In a stunning reversal, the Democrat Party has dramatically updated its party platform heading into the 2012 elections. The announcement was made in an email blast under the header “About that messy democracy thing.”
Surprisingly, the email stirred little controversy in left-leaning circles. It was apparently sent out several weeks back, but wasn’t even commented upon until a moderate was accidentally forwarded it on a college listserv.
This is what registered Democrats received in their inbox:
Dear Amazingly Steadfast Party Supporter,
Democracy has served our country well. It gave our constituents goodies by the sweat of other people’s brows, cushioned our air-conditioned staff lounges, and ensured even petty social activists could reach the soaring heights of elected office. We don’t have to tell you how much we appreciate merely having to take a token oath to retire with full pay and the bennies. That’s not the point.
We’ve reached a stage in our country now when we’re having a different crisis every day – a terrible situation to be in – and we’ve arrived at the hard conclusion that it’s time to take all the decision-making out of your hands. Don’t worry, now – that’s our job.
Let’s face it, we’re smarter than you people. We have our ivy league degrees, and the time we spent at that one conference in Cancun last year, what was it – Public Policy: Who Needs It? – and we feel it would be inappropriate for you to tell us how to do our jobs. We’re so much more advanced than you and we wouldn’t want you to blow a neuron trying to keep up with us. Pardon us for being honest for a change.
Although we’re going to keep the name “Democrat Party,” trademarks and copyrights, you see, we’re going to have to start doing away with this messy democracy thing. Ironically enough, it’s bad for business. And if we may speak plainly, yall are just interfering.
Now, we’re going to take good care of you, don’t fret. We’re going to give you universal healthcare of the highest quality, retirement pensions starting at age 40 (with good behavior), free education, free college, and no more of that nasty military business. We’ll also give you free food, free shelter, free clothing, free wi-fi, free computers, free cable television…these are all human rights now, and no one can ever take them away from you. This is all predicated on your perfect amenability to these arrangements, I’m sure you understand.
Anyways, it’s been fun America. We enjoyed these little election exercises. It gave everyone a chance to get out for a while, get some fresh air, finally meet the neighbors. But you see, it’s such a waste of time and energy. Things would be so much more efficient and just plain better if we could attend to the duties of ruling you for your own good without your interference. We don’t mean to meddle. It’s all a part of making the world a better place, and we want you to comply.
Take care, America. We hope you like your new masters. If not, you can always call 1-800-4YR-GOOD and an SSR (Subject Service Representative) will try to contact you within the next 24 hours (*due to high volume, we cannot always ensure prompt response).
We gave it a good go, America. But now it’s time to submit.
Sincerely, The Democrat Party
Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.
Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.