Scott Pakin’s Complaint letter generator doesn’t just express itself about people; it takes on organizations as well. So just as an entertaining experiment I asked the software application to go postal on the Democratic Party. Here is the result in all of its digital glory. Not bad for bits and bytes!
This letter is going to be a book of revelations to many readers. In particular, many will be surprised to learn that I don’t care to share the same planet as the Democratic Party. So let’s begin, quite properly, with a brief look at the historical development of the problem, of its attempted solutions, and of the eternal argument about it. The Democratic Party has never disproved anything I’ve ever written. It does, however, often try to discredit me by means of flagrant misquotations, by attributing to me views that I’ve never expressed. In the end, I suspect that there are in fact many people who possess the intelligence, wisdom, talent, and ability to challenge the Democratic Party’s claims of exceptionalism. My goal is to locate those people and encourage them to help me make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change.
I just want to say that the Democratic Party wants you to believe that profits come before people. You should be wary of such claims. Be aware! Be skeptical! Think! Do not be diverted, deceived, or mesmerized by the Democratic Party’s incompetent, egocentric insinuations.
I am more than merely surprised by the Democratic Party’s willingness to dismantle the guard rails that protect society from the superstitious elements in its midst. I’m shocked, shocked. And, as if that weren’t enough, if anything will free us from the shackles of the Democratic Party’s unsavory barbs, it’s knowledge of the world as it really is. It’s knowledge that it seems that no one else is telling you that in legal terminology, it is guilty of suppressio veri or “concealment of truth”. So, since the burden lies with me to tell you that, I suppose I should say a few words on the subject. To begin with, the whole of the Democratic Party’s villainous worldview may perhaps be expressed in one simple word. That word is “tribalism”. Let me explain: One of the Democratic Party’s most loyal adherents is known to have remarked, “Without the Democratic Party’s superior guidance, we will go nowhere.” And there you have it: a direct quote from a primary source. The significance of that quote is that I can say one thing about the Democratic Party. It understands better than any of us that psychological impact is paramount—not facts, not anybody’s principles, not right and wrong. I’m not suggesting that we behave likewise. I’m suggesting only that if the Democratic Party opened its eyes, it’d realize that its latest newsgroup postings are particularly unmannerly, even by the Democratic Party’s unmannerly standards.
When I first became aware of the Democratic Party’s covert invasion into our thought processes, all I could think was how the Democratic Party’s publications are contrary to international human rights and humanitarian standards. That should serve as the final, ultimate, irrefutable proof that for those of us who make our living trying to carve solutions that are neither devious nor intransigent, it is important to consider that I wish that one of the innumerable busybodies who are forever making “statistical studies” about nonsense would instead make a statistical study that means something. For example, I’d like to see a statistical study of the Democratic Party’s capacity to learn the obvious. Also worthwhile would be a statistical study of how many feckless couch potatoes realize that if the Democratic Party is going to make an emotional appeal then it should also include a rational argument. Now that I think about it, the Democratic Party once tried convincing me that I’m too crotchety to reach the broadest possible audience with the message that its polity controls illegal drugs and prostitution as well as banking, oil, defense, and the media. Does it think I was born yesterday? I mean, it seems pretty obvious that I overheard one of the Democratic Party’s foot soldiers say, “Anyone who disagrees with the Democratic Party is ultimately money-grubbing.” This quotation demonstrates the power of language as it epitomizes the “us/them” dichotomy within hegemonic discourse. As for me, I prefer to use language to solve our problems over a negotiating table instead of resorting to the battlefield.
The purpose of this letter is far greater than to prove to you how crabby and slovenly the Democratic Party has become. The purpose of this letter is to get you to start thinking for yourself, to start thinking about how it would be charitable of me not to mention that it should take all the bull-pucky it’s been throwing at us and fertilize its garden with it. Fortunately, I am not beset by a spirit of false charity so I will instead maintain that throughout history, there has been a clash between those who wish to create greater public understanding of the damage caused by its asseverations and those who wish to reward those who knowingly or unknowingly play along with the Democratic Party’s pronouncements while punishing those who oppose them. Naturally, the Democratic Party belongs to the latter category. Once we have absorbed and understood the Democratic Party’s dour hatchet jobs, it is our inescapable responsibility to do whatever is necessary to straighten out our thinking and change the path we’re on.
The picture I am presenting need not be confined to the Democratic Party’s double standards. It applies to everything it says and does. There’s a callow, fatuous carouser born every minute. More than that, I recently checked out one of the Democratic Party’s recent tracts. Oh, look; it’s again saying that we should abandon the institutionalized and revered concept of democracy. Raise your hand if you’re surprised. Seriously, though, we must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We must overcome the fear that the Democratic Party will get people to vote against their own self-interests. And to overcome these fears, we must catalogue the Democratic Party’s swindles and perversions.
Even so, if everyone does his own, small part, together we can reinforce the contentions of all reasonable people and confute those of mendacious loudmouths. Why is the Democratic Party subordinating all spheres of society to an ideological vision of organic community? It says it’s doing it for some worthy cause. In reality, the Democratic Party is doing it because the tone of its editorials is eerily reminiscent of that of spineless, neurotic carousers of the late 1940s in the sense that it has long been locking people who need our help into a vicious cycle of indigence and ignorance. What worries me more than that, however, is that if the Democratic Party ever manages to sanctify its depravity, that’s when the defecation will really hit the air conditioning.
As I gaze into my crystal ball, I see that the Democratic Party’s hangers-on will foster and intensify the Democratic Party’s drug-drenched drama of immorality before you know it. Well, let’s get our facts straight. If the Democratic Party wanted to, it could create an unwelcome climate for those of us who are striving to enhance people’s curiosity, critical acumen, and aesthetic sensitivity. It could relabel millions of people as “rotten”. And it could “solve” all our problems by talking them to death. We must not allow the Democratic Party to do any of these.
Call me mutinous if you’d like; I will still do everything in my power to look at our situation realistically and from a viewpoint that takes in the whole picture. Then, I will announce to the world that the Democratic Party thinks I’m trying to say that it can override nature. Wait! I just heard something. Oh, never mind; it’s just the sound of the point zooming way over the Democratic Party’s head.
That last statement is almost a tautology. Sadly, lack of space prevents me from elaborating further. I might be able to forgive the Democratic Party, but only if it promises never again to shower sanctimonious, gormless wankers with undeserved encomia. I, speaking as someone who is not a savage malefactor, thought it couldn’t be done, but, once again, the Democratic Party’s biases have sunk to a new low. There are few certainties in life. I have counted only three: death, taxes, and the Democratic Party announcing some condescending thing every few weeks.
The facts as I see them simply do not support the false but widely accepted notion that the Democratic Party’s positions provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything. So that there may be no misunderstanding, let me make it clear that the Democratic Party says that it is the one who will lead us to our great shining future. Hey, the Democratic Party, how about telling us the truth for once? The Democratic Party promises that if we give it and its buddies additional powers, it’ll guard us from hostile kooks. My question, however is, Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?—Who will guard the guards? The falsehood of the tongue leads to that of the heart. But the problems with the Democratic Party’s obiter dicta don’t end there. As a final reminder, please don’t let the Democratic Party’s prevarications dissuade you from keeping its cringers at bay. Let this letter serve as your compass while you journey through its wilderness of lies.