Stimulus 2011: Highway to Hell
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and the Obama administration is announcing that, in an effort to stimulate the economy, they will be upgrading that oft-used road into a super-highway.
A White House spokesman said, “Considering our failures in Libya, Egypt, Obamacare, Afghanistan, food stamps, stimulus and other stuff, we’re going to focus on America and infrastructure in a very real way.”
The recent stimulus bill was an abysmal failure. Many liberal analysts say that the first effort was both too small and too scattered to be effective.
In a White House press briefing, a spokesman explained how the new initiative addresses those concerns:
The president feels that we should do one massive project. This will be the most-important government infrastructure undertaking since the bridge to nowhere – which was a complete success.
We have decided to spend the sum total of the federal transportation fund on a long-neglected roadway – The road to Hell.
Considering that the last stimulus was not large enough, and our incredibly bad numbers in the polls, we felt it to be the right time to focus on infrastructure that America needs. America is on this particular road and the President feels that it should be able to go faster.
We have spent the first 3 years of this term in office driving America down the road to hell and we are pleased to announce that it will soon be a superhighway.
In a change of policy, the administration is also planning to pay for the project using the questionable approach of a public-private partnership. Beelzebub, inc will be financing roughly 51% of the project in exchange for 330 million souls. The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) says that it is impossible to estimate the cost to taxpayers as they “have only put a value on an actual human life. The government does not currently believe that there is any value in the human soul.”
The agreement is being crafted in Congress as the Hades-America Free Trade Agreement (HAFTA). Joe Biden joked that they are “doing this big f*%$ing deal because we HAFTA.. get it? [snort]”.
In response to claims that the administration is selling Americans down the river, a White House official responded, “no, we’re not building a river.”
This post is satire, pure fiction, and an absolute figment of the author’s imagination.