In a flailing economy with soaring gas prices, many Americans are feeling the pinch at the gas pump. But help is on the way. A new GAO report concludes that the U.S. economy will be powered by Obama’s love by 2020.
Scathing criticisms of past Obama administration reports on energy policy were mainly comprised of right-wingers charging that the president was only vaguely alluding to “alternative energy,” without pointing to specifics in terms of means, efficiency, or cost.
Those partisan claims have been silenced for now. A triumphant Obama strode to the stage of a major press conference, brandishing a copy of the new report.
“This goes to show, once again,” the president said with magnificent echo, “That my opponents simply don’t know what they’re talking about. The report I hold in my hand puts to rest any doubts about the future of American energy.”
When asked about the specifics of the new policy, the president was quick to reply.
“There I was, lying on the beach in Hawaii with Michelle, and all of a sudden this Huey Lewis song comes on. A light-bulb goes off in my head. Now there’s an idea to get America moving again!”
Other reporters were more pointed with their questioning.
Jake Taper of ABC News asked, “What specific changes to our energy policy does this entail? We’ve already heard about your plans to put windmills on every hill in the country and to line America’s houses with solar panels. There were even talks of bringing back the steam engine. How is this any different?”
“Well, Jack,” the president replied. “I am the president. And I have more than enough power in this mellifluous but rapidly aging voice of mine, not to mention the clarity of my vision, to get this country where it needs to go. Anyone else?”
“This is Deborah Kasey of Fox. Recent administration efforts to support electric cars have been disastrous, since no one wants to buy them and they cause unseen pollution due to being powered by coal-fired plants. What is different about this plan?”
“Excuse me, what was that about that coal-fired plant thing?” the president asked for clarification.
“Coal-fired plants,” Ms. Kasey repeated. “They ultimately power electricity, and thus electric cars like the Volt.”
“Let me get this straight,” the president spoke up. “I’m supposed to believe that when I plug my electric razor into the wall-socket in the morning, the electricity probably comes from a coal plant? We’ll get someone on that problem right away… next?”
“Mike O’Donnell, MSNBC. The Republicans keep howling about ‘drill, baby, drill’ and they support the building of the Keystone pipeline. What can we do as good stewards of the earth to make sure none of that ever takes place?”
“I’m glad you asked that Mike,” the president said. “What you can do is stop driving your car. Don’t worry about being unemployed, we’ll cut you a check. Switch off your air conditioner. Heat your food with a convection oven. Only leave the television on, so you can see my speeches and press conferences.”
The press corps laughed. The president paused for a moment, seemingly staring off into the vast, dazzling horizon.
“Oh,” the president finally said after a protracted moment. “What will solve the problem of American energy in the long-run is not to have energy at all. That is where my ‘power of love’ plan comes in. If you all keep in mind that I love you, and you can feel my love radiating out from Washington, that will warm your hearts in the coldest of winter, cause you all to forget about the shallow need to turn a buck, and no longer make you want to run your air conditioners at 64 degrees in the summer time.”
The president stopped again for effect, and gave what looked like the crazy signal to someone.
“…Cause all of that is grossly unfair to people around the world who can’t do those things. Contrary to the claims of my critics, the solution isn’t to allow people around the world the freedom to develop their own energy supplies, or for us to pay for their overabundant energy reserves, it is to simply stop having energy altogether. Replace it with love. All you need is love, as the Beatles said.”
The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.
Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and BeatObamaPac, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.