The scientific community is buzzing with a question ripe with tremendous implications: Can climate change be ended? President Obama’s crack experts at the Environmental Protection Agency believe it already has been. Momentarily.
The president was on the campaign trail when he announced the exciting news that climate may no longer change in the foreseeable future. A transcript from the press conference follows below:
For decades, mankind has witnessed all manner of unprecedented weather phenomena never before seen in history. Bizarre, twisting powerful gusts of air called ‘tornadoes’ wreaked havoc throughout America’s heartland. Huge, whirling tropical storms referred to in the scientific community as ‘hurricanes’ unleashed their fury on the country’s coastline. Torrential rain leading to the accumulation of massive pools of water known as ‘floods’ submerged immense swathes of the nation. Never before has weather seemed so capricious, or so changeable.
That is why the Environmental Protection Agency formed the top secret task force TBECCAWKNI (The Battle to End Climate Change as We Know It). Formed from the elite ranks of the world’s top climatologists and highly esteemed bureaucrats, the team was responsible for devising a strategy to end climate change as we know it. And it looks like they came up with a solution. But it’s going to cost you.
Several months ago, people may have noticed that at exactly 2:42:31:06 a.m. on October 21st there was a split second when there was no climate. By using ‘lasers,’ scientists ionized the molecular magnetic field of a plasma stratum in the lower troposphere, thereby blocking the greenhouse effects of carbon dioxide, which every scientist knows controls all aspects of our climate. Yes, that’s right ladies and gentlemen. They ended climate change.
These special ‘lasers’ are not cheap. They run on a secret fuel that is made in a laboratory and is worth more than its weight in gold or platinum.
Defeating climate change, therefore, won’t be easy. It will take a lot of money and a lot of research. And did I mention it will take money? Our first and most important task is to convince the global community that climate change is a problem and that we can win the fight.
But before we get too excited about investing our hard-earned money in this groundbreaking development, there is something that should be known. Natural disasters still plague the land and will continue to do so until we can perfect this new technology. That is why we have come up with a plan for National Natural Disaster Insurance. No longer will Americans wonder while they are wandering outside, ‘Will I be hit by a hurricane today?’ Or, ‘is that tornado over there going to impale a board in my forehead?’ With National Natural Disaster Insurance, Obama and the Democrats have got you covered. You can show your gratitude by re-electing me.
Now where was I? Telemprompter please. Okay.
When I was running for president, I made a solemn pledge that if I became your beloved leader the oceans would begin to recede, and the climate would cease to change. And we are now on the verge of that magnificent day. So if you make your ‘thank you’ check out to Obama for President 2012, I’d be much obliged.
Don’t make me remind you that there were many haters. There were many doubters. And there were many racists. And there were many hateful racists who doubted me. They said I could not live up to my pledge made during the campaign. Let us set the record straight now: Promised delivered.
Of course, we could have went the messier route of ending climate change by simply ending mankind. But being as beneficent as we are wise, we spared you. Actually, we considered turning the lasers on you all, but Dr. Tomaknussen, clutz that he is, slipped and knocked one of the beams awry. Improbably, it hit the lower troposphere and ionized the carbon dioxide molecules, somehow deactivating them. Sometimes bureaucratic ineptitude works in our favor. (Laughter.)
By joining together, we can all do our part to fight climate change. It will take shared sacrifice. Forbidding oil drilling is but one small way to do that, but there are other ways, such as only using those curly q lightbulbs, and riding kick scooters to work instead of driving cars. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to fly to Arizona for a round of golf. Thank you.
Although it’s a shame that we have to actually say it – this is satire. These events have not occurred although plausible.