President Obama unveiled his bold new energy strategy today before christening a Fulton steam barge in Flatbrush, Missouri upon the Mississippi River. The president stood atop a soap box and delivered an address while reading from a hand-cranked teleprompter especially designed to save energy.
Thousands of locals gathered to celebrate the carnival-like atmosphere, complete with waterwheel-driven Ferris wheels, windmill-powered carousels, and one-way roller coasters. The futuristic setting looked like a scene from the 1814 World’s Fair, if one had taken place.
Underneath a giant banner reading “Welcome to America’s Future!” throngs of men, women, and children noshed on funnel cakes and old-fashioned hot dogs.
“Today we usher in a bright new era,” the president began with an echo that trembled the mighty waters of the Mississippi, “one where Americans will no longer be beholden to big oil, scary nuclear, and king coal. We look forward with clear vision to a future where America is powered by steam, water and wind power.”
“Hoorah!” yelled the American people, who were warming towards the proposal.
“The heart of my Progressive Energy Plan is the switchover of our gasoline engines, coal-fired plants, and nuclear power facilities to steam engines, windmills, and waterwheels by 2046. Such a strategy will place America clearly at the forefront of technological change in the green energy field, far ahead of the gas-rich Russians and oil-heavy Saudis,” said President Obama.
The crowd burst into uncontrollable applause before the president was able to calm the people down through a casual flap of the arms.
“Now, some have called this plan foolish. They call steam power an impossibility, hydropower a fanciful dream, and wind power plain quixotic. They point to the failures of Europe and argue that green energy doesn’t work, won’t work, can’t work. But what is leadership but the ability to take the failures of others and turn them into dizzying success stories?”
People roared in agreement as they chewed on salted pretzels and stared spellbound at the dim multicolored lights, which seemed to cast a faint vermillion glow on the president’s face.
“Thank you, thank you,” Mr. Obama said, “But you haven’t heard the best part yet. Under my plan, families of four making under $25,372 a year will be eligible for the Light a Candle for Change tax subsidy. So if you buy candles, file those receipts with the Internal Revenue Service for a credit towards your tax liability.”
The crowd once again cheered in assent.
“And the grandest innovation of all…” Mr. Obama spoke and lingered for a moment to relish the tension. “Algae. We will replace our dependence on fossil fuels with clean, green renewable slime.”
Jaws dropped. Eyes widened. Ice cream cones fell to the ground.
“I know, I know,” the president said with a laugh. “I was astounded too when I found out about it last week.”
A hush fell over the audience. As the winds stirred briskly through that Missouri town, and plastic hot dog wrappers were blowing through the dusty streets, it appeared indeed that the gods of fortune had once again smiled upon America, that they should be blessed with such an ingenious president.
The president waved his arm in triumph, signaling the end of his address and the ceremonial christening of the U.S.S. Foolproof. With a dash of his supple wrist, the president slammed the bottle of Dom Perignon against the stolid steamship, but to no avail. Repeatedly, the president dinged the champagne bottle against the stubborn hull. Mercifully, Michelle Obama snatched the bottle from the president’s hand and shattered it against the bough.
“Heh, heh,” the president laughed, “Just a few technical difficulties. Nothing to worry about. Now, everybody go on board and do some riverboat gambling. It’s on me.”
Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.
Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.