Occupy Movement, bless your withered soul. Our beloved head of the Federal Reserve and the corporate-backed president rightfully point out that these wild-eyed, yippy lapdogs for the establishment are but quite hilarious means to an end unbeknownst to them: dancing poodles dressed up as court jesters to regale our presumed adversaries as conditions dictate and just as quickly devoured when their activities become… unsavory.
Rather, I mean we are still under an invisible siege by the tea party, a sordid collection of rednecks, would-be individualists, and various undesirables who comprise a far-flung movement that once seemed to be dead, but is more accurately nowhere and everywhere at once. It is with a certain sense of dread that I am pressed to discuss this despicable threat to the status quo.
Whining imperiously about the “American Dream,” these radical ne’erdowells cry empty phrases about “liberty” and “free enterprise” without the slightest idea about the social responsibility that one has running a modern economy! Why, if we allow these upstart ragamuffins to get their way, the entire gamut of pecuniary privileges that pave the way for our nation’s enduring success could be overturned! Heaven forbid the Koch Brothers get their way, those black sheep of the billionaire family. We must disinvite them from Davos, remind Muffy next time you see her.
Meanwhile, the radical statists who merely cry out for more state handouts and goodies are oh-so-easily placated. The fools are easily bought with their own money, and just as easily disposed of should our statist utopia be realized. Spending long careers in academia and without families to care for, they are perfectly malicious and equally gullible. More ideally suited pawns in our long march through the institutions of the country could not be asked for. (One might be forgiven for indulging in a bit of braggadocio.)
The tea party rapscallions are a bit more clear-eyed and commonsensical in this regard: they see how diminishing private property rights hurts our opponents and not us. The Democrats may come after us for taxes, but these are a pittance after we have finished rigging the system and tallying up our particular exemptions. Why, I just proposed a “Grubbins Rule” on taxes that not even the millionaire president of the United States would qualify for! Notwithstanding the paltry sum of money that a million dollars is nowadays, what with our Zimbabwe-inspired monetary policy.
Regardless, my dear Mortimer, the tax code is a billionaire’s paradise; there is no shortage of lawyers who can hide our money in trusts and “non-profits,” and those which pursue our “radical” agenda, no less, to add to the comical charge that we are averse to the leftist program. Just the other day I cut sizable checks to Media Matters for America and Organizing for America, the dunces that run those establishments included. If the pseudo-intellectuals on the left only knew that their supposed radicalism meant a sure return to state-managed serfdom! Thank the heavens history is not their strong suit.
There is a long-standing gag that there is no limit to what we may demand of anyone under the guise of the “public good.” Why, we could claim that the entire nation should become slaves to the state for the public good! Why, who is the individual to object? I laugh every time I hear a fresh young lily right out of law school or a supposedly liberal pundit make the claim that something or another must be done to serve the “public interest.” I literally wet myself on one such occasion and my nurse Lu Ann needed to change my Depends! (I believe it was my favorite channel MSNBC and that stone fox Andrea Mitchell was reporting, if memory serves.)
The point of communicating these rudimentary observations is that this Internet thing has caught on quite beyond our wildest dreams and is displaying an embarrassing model of alternative expression and economic enterprise — both of which cut a little too close to the bone for my liking. What if people began to realize that intelligent people police themselves, and that responsibility engenders intelligence? What if they began to realize, dear Mortimer, that they do not need us, after all? Why, it harrows my heart to contemplate it.
The time is coming to cash in our chips and go for broke. Free expression is becoming a bane upon our progressive program, which is now over a century in painstaking development. Trading cash for control is certainly a desirable maneuver when our scheme is becoming exposed in all its wonderful grotesquery. An alliance with the radicals is definitely to be sought.
And while some may argue that we would be buying the rope with which we are to be hung, these simpletons do not realize that we already bought off the executioner. That is why in practice there is no such thing as socialism, only fascism. A government must necessarily be comprised of human beings, after all, with all their glorious vulnerabilities. We are three steps ahead of the left, as usual; but these tea party troublemakers see most clearly the perversity of the statist enterprise, which is the well-spring of our power. This bullheaded vanguard of liberty is the greatest threat.
Rest assured we shall have our oligarchy, by hook or by crook.
Sincerely, Maurice Grubbins VI[Listen to the author read and comment on this piece.]
Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.
Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and OwntheNarrative, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.