If We Can't Have Chris Christie, Let's Try Frankenstein

Let’s be honest, most people who plan to vote Republican in 2012  are not satisfied with the current field.  Two of the most recent examples are the rise and plummet of Rick Perry and the near comical begging of Chris Christie to get into the race.  Although… he did seem to take a curious tack for a man who wasn’t running…  But I digress.

Republicans are looking for a hero.  Heck, they might even be looking for a sandwich.  A lot of polls make it seem like President Obama would lose if he went up against a ham sandwich, but when you put him up against any one of these contenders who are actually running, he usually comes out ahead.

So what are conservatives to do?  Since it looks like Rick Perry’s plan to make offspring from Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain has little chance of happening, maybe they’ll have to see if they can clone some sort of monster together from various parts of the current contenders (and possibly some people who aren’t running too).

Let’s see what we can come up with….

1.  Chris Christie’s ability to control the media.  Remember when it looked like Sarah Palin couldn’t adequately tell Katie Couric what kind of magazines she read?  Yeah… Chris Christie won’t have that problem.

2.  Herman Cain’s relatability.  Whether he’s cracking jokes in a debate or telling you about his battle with cancer, Herman Cain is a man that many Americans can relate with.  (minus the incredibly non-PC stuff… and then again, there are people who relate to that too)

3.  Steve Jobs’ “Reality Distortion Field”.  Steve Jobs has a reputation for being able to distort reality to such an extent, he can tell you that your laptop doesn’t need a DVD drive, and you’ll believe him.  In a way, our current president has this ability too.  Remember when Barack Obama said you can keep your doctor if you want to?  Or how about “unemployment won’t go over 8%”.  When you’re a politician, few things are more valuable than being able to make things up and get away with it.

4.  Sarah Palin’s seemingly airtight background.  A guy moved into the house next door to Sarah Palin, and the best he could come up with is that she might have slept with Glen Rice in college.  He’s not the first “journalist” that’s wasted their money on a goose hunt to make Palin look bad.  Remember the emails?  Media outlets killed about 20 trees printing those emails up, and it looks like they found nothing.  I wonder what Obama’s emails look like?  Think Solyndra.  But, again, I digress…

5.  John Huntsman’s resilience.  He has all but had his podium toilet papered by audience members at debates, and he keeps showing up.  No matter how many times he’s been defiled on Twitter (does that word fit in this context, because it seems like it could) or how much Fox News tries to neglect him, John Huntsman walks around with all of the swagger of a top tier candidate.  (something Rick Santorum could learn from)

6.  John Stewart’s ability to get more credit than he deserves.  Again, this is something that Barack Obama already exhibits, but you cannot deny how invaluable it is to receive awards and accolades that you may or may not deserve.  (think emmys, nobel prizes)  And having the entire weight of American media telling everybody that you’re great doesn’t hurt either.

7.  Bill Clinton’s teflon coating.  If all else fails, and a candidate is really backed into a corner, it helps to be able to get off the hook by debating what the definition of “is” is.  Also go back to number two; the electorate will often overlook your flaws, if they think you can “feel their pain”.

8.  Dwight Eisenhower’s vision.  One of my favorite stories of all time is how we ended up with the great system of highways we have in this country today.  Eisenhower often spoke of his admiration for Germany’s system of roads compared to ours. (he even gave credit to them for making it easier to take Germany in WWII)  Once he became president, he made sure that the United States got their own system of roads that made it easier to travel throughout the country.  An interesting side note is that mass transportation hippies were against him, but Ike prevailed, and for that I thank him.

9.  Elton John’s mojo.  Elton John is like the honey badger of pop culture; he just doesn’t give a… well, he just doesn’t care what others think.  He knows how to party, he can laugh at himself, and somehow, he can be “proper” enough to do everything from singing at Princess Di’s funeral to singing at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding.  Add that to the fact that he’s been relevant for nearly 40 years, and you’ll be hard pressed to find a man who has more mojo.  Also… he sang the hit song from The Lion King.  The man has range.

10. Ronald Reagan’s worldview.  There is audio as far back as the 1940′s demonstrating that Ronald Reagan saw the world for what it is.  He was often able to identify what the problems of the day really were (versus what spin doctors said they were), and he was keenly aware of how to solve them too.  If we had leadership like that today, we could see “morning in America” once again.

If we can’t get Newt and Cain to make babies and we’re open minded to the idea of cloning, this list just might be all the ingredients necessary for a perfect candidate.  What do you think the Republicans need to win?  Who should (or should not) have been on this list?  Let us know on Facebook, Twitter, or in the comments below.  We’d love to hear from you.