I know more students that watch collegiate sports than actually play or played collegiate sports. They have been treated far more fairly than some of the athletes themselves. Therefore I propose we appeal to Jonathan Swift for a modest proposal…
I have taken mild liberty to adjust Mr. Swift’s proposal to accommodate our present day circumstances. Correspondingly, lacking Swift’s flair to the rhetorical I offer this synopsis with greater brevity.
A Modern Modest Proposal
This is a Modern Modest Proposal for preventing the students in America from being a burden on themselves, their families, and for making them beneficial to the public.
It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through our great universities. These gifted student, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, and apply themselves to their studies, are forced to employ all their time in the risks of of unprotected gaming, some to the extent of sell themselves to drunkards and reprobates.
Thus, it is only reasonable that a solicitous proposal, submitted by fluke, should be more seriously evaluated and applied universally throughout our universities.
Specifically, I draw my attention to the desperate circumstances of collegiate athletes. I momentarily attend to the specific sport of “football”. Upon gaining entrance to a prestigious university these active sportsmen are outfitted with rigorous protective gear equal to the cost of satisfactory annual contraceptive. I.e. football protection for one year is nearly equivalent in cost to a full year of “protection” for a highly active sexual athlete at the same university.
It is true that the university pays for the extent of protective gear issued to its footballers. In the most recent decade many universities have bent to offer heterosexual sporting in some prominent sports programs. The boys on grid iron appear to be advantaged over the less funded sport of “Extreme Sexuality”. The question naturally is raised as to whether or not such disparity in funding common sports programs is truly equitable. Given that Extreme Sexuality is a far more popular sport among collegiate student (and perhaps the professorships as well) the only reasonable initial response would be that inequity surely does exist.
Serious consequences, in most cases, on the football field are protected against. Injuries and “sidelining” of players is far less frequent than would be expected with such aggressive encounters. The main reason being that protective gear is provided to athletes. The same cannot be said for the more popular sport of Extreme Sexuality, which incidentally the university offers no protective measures. This again, for emphasis, appears categorically unjust. Given the choice of participating in either football, a sport of repetitively attempting to push a ball forward, or Extremely Sexuality I will leave to the reader’s imagination as to which a preponderance of students and faculty would choose.
Why then is such a sport, and the protection of the participants therein, thrown recklessly aside while football is funded so heavily. This is Another seeming dilemma of inequity. Something ought to be done. Just by fluke, an informed student of Georgetown testified before the prestigious although highly political House Democratic Steering and Policy Committee. The essence of her testimony was rather simple, and appeared to answer the terrible inequity of protection provided in university sports programs. Her answer was void of malice and subject to rational discourse, rather than the tawdry commentary of liberal talk shows. She concluded that the government should fund Extreme Sexuality sporting events by providing subsidized protection.
My initial reaction was to wonder “why”, but upon closer examination I discovered the disparities which exist (as noted above). Ultimately I came to this alternate Modern Modest Proposal.
Athletes in collegiate sports programs, like football, reach that level of capability through years of training and practice. They hone both their bodies and mental stamina to prepare themselves for the extreme challenges of repeatedly being nailed flat on their backs usually on the semi-hard surface of the cold ground. Secondly, when functioning as a well oiled machine these sportsmen draw vast numbers of spectators. The Spectators pay good money to watch these sporting events. They cheer wildly when someone scores. Other sports where athletes are nailed by a well oiled machine could be treated equitably. You can see where my Modern Modest Proposal is headed I presume.
Perhaps universities would or should entertain (pun intended) the idea of publicizing Extreme Sexuality programs as an offset cost for these programs. This would allow for proper protection for the athletes involved in the sports. By publicizing and establishing quality observation arenas universities could charge high prices for a ready and willing supply of spectators. Seats directly at ringside could draw in excess of $250 per event. With the less exhausting effort (even appealing aspect) involved in the actual Extreme Sexuality competition a player could reasonably participate in three spectator events weekly without seriously effecting their ability to apply good study habits. Iron man events would require a higher level and frequency of commitment, but risk of injury would be offset by the protective gear provided by the University. National championships in Extreme Sexuality competitions would draw millions of dollars annually to participating universities.
The challenge for universities would not be achieving that funding requisite for the protective gear but finding the best competitors from the high school ranks. This would require years of training. Parents would presumably prepare their promising offspring beginning as early as age nine. Further, the investment by parents of promising young folks would also be minimal. In fact, in some communities, there would be a ready supply of adults willing to be perverted away from their business activities to “pay to play” in the raising-up of such future athletes.
For less wealthy families, with skilled children trained at their father’s tender hands, the income from Casual Sexuality through the advanced techniques of Extreme Sexuality could easily augment family revenue in excess of five digit figures annually.
The social value of such a Modern Modest Proposal cannot be measured. The House Democratic Steering and Policy Committee would no longer need to address this serious flaw in our culture. Why? Because there would no longer be a need, even among the poorest of students, for federal assistance with sexual activities. Unfortunately, former House member Anthony Wiener is no longer in office to model and champion such a progressive policy.
This proposal obviously will meet with the usual opposition from those forces asserting moral values for society. I suspect that their first argument will be that The Modern Modest Proposal, may possibly not be so modest afterall.