The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) and Michelle Obama have joined forced to promote an aggressive new school nutrition campaign touted as a cross between “If You See Something, Say Something” and “Let’s Move!” Dubbed “Snack Watch” by the administration, the program is intended to eliminate school-age obesity by rewarding children who snitch on their junk food-scarfing classmates.
The $432 billion program was unveiled at a joint press conference held by Michelle Obama and Janet Napolitano before a horde of thrilled young people, as well as loyal teacher and food service union workers.
Dazzling in a yellow sundress with green polkadots, Michelle Obama arrived at Woodrow Wilson Elementary School in Greenwich, Connecticut looking like a rock star. Shortly behind her, wearing a purple pantsuit with broad lapels, strode Janet Napolitano, who had arrived in a black BMW encircled by a half-dozen Secret Service agents clad in dark sunglasses.
While the First Lady was all smiles as throngs of cheery fourth graders delightedly squealed and greeted her warmly, the Department of Homeland Security chief was all business. On her way up the central walkway, flanked on each side by small children, Ms. Napolitano stopped dead in her tracks. Slowly pulling off her sunglasses, she turned slightly to her right. Then, with the velocity of a cobra, she ripped a chocolate Quik box from the clutches of a stunned child. She dropped the flavored beverage in front of her and smashed it with her low-heeled boot. Ms. Napolitano and the Secret Service detail continued walking into the school.
Once inside the elementary school, the two ambassadors for the Snack Watch program took to a blue raised stage in a school gymnasium. The towering, chiseled Ms. Obama and the stocky Ms. Napolitano cut a striking pair to deliver a message on nutrition and physical fitness. The makeshift auditorium rocked with applause as the school principal Ms. Crabtree announced the two famous visitors.
“How is everybody feeling today?” Ms. Obama shouted, grasping the microphone. The children screamed an enthusiastic response.
“We’re here to talk to you about a very vital issue, one very important to the future of the country,” Ms. Napolitano said as the children took their seats. The gymnasium became quiet.
“That’s right!” Ms. Obama echoed cheerfully.
“Everyone here agrees it is good to be healthy, right?” Ms. Napolitano addressed the crowd. Scattered applause provided her with the correct answer.
“Then what we want for you children to do is keep an eye out for your buddies to see if they’re eating unhealthy snacks,” Ms. Obama said sweetly. “If someone is eating a cookie, a brownie, or is drinking soda, I want you to tell an authority figure — a teacher or the principal — before that child hurts herself or others.”
“If you see something, say something,” Napolitano chimed in. “And if you are afraid to go to your teachers, you can always log into the Snack Watch website and rat — I mean, inform us of them there. Just tell us the child’s name, school, and the name of the naughty snack, and we will do our best to track him down and educate him.”
A hush fell over the crowd.
“And it wouldn’t hurt to start getting into the habit of keeping a log on what your parents eat,” continued Napolitano. “Because of Obamacare, no longer is your body and your health only your business, it’s everybody’s business.”
“Hoorah!” Ms. Obama cheered with a beaming smile.
The audience remained quiet, still digesting what was being said to them.
“Also, and this should make the food service workers happy, we are banning sack lunches,” said Ms. Obama.
“There is no way to tell if the nutritional standards of children will be met consistently unless we take control,” Ms. Napolitano expanded. “So in the name of equality, the U.S. government will be assuming responsibility for providing uniform school lunches across the country. You’re welcome. No longer will there be a disparity between schools – some schoolchildren getting pizza four times a month and others forced to eat sloppy joe’s. Now, there will equally healthy food for all.”
“I believe you will love Tofu Tuesdays!” Ms. Obama added.
“What I want all of you to do now is assemble on the soccer field for group exercises,” Ms. Napolitano said authoritatively. “If we are to be good little troopers, we have to be in outstanding shape. Someday soon, we will have enough strong, happy children to make a virtual army for the cause of healthy food.”
“That’s right,” said the First Lady. “I’ve even talked to real U.S. soldiers about eating their broccoli. I think I can get you all to do it. Now let’s move!”
The gymnasium was dismissed and the children scrambled to assemble on the field behind the school for physical training exercises. About halfway through doing a set of fifty jumping jacks, Michelle Obama and DHS secretary Napolitano, winded and quite satisfied, left the completion of the exercises to the gym coaches.
Reportedly, their convoy was spotted turning into a drivethrough at McDonald’s, but that is presumably because the First Lady wanted to check up on the fast food chain’s new Happy Meal standards.
Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.
Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and BeatObamaPac, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.